The Checkout Puns

“Cardamom”

Because people got confused when they ask you to swipe your cardigan.

I am now a counter-terrorism officer.

They always have the cutest cashiers.

I guess you could say she Scandinavian.

I set my items on the counter, and the cashier starts ringing them up one after another while I wait patiently. I notice the guy in line behind me a few people still acting a little weird, antsy is how I would describe it.

Anyways, the cashier snaps me out of my thoughts by telling me my total and as I go to reach for my wallet, I see the guy dashing out the door.... as in transfixed on his fleeing image, my hand reaches my pocket and I realize he's stolen my wallet!

I make a mad dash for him, chasing him down in the middle of the parking lot. He reaches his vehicle at the other end and as he hops in, I catch up to him and I'm able to grab his leg. I start pulling his leg and pulling his leg harder and harder trying to get him out.

I keep pulling his leg very similarly to how I've been pulling your leg for the last minute.

Apparently, it's a series of bark codes.

While our groceries are being scanned, the clerk asks, "Have you checked your eggs?"

I responded, "No; I haven't."

The clerk opens the egg carton and my boyfriend says, "Yep! Those are eggs alright!"

It's like a captive audience. Dad laid this one down while shopping for Christmas dinner.

Would you prefer paper or plastic, sir?

Either is fine, I'm bisacksual

So I was standing in the grocery store comparing the prices of a couple packs of hummus when my roommate came up to me and suggest the off brand roasted red pepper kind to which I replied:

"Ya, I'm not really sure about that brand. They seem to be very hit and hummus for me."

He was not impressed.

Guess he made a missed steak.

Checkout person (male or female - no one is spared): do you want help with your packing?

Dad: well yes, if you don't mind. I'm going away on holiday tomorrow!

and the checkout girl asks if I want a bag for them. I say "No thanks, I'll wear them out." She actually smiled. Yes, I'm a dad.

A dad's in front of me with his teenage daughter buying school supplies. Goes to tap to pay and notices a sign "VISA does not tap."

Imgur

Dad, loudly: "So, VISA does not tap, eh? VISA will salsa but it refuses to tap!"

Girl, obviously used to this: "Dad!"

Can still hear the dad as they leave, "Do you think VISA would do the merengue?"

Asked to take a photo of the sign and saw a knowing look on the teen clerk's face. I think he knew where this was going...

Machine pumps out 3 brand new one dollar bills

Brother: "Man, those are crisp!"

Me: sniffs bills "...Minty"

Buying venison when the person behind me says:

"Venison, eh? That's game"

A dad and his young daughter behind me in line:

• Daughter: Is it hard to get past security here?
• Dad: No, it's very easy.
• Daughter: How?
• Dad: You pay.

Cashier: "Would you like your drink in a bag or out?"

Dad: "No thanks, we'll drink and drive." (Huge shiteating grin)