I heard it was pirated.
They're the Barbers of Bad News
Only when it was Daylight Shaving Time.
There seems to be a real grey area.
But then it grew on me.
But with time, it grew on me.
Sunny spells.
I’m writing flower puns for a book. Is it in bad form to write What did the transplanted bearded iris say to the garden? I’m surrounded by stigma.
It was a freak accident
My family and I were getting ready to go to the in-law's for Christmas eve dinner. While I was combing out my beard, the comb snagged. I announced to my kids that my beard better be careful or it'll end up on Santa's knotty list. I could hear their eyes rolling.
I told her “I’m big pimpin!”
She turned around and left.
They were also the four chin teller
Because he's made from shaved ice!
When the arrive they are asked what bloodtypes they have.
The priest thinks and says “I believe I am a type A positive”
The minister says“I’m quite certain I'm a type B negative”
The rabbit tugs on his beard and thoughtfully says “I think I’m a type O”
I said yeah I wasn't crazy about it at first either, but it grew on me.
But it's really growing on me.
Because he had an e-reptile dysfunction
But it grew on me.
I guess he’s just trying to shave face…
He was a bald faced liar.
It's called the Santa Clause
He replied with: thanks, I grew it myself.
He got a high five for that.
Then it grew on me.
A "to-go tea."
So my wife took our pet bearded dragon to the vet. When she walked in, I asked her:
"So what did the vet say? Does the lizard have A Reptile Disfunction?"
I collapsed in gales if laughter at my own humor (as I often do). Wife groaned and regretted her life choices.
But it’s starting to grow on me
Daylight SHAVINGS time!
Me: You know what's similar between you and an old Native American man?
My friend: What?
Me: Apache beard.
He asked for a "to-go tea."
I told her, "Yeah, it's been growing on me."
He didn't believe in shaving himself for marriage.
Almost 40 and growing my beard out for the first time. Wife finally says "You know I'm starting to like it." And I could finally say "Yeah. It's growing on me."
A bearded jolly-looking fat white man in a red suit and with bandaged stumps where his hands used to be walks into a bar and orders a beer with a straw. "Who are you supposed to be?" the bartender asks. "Well I just lost both my hands in a freak sleigh accident last night," the man replies. "So I guess just call me Canta Plaus."
A pirate and a sailor were exchanging stories. The sailor pointed to the pirate’s peg leg, asking “How’d you get that?”
“Aye, I wrestled a shark and lost me leg.”
The sailor pointed to the pirate’s hook and asked “How’d you get that?”
“Aye, I fought Red Beard’s crew and lost me hand.”
The sailor then pointed to the pirate’s eyepatch, again asking “How’d you get that?”
“Aye, a bird flew by and shat in me eye.”
The sailor responded with “That’s not as impressive as the first two”.
“Aye, it was me first day with me hook.”
People ask me sometimes, they say ( because they are wise to seek my counsel on this matter), "how is it that Norsemen came to be known as "Norwegians"?"
You see, back in days of Yore, when Norsemen first got it in their heads that the Brits and the Picts were a puny lot, ripe for the harvest so to speak, they first scouted the area by pretending to be tourists. They found themselves a nice sidewalk cafe operated by a couple limey weasels, and set their boots heavily on the outdoor table and ordered up a corned beast suitable to their needs. And ale. They needed some ale. You can't smash a horn down and demand "more ale, wench!" In a loud, commanding voice if you haven't had any in the first place.
The waitress was a slip of a lass, dark-complected, demure and quiet to match her appearance. She stammered out that, being a Green Initiative business, Ale was not only unavailable but philosophically out of place. But they had some lovely tea with a hint of lavender...
Thorrfin Skullsplitter leaned forward at this news, and bellowed, "we are not teetotalers!", pounding his fist on the iron-lace table.
Lenny Mcgreasel, one of the cafe's two owners, heard the commotion and injected his condescending, servile whine to the conversation, "is there anything we can bring the large gentlemen from our menu?", gesticulating to the hand-crafted hemp/flaxseed menu depicting what could only be described as a garden, rather than a list of things to eat.
Thorrfin's mate, Snorri Log-Bender, immediately ordered, as if he'd been thinking about this moment for some time, "what I'd like is to have some bacon salad"
Thorrfin was still muttering in his beard over not being a teetotaler. " I'm sorry sir, we only serve as food that which has grown fresh from the garden"' the waitress chirped. That was the last straw. With a shove of his boot, and a full dose of disgust, the table flew backwards.
"C'mon, Snorri", he said in disgust, and he stood, once again emoting, "we are not teetotalers"
Just then another small-faced waitress popped around the corner carrying tofu laced with kale and and whole-grain brown rice. Snorri saw his chance, and with a face of disgust he emoted,
"Nor Vegans"
And with that they bid their their host a hostile farewell, only to return two weekends later with a fully armed force of Vikings,- and established what would become the preeminent fast food of a millennia, fish and chips, served only with the darkest stout.
To hear the Engl
... keep reading on reddit ➡
I had recently joined a band as their bassist, whose previous bassist was very punny and also had a long beard like me.
I had made some unmemorable pun, and the guitarist said, "Goddamn it, puns must be related to beards."
I said, "With great length comes greatest pun ability."
Swear to god this is true. Only two people witnessed it. I want you all to be my witnesses.
I’ve really been opposed to beards in the past because I don’t like how they look. But because of laziness, I now have a beard. And to be honest, it’s really grown on me
My kids have gotten to saying this a bunch, so now I reply like a dad...
"Oh ya! We went to the same New Year's party once."
"Sure! He makes the best crab dip."
"Big beard? Lousy tipper?"
"The tattoo guy?"
"Biblically."
"Gave him a 5-star Uber review."
"He was the best man at my wedding."
"I think I owe him $20."
"The bouncer at the club!? How do YOU know him?"
"Doesn't he work at the bakery next to PetSmart?"
"I heard he once punched a cop and broke his nose!"
I asked her if he was fast
Because he's the ginger beard man
How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop
any time.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd
never met herbivore.
When chemists die, they barium.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
Why were the Indians in America first? They had reservations.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she
couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pointless.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A theasaurus.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The
police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Velcro - what a rip off!
Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.
My friend sent me these puns idk source just thought you would enjoy
Because it was Apache
