I was buying the wife some underwear, I asked the shop assistant;
βAre these knickers satin?"
"Noβ she said, βTheyβre brand new...β
π︎ 25
π
︎ Nov 24 2020
I went to the book store and asked the assistant for any books about turtles.
She asked " Hardback? " And I said.. .." yeah, and little heads. "
π︎ 2
π
︎ Nov 10 2020
I was in town earlier on looking for some fly killer. I picked up a can and asked the young store assistant "Excuse me, is this any good for wasps?"
"No" he said, "It kills them"
π︎ 9
π
︎ Sep 24 2020
Why was the bakerβs assistant fired?
π︎ 53
π
︎ May 28 2020
Last summer, I worked on a party boat for the assistants to the staff of Terry Crews
I was on the Crews' crew's crew cruise crew.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jul 20 2020
Today, the day after Ash Wednesday, my assistant discovered she actually enjoys making spreadsheets.
I told her that was excellent.
.
(This is a true story.)
π︎ 4
π
︎ Feb 28 2020
I was in the Apple store the other day and the sales assistant Robert, approached me and asked would I like to try the new iPhone. Not interested, I turned and said:
π︎ 10
π
︎ Dec 05 2019
I asked the shop assistant where the Terminator action figures were.
She said "Aisle B, back".
π︎ 25
π
︎ Feb 07 2020
I'm the best Assistant DJ in the entire world....
In fact, I hold the record!
π︎ 12
π
︎ Oct 30 2019
I asked the book store assistant where the books on self help were...?
She replied "Sorry, that would defeat the purpose"
π︎ 12
π
︎ Sep 15 2019
Why did the dental assistant go to the comedy club?
She was told she was really good at impressions!
π︎ 3
π
︎ Aug 30 2019
When my son was born the assistant dropped him so I proceeded to make some real lifestyle changes
It was a real midwife crisis
π︎ 10
π
︎ Mar 23 2019
Branch manager and assistant to the branch manager
π︎ 6
π
︎ Mar 15 2018
"Excuse me, what's the expiry date on this?" I asked the shop assistant.
"Sir," he said, "that's a calendar."
π︎ 34
π
︎ Sep 29 2018
Did you hear about the baker and his assistant Pi?
It was a pretty ordinary day. A woman came in wanting a couple piece of cheesecake, and the baker was busy. So Pi cut her 3.14 slices...
π︎ 3
π
︎ Mar 06 2019
I walked into a furniture shop. I said to the assistant, "That leather seat over there...I've been sent in by my wife to buy it for her."
He said, "Ah, I've got one those at home."
I said, "Well, she can't be as bossy as mine."
π︎ 7
π
︎ Nov 28 2018
Today I was waiting have a cavity filled at the dentist when the assistant hands me the smart tv remote to put something on while I wait.
So I say βNothing like a little Netflix and drillβ
π︎ 6
π
︎ Oct 18 2018
Dadjoking the crowd every time I introduce my assistant
"This is my assistant. She's also my sister, so that makes her my assister!"
π︎ 135
π
︎ Mar 13 2014
What do you call the assistant to the assistant nut?
π︎ 4
π
︎ Sep 13 2018
I went to a cake shop and told the assistant that I wanted to design a cake for my wife.
"What would she like on top of that?" asked the assistant.
I said, "Probably some money and for me to do the cleaning."
π︎ 4
π
︎ Aug 14 2018
I went into the local card shop and asked the assistant whether they did bereavement cards..
.. she said βyes of courseβ, βgreat!β I said, βcan I exchange this βget well soonβ card for a bereavement card?β
(My Dad just laid this one on me)
π︎ 3
π
︎ Dec 17 2017
The teaching assistant for our class didn't show up the day after injuring his foot
Our professor told us he had a lame excuse
π︎ 113
π
︎ Apr 28 2016
What did the Italian scientist say to his assistant with B.O.?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Sep 23 2017
The shop assistant just groaned...
My girlfriend wnted a new watch so we went to the local shopping centre to go to the Fossil shop. It was shut due to a power outage. Go back the next day and they're open; a quick chat with the shop assistant and she says the problem still isn't fixed and they're using generators to try and get through the day.
I couldn't help myself and say "I guess that means you're running on Fossil Fuel then?"
It didn't go down very well.
π︎ 57
π
︎ Jun 12 2014
My wife typoed and sent the text: "I think my assistant is quoting on me."
To which I replied, "so she'll work for you nevermore?"
Wifey was not amused.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Feb 29 2016
My university advertised in the newspaper for a new assistant professor. We were confused when the paper called and said that...
π︎ 13
π
︎ Jun 27 2011
Was watching Mulan with the family. During the draft scene, the emperor's assistant guy calls out a family name.
Assistant guy: "Tha Chu family"
My dad: "Did he sneeze or something?"
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jan 24 2016
Why couldn't the lab assistant understand the wet nuclear physicist?
Because he was soakin' fusing.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Sep 10 2015
A man walked into a hardware store, picked up a can of fly spray and asked the assistant, "Is this good for wasps?"
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Oct 16 2019
A man walked into a hardware store, picked up a can of fly spray and asked the assistant, "Is this good for wasps?"
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jun 18 2020
A man walked into a hardware store, picked up a can of fly spray and asked the assistant, βIs this good for wasps?β
He said, βNo, it kills them.β
π︎ 54
π
︎ Apr 24 2020
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