That's the Question Puns

Bro, like come on. You were there!

almost all of the ants you see are female! True story for bees as well!

Then a kid did the hand raise thing on Zoom and asked a question. "How do you know that they're all girl ants?"

That's a great question!

Here's the scientific process... You get a bug bucket and fill it with room temperature tap water. You carefully get an ant on a 5mm wooden dowel (stick) and lower the dowel into the water. The ant will instinctively separate from the dowel to take advantage of the waters surface tension. If the ant sinks, it's a girl ant. If it floats...

Last week while my nephew and I were watching old cartoons, he told a joke that literally made me groan. Here’s the joke in question: why does the leader of the Autobots always have a positive outlook? >!Cuz he’s Optimist Prime!<

Me: I give up.

Dad: Why? The question wasn’t that hard.

First question: How do you get an elephant into a refrigerator?

Open the door, put the elephant in, and close the door.

Second question: How do you get a giraffe into a refrigerator?

Open the door, take the elephant out, put the giraffe in, and close the door.

Third question: The Lion King calls a meeting for all the animals in the animal kingdom. Everyone is there except for one, who is it?

The giraffe. He's stuck in the fridge.

Final question: You come to an alligator infested river. You know this because there's a little sign that says "Caution. Alligators." How do you get across?

Swim. All the alligators are at the meeting with the Lion King.

I have to know what his final answer was.

Does a bear scat in the woods?

(Zee-ba-da-zap-dooey)

The teacher asked tim in this way : tim your mom is pregnant right is it a boy or girl?

Tim told the teacher she had a bicycle.

Bicycle? Asked teacher

Yeah or maybe a tricycle... Replied tim

Annoyed by the reply teach took him to office

The principal asked the tim same question.

Tim replied she had a bicycle or a tricycle or maybe a gocart....

The principal called his mother and asked.

The mother replied she had a miscarriage.

Tim : i knew that thing had wheels.

A man buys a parrot, thinking it’ll be a good companion. Upon getting the parrot home it starts talking, using really fowl (sorry, not sorry) language.

The man attempts to explain that he doesn’t tolerate that kind of talk in his home, but the parrot won’t cease its cursing. Angry and frustrated, the man punishes the parrot by putting it in the freezer for a full minute.

Upon retrieving the parrot from the freezer it’s incredibly upset and begins hurling even viler insults at the man. So he puts the parrot back in the freezer for 3 full minutes.

This time upon retrieving the bird it seems to understand the situation and through chattering beak promises not to speak that way again.

A few days later however the parrot again begins using filthy language and the man, being fed up, returns the parrot to the freezer for a full five minutes.

This time when taking the parrot out it is visibly shaken, has frost on its feathers and is shivering something fierce.

The man asks ‘have we learned our lesson?’ To which the bird replies ‘yes sir, no more cursing from me. But I have one question.’

Man asks ‘what’s that?’

Parrot replies ‘what the fuck did that turkey say to you?’

NEIN!

It was in tenths!

Now, I'm no sophisticate, so it shouldn't surprise you to learn that I can't speak a lick of French. Knowing this would pose some problems at a French restaurant, I made my illiteracy abundantly clear to our server before hand. So I requested him to be a little more patient with our table on account of my being an uncultured oaf.

Straight away, I had difficulties locating the apps on the menu, which, let me add, was entirely in French. Hoping that our server might give me a hand, I asked him if he could point out where I could find the appetisers on the menu. Instead of answering my sincere question, the waiter tapped the menu rather briskly and said, "Order". Slightly taken aback, I replied, "Pardon?". "ORDER", came the brusque reply. Now, I'm not particularly clever in tense situations, so I repeated the question again, hoping for a slightly more helpful answer. For some reason, our waiter took particular offense at this, and went, "ORDERV, ORDERV, READ THE DAMN MENU. WE HAVE OTHER CUSTOMERS TOO, YOU KNOW!". Now, I'm not a particularly prideful person, but even I have some dignity, so we thanked the waiter and excused ourselves.

TLDR; Our rude waiter kept ordering me, an idiot, to order off the menu, instead of telling us where the goddamn appetisers were.

A monk was tending a garden when he noticed a dove and a raven squabbling in a tree. He turned to the birds and asked them, “What is the sound of one hand clapping?”

Immediately the dove quited down and contemplated the question, ignoring the continued harassment of the raven.

Emboldened, the monk turned to the raven and told it, “Out of nowhere, the mind comes forth.” The raven notes this wisdom and was peaceful, but the dove did not hear his words and again rose a great ruckus.

The monk smiled ruefully. “Truly it may be said that you cannot still two birds with one kōan.”

It logs in.

(thought I'd share this joke that's not mine because when I asked my friend the question she didn't realize there was a joke coming, just thought I actually had lost my mind at exams, but it was actually a joke, which I a big releaf)

I have so say a big thank you to all that contribute these great Dad jokes every day. For the last few months I have been absolutely tormenting my wife with these under the guise of asking a legitimate question or making a statement. It's been a great summer.

I thought at first that it was a legit question, so I was thinking Venus flytrap… but by the look on his face, I knew he got me.

“A tree,” he said. “Because they’re always throwing shade.”

Bravo, son. The roots run deep in our family.

So that begs the question, how many people has a married tiger killed?

It's true

Like all beings, the cow was brought into being by the universe.

The cow was very curious about its existence and asked a lot of questions of the universe.

"what am I?" it asked.

"a cow" the universe relied.

"why am I here?" it asked

"to be a cow" the universe relied, and nudged a pile of hay nearby, trying to distract her from digging deeper into that question.

The universe has a lot on its plate, existentially speaking, and in the past its gotten a bit fed up with some of its creatures.

But after what happened to Adam and Eve, the universe learned to be more patient with inquisitive beings.

The success of cats is largely because they take responsibility for their own curiosity.

But the cow was a bit needier, seeking answers rather than exploration.

The universe hoped the smell from the hay would entice it to act rather than ask.

"What's that?" the cow asked.

"Hay" the universe sighed..."for eating," it added, hoping to keep the cow quiet for a while so the universe could focus on other things.

It worked for a while but as soon as the cow's 4 stomachs were full it started asking questions again.

And that's when the universe created a bull.

"And what is that?" she asked

"That's a bull" the universe replied and wiggled its existential eyebrows suggestively.

The cow headed over to the bull and chatted him up, leaving the universe in peace for a while.

The cow was content in until she started started noticing some changes in her body.

"what's this?" she asked, pointing to her swelling body.

"You're pregnant" it replied.

She got really curious about what that meant and became very hyper asking question after question about pregnancy and birth.

She remained excited throughout the gestation, asking questions to prepare for her for the birth.

But when the day came she relaxed, and stayed focused on the task at hand. And after she gave birth, she was exhausted!

Nevertheless, she pulled herself together, looked at the baby that she brought in to the world and, predictably, asked the universe:

"What's that?"

"A calf" the universe sighed, trying to accept the relentless inquisitiveness of the cow.

"Ohhhh!" she sighed, "that explains it!"

The universe blinked. It couldn't help itself.

"Explains what?" it asked.

"Why I'm so tired!"

The universe paused.

"it's because," the cow said, "I'm decalfinated".

And the universe took the power of speech away from the cow for eternity.

... ...

Edited

Around 1910, a French chef did a series of reckless experiments with boiled egg whites and other items, thus accidentally creating a new condiment. He named it after his hometown, and so the new confection became known as mayonnaise.

One of the first fans of the new confection was Mexico’s ambassador to France, who wrote home about this marvelous new product, and so an enormous demand for mayonnaise developed across Mexico. But the demand could not be met; the chef refused to share the recipe with anyone, and the logistics of keeping the product cold while in transit from France to any part of Mexico proved very difficult.

An especially ambitious entrepreneur named Julio Gomez offered a solution: instead of sailing from France directly to Mexico, through the warm waters where the unrefrigerated mayonnaise would likely spoil, it could be shipped from France to the northern United States, a voyage that would be much colder and therefore preserve the mayonnaise much better. Once unloaded in New York, it would only need a few days to reach Mexico by train, and so Gomez arranged for special refrigerated rail cars to transport it.

The financial and logistical difficulties of this shipping method were daunting, but Gomez was more than equal to the task. He had hoped to begin the shipping in late 1911 to take advantage of the cold weather, but what with one thing and another he was forced to delay until the following spring.

But April in the North Atlantic is still cold enough, and so Gomez went ahead with his plan. He secured his supply of mayonnaise in Paris, and got it to Liverpool in record time. From there he managed to get it into the cargo of a passenger liner that was leaving for New York that very day, and arranged for the rail cars to meet the shipment in New York. Word of this development reached Mexico, where it was received with great joy and anticipation.

Much to Gomez’s misfortune, the ship in question was none other than the Titanic. The importation scheme was a total loss, and no further attempt to import mayonnaise to Mexico was made for decades after.

Due to the rushed and chaotic nature of Gomez’s operation, it took some weeks to confirm that his cargo of mayonnaise had been on the Titanic. Once the news was confirmed, Mexico’s hopes were crushed and there was a period of low-key national mourning.

The tragic loss of the Titanic shocked and saddened people all over the world. Mass funerals for the dead passengers were held in New York, L

I am currently in the hospital. I had a back operation yesterday. The surgical nurse came in my room and started asking questions about my back. She asked me if I had any falls during the last year. I responded just one. It was after summer.

She laughed and said in 20 years of doing this she never was told that joke.

Once I was in a yogurt shop minding my own business, when I heard a couple of women talking in an interesting accent at one of the nearby tables. I glanced over and noticed that they were quite attractive. A little on the larger side, but that never stopped me before. So, yogurt cup in hand, I boldly approached their table.

“Excuse me,” I said, “I couldn’t help but overhear your conversation, and I noticed your lovely accents. Are you two ladies from Scotland by any chance?”

They immediately bristled at my question, obviously offended, and one of them snapped at me, “It’s Wales!”

“No offense intended,” I replied. “Please allow me to try again...are you two whales from Scotland?”

No disrespect intended 🙂

The man was saddened deeply at the loss. It felt only natural that he bury the animal properly. He went to a nearby church. He found the priest and said, "Sir, can you help me? I would like to give my dog a proper burial."

The priest was bothered by the notion of burying the dog in the cemetery. He replied, " I am sorry for your loss sir, but we can't accept your pet into our burial grounds."

The man's heart sank, but he wasn't about to give up. He asked the priest, "Is their anywhere I can take him?"

The priest thought carefully and said, "You can try one of the protestant churches on the other side of town."

A gleam of hope came over the man's face. "Thank you Father, I will do just that. I do have one final question. Being a man of the cloth do you think a $10,000 donation would be appropriate for whomever will let me bury my pet?

The priest then burst out, " I am so sorry sir you can most certainly bury your pet here! You didn't mention that your dog was Catholic!"

sous vide, or not sous vide--that is the question

The friar puts a sign outside that said ‘bell ringer wanted, tryouts Saturday morning’

Saturday morning rolls around, and there were three people lined up out front of the church waiting to try to ring the bell. A tall, muscular man, a skinnier, frail man, and an average sized man.

The friar took them all up one at a time and handed them the hammer to hit the church bells with.

The muscular man grabbed the hammer in one hand, slammed it into the bell, and nearly shattered both with the force behind the swing. The friar said that they’ll have to keep looking.

The frail man could barley pick up the hammer. He swung it pitifully, and managed to ting the bell. The friar just shook his head and chuckled, thanking the man for coming.

The average sized man refused the hammer. Before the friar could question it, the man reared his head back and slammed it into the bell, producing a ring of such pure tone and quality it brought a tear to the friar’s eye. While he was wiping the tear from his face, the man, stumbling from the impact of skull to bell, accidentally tripped and fell off the bell tower to his death.

Well, the townsfolk had heard the beautiful bell, and a small crowd had gathered beneath the bell tower around the man’s body.

Collectively, they said “Who is he Friar? What happened?”

The friar shook his head sadly and said

“I don’t know, but his face rings a bell”

BUT IT ISN’T OVER CAUSE THEY STILL NEED A BELL RINGEE ROUND TWO KIDDOS HERE WE GO!!

So the next morning, when the friar opened the doors in the morning, a man approached him and said “Friar, you don’t know me, but the man who died yesterday was my brother. I’d be honored if you’d let me ring the bell today in his honor.”

The friar nodded and let the new man up the bell tower, handing him the hammer.

With a nightly swing, the man slammed the bell, producing again a high quality ringing tone. Unfortunately, he slipped while off balance and fell off the bell tower too and died.

Again, people were gathered around and they all asked as one “Who is he, Friar, what happened?”

The friar looked at them all in turn and said “I don’t know, but he’s a dead ringer for his brother”

So this past Thursday, my wife and I had tickets to see the new Batman film. We managed to get a babysitter organised and everything.

We're sat in the cinema for the obligatory 30 minutes' worth of adverts/trailers. Getting pretty pumped to see The Batman at this point.

Around about 20 minutes into the film (absolutely glued to the screen), I notice that I'm starting to feel really itchy and my lips started to swell up and go numb (this has only happened once before and I've been to the GP to have tests done. All negative so far).

Another 5 minutes go by and I'm starting to struggle to breathe but fuck, it's Batman, I can push through this, right?.. Wrong!

5 minutes after that, I'm sat in the ambulance that my wife had called for me, on my way to A&E. After half the night in A&E, alone, they discharge me.

My wife picks me up. As I get home, her friend (who babysat for us) was still at our house comforting my wife. After the questions of concern and comments of relief, she asked how the first 30 minutes of The Batman was.... my answer?...

"It was so good, it took my breath away".

TL;DR. 30 minutes into The Batman I went into anaphylactic shock and found it extremely difficult to breathe. Once being discharged from the hospital I was asked how the for 30 minutes of The Batman was. I responded with "it was so good, it took my breath away".

A large Russian company buys a batch of off-road Mercedes trucks. The deal also includes training of drivers to work with the new equipment. One such Mercedes catches up with an old MAZ truck on the road. At one point the MAZ stopped, then a man with a bucket jumped out of it and scooped some water from a puddle on the road and poured it into the fuel tank. Then he gets in the truck, lights it and sets off. The instructor in the Mercedes, who speaks a little Russiаn, asks the driver:

- What's happening?

"It's out of fuel."

"You keep fuel in puddles along the road?"

- No. This is water.

The German was silent for a few minutes and stated:

- The car in front of us is moving with water!

- No! It's moving with diesel!

The instructor decides to make fun of him and is silent until they reach the base. Excited, he goes there and shares with his colleagues what he saw. It turns out that someone else saw the same thing, but he doesn't know Russiаn and couldn't ask. He returns to his trainee and continues to question. If MAZ is running on diesel, why did the driver add water to the fuel tank? The Russiаn explains to him that the pipe that sucks the diesel is located just a few centimetres above the bottom of the fuel tank. At the moment it stops refuelling, there are another ten litters of diesel in the fuel tank. When water is poured, the level rises, then the diesel, which is lighter, rises from the top and the truck can travel many more kilometres. Amazed by this explanation, the German asks:

"Why don't they put the fuel pipe at the bottom of the tank?"

The Russiаn's in shock answers him:

- But what if there is water in the diesel?

Edit: How a MAZ truck looks like - https://youtu.be/roj5Xf55PDU

I know this topic has been done to death in here and I apologise to the mods for bringing it up again but recent "jokes" have made me question what the point of this sub is.

I'd like to not have a discussion about "should we let NSFW jokes here or not" instead I think it should be important to understand what everyone thinks their defenition of a dadjoke actually is.

Before I say my definition I want to make it clear that I whole heartedly enjoy good NSFW jokes and I'm a regular visitor to r/unclejokes.

My defenition: a good dadjoke is something that is usually based around a bad pun or clever word play that makes people around you groan or roll their eyes, similar to the types of jokes you find in Christmas crackers, they are so bad that they are good. The language involved can sometimes be a bit NSFW depending on the subject material but on the whole if you change things about a bit your can make it suitable for most ages. It is the type of joke where when you tell it everyone's first reaction is to complain how bad it is before then secretly uttering a chuckle themselves.

I want to know what everyone else's definition of a dadjoke is so that we can see what everyone thinks. The old "it's a dadjoke because I'm a dad and I'm telling a joke" I just don't think is an accurate enough description so trying to get a better one.

Thank you.

For a bit of context, in human anatomy the chin is referred to as “mental” which is why the area below the chin is considered “sub mental.”

So I am in Anatomy Lab which is being held on Zoom due to Covid, and this is our last lab session for the semester before we transition to Neuro Lab for the remainder of the semester.

So all of my anatomy professors are present and the professor asks “Are there any questions before we begin?”

me bursting at the seams with this joke I’ve been sitting on for 2 weeks

“Yes Professor I wanted to ask, is your chin okay?” “My…my chin?” “Yea, I was told that if you care about someone, you should check on their mental health, you know?” cue the professors all slowly getting the joke before they all start laughing out loud

I got a mix of groans from fellow classmates and praise from professors for being clever. My professor asked where my kid was, as this was a textbook dad joke.

I hope you guys enjoyed it as much as my professors did. It was a golden opportunity that I couldn’t pass up.

The camel replies, "Ha! That's a funny question coming from an animal with a penis hanging from his face."