A little real life back and forth that happened with me and my 12 year old
Reposting as I didn’t have enough karma, hopefully I do now 🤞🏻
Just happened in real time and I need to tell my people
My son came downstairs and said: I can’t believe that Michael Bay directed Transformers and a Nightmare on Elm Street!
Me: Have you heard about his uncle?
Son: Who’s his uncle?
Me: Old Bay
Son: 🤦🏼♂️
There’s this WWII story about a real life welder who single handily repaired a US Navy destroyer that was about to sink in the Pacific Ocean.
Just goes to show that truth is solder than fiction.
Dad: "Did you know that preserving these vegetables in a jar can prolong their life by years?"
Have you noticed that cars are less controllable in video games than in real life?
It's because they're on a hard drive.
For the life of me, I couldn’t remember the dress that ballerinas wear.
Then I put tu and tu together.
Male bees die after mating. That’s their life:
I keep seeing the same joke that it takes ten tickles to make an octopus laugh. Can we stop with the harassing of sea life and just...
My friend Earl has a wife that is a bit obsessive about finding the total number of things in her everyday life...
I didn't think a vasectomy would change my life that much...
Only two things make me forget about all the shit that's going on with my life. Comedy and......
I just found out that my friend has a secret life as a priest.
Whats with the saying "that's how you get ahead in life"?
I was already born with one.
I knew a man who worked in restaurants his entire life. On his death bed, he told me he regretted that he never left to follow his dreams..
It was never the right time, so he spent his whole life waiting.
Did you know that Stalin never said thank you throughout his whole life
That’s because he didn’t speak English
I’ve decided to tell my kids that I want to live my life as a woman
It’s better to be honest, I just want to be transparent
My friend joined a cult who believe that we’ll all turn to water and be evaporated into a bigger life force...
I said... you’ll be mist...
I felt like a hero when I donated that kindey to save a kid's life
Figured the collection was getting a bit too big so why not
credit to the r/TwoSentenceHorror subreddit
What do you call an Egyptian that believes life is meaningless?
I bought a new shirt today that has the word LIFE printed across the chest
Tomorrow, I’m going to wear it and stand on the corner at an intersection where panhandlers usually are. My plan is to hand out lemons to stopped drivers. When life gives you lemons ...
Studies show that 4 out of 5 men suffer from diarrhea at some point in their life.
Why are 1 out of 5 men enjoying it??
I had a very good math teacher. He was an integral part of my life. It doesn’t add up that I can’t remember who he was.
He is a real Mister Riemann.
I wish I had more money so that my life was bourgeoiseasier
My teen daughter was complaining about life under “Safer at home”. “I can’t see my friends, there’s literally nothing to do that’s not online. Even my classes are online!”
I told a joke with a pun and she said that it took 5 years off her life. I responded with, "time flies when you're having pun!"
What are the 2 words that will open a lot of doors in your life?
It’s official, scientists have proven that more birthday celebrations is officially linked to a longer life span
Why should you stay away from any marine life that has been removed from the water?
Because they're all de-seas'd animals.
My girlfriend told me that i am the anchor in her life
I spent my whole life being proud of my British heritage until I found out that my Great Grandfather was actually from Transylvania…
Now I can’t even look myself in the mirror…
My wife tells me that our sex life is weird, mostly because I get easily distracted.
Guess I better get back to it.
It's the small things in life that count.
My daughter didn't want to eat her dinner so I said "Ok that's fine, technically you can go the rest of your life without eating."
"You'd starve to death but that technically was the rest of your life."
My girlfriend told me that she was tired of ED ruining our sex life.
I finally put a lock on the door to keep him from barging in.
His whole life had built up to that moment.
I was on a college visit with my dad and we were walking through the textiles department. We walk into the loom room, which is a large room full of looms, and I knew immediately that something was coming. I looked at him and gave him a "don't you do it" look. We then walked into the dying room, which is a room where the students dye the fabrics they've just made on the looms. It was hopeless.
"Man, death was only looming in the last room. People are dying all over the place in here."
Did you know that NASA found bones of an unidentified life form on the moon?
Update: bones have been identified, turns out the cow didn't make it all the way!
What do you call a accident that made a big difference in mommy and I’s life...
What do you call a watermelon that was brought back to life?
It's said that just before death, your entire life flashes before your eyes.
Not in the case of Buddhists. They hear 'Spawning in 3..2..1..'
All my life, I have been pretending to be smart by claiming that I’m in academia.
I can’t even point Academia on a map.
I hate people that try to tell me how to live my life.
I knew I shouldn't have hired an editor to look at my autobiography.
Did you hear about the panda that had his life fortune stolen?
I just found out that my friend lives a secret life as a priest.
Studies show that 4 out of 5 men suffer from diarrhea at some point in their life.
Why are 1 out of 5 men enjoying it?
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