This was actually a reverse Dad joke.
Dad and I were riding in his car maybe 20 years ago, and we started talking about "The royal 'we'". As in the statement "We are not amused".
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Dad: "Do you think the queen ever uses the word "I"?"
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Me: "Aye."
Cue a beaming proud dad face.
Hoosier Daddy
I remember going to the zoo to see it.
I totally nailed it!
They thought it was a bit tasteless.
She must be in a mood because she won’t talk to me
Cheetahs
Have just watched a Michael McIntyre special on Netflix and really enjoyed it.
...that it was a pity that Curiosity killed the cat, but Satisfaction brought it back.
"No, I always dress like this", I replied.
The doctor asked the first old man “What is two times two?” “194,” came the reply. The doctor turned to the second old man. “What is two times two?” “Thursday,” replied the second old man. Finally the doctor addressed the third old man. “What is two times two?” “Four,” came the reply. “That’s great,” said the doctor. “How did you get that?” “Simple,” said the third old man. “I subtracted 194 from Thursday!”
At the on the border of their land is a pool that conjoins the two luxurious estates. In this pool each man has a pet dolphin. Every day, the two old men stand at the edge of the pool, and argue about who's dolphin is the smartest. This has gone in for years.
Then one day the first neighbor says "Let'ssettle thus ince and for all!"
So the two men begin to divise a test to determine which dolphin is the smartest. They spare no expense. There are obstacle courses, memory tests, decoding puzzles, hoops to jump through; the whole nine yards.
As the day of the test comes closer, the first neighbor statys to get nervous. He thinks to himself "what if my dolphin loses...I would be humiliated." So he decides to drug his neighbor's dolphin.
The day of the test arrives and of course the first neighbor wins with flying colors. He gloats his victory for months...but after a while he begins to feel guilty...
So he tells his neighbor "Hey neighbor, I have to come clean. I cheated in the dolphin test. I drugged your dolphin. We don't really know who's dolphin is the smartest."
His neighbor looks at him and says, "You know, that really defeated the porpoise."
He wanted to pass with flying colors.
I thought of that myself.
Because Six hasn't been the same since he left Vietnam. He can seldom close his eyes without opening them again at fear of Charlies lurking in the jungle trees. Not that you could ever see the bastards, mind you. They were swift, and they knew their way around the jungle like nothing else. He remembers the looks on the boys' faces as he walked into that village and... oh, Jesus. The memories seldom left him, either. Sometimes he'd reminisce - even hear - Tex's southern drawl. He remembers the smell of Brooklyn's cigarettes like nothing else. He always kept a pack of Lucky's with him. The boys are gone, now. He knows that; it's just that he forgets, sometimes. And, every now and then, the way that seven looks at him with avid concern in his eyes... it makes him think. Sets him on edge. Makes him feel like he's back there... in the jungle.
If it sinks it’s a girl ant. If it floats however...
Pears… And then he proceeded to fall out of his chair laughing. Meanwhile mom wants to know how she could’ve tested for this before getting in too deep.
Anyone can roast beef.
It's called Pasta Way!
so it's an ex-spearmint.
I was parsley correct.
Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”
“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.
“Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”
“Oh sweet Jesus”, exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”
To this day, venison is deer to me.
But one man, born with extra sensitive smelling, has been providing free exams to the public to eradicate this new threat. Dr. Theodore Nose of UCH Hospital has a long line of patients waiting every morning, wanting the incredible accuracy of this man.
And as his secretary says...
No one's nose knows noses like Nose's nose knows noses.
When an eel bites your hand, and that's not what you planned, That's a moray.
When paternity tests, lead to ratings success, that’s a Maury.
When our habits are strange, and our customs deranged, That's our mores.
When your horse munches straw, And the bales total four, That's some more hay.
When Othello's poor wife Becomes stabbed with a knife, That's a Moor, eh?
When a Japanese knight Uses his sword in a fight, That's Samurai.
When your sheep go to graze In a damp marshy place, That's a moor, eh?
When your boat comes home fine And you tie up her line, That's a moor, eh?
When you ace your last tests Like you did all the rest, That's some more "A"s!
In New Zealand you see An aborigine, That's a Maori.
Alley Oop's homeland has A space gun with pizzazz, That's a Moo Ray.
A comedian ham, With the name Amsterdam, That's a Morey.
When your chocolate graham, Is so full and so crammed, That s'more, eh.
When you've had quite enough, Of this dumb rhyming stuff, That's "No more!", eh?
But Canadians protest, underrepresented in jest, what’s one more, eh?
——————————-
(Repost of mine from over a year ago. Sorry. I remembered it while stoned and it was funny again. Credit to u/weizguy74 for the Maury line.)
Apparently I didn’t understand the gravity of the situation I was in
He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."
"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."
So they did.
Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.
And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
Probably not
"Was it called "In Honor of Elizabeth Reed" back then?
Can you LEGO an egg Gogh?
This technique became known as Munch Housen by Proxy.
Those were the Good Years.
But for one of them, I drew a Blanc.
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... he picked it up carefully with his trunk and peered at the little window with a racing heart...
Positive! ... Brenda was pregnant!
OMG... fear, excitement, shock... and yet more worrying "why hasn't she told me?"
A hundred scenarios raced through his head, his ears trembling, his trunk twitching as each played out...
Finally he calmed... maybe she was waiting for the right moment to tell him the news?
He chose to be patient... he watched her carefully the whole day, carefully avoiding anything that might show that he knew... but Bethany gave no hints whatsoever.
Several days went by, and he grew more and more anxious.
Finally, he could take it no longer...
"Bethany..." he said
"It's time we discussed the elephant in the womb".
Ten tickles!
Of course it only has eight of those.
So the first two were test tickles!
But my doctor just said B positive
The man looks shocked and asks "Oh no! What's the Cure?"
The investigation was known as the "Bueller Report"
I remember one time, I went to the zoo and saw an elephant
I remembered one time I went to a zoo and saw an elephant.
I remember one time I went to the zoo and saw an elephant
