"The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!"
"So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear.
"Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"
I yelled back "I know all those letters!" Everyone laughed, well except this one guy.
I'm no longer covered.
My body was really sore as well!
I’m on season eight. Still not sure what this has to do with security.
You look for the fresh prints!
its pasture bed time
She whispered in my ear, "our children are asleep do what you want"
I then went back to sleep
Where the fuck is my roof ?
The old man replies, "YOU'RE scared?! I'm the one that has to walk back alone!"
It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.
A prostitoot
Martin Freeman, and Andy Serkis.
They also play roles in Lord of the Rings.
I guess that makes them the Tolkien white guys.
I heard parents named their children lance a lot.
First post please don't kill me
Edit: i went to sleep and now my inbox is dead, thank you kind strangers for the awards!
Sieve-alry is not dead.
Japan.
Then it dawned on me
Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller. Don't love me anymore?'
'Nonsense, darling,' replied the husband, 'you just cook better now.'
That was the punchline
She was a roamin Catholic
The little shit used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
Turns out he has unpaid barking tickets
He preferred it simply red
Paddy O'Furniture!
Happy St. Patrick's Day!
He said, “Change the batteries in your hearing aid”.
I opened it and Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg started blasting out of it. I asked my wife, "Did you buy some green onions today?"
"Yeah," she said. "Why?"
"I think you picked up a couple of rapscallions."
I did Nazi that coming
Still can’t figure out how I fit under it.
They said my condition is stable.
I'm sorry it's bad
"Watch out, you might step in a Poodle!"
I might need a space heater.
He got t-boned.
I have a hen-ted house.
First I was afraid, I was petrified
The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?
He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy..." the third guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
The horse says, "I don't think so," then disappears into nothing.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am. The classic philosophy put forward by René Descartes.
But to explain the concept aforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
I was like: 0mg!
Then i woke up.
She hates when I call her that.
She responded: idk, can you knot?
I've never been more proud to be married to her.
I got in trouble for drinking and deriving.
..to find exactly 32 of them.
"They call me the hoarse whisperer"
It really put the willy's up me....
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
It’s pasture bedtime.
