When my classmate, Abhi, couldn’t remember what the unit of measurement of frequency was, he started thinking really hard.

My science teacher then said β€œAbhi, it looks like your head really hertz!”

This actually happened 2 minutes ago

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2019
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I didn’t know what to think walking into the kitchen last night to find my wife draped in lasagna and pouring piping hot soup over her head. β€œI’m just putting the dinner on”, she quipped. How we laughed on the way to the burns unit.
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/spazpekker
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2019
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I don't use units of time

Those are for the week

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NetaFeta
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2019
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I called the police because a man was screaming about large bodies of water and outdoor storage units, but when the police arrived they couldn't arrest him, as he denied everything.

It was a real "He Said Sea Shed" situation.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Maimonides_vii
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2018
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Ahh yes... Frants
πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eyaad_Yoda
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
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What do you call a country of lazy people?

The Procrastination

πŸ‘︎ 332
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AudenWolfe
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
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Someone: "If you need 144 rolls of toilet paper for a 14 day quarantine you probably should've been seeing a doctor long before COVID-19"

My response: "144? That's a gross"

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jazzywaffles84
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2020
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WARNING FOR EVERYONE WHO WANTS THE KFC GAME CONSOLE

Avoid getting a console on launch day. Multiple units had to be recalled due to the circuit boards being "fried".

πŸ‘︎ 104
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ILikeCodecaine
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
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Lancelot: Men, this is a project where we all need to work together.

Arthur: Unite?

Lancelot: Yes I am.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2021
🚨︎ report
What did 50cent say to his grandma after she made him a sweater?

G-unit?

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheHibernian
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
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Without periods

The United States is just like the rest of us

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
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|u|

I'm in awe of this lad, what an absolute unit.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dr_John_Zoidbong
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
When does a bad joke become a Dad joke?

When the punchline becomes apparent

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/916ian
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2018
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Today I saw the biggest unicelular organism to have ever existed. It was about 8cm in diameter.

It was an absolute unit.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HotWilbury
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
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[Meta] The real purpose of dad jokes

Back in the before times, when sit-down restaurants existed, I used to order boneless cheese sticks and would just throw the word "boneless" in front of any appetizer with 100% corniness. The purpose of this isn't to make a good joke. It's not a good joke. The purpose is to make my dining companions catch some cringe splash damage and want to crawl into a hole and die out of embarrassment for my being horribly corny.

But there is a real, deeper purpose that I've discovered entirely by accident. People, especially young people, are so self-conscious and worried about saying or doing something embarrassing that it taints a lot of social gatherings. They go to a restaurant and are afraid to speak up even when their order is blatantly wrong. They'll tip well even when the food took an hour to arrive and the server has disappeared into the corn stalks behind a baseball field. It takes 2 hours of hanging out together before some friends finally stop nitpicking themselves, uncomfortable in their own bodies and brains, feeling perpetually judged, and begin to relax. These are the kinds of people who go to sleep every night replaying cringey moments from high school. Their last thought of the day is when the Burger King girl said, "Enjoy your meal!" and they said, "Thanks, you too."

It takes 2 hours and/or a lot of booze before they're comfortable enough to take conversational risks and truly reveal themselves. But if I come right out of the gate with a really dumb joke, then we can cut to the chase. There's less danger because someone in the group already shot themselves in the foot, right off the bat. They pulled a pin on the cringe grenade and then jumped on it.

You cringe at my dumb joke and then we're over the hump. Someone has already done something pretty stupid, so go ahead and order the hubcap of nachos and a massive chocolate shake because nobody is going to judge you poorly while they're all judging me.

In terms of price negotiations (haggling), there is a psychological concept called "anchoring". You throw out the first number and all subsequent numbers are compared to that number. This is the same idea. We've already set the humor standard pretty low at "boneless cheese sticks", so you can say the dumbest shit you want and, as long as it's not worse than my cheesy joke, it won't matter.

This is why, when you were a teenager and your dad took you and some friends out, your dad made corny jokes. He knew they were corny jokes. You and your friends un

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Permatato
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
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I'm going to name my first son Kelvin

Just so everybody knows he's an absolute unit.

πŸ‘︎ 172
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YoureAMuenster
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2020
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I saw someone carry a large air conditioner to their car

Damn. What a unit.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/joyluck1a
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
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How is β€œGeorge” not the state capital
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Extranomicon
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2017
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How does paper beat a rock?

even the united states military had a hard time winning against a rock.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ethanlgraham
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2020
🚨︎ report
What does a doctor say when playing Peek-A-Boo with his kid?

Intensive Care Unit!

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ“…︎ May 09 2020
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One my actual father said to me

Do you remember the famous Olympic skier Picabo Street? Well she is now a receptionist in an Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital.

Unfortunately, she is no longer allowed to answer the hospital telephones. It caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say:

β€œPicabo, I.C.U.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shadar-Kai-Rogue
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2020
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i love collecting political trading cards

the one of the president of the united states is definitely my trump card

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LemmeBuildThat
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2020
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A "helen" could be used as a measurement of beauty, defined as a face that could launch a thousand ships. However, one should not use a "millihelen" to mean that a face could only launch one ship...

...because you shouldn't put metric prefixes on Troy units.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/IncompotentCyborg
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2019
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Watch out! r/puns is in danger

r/punpatrol

r/punKGB

r/Pun_Internal_Affairs

r/punspecialforces

These are the names of our oppressors! There may be more, but they are our greatest threat. They are currently amassing an army to try to end puns as we know it.

If we are to save this beautiful form of our language, than we must unite! We must not divide ourselves by titles, but unite ourselves as punners!

They plan on eradicating all puns by going to the source, the pun user. Are we to let ourselves be undermined by those who think they are better than us? Are we to let ourselves and all future generations be banned from puns? If you say no, then join in the revolt

##VIVA LA R/PUNS

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SkyThunderStorm22
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2019
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I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games...

I stopped him and said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2017
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Why was the Death Star measured in miles?

Because they used Imperial units.

πŸ‘︎ 855
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2018
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Someone told me that there is a name for a measurement from the earth to the sun. That's pretty large I said

It must be one astronomical unit.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MasterCheezOtter
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2019
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[ACTUAL QUOTE] A$AP Rocky was released from Swedish prison today. Donald Trump's tweet in response to his release:

"A$AP Rocky released from prison and on his way home to the United States from Sweden. It was a Rocky Week, get home ASAP A$AP!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gentlesir123
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2019
🚨︎ report
New weights and measures
  1. The ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds17. 52 cards = 1 decacards18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin22. 10 rations = 1 decoration23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League27. 100 Senators = Not 1 decision
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2019
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Have you seen my friend Kelvin?

The guy must work out or something. He's an absolute unit!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Linq182
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2019
🚨︎ report
A guy signs up for the army and goes to get his equipment after he’s been processed.

When he gets to the place where he’s supposed to pick up his rifle the man tells him thatΒ he just ran out. β€œIf you need to shoot just say β€˜BANGITY BANG BANGITY BANG!'” he says. Bummed out and little confused, the guy moves on to the next areaΒ where he’s supposed to pick up the bayonet. But the next man is out too. β€œIf you need to stab someone justΒ go, β€˜STICKITY STICK STICKITY STICK!'” he says. Dejected and wondering what the heck he signed up for, the guy jumps into the next truck on its wayΒ to the front where there’s a battle raging on.

Side by side with the rest of the soldiers in his unit, the guy advances on the enemy position. As soon as he sees the enemy, he shouts, β€œBANGITY BANG BANGITY BANG!!” Amazingly, the enemy soldierΒ drops to the ground. Encouraged by his success he charges the next two enemy soldiers and goes, β€œSTICKITY STICK STICKITY STICK!” They both immediately collapse in front of him. This is incredible, he thinks, I’ve become unstoppable.

So when he sees his next foeΒ way off in the distance, he shouts,Β β€œBANGITY BANG BANGITY BANG!” at him. He waits for him to fall, but nothing happens. The guy charges his unfazedΒ adversaryΒ nextΒ and goes β€œSTICKITY STICK STICKITY STICK!” Again he thinks the man will fall and again nothingΒ happens. β€œWhy wont you drop?” the guy says. The enemy soldier knocks him down andΒ responds, β€œTANKITY TANK TANKITY TANK!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lavidius
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2019
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My mom is in the hospital

Thursday my mom was admitted into the hospital and Friday she was moved into the IVCU (Interventional Cardiac Unit). As I was leaving her for the night I said, "I'll V C-ing U tomorrow". She was too tired to acknowledge my pun, so I posted here.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EC10-32
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2018
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How do big lads measure temperature?

Kelvin.

Because they’re ABSOLUTE UNITS

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πŸ‘€︎ u/teuast
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2018
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Combined my first 2 joke sets into 1. Enjoy!

I will now take suggestions on how to be more sensitive to deaf people. I'm all ears!

  1. As a ventroliquist, I made one of my dummies sing a song by the GoGos. I'm not going to tell you how I did it. My lips are sealed!
  2. Im the only council member against the construction of the beach. Im going against the grain!
  3. Why did God make me a conjoined twin? Im beside myself!
  4. I put aluminum on a villain's mind control devices. I foiled his plan!
  5. Even though I'm scared of heights, I still go skydiving with this girl I like. Im falling for her!
  6. My shoelace company collapsed. I couldn't make ends meet!
  7. I like using misdirection in my jokes to make people laugh. Or do I?
  8. I won my 17th straight Halloween costume contest dressed as a hotdog. I'm on a roll!
  9. I won my 17th straight Halloween costume contest dressed as a nerd. I'm honor roll!
  10. The answer to this question, "Who's the president of the United States?" is a no-brainer.
  11. I finished a race the other day. I won 'cause I killed all the Kenyans!
  12. I don't know how to wear a wig. At least not off the top of my head.
  13. I went grocery shopping at Harris Teeter for a 50% off everything sale. I went in for a carrot and came out with a half, which is why I now shop at Whole Foods!
  14. If youre being attacked by zombies, just throw a party! Nobody wants to kill the life of the party!
  15. I used to date a girl, who still uses a nightlight. What a turn-off!
πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ADAToTheMoon
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2018
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President John Tyler may have been the father of the Dad Joke

Some Background Info

On March 4, 1841, William Henry Harrison became the 9th President of the United States, with John Tyler as his VP. Exactly one month later, Harrison died, leaving Tyler as the 10th President of the United States. Tyler was elected as a Whig, but chose many Democrats to work in his administration, and often made decisions in the Democratic favor. This made the Whig party angry, and while the Democrats liked some of his actions, they didn't love him. At the end of his presidency, the Whigs were not going to support reelection efforts, and the democrats just liked other people more. This earned him the nickname, "The President Without A Party."

The Dad Joke

At the very end of his presidency, Mrs. First Lady wanted to have celebration. She invited lots of people over, and they all had a good time on Tyler's lawn. Tyler stood on his balcony, looking over all the people have a joyous time when he announced, "Never again can anybody say that I was a president without a party!" and giggled his way into retirement.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cat_attack_
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2016
🚨︎ report
Do you know some words (like color/colour or favorite/ favourite) are spelled differently in the US than in the UK?

It's because when the United States declared independence, they said, "we don't want u anymore."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlakaDAYUM
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2019
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Did you hear about the Band Director who got fired and started a car towing company?

He called it Stuck Auto.

It was a huge success and he found time to focus on his passion for martial arts founding a new school based on starting slow and building up speed. It's called Crush En Do.

It was most noticeably used by a section of the terrorist organization in the United States Capitol. They're known as the D.C. Al Coda.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rannak
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2018
🚨︎ report
Part of this alcohol class is about vodka.

It’s an Absolut unit

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Colin92541
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2018
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My Arab son asked me how come all our neighbor countries like us

I told him that simply its because we are all united Arabs. emirate?

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheOmerAngi
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2019
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Queen Elizabeth visited an Edinburgh hospital recently...

She enters a ward full of patients, and notices that they’re all dressed in street clothes and have no obvious sign of injury or illness. The Queen approaches a patient and greets him. The patient replies:

β€œMy heart’s in the Highlands, my heart is not here, My heart’s in the Highlands, a-chasing the deer.”

The Queen is confused, but smiles and moves on to greet the next patient. The patient responds:

β€œSome hae meat an’ canna eat, And some wad eat tha’ want it, But we hae meat an’ we can eat, so let the Lord be thankit.”

Even more confused, and smiling even more broadly, the Queen moves on to the next patient who immediately begins to chant:

β€œMy love is like a red, red rose that’s newly sprung in June; My love is like the melody that’s sweetly played in tune.”

Now very confused, the Queen turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, β€œIs this a psychiatric ward?”

β€œNo, Your Majesty,” replies the doctor. β€œThis is the serious Burns unit.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fatboyfat1981
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Calendar Days That Are Puns!

Days That Are Puns

1/23 - January 23rd reads like 123
3/10 - Mar10 Day - Nintendo's Mario Day
3/11 - There's an awesome band called 311
3/14 - 3.14 is the first few digits of Pi AKA Pi Day
5/4 - May the 4th be with you - A pun on "May the force be with you." AKA Star Wars Day
7/11 - Free Slurpee Day at 7 Eleven stores
9/11 - No intention of being offensive with this one. 9/11 reads like the emergency phone number used in the United States
10/4 - Pun for 10-4, which is similar to saying "roger that"
10/23 - National Mole Day (Avogrado's number) 6.02 x 10^23

Please mention any I missed!

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wintercool612
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2017
🚨︎ report
What is a dog's favourite measuring system?

K-9 units.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bob-log_cat-log
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2018
🚨︎ report
All of this criticism and backlash over Eminem's recent verses and punchlines is just the collective groan expected when the greatest rapper of all time starts making epic dad jokes.

FINAL FORM! DAD'S UNITE! OUR TIME HAS COME!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DINC44
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2019
🚨︎ report
My old physics teacher: "Can anyone tell me the unit of power?"

Teacher: Can anyone tell me the unit of power?
Class: Watt
Teacher: I SAID, CAN ANYONE TELL ME THE UNIT OF POWER?

πŸ‘︎ 76
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jibbist
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2016
🚨︎ report
I just sold my car and this was my add

Hi Folks, If you are a linguist then I am selling your dream car! I’m selling an Accent, a 2004 Hyundai Accent to be precise. Even if you don’t know a bunch of languages, this car is still great for you.

Just like me, it’s been around the birthday block a few times, but there’s still lots of life left in both of us, I guarantee! If you are looking for the perfect body, seek out a surgeon. If you’re looking for a car that will love you just the way you are, this is it. Now I know what you’re thinking, β€œI bet this is a junker”, but you’d be wrong. Next to my wife this is the best body I’ve ever had my hands on.

What’s wrong with it mechanically you ask? Nothing! It drives great, A/C & heat still work like a dream, breaks work, transmission shifts good, and the 1.6L engine runs great. With its age, the engine has had some parts replaced. All the belts have recently been changed, that happens with age as I just went up a few sizes myself. The washer fluid pump has been changed because it’s important to be able to have a good cry once in a while. I did an oil change in the summer and depending on how long it takes for this car to finds it’s new match, I will do another in the next month or so.

Since beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I’ll give you a run down of what the interior is like. It’s what’s on the inside that matters anyway right? I am the 3rd owner of this car and the previous owner was a smoker. I don’t believe there is a cigarette smell anymore but the cloth seats do have little holes in them. I mean hey, when you play with fire you get burnt right? The stereo head unit has been replaced with a modern Pioneer as the original just wasn’t in tune with my musical needs as a Dj. The only real problem this pretty young thing has is the passenger rear seatbelt does not retract. Since I have two mini controllers I taxi around, I’ve had car seats in the back and have had no reason to replace the seatbelt yet. A new one is only a cool $250 from Hyundai but will take some time for delivery. There are still 4 working seatbelts in the car so if you’re traveling with another couple, I’m sure they’ll love to cuddle up in the middle and behind you, the driver.

The trunk is spacious enough for the average trunk but just doesn’t work out so well for hauling Dj gear. The rear seats fold as easy a poker player having their bluff called, so it will give you extra room. Not much more that I can think of to tell you about but take a look at the plethora of p

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DjBWren
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2017
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My mate Kelvin just graduated from Uni

He's an absolute unit

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Oliludeea
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2018
🚨︎ report

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