Do you know why Aldi’s doesn’t sell its own brand of nuts?

Because it’s would be called Aldi’s Nuts

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CameronC7
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
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What kind of nut doesn't have a shell

Donuts

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KnightHawk37
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2020
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What do you call nuts that don't believe you?

Psshtachios.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thebodymullet
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2019
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What do you call a guy that just can't nut?

A nut-allergic.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThunderAlex2
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2019
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Peanuts aren't actually nuts.

They're just misunderstood.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/canadianbacon23
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2015
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Wife says I won’t get 5 upvotes for this, but... Did you hear the one about the dog and the tree?

They had a long conversation about bark.

Edit: Y'all are nuts! We're somewhere north of 10k upvotes now, so I'll direct any remaining attention to Boot Camp for New Dads.

πŸ‘︎ 25k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/amalgamxtc
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
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What did one boob say to another ?

If we don’t get support, they’ll think we’re nuts

πŸ‘︎ 527
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedMusical
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2021
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Why are some women lesbian?

Because they have a nut allergy (this is entirely a joke).

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jagerisgood11
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2021
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We need to crack down on Marijuana usage
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jamieisntgay
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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What does a worker at the Irish sperm bank say after you are finished?

Tanks fo' nut'in

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Matjesfiletmayo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2021
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Beer time

I did some yardwork yesterday and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking. My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing." The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?" At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions. Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know? Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion: A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." But you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case. Time for another beer.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/berryville_con
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
🚨︎ report
What does a robot do at the end of a one-night stand?

He nuts and bolts!

Edit: wow! My first Silver. You guys are amazing.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedRocketMan_Y
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2020
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Can you believe people actually eat mountain oysters?

Isn't that nuts?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wessdude79
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2021
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What's the difference between Beer Nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are $1.50 but deer nuts are under a buck

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2021
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I am always careful in my backyard

Because some trees are nuts.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ricerly
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2021
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What did they say to the man wrapped in Saran Wrap

Clearly I can see your nuts

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dumbstupidhuman
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2021
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As much as they tried, the ladies couldn't get Mr. Peanut out onto the dance floor.

He was a bit of a wall nut.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kdlaz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2021
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What did one saggy boob say to the other?

β€œWe gotta start getting some support around here or people are gonna think we’re nuts”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FlintTheDad
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
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Why do squirrels swim on their back?

To protect their nuts.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kazabodoo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2021
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Why do socket wrenches make bad lovers?

All they do is nut and bolt

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chc36
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
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Where do Squirrels go during Hurricanes?

It depends on which direction the wind is blowing.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dennyitlo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend told me, "Did you know trees drop edible stuff, that aren't fruit?"

"That's nuts." I replied.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
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I was given a bag of peanuts that had been blessed by the Pope.

I gave them away...I hate religious nuts.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
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I'm a teacher and every day I write a Dad Joke from this sub on the board. Today a student said this to me... I was about to go off... before I got the Dad Joke.

Student: "Sir, someone nutted on the floor!"

Me: *Begins to get angry* *Turns around... there's a hex nut on the floor*

Me: "Well played."

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Plane_Garbage
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?

To keep their nuts dry

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Supah_Trupah
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
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Did you hear about the guy who dipped his testicles in glitter?

Yea, it was pretty nuts.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ihateotherpeople
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
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How do you get a squirrel to like you ?

You act like a nut

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πŸ‘€︎ u/StewTheMoo
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
🚨︎ report
A guy has a rough day and stops at Dick’s Place...

...he tells the owner and bartender that he’s a surgeon down at the hospital and he just wants to forget about everything for awhile.

Dick knows just the thing. He quickly whips up a thick, exotic beverage and places it in front of the worn out doctor. He takes one sip and his eyes light up. β€œWhat IS that?” β€œThat’s my signature almond daiquiri”, Dick tells him. The surgeon tells him it’s delicious, pays his bill and comes back the next day and the next day at the same time for the same thing: An almond daiquiri.

Before long, like clockwork, Dick is able to have it ready for him just before he comes in. But, one day as he is preparing the drink, he realizes that he’s run out of almonds! With no time to lose, he quickly substitutes the almonds with hickory nuts and sets the beverage on the bar.

The surgeon pops in, takes a big gulp, and immediately spits it all over the bar. He looks at the bartender and says, β€œThat’s not an almond daiquiri, Dick!” And Dick says, β€œNo, it’s a hickory daiquiri, Doc!”.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/5YearApril
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
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What’s the difference between a doctor and a priest ?

When the dr touches your nuts it’s strictly business.

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
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I was eating mixed nuts with my girlfriend

... when one accidentally fell out of my mouth and into the nut bowl. My girlfriend then asked: "So if I find a wet nut in there, I'm just supposed to act ca-shew?"

Yeah, I'm definitely putting a ring on her.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/webs7er
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
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What's a deer's favourite dessert?

Doe-nuts.

How much does each one cost the deer?

One buck.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DENelson83
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
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I was in the hotel lobby the other day when I heard 2 chess masters bragging about past wins.

They were chess nuts boasting in an open foyer

πŸ‘︎ 602
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πŸ‘€︎ u/superdolmiosauce
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
🚨︎ report
A guy sees a pirate walking down the street with a steering wheel in his pants...

He yells, hey! Hey, pirate! There's a steering wheel in your pants! Pirate says, Aarr, I know! It's driving me nuts!

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FeelixOne
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
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Even Ferdinand Feghoot could be outpunned on occasion – but he always rose to the challenge.

There was, for instance, the time he conducted a crew of new S.A.R.H. (Society for the Aesthetic Rearrangement of History -BJ) recruits – all from late twentieth-century Terra – on a training study of Carter’s World, a newly established agricultural colony attempting to support itself by the export of edible nuts. Barely into their second generation, and having yet to show a profit, the colonists were technologically backward. Nevertheless, they showed a surprising ingenuity in the use of their few advantages. It was this resourcefulness that Feghoot was demonstrating to his rookies.

β€œLook at the perfection with which these streets are graded”, exclaimed one student. β€œEarth-moving machinery on this scale is strictly high technology stuff. How can they do it?”

β€œA new alleyway is being constructed, nearby”, said Feghoot. β€œLet us walk that way while I explain.” As they strolled, he told his students that countless centuries before, the Carter’s World system had been inhabited by a now-vanished race of giants. This very planet had served them for a nursery, and among the many artifacts they had left were thousands of childrens blocks, immense and precision-cut. You simply jack one up onto logs, bring it where you want it, put collapsible jacks underneath, snake out the logs, spread soil more or less evenly beneath, and collapse the jacks.

β€œI see”, said the student. β€œIt’s not graded road at all; its a simple hammered-earth base.”

β€œThat’s right,” Feghoot went on smoothly. β€œYou just hit the road jack and don’t come back no mo.”

His students registered dismay and anguish.

β€œIsn’t that right, old-timer?,” Feghoot demanded of an ancient Carterian standing by the mouth of the newly completed alley they had just reached.

β€œAhm afraid not, suh”, said the senior citizen, and the students giggled at Feghoots discomfiture. β€œOh, we used to do it that way, but it was far too much trouble. It’s the soil heah. You see, the very same soil which produced our famous cashews is so high in clay content that a child could roll out a road of it. Then, we simply use a system of lenses to bake it into hardness. Ahve just completed this alley mahself, and ahm just a retired professor of Sports History, much too old and feeble to handle hydraulic jacks.

β€œSo you see,” he finished, eyes twinkling, β€œMah hammered alley is really cashews clay.”

Howls of agony rose from the students, but Feghoot never hesitated. β€œAnd he”, he said, turning to his students, β€œis clearly the gradi

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nomnommish
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a bunch of chess nerds bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?

Chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lightsup11
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the pirate say in regards to his steering wheel belt buckle??

"It's driving me nuts."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cordur-Oy-Jones
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
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Many years ago there was a vicious viking named RΓΌdoff.

RΓΌdoff was one of the best fighters in his village and a terrifying opponent on the battlefield. He would often return from battle, so drenched in his opponent's blood that he became known as "RΓΌdoff det rΓΈde", meaning "the red".

After years of wars, and regular battles, RΓΌdoff finally grew old, and decided that his fighting days were behind him. He became the best farmer that his village had ever known and people would travel from.far away to ask him about his crops and to predict the weather, as he was quite proficient at it.

One morning he wokeup, and looked out the window, the skys were clear and the sun was shining, but RΓΌdoff could feel the pressure in his old bones and battle scars

"It will Rain soon", he said to his wife while she made breakfast. She glanced outside and told him he was nuts, it was bright and sunny.

He simply hiked up his pants and reminded her:

RΓΌdoff The Red knows rain, dear.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/smoffatt34920
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
A Scotsman visits his doctor. He pulls his kilt up and says doctor you have to help me I'm going crazy

The doctor says I can clearly see your nuts

πŸ‘︎ 91
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrjaxson1111
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
A pirate walked into a bar. He had a steering wheel in his pants.

He said to the bartender, β€œArr, it’s driving me nuts!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/officialsmolkid
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
A man walked into a psychiatrist's office wearing only Saran Wrap

The psychiatrist said, "I can clearly see your nuts."

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MSchmahl
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
At a job interview I got asked to describe myself in a nutshell

I said it's so dark I can't breathe has anyone got a nut cracker I can't breathe

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrjaxson1111
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Thai girls are like a box of chocolates....

You never know which ones have the nuts.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Gesundheit

Guest: No thanks, I’m allergic to nuts.

Host: Which ones?

Guest: cah... cah... CA-SHEWS!!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/youtellmebob
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you describe bench-press obsessed army boys insulting each other while they're being shot at?

Chest nuts roasting in open fire

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/petertree
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
🚨︎ report
What does a robot do after sex?

Nuts and bolts

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tillertrys
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2021
🚨︎ report
What does a robot do at the end of a one night stand?

He nuts and bolts.

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/user7618
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
🚨︎ report
Why do squirrels swim on their back ?

To keep their nuts dry.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2021
🚨︎ report
How could you describe a group of chess grandmasters bragging about their skills in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/atltop5150
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
🚨︎ report

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