I've had a cheap hair transplant. It's made from cat hair.

Only trouble is, every time my wife strokes it, I stick my ass in the air.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
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A woman calls her husband's doctor...

A woman calls her husband's doctor. Β "Did you really tell my husband he could masturbate whenever he wanted?"

"No ma'am, I told him he could have a stroke at any time."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Perrin42
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did President Trump lose the golf tournament?

All his mini strokes put him above par.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/saintpetejackboy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2020
🚨︎ report
What does life and golf and in common?

The less strokes you have, the better.

Edit* β€œWhat does life and golf have in common” not β€œ...and in common”

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JimReaperSr
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2020
🚨︎ report
My Cat has been very poorly lately..

..She's recovering from a massive stroke.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend and I were playing golf. He hit the flagpole on the shot and said β€œthat gave me a heart attack!”

I told him β€œactually that was a stroke”

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dingdongdan69
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you know if a dog is male or female?

Stroke its head.

If he wags his tail, it's male.

If she wags her tail, it's female.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pur__0_0__
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2020
🚨︎ report
It is scientifically proven that eating cookies reduces the chance of you getting a stroke.

Mostly golf strokes, swimming strokes, tennis strokes etc.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2020
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What do you call a handjob from Albert Einstein?

A stroke of genius.

πŸ‘︎ 81
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mortambulist
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2020
🚨︎ report
They are so cool!

Why don’t mountains get a sun stroke? Because they always have snow caps on

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/099nightwalker
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you know that Einstein invented a new way to swim?

It was a stroke of genius!

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/weirdgroovynerd
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Bernie Sanders is getting old,

First with the heart attack and now with the strokes

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Guitar_Strap
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I hadn’t done my homework but the teacher didn’t show because she had CVA...

It was a stroke of good luck

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Oli_VK
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2019
🚨︎ report
What is the most common medical issue for swimmers?

Strokes

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2019
🚨︎ report
How do moths swim?

Using the butterfly stroke.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rengokufan
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Why was Salvador Dali shaking on the ground?

He was having a brush stroke

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Just seen 2 old ladies get flashed by some man while they were walking down the street.....

One of the ladies had a stroke......

the other couldn't reach.

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/A-Curious-Frog
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2019
🚨︎ report
My kids asked whether you smell burnt toast or burnt popcorn when you're having a stroke

I told them, "It's Different Strokes for Different Folks."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dadraik
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2019
🚨︎ report
My dad’s name is Dick, a few years ago he had a stroke.

He goes around telling people he’s a self stroking Dick. True story.

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hosenhoffen
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2019
🚨︎ report
Do you know how the artist died while painting?

They had a stroke.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Josef5050
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2019
🚨︎ report
I just saved someone from having a stroke!

I live on the edge of a golf course, and someone’s golf ball landed in our yard, so I grabbed it, ran over to the fairway before they got there and tossed it on. I saved them a penalty stroke!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Alpine4
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2019
🚨︎ report
My dad had a stroke today and made a joke in the hostpital.

So today my dad had a stroke and while we were waiting for doctors to come back he grabbed all the cords to the ekg cords connected to him and said, "I feel like I'm behind the TV!"

My dad always makes jokes in time of panic and pain. I guess that's where I get it from.

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MisterScrewUp
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2018
🚨︎ report
Told my Dad that I liked his hair cut...

He replies with β€œThanks, I got them all cut.” As he’s stroking his fingers through his hair.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bdubs52
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2019
🚨︎ report
My kids won’t let me play mini-golf with them anymore

After my first stroke it all went downhill

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dsgorman
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2019
🚨︎ report
My grandpa was an amazing painter

He had a great stroke

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sharkdetective
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2018
🚨︎ report
You shouldn't go to the pool during the summer

You might have a stroke

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Voltsaber
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2019
🚨︎ report
There was once a priest who went to see the world after taking his oath....

After many years of wandering, he finally arrived in a small village in the middle of nowhere. The people there believed in the same religion as he did, but they had no church; they had to go to the nearest one which was in a small town 25 km's from there. The priest took the initiative, asked the Church for support, and with the help of the local men they built their own temple. From there on, he was celebrating the Sunday masses, joining together men and women in Holy Matrimony, and saying prayers at the funerals.

Many years passed by like that.

At the end of an ordinary mass, in early spring, on a chilly Sunday morning he was just guiding the people out of the church, was about to close the gates when an unknown man stepped into the churchyard.

With his dirty and torn clothes, he stood before the priest and said:

  • Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was a good man, and even though he thought the request was a bit strange, he went back to the rectory, took out a lemon, cut it in half, took it back to the man and gave it to him, who looked back to the priest with gratitude. However, the priest was curious. He asked:

  • Son, why do you need this half of a lemon? - with a fright on his face, and before the priest could have said a thing, he rushed out of the churchyard gate and took off.

A week later, around the same time, when the priest was leaving the church, he found himself in front of the same man in the churchyard. The man said:

  • Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was surprised by the appearance of the man and his strange request. Of course he was good, went back to the rectory, and brought the half lemon. Placed it in the stranger’s hand and immediately he asked:

  • Here it is, my dear son, but please tell me why do you need this half a lemon? - the man was obviously frightened and immediately ran away but the priest was not sluggish either and ran after him. He wasn’t in a very good condition, he has never run so much and so fast before so he was out of breath by the end of the village, almost fainted. He thought the strange man might appear again next week, and it would be nice if he could keep up with him, so he spent his week working on his cardio. It turned out to be a good idea, because as he thought, the stranger entered the churchyard on Sunday. The priest didn’t even wait for the request, he was good, and brought the half lemon. He received these words from the man:

  • Thank you

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 64
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Doty152
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2018
🚨︎ report
What kind of athlete makes the best kind of neurologist?

Swimmers, because they have to learn all about strokes.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LunOverdose
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a good swimming pun?

A stroke of genius

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/buffWarlocks
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call an old man with a sudden speech impediment?

An Ambulance. Difficulty speaking is a common sign of a stroke.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2019
🚨︎ report
There was a suspicious β€˜accident’ at a construction site. The police investigated all the workers at the job site . . .

It looked like foul play. The mason wasn’t a suspect. He had a concrete alibi. The night of the accident he said he was with his girlfriend. She confirmed this. There was a wall of evidence. Consequently his alibi was rock solid and not just a facade. There was damning evidence that it was the plumber. They figured his alibi, that he was at the casino, wouldn’t hold water. But cameras showed fluid betting all night. This, obviously, threw a wrench in the investigation. The investigators followed a lead to the electrician. He had a shocking secret. It seems the electrician had been charged with battery only months earlier. But it was a dead end. They looked at the HVAC installer, but his alibi was airtight. Next, they tried to nail the Roofer, as he had been spouting off about the victim the day of the accident. But the roofer had been hammered all day. There was no way they could paint him as the cunning mastermind.

Then they saw the writing on the wall: the painter had both motive and opportunity. He was seen canvassing the accident site a few strokes before midnight when the accident occurred. The victim fell off a faulty ladder that was covered in finger paint. It seems the victim and the painter had a few brush-ins before. And it wasn’t a pretty picture. The painter was indicted, but despite all the evidence, the charges didn’t stick and the jury let him roll off clean.

πŸ‘︎ 148
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dirty_Entendre
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2018
🚨︎ report
A man was masturbating, when the blood was suddenly cut off to his brain...

...he was having a stroke

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Luko_the_meme
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Two nuns are sat on a train, when a man gets on and pulls his trousers down.

One nun had a stroke, but the other couldn't reach.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Purtassium
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2019
🚨︎ report
A man hit a rabbit with his car, while driving past a church in an unfamiliar town, one easter morning...

Stopping his car he got out to check if it was okay.

In a stroke of good fortune the rabbit was still alive, just.

The man went into the church to see if there was anyone who could help him.

A kindly Priest saw the man and offered to help. He asked the Mab to wait a moment while he got something that might help...

... After a few moments the Priest returned with a small flask and poured the contents on the rabbit. Which hopped up right as rain!

The rabbit waved to the man, and crossed the road.

After crossing the road the rabbit turned around an waved again. After a few hops the rabbit turned around and waved again. This continued until the man could no longer see the rabbit. A few hops, turn and wave.

When the man turned back to the kindly Priest and asked him, "What was in that bottle anyway, Holy water?"

The Priest replied, "oh nothing like that. It was haer restore, with a permanent wave."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GerFubDhuw
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2019
🚨︎ report
The stars are bright

My dad is a Navy Vietnam vet who is about to be a retired GM electrical engineer. He is retiring against his will because he has had three strokes, colon cancer, a pulmonary embolism, necrotic esophagus, renal failure, pneumonia, basically a medical shitstorm and he survived it all. In the process, he has lost a lot of memory and quite a bit of his cognitive abilities and furthermore, his balance. However, when I took out the trash tonight at nearly half past ten, I couldn't help but notice how beautiful the stars looked outside tonight. So upon returning, I told my mom and dad "The stars sure are bright tonight. They look amazing." To which my dad then asked, "You know why they're so bright, right?" Now I'm an amateur astronomer. Hell, my first and only telescope was inherited to me by my mother who got it from her father. So knowing its winter and I live in Michigan, I tell my father, "Because its so cold and dry, the star light isn't blocked as much?" His reply; "No. Its because the sun went down. So now its darker outside." Dad: 1. Me: -5.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hyperbattleship
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2015
🚨︎ report
Two guys were stranded in a desert.

The first guy was named Jim and the second guy was named Joe. They were starving, and dying of thirst. They kept walking in one direction hoping that they would get out of the desert before they died. They had been lost a long time, and it wasn't looking good.

Then, in a stroke of good luck, they found an oasis. In the oasis there was plenty of water and trees growing. On the trees, was every kind of bacon imaginable. Crispy bacon, soft bacon, even Canadian bacon (even though it doesn't really count). Joe says, "I'm going to go eat some bacon."

So Joe goes and gets some bacon out of a low tree.

Just as he takes his first bite, a gremlin jumps out of the foliage, and stabs him in the back with a knife.

Joe is laying on the ground dying, and his friend Jim comes up to him. Joe says in a warning, "Jim run away. It's not safe here!"

"Why not?" Jim asked.

"This oasis isn't what it seems! It isn't a bacon tree, IT'S A HAM-BUSH!!!"

And he died.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Xnightshade2
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2017
🚨︎ report
my wife's long con

Not exactly a dadjoke, but she learned from the best.

So, it was last sunday and we did a family trip to the zoo with the whole family. Now our kids are 3 1/2 and 1/2 and we named them after strong animals, think "Leoni" (the Lioness) and "Falc" (the Falcon), not exactly those names, but you get the gist. We decided about our daughter's name about 4 years ago.

While we were standing at the entrance queue, my wife gently stroked our daughter's hair, lifted up our son, placing a kiss on his forehead, looked at me smiling and said:

"I have been waiting for this so long!"

"Uhm, to stand in line at the zoo?"

"No, honey, to .... take our zoo to the zoo!"

*groan*

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Horst665
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2018
🚨︎ report
How do you stay alive in a "dead pool"

You use the "death stroke"

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theparadox69
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2018
🚨︎ report
What is the number one cause of paintbrush death?

Strokes.

πŸ‘︎ 82
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DoubleDgit
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2015
🚨︎ report
What is it called when Einstein, Carl Sagan, and Stephen Hawking masturbate?

A stroke of genius.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cananbaum
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2017
🚨︎ report
Mum asked Dad to put the kettle on.

Of course he puts it on his head and asks how he looks. We all chuckle in a pained kind of way and Mum says "Can you turn the kettle on, dear?"

And that is when he starts chatting to the kettle, stroking it sensually. sigh.

πŸ‘︎ 258
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πŸ‘€︎ u/onrv
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2016
🚨︎ report
A Dad Joke for Neurologists

An obligatory comment about this being my first post

My son showed me his watch. The time on the watch was changing sporadically: 5:24, 12:01, 8:39, 1:44, etc. He said, "Look! My watch is having a stroke!" My response, "I don't know about a stroke, I'd say it's more likely a short in its Trisynaptic Circuit."

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Excellery
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2018
🚨︎ report
A rhinoceros wakes to find itself in a room with no doors or windows.

All four walls of the room are made of hollow cinder block, but three of the four walls are reinforced with rebar and cement filling rendering them unbreakable.

Utterly confused, the rhinoceros studies the room for a moment and then tries ramming into the first wall to get itself free, but is stunned to find that it won't budge because it is reinforced and completely solid.

The rhinoceros shakes it off and tries ramming the second wall to knock it down, but only managed to break off a few small crumbs because it, too, is reinforced.

In a total daze, the rhinoceros tries ramming the third wall, but then falls over unconscious from trying to ram yet another reinforced wall.

After a few minutes, the rhinoceros regains consciousness and slowly pulls to its feet. Both exhausted and completely unable to withstand ramming another reinforced wall, the poor rhinoceros sinks its head in failure and has all but given up hope.

...but then, with a sudden stroke of genius, the rhinoceros stands on it's hind legs, clears its throat, and asks you, the reader,

"Should I try breaking the fourth wall?"

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shigglesmcwhigley
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2016
🚨︎ report
Masturbation is the best way to get your creative juices flowing.

That's why they call it a "stroke of genius" when you finally come up with something

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BuddyEndsleigh
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2016
🚨︎ report
My Cat hasn't been well lately

... She's recovering from a massive Stroke.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2020
🚨︎ report
How did Albert Einstein die?

He had a stroke of genius.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dexy133
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2018
🚨︎ report
Albert Einstein lies on his deathbed.

He had a stroke of genius.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Caldroson
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2018
🚨︎ report

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