A bunch of mathematicians came up with a model for predicting if people would start dancing when they became intoxicated

They named it the Alcorythm

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πŸ‘€︎ u/XaVierDK
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2021
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What do you get when people start queuing up for a fruity alcoholic drink?

A punchline.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ralloti
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2021
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I was going to start a subreddit for people to post pictures of their favorite movers of air...

But OnlyFans was already taken.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
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I like to keep a photo of the Sun on my phone. When people ask me if I have any kids, I start telling 'em about my son and how bright he is. I then pull out the phone to show them the photo.
πŸ‘︎ 220
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TimothyHalpern
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2018
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I'm going to start a country for people who are into peeing on/getting peed on other people.

I'll call it the urine nation

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πŸ“…︎ May 03 2019
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I'm gonna start a dating site for people with serious mommy and daddy issues.

I'll call it Oedipal Arrangements.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ianmann290
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2019
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I'm going to start a movement that convinces people that vacuum cleaners cause autism in children.

It will be called the Anti-vacs Movement

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BinaryPeach
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2019
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A recent study shows that 5 out of 26 peoples names start with vowels...

.... Oh sorry, sometimes 6.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fluxmax666
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2018
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I want to start a dating website for retarded people called specialsomeone.com.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MollysYes
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2014
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There's a class I plan on taking this perfect for me. It's for people who used to write and want to start again

It's called Resume Writing

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πŸ‘€︎ u/imeanthisguy
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2018
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Im starting a flight company exclusively for bald people, I'll call it...

Receding airlines

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2021
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I started reading the dictionary from A to Z. People said its stupid and a waste of time.

I'm past caring.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/snowboardrob
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2021
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I have started carrying a piece of stone with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.

It’s my jingle bell rock.

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
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I’m starting a charity to teach short people maths...

It’s called, β€œMaking the Little Things Count”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/USEROUS05
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2021
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I'm starting a service helping people break up with their significant others over dinner

I'm calling it FedEx

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RN_Rhino
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2021
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I've started playing chess in the park to help me meet new people, I've now got a new Polish mate

I also got a Czech mate

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BanterSauce69
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2021
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I'm starting a death metal band for people with Celiac's Disease

We're called "Gluten for Punishment."

Our first single is "Bread or Alive."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/scrranger11
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
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I'm thinking of starting a new website, exclusively so people can subscribe to Ninja Sex Party cover bands.

It's called OnlyDans.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PhoShizzity
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
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The Greatest Fighter In The World

So there was a man who considered himself the greatest fighter in the world. Every time he got in a fight growing up, he'd win, and it would never even be close. Eventually he ran out of people in town to fight, and he decided that he'd travel the world, looking for all the best fighters, and beat them in combat.

He travels to Japan, China, India, Russia, France, Ireland, going all about the world, fighting everyone who thinks they're the best fighters in the world- and beats them easily. There's no real sense of competition, he just defeats every challenger in humiliating fashion.

But travelling the world looking for the best fighters takes a lot of time, and there's always another person thinking that they're the best fighter in the world, so he issues a challenge to anyone in the world who thinks that they're the best fighter to come to his house and fight.

The day arrives, and HUNDREDS of people have shown up. All of the best practitioners of all the world's martial arts have shown up. There's a group of judoka from Japan, Israeli Krav Maga artists stretching out on one side of the room, the Muay Thai artists are doing light striking to warm up- everyone seems represented here. The guy who started all this says "OK, there are a lot of you here, and the only way we'll be able to finish this today is if we group you all up by discipline, you all form a line, and I'll beat each of you in turn."

So he starts with the wrestlers, who line up one at a time. One at a time they come at him, and none of them last longer than a minute before having their shoulders pinned to the ground. Not only do they all get beaten, but it seems like this guy is actually winning his fights faster as the day goes on! Some of the fighters from the other disciplines watch this display, and they start leaving.

The guy looks at his watch, and realizes that three hours have gone by in fighting the wrestlers. So he gestures to the Muay Thai artists and says "I'll now fight you, but I'll fight you four at a time!" The Muay Thai fighters figure they can knock this guy out quickly, then settle the honor of who the best fighter is amongst themselves, so they line up four by four, rush in, and in a flurry of elbows and knees, they all end up knocked out on the ground. Four by four the Muay Thai fighters rush in, only for this guy to remain standing after all of them. This is intimidating to the other fighters who are watching, and more people start heading home.

H

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SweetHatDisc
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2022
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I’m starting a support group for people whose pun’s aren’t appreciated.

It’ll be called eh? eh?

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pointyhead19
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2019
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I was watching an Australian cooking show and people started cheering when the chef made a meringue.

I was shocked, Australians usually boo meringue.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2020
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What did people say when a bumblebee started firing a projectile weapon?

It has bee-gun.

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2020
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Did you hear about the freak accident where the escalator at a shop started moving really fast and threw people off...

Let me tell you it really escalated quickly.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TTiger901
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2019
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I'm starting a club for dyslexic people

Dyslexics untie!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/michaelveyrocks
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2019
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Some people think the Pittsburgh Steelers have a good starting QB in "Duck" Hodges

But the truth is, he puts the Steelers at risk of getting penalties all game long...

...Because on every play...

There's fowl on the field.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dave89701
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2019
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The whole Christmas tree trend started because people thought it would spruce things up a bit.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ocbrad
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2018
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Three friars open a flower shop… what could go wrong?

Three friars were banished from their monastery for various rule violations, so they decided to start a business together. They traveled around until they found a town that they liked, and opened up a plant shop. Their floral business was soon thriving.

One day, a woman was shopping at the friar’s store, and while she was strolling down an aisle with her toddler, a large plant reached out, grabbed the child, and ate it. Needless to say, the women was quite upset at the loss of her child. However, the friars refused to believe that one of their plants could have done such a thing.

The woman told all of her friends about the incident, and soon everyone in the town was in an uproar. They decided to kick the friars out of town. Every person in the town, except for a man named Hugh, gathered outside of the friars shop, shouting, waving sticks, and demanding that they leave. But the friars said β€œNo. We’re not leaving.” So the townspeople gave up and went home.

Well, a couple weeks later, another woman was walking through the friar’s shop, looking at plants with her baby, when a plant grabbed her child and ate it. She ran through the streets screaming that a plant had swallowed her baby. The townspeople were outraged, and again gathered outside the floral shop (except for Hugh), waving torches, and demanding that the friars leave town at once.

But the friars said, β€œNo way.” and all the people gave up and went home.

A few days later, yet another woman dared to take her child into the floral shop. She held her infant tightly in her arms, but it was no use. A large ficus wrestled the child from her arms, and ate it.

When the townspeople heard of this, they were extremely upset. They again gathered outside the friar’s store (except for Hugh), yelling and threatening bodily harm to the friars if they didn’t leave town. But the friars said, β€œWe’re staying”. So, the citizens gave up and began to go home. Just then, Hugh showed up. He walked up to the friars, and said, β€œGet out of town, now!” The friars immediately packed up all their belongings and fled that very day, never to be heard from again.

The moral of this story is: Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Smokey_Bear

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mr_funnypuns
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2022
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What happens to people who get arrested for starting a food fight?

They get tried in the food court

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The-Real-Mario
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
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To commemorate the opening of the Channel Tunnel, two boats were raced from France and England respectively.

Tunnel boring is kind of ... well, boring ... so the Eurotunnel publicity people thought it would be neat to show something on the surface when the tunnel opened. Because of the way the dual channel 'Chunnel' was excavated, with the tunnels meeting each other half-way, it was decided that two twin-hull ships should cross each other over the channel waters (one starting from Dover called "One Two Three - Go!" and once starting from Calais called "Un Duex Trois - Alles!").

The idea was for them to pass each other and set off confetti and so on for publicity reasons. Unfortunately the weather on the channel was so inclement to the catamarans that the Un Deux Trois cat' sank.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ramiel01
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2022
🚨︎ report
What's the difference between beer and weed?

Five drunk people will start a fight whereas five stoned people will start a band

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πŸ‘€︎ u/StevenBeercockArt
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2021
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Few people know that Thomas Edison and Nikola Tesla put aside their differences and started a rock band together.

It was called AC/DC.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Torley_
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2018
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I made spaghetti for dinner tonight.

My eight-year-old asked why she could taste meatballs, even though she couldn't see any meatballs.

Me: It's the meat sauce. It's kinda like meatballs that haven't been put together.

8yo: Oh I see them now. More like meat smalls!

Her mom and I both laughed out loud and then she started crying because she doesn't like people laughing at her :(

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Echo_Oscar_Sierra
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2021
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What is the only pregnancy symptoms for males?

They start telling dad jokes

^(PS: This is based on a true story, I'm expecting my first baby soon.)

^(Edit: There are commenters who got downvoted for saying "Congrats" , wtf happening with people?)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NourEddineX0
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2021
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All the dad jokes that have made me laugh/breath out my nose since I had my firstborn at the start of 2021

Some of these are border-line uncle jokes. I'm also an uncle. I keep all these jokes in my dadabase. Aka Google notes.

Some of these I got off of podcasts, the dad joke API, some from movies, but most are from this sub. Let me know if you want a source for a joke or if one of them was yours I'll give credit.

It's ok to be Frank with people. Or josh with them. But try not to Rob or Sue them.

What has 4 wheels and flies? A garbage truck

If the USA is so great then why did they make USB?

Tesla founder Elon Musk is originally from South Africa. Which is strange.
You think he'd be from mad-at-gas-car

How did Jesus keep his abs? Crossfit

What does a Jewish cowboy celebrate Yee-Hanukka

What did the stamp say to the letter Stick with me and you'll go places

I gave my wife a glue stick instead of lipstick She's still not talking to me

Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.

What word starts with E and ends with E, but only has one letter in it. Envelope βœ‰

Why do people on Athens hate getting up early Because dawn is tough on Grease

What do you call a pile of cats? A meowtain A purramid

Why do fish like salt water? Pepper makes them sneeze

If april showers bring may flowers What do may flowers bring? PILGRIMS

Why do cemeteries have fences Because people are dying to get in

Did you know Bruce Lee had a Faster older brother? Sudden lee

Did you know he also had a Vegan brother? Broco lee

Pig black belt in karate Pork chop

How do you put an odd number of sugar cubes in 3 cups of coffee If you have 20 sugar cubes? You have to use all the cubes.

You put 1 in the first cup, one in the second cup, and 18 in the last cup. Because 18 is an odd number of sugar cubes to put on a cup of coffee.

I was going to tell your a joke about Yoga But it's Not working out

What do you do if your wife starts smoking Use some lubricant

did you hear about the woman with 12 breasts? Sounds weird, dozen tit?

What did baby corn say to momma corn ( I got a boy scout selling popcorn to eyeroll me on this one) Where's popcorn

What type of pasta do they serve at a haunted house? Fettuccine Afradio

What do you call a werewolf streamer? Liken subscribe

Why don't Elton John songs have a copyright? You can tell everybody this is your song.

My mom swears up and down cows arent real I was in udder disbelief

Skeleton goes into a bar, he orders a beer and a mop

Why does it take a pirate so long to learn the alphabet Because th

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/krowvin
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2021
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My dad's starting a new dating service for people who live in Eastern Virginia

He's going to call it Chesapeake BAE

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gopperman
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2015
🚨︎ report
A teenager drives up to his crush's house the day before school prom and asks if she would like to dance with him.

She excitedly says yes, and the boy spends the entirety of the next day preparing for the big day.

The first thing he does to make it extra fancy is to rent a limousine for a day (yes, he is rich), but when he arrives at the rental center, he notices that many other people had the same idea. There was an enormous line that stretched out the building. Nevertheless, this boy was determined to make this night a special night, and waited for hours. Luckily, he succeeded in the end, and rented a shiny black limo. He was starting to get really excited.

After that, he goes to the tailor to pick up a brand new suit and tie to look as sharp as possible. But once again, the line for that wrapped around the block and forced the boy to wait another long hour. He sighed, but still waited in line, as he was quite persistent and knew it would be well worth it in the end. In the end, though, he got a perfect suit that fit him well. No wrinkles, no nothing; it was just pure handsomeness.

Then, the moment came. In his limousine, he once again drove up to his crush's house, well-dressed in the brand new suit he just bought. She came out looking stunning as well in an aqua dress that sparkled in the evening sunlight. Excited as ever, she leaped into the fancy limo and rode to prom with him, ready for the big night.

When they arrived, however, there was yet another long line into the ballroom, as many people needed to be accepted. It was quite a busy night. After half an hour of waiting, the couple finally made it through and began dancing. It was all going really well, and everyone was having quite a grand time.

A few hours later, they became thirsty and went to get a drink. Both him and his girlfriend were in the mood for fruit punch, but nobody else seemed to want it. When they entered the snack bar, they noticed more long lines of people wanting to get other snacks and drinks, but surprisingly... there was no punchline.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PiGuy88
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2021
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I like to keep a photo of the Sun on my phone. When people ask me if I have any kids, I start telling 'em about my son and how bright he is. I then pull out the phone to show them the photo. "He's my star," I conclude with a smile.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NerdyRomantic
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2015
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I am starting a flight company exclusively for bald people.

I shall call it receding airlines

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πŸ‘€︎ u/No_Giraffe401
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2021
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I'm starting a flight company exclusively for bald people

Receding Airlines!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Stoatwobbler
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2021
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I am starting a charity to teach short people maths.

It’s called making the little things count.

πŸ‘︎ 61
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hana-Chi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2019
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I'm starting a charity to teach short people maths.

It's all about making the little things count.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/n00bzit
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2019
🚨︎ report

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