My co workers canβt stand working with me at the sperm bank because every time a new customer walks in I canβt help but say
π︎ 2k
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︎ Dec 06 2021
I told my son to hand over his phone and play with his toy bricks.
But he didn't want to Lego
π︎ 25
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︎ Nov 28 2021
I saw a sign at a roadside stand that read, ''Lobster Tails Β£1.5" so I stopped the car, walked over and handed my money to the proprietor. He looked me in the eyes, took a deep breath and said...
"Once upon a time there was this
lobster..."
π︎ 14
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︎ Sep 09 2019
My son and I were standing outside in the rain when he asked
βDad, whatβs lightning?β
Then it struck him
π︎ 12
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︎ Aug 17 2021
My father walked in today while I was practicing standing on my hands.
π︎ 8
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︎ Sep 14 2021
I used to make a decent living as a potato farmer, but after my brother said how much money he was making with chickens I invested heavily in them myself last year. But they all died.
Only thing I can figure is that I either planted them too deep or too far apart.
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︎ Dec 12 2021
I went in for my yearly physical. The nurse hands me a cup. I ask "what do I do with this?" She says "urinate"
I replied
"1. I'm a 7 on a good day.
2. You know I'm married and that's inappropriate.
3. What is this cup for?"
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︎ Oct 22 2021
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,
βYou know, one would have been enough.β
π︎ 1k
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︎ Dec 13 2021
Just got attacked by a seagull while standing outside on a boat
It was an unsolicited deck peck.
π︎ 25
π
︎ Sep 10 2021
So when I get married and my wife is in the hospital and gets the baby handed to her with a blanket
Iβm going to ask the nurse if that blanket is womb temperature
π︎ 6
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︎ Oct 24 2021
I was in italy for vacation with my family, my son was about to go outside when I stopped him.
I asked where he was going, He said he wanted to rome around.
π︎ 4
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︎ Oct 15 2021
I was standing in front of the bedroom mirror looking myself over, rather unhappy with what I saw. I told my wife "I feel horrible. I look fat. I'm ugly. When did my hair start retreating like this? When did this stretch mark show up? I could use a compliment honey, my self esteem is in the dumps."
She looked at me and replied "your eyesight is damn near perfect."
π︎ 13
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︎ May 12 2021
I was walking with a laptop in my hand, suddenly it started to rain...
It was a RainSomewhere attack.
π︎ 13
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︎ Sep 06 2021
I asked my son to go get me a phone book. He laughed, called me a dinosaur, and handed me his iPhone.
The spider is dead, the iPhone screen is cracked, and my son is furious!
π︎ 15k
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︎ Jul 04 2020
Does anyone know why Chick-Fil-A always has their employees standing outside?
Because they are outstanding.
π︎ 7
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︎ Jul 15 2021
This year, my friend decided to play his string instrument with a neck and a deep round back enclosing a hollow cavity, with a sound hole in the body at the voting booths...
He was arrested for ear poll-lute-tion.
π︎ 4
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︎ Jan 24 2021
My neighbor just knocked on my door with her dinner in her hands
With Facebook and Instagram down, she wanted me to see what she was having for dinner
π︎ 43
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︎ Oct 04 2021
Can I get a hand with this?
π︎ 276
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︎ Dec 12 2021
I am giving my son a broken drum for Christmas. I think it'll be the best gift ever.
π︎ 69
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︎ Dec 02 2021
I lost my watch at a party. I found it but some guy was standing on it and arguing with his girlfriend. Next thing you know he punches her so I knocked him out.
Nobody hits a girl.....not on my watch.
π︎ 41
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︎ Jul 12 2021
I saw my friend standing outside in the rain, smoking a joint.
I said, βThis is fine. As long as you donβt in hail.β
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jul 06 2019
A Chinese stand up comedian was half way his set when all the lights went out. He told the crowd to put all their hands in the air and wave. As by a miracle the lights came back on. ...
...'' You see? Many hands make light work.''
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jun 23 2021
I asked a phone store worker if I could park my car in the store
He said "Sorry, strictly Nokias in store."
π︎ 3
π
︎ Dec 05 2021
Puppies were standing in a line near my house...
π︎ 13
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︎ Sep 02 2021
I was standing outside in my driveway last night and the newspaper delivery guy drove by and threw a newspaper in my driveway...
I said "Hey pal, I got news for you, too!".
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jun 06 2019
My mom needed help standing up after cleaning the bathroom, so she asked my dad for a hand.
He started clapping.
(Obligatory: actually happened today, my mom messaged me to complain about his bad joke. I thought it was fucking hilarious.)
π︎ 16
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︎ Aug 05 2020
Today I was wearing a shirt with the family crest of my favorite painter Frida Kahlo. After a few hours I started to get hungry and ordered takeout. When my delivery person arrived he handed over my food without taking any money for bringing it to me. I asked him βHow come thereβs no charge?β
He replied: I was going to charge you, but I noticed you had Frida Liveryβ
π︎ 8
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︎ Mar 13 2020
True story: I was a kid, watching TV in our living room. My dad was outside using the grill. All of a sudden he bursts in the door hopping on one foot yelling βI stepped on a Bee!β
I was so concerned I jumped up and ran over to him...
Earlier that day my friend and I who were really into mountain biking had been using really sticky letters to put our names on our bikes. We were working near the general area of the BBQ.
Apparently I had dropped one...
Stuck to the bottom of my dads foot was the letter B....
A legendary dad joke from a legendary dad.
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Mar 07 2021
At the town festival today, thereβs a booth where you can pay a dollar for a guy to sock you in the face.
.
Must not be very popular, because thereβs no punch line.
π︎ 4
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︎ Sep 04 2021
what do you call an Amish with his hand in a horse's mouth?
π︎ 26
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︎ Sep 23 2021
I'm standing in the parking lot, trying to remember where I parked my car.
π︎ 9
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︎ Oct 12 2021
Hello, Iβm looking for some help. My best good pal from high school is a tarantula dad. I made him this spiderweb glass piece for his birthday. Iβm looking to put a solid pun in a card but havenβt come up with anything great. Does anyone have some good ideas? Any help is appreciated
π︎ 20
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︎ Dec 05 2021
There was a man fixing a sewer hatch outside my building today, I walked past expecting a catcall or wolf whistle and to my surprise he politely wished me a good day.
Must have been a civil engineer.
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Sep 26 2021
My friend was released from prison on parole and as community service, he had to paint the local Catholic church confession booths a shade of green...
It was a tone mint for his crimes.
π︎ 28
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︎ Aug 19 2021
I was looking at the newspaper earlier today and saw an ad for a radio with a broken volume control
I thought to myself...I certainly couldn't turn that down!
π︎ 10
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︎ Nov 21 2021
A dad joke from my four year old this morning as her mom and I realized out loud it is our football day βDaddy is it warm outside now?β
π︎ 6
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︎ Dec 12 2021
I need someone to repair the stone wall in the front of my house, but I donβt have a lot of money.
Incidentally, Free Masons are not what they sound like.
π︎ 1k
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︎ Jun 11 2021
A guy keeps calling me up and singing "prince charming" and "stand and deliver" down the phone to me. I keep telling him to stop calling...
π︎ 6
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︎ Jul 02 2021
What do you call a British TV show about killing people in a game where they participate to earn money?
π︎ 16
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︎ Dec 15 2021
I can't recycle a broken window with regular glass bottles in my town.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Feb 20 2021
Why do people in N/A stand in circles and hold hands???
Because they dont do Lines anymore.
π︎ 4
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︎ Mar 14 2021
Im a millionaire and my church collects money on Sunday's from members. Now I'm sitting on the far left and place my bag to my right. Now the usher comes up to me with the money bag. What did I tell them?
"Sorry, but I don't have any money left."
π︎ 3
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︎ Oct 02 2021
What do you call a woman with a bottle opener in one hand, a knife in the other hand, a pair of scissors under her arm and a corkscrew behind her ear?
π︎ 43
π
︎ Sep 06 2021
A string walks into a bar. The bartender says "we don't serve strings here." The string waks outside, ties himself in a knot, messes up his hair, and walks back into the bar. The bartender says "hey, aren't you the string I just kicked out?" The string replies...
π︎ 510
π
︎ Sep 29 2021
As i handed my dad his 50th birtday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said
"You know, one would have been enough"
π︎ 7k
π
︎ Nov 14 2021
As I handed my wife her 50th birthday card she looked at me with tears in her eyes and saidβ¦
βYou know, one would have been enough.β
π︎ 413
π
︎ Aug 18 2021
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