It's his wife's porpoise, after all.
A cheetah
After all, good communication is the key.
Is that grounds for divorce?
4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better, and 4 worse! And here I thought that one headache a lifetime is enough! 😲
One writes Dear John letters, the other writes John Deere letters.
The bank gave her the boot
Wait till they're making a salad and tell them they're a great dresser.
Because the ghosts bring all the boos!
A Wifi Extender
.....must have been parrotnormal activity.
An ex-terminator
The bartender says "for you, no charge"
For all my nerds out there
Glass.
Petcheck. Duh.
My 9yo hit me with this today and I'm couldn't be more proud! Lmao
Sails went through the roof
In the bathroom, because then European, and in the hallway on the way to the bathroom because then you're Russian
Those little bastards aren't getting in this time.
Nobel prize.
Take the third right.
My neighbour is dead against it.
What a vicious cycle.
That's why they build lighthouses there.
For some reason he's delighted
Eventually we realized that we were maid for each other.
eggs-it.
I guess that's inflation for you.
Fettuccini Afraido
They caught the crooks and nannies that were emptying our nooks and crannies
but he was mean and showed up at 5.
But Sadly, we drifted apart.
It gets mugged every single morning.
A lighthouse.
They snuck from their beds in the middle of the night and met in the gloomy darkness in front of the house, shivering in the cold.
The first boy said in a loud whisper, "You guys bring anything?" He slid a gun out of his pocket. The second boy nodded and revealed a knife. The third boy pulled out a flashlight.
"You didn't bring a weapon?" the first boy asked. He shrugged and replied, "Sorry". And as if to prove it, he turned his pockets out to show nothing but stray lint and a pack of cough drops.
They crept in. The door shut behind them. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. The flash light clicked on. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.
Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.
As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door on the other side, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a dead body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.
They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They found a fully set, ornate dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal goblets, pitchers and silverware adorned the table. Spiders crept over ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.
Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?
They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.
"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".
They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.
But the third said confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.
The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hel
... keep reading on reddit ➡They're Maid
The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park...and couldn't find his way home. " Oy Morris ", said grandma, " You've been going to that park for over 30 years ! So how could you get lost ? "
Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear. Morris whispered, " I wasn't lost.....I was just too tired to walk home."
Focusing on the nicely lit up deer decorations on their lawn, I asked my kids, “How much do you think those deer weigh?” From the back seat: “I don’t know” and “Who cares?” and “What are you talking about?” Me: “I’m just saying, they look pretty light.”
I mean, he only had one Job.
What gets me is that they will never see a penny of it.
Welcome to M'crib.
That means every falcon alive now is a millennial falcon.
I suspect it will be there December 18th as well. I think it's a werehouse.
I called it a porch and it was none too pleased.
