Does anyone know if doctors could take some of my butt flesh and graft it onto someone who isn't a relative?
My dad (67) just sent this to me. It's literally a dad joke. Some of us might not get it though I'm sure.
What does the Pink Panther say when he knocked over an ant hill?
Dead ant... dead ant... dead ant dead ant dead ant... dead ant dead ant....
Know what it means when the mods remove some of your posts?
That they've taken a fence!
So the other day I ordered some Kung Pao chicken, but I think it came with a side of pasta instead of rice
It's like I'm some sort of Khartoum character.
Dad: If there is some of it, then it's good. If it is ful of it, it's bad. What's the thing?
Me in my new underwear: I don't know....
Dad: Awe.
I showed a picture of a sheep giving birth to some kids and asked if they knew what animal it was.
We ordered some mail-order chickens a few months ago. Today, one of my housemates said it's looking like one of them is turning out to be a rooster.
I'm like, "Well see, we shoulda gotten female-order chickens instead, that's our problem right there. We're lucky the rest didn't turn out to be roosters too!"
This was an honest-to-god real conversation I just had with my housemate earlier tonight. :)
I was proud of it but none of my friends really appreciated it, so maybe it’ll find some love here.
We’ve just had a decorator in to do some work. I got chatting to him, and it turns out he is a pilot on furlough, earning a bit of cash.
He did a lovely job of the landing.
My wife said last night "You treat our marriage like it's some sort of game"
Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance
Some jerk pointed at the butt of an exceptionally furry donkey and asked me what it was.
I said "That's a hairy ass ass ass, ass!"
I've just got some new glasses, and when I first put them on, I could see tiny little people with wings at the end of the garden. I rang my optician to report the problem, but he said it was completely normal with these glasses...
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Whenever I have a pessimistic thought, I put some money in it.
it's currently half empty
After going back to college to get yet another degree, some of my friends made fun of me for it.
They were some real 3rd degree burns.
My friend told me if I want to get out of doing the dishes, try dropping some of them. I tried it, it didn't work.
But then during babysitting.
Every time I enter a room, I write down my name on a piece of paper and stick it behind some furniture.
That’s my signature move.
This just happened: I explained to my 11 year-old niece that wheat pennies are/were a thing. She didn’t believe me, so she looked it up on grandma’s phone. To our surprise, we learned that there are some people selling wheat pennies online for *thousands* to *TENS* *of* *thousands* of dollars.
To which I said, “That doesn’t make cents.”
I recently misplaced some of my game pieces for Yahtzee, and honestly it’s been hell, so I decided to make some posters to put up around the apartment complex:
Dungeons and Dragons looks like a lot of fun. I'd love to try it some day.
I guess I consider myself die-curious
I ate waffle today at breakfast, and for some reason it gave me terrible gas from the back of my throat
It was a belchin' waffle (Belgian)
Some filmmakers were secretly trying to murder the lead actor in a low-budget flick, but he got wind of the plot and managed to escape. They took the existing footage and shopped it to different producers, but it was roundly rejected by everyone for the same reason.
LPT: If you have trouble remembering your password, find a picture of some running shoes and stare at it.
maybe it'll help jog your memory.
Ordered some bass in a restaurant, but I had to return it because the fish they gave me was full of diarrhea
A pod of porpoises moved into the harbor near my town. So, me and my friends decided to go camping on the beach to check it out. We brought beer for us and some raw fish to feed the pod. Everybody had a great time. You could say it was a party
for all in tents and porpoises.
My dog got a woof of some coke, it was a ruff day.
Walmart is opening dental offices in some of its stores.
There will be an express lane for people with less than 12 teeth.
My girlfriend was eating some cheese and salami on crackers. She accidentally cut off a very large piece of the Salami. I told her it was a muenster. She just stared at me flatly so I apologized.
I told her I was sorry for such a cheesy joke.
My family was talking about my sisters project where she had to make a Roman theatre. In it she put some guys stabbing each other, as a demonstration of how plays sometimes consisted of people actually killing each other to make it more realistic.
I mentioned that they used slaves and criminals, since they would have a hard time getting actors to play the part of someone that actually dies, and my dad disagreed.
He said: No, people were dying to have that job.
Sorry if something like this has already been posted.
Today my mom turns 53, and it's tradition that my dad fills the kitchen with posters before she wakes up, wishing her a happy birthday. This year's were some of his worst (best) work.
I tried to buy some Polaroid camera film on Amazon but there weren't any images of the products. I asked the seller why that was and he said he didn't want to embarrass his film because it was camera shy.
Apparently camera film is photosensitive
My wife and I went on a trip to Cuba to stay at a few different places. By the end of week 2, we were walking barefoot across a beach, nearly dying of thirst and exhausted. We were wondering if we'd make it home, until I spotted a server holding some drinks. We sprinted towards her and drank both.
Patient: Doctor, I swallowed some rope last night Doctor: Have you got it out of you system yet? Patient: I'm a frayed knot
It's so interesting watching How it's Made to see how they connect some of these fixtures together.
The most recent Game of Thrones episode was too dark and it was hard to see. I just wish some of the undead were wearing heavy armor and wielding swords. Then we'd be able to see just fine.
Because they would be Knight Wights.
I buddy of mine gave me some flour made from ancient grains. Now I swap small bags of it for baked goods.
I get pie with a little spelt from my friends!
Every time I have cabbage I'm out of mayo, and every time I have mayo I'm out of cabbage. It's like some kind of Murphy's Slaw.
When I went to Germany, No matter what I ordered, it was always some type of sausage
But hey , it could have been wurst
The other day when it was so cold, a friend of mine went to buy some long underwear.
The shopkeeper said to him, "How long do you want it?" And my friend said, "Well, from about September to March."
I once knew a band composed of guys all born bottom first. Great music, but for some reason, The Breech Boys never made it big.
We’ve just had a decorator in to do some work on the house. I got chatting to him and it turns out he is a British Airways pilot who’s been furloughed and earning a bit of extra cash.
He made a lovely job of the landing.
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