My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night

Damn near poked my eye out

πŸ‘︎ 112
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rafikki123
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2022
🚨︎ report
My son,who is a poet, has developed a serious sleepwalking and sleep talking in rhyme problem.

It has gone from bed to verse.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bardbelle
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2022
🚨︎ report
Stop talking in sleep
πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tomatosavergirl
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Talking in his sleep is a hobbit
πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/praisedalord1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Talking in your sleep...

...could be called Napchat.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Toeknuckles
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2018
🚨︎ report
Wife told me "you must not have slept well, you kept talking about potassium in your sleep last night."

I replied: "Do you know where I buy all my potassium?"

"no... where?"

"K-Mart"

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DeepSkull
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2014
🚨︎ report
When things don't go accordion to plan....
πŸ‘︎ 640
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Trizmagestus
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2023
🚨︎ report
I once said to my wife that I was born in 1892 and that I wrote The hobbit and Lord of the rings

Apparently I was Tolkien in my sleep again

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OwenJthomas89
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2022
🚨︎ report
Father talks to his 5-year-old son: β€œNo, Petie, you don’t have to worry. There is no monster sleeping under your bed.

It sleeps every day in the bed next to me.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Phenix_Flare
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife keeps telling me that I talk in my sleep, but I don’t believe her.

No one at work ever mentioned it.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Big news guys! Just found out they're making corduroy pillows!

I guess they're really making headlines.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thedonramos
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2022
🚨︎ report
my partner talked in his sleep last night

He usually mumbles something. But last night he said vividly: "That is the worst dad joke I've ever heard."

I think I need to stop telling dad jokes

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tbw875
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2014
🚨︎ report
There was this tramp…

One cold winter's morning he was walking along a country road, when he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake.

He turned to see a little girl struggling in the broken ice in the middle of the lake. She'd been skating and had fallen into the icy water. Without a moment's hesitation the tramp ran onto the ice and slipped and slided over to the little girl. He managed to pull her out without breaking the ice further and he carried her back to the road.

He took off his coat and wrapped the little girl in it and began looking for a car to flag down. A few moments later a huge chauffeur-driven limo pulled up, and who stepped out but the little girl's father - the mayor of the nearby town and a multi-millionaire.

"How can I ever thank you sir?" says the father after putting his daughterinto the warmth of the limo.

"Just name your price - I'm a wealthy man."

"Ahem, well ..." stammered the tramp "...eh I'm a little short of cash, perhaps you could help me out"

"Certainly" says the girl's father and he pulls out his wallet.

"Oh dear" says the father, "I don't carry much cash with me, I only have ten dollars - but come home with me and I'll get more from the safe"

"No! No!" says the tramp, "Why ten dollars is more money than I've seen in my whole life - that will be plenty".

"Well, if you insist" says the father - "now what will you do with your money?"

"Oh that's easy" says the tramp "I've not had a rest in 20 years. I think I'll buy myself a holiday"

"Well good luck" says the father, and he gets into the car and signals his chauffeur to drive home.

"Ten Dollars" thinks the tramp, "I'm rich! I'm rich!", and off he goes to the town, to buy himself a holiday.

He finds a travel agent, walks in - much to the disgust of the staff - and goes up to the desk.

"I'll have one holiday please!"

"Ahem, which holiday would sir like" asked the girl at the desk, forcing a smile.

"Oh, any holiday I don't mind" replied the tramp.

"Well how much money does sir have to spend on sir's holiday?"

"Oh lots - anything up to ten dollars"

"TEN DOLLARS!! You'll never get a holiday for ten dollars" says the girl incredulously.

"Oh dear" said the tramp, "and I was so looking forward to a holiday - I'll probably never get another chance - isn't there anything you can do?"

"Well I don't think so sir, but hold on and I'll check"

The girl goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest filing drawers she can find. There - to her amazement -

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FancyAlligator
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2022
🚨︎ report
This pun made my friend not want to talk to me for a day

Ok, so this one needs a bit of buildup.

At the time (a week or so ago) I was making a homebrew item for DnD (for the uninformed, Homebrew are custom made items/classes/spells to use in a DnD game at the discretion of the DM (Dungeon Master)).

I had shown this item (shameless plug) to my friend (who is also the DM of the campaign I'm in now) in the hopes of using it in the campaign. He had pointed out that the item was a bit OP for it's cost and that the homebrew page I had made for it was too long. We were discussing ways to improve both the item and the page, and then got on the topic of magic items in general.

It went something along the lines of this:

DM: ... you can't really destroy a magic item before removing the magic from it. Like, you could try to melt down a magic sword for example, but all that would really do is make it too hot to hold. You could even bend it, but not outright destroy it.

Me: That's gotta be one pissed off magic sword.

DM: I mean, yeah, if it's sentient.

Me: Maybe it got so angry at being bent, that it gains sentience just spite you or something.

DM: Well, yeah maybe.

And this, people of reddit, is when the PUN, popped into my head.

Me: *leans in* you could say that the sword gained sentience cuz it got... bent out of shape.

A second or two of silence, and I see the pun register in his head, and I fucking lost it.

I then laugh for a straight minute. After about ten secunds of me busting a gut, he said "Aight, Imma head out"

We're cool now, but he really didn't want to talk to me the next day.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 29 2020
🚨︎ report
I think my girlfriend might break up with me.

Sitting on the couch watching The Bachelor with my gf (hate the show but I spend most of the time reddit-ing). She starts talking about how the guy makes out with so many different girls and goes "He even has sex with one of them when they go camping." I responded with "Wow that's fucking in-tents." So I might be sleeping on the couch tonight.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/koreanpopstarrain
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2015
🚨︎ report
I dare you to read this

What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!

I heard a scary math joke, but I’m 2^^2 to tell it!

Have you heard of that new movie, β€œConstipation”? Well it doesn’t matter, it never came out.

I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said β€œNo, doc, it’s dis knee.”

Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.

When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses don’t cause reactions, after all.

What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!

I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

Why can’t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You don’t wanna wake the sleeping pills.

What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!

What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!

Help, I can’t stop reading books with female protagonists! I’m a heroine addict!

How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!

19 and 20 got into a fight… 21.

My friend told me, β€œPeople who sell meat are disgusting!” So I said, β€œYeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!”

How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!

What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bond… ionic bond. β€œTaken, not shared.” What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)

How much does Santa’s sleigh cost? $0, it’s on the house.

If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.

I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.

I’m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!

What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide What’s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon

Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But that’s just a blanket statem

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kinjago
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
🚨︎ report
I am dad now

This just happened at the dinner table. My Dad was talking about how he got up very early for work. The conversation went like this:

Dad: β€œMan, I woke up way too early this morning and it completely threw me out of sync.”

Me: β€œWell, why were you sleeping in the sink?”

My Mom rolled her eyes.

I am Dad now.

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheLobster13
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Computer Puns

How do two programmers make money? One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.


Where’s the best place to hide a body? Page two of Google.


A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history – with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.


If it weren’t for C, we’d all be programming in BASI and OBOL.


There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don’t.


In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?


Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.


Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.


Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurling down the highway.


An SQL statement walks into a bar and sees two tables. It approaches, and asks β€œmay I join you?”


Why is it that programmers always confuse Halloween with Christmas?

Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC.


Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft… and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.


How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None. It’s a hardware problem.


I named my hard drive β€œdat ass” so once a month my computer asks if I want to β€˜back dat ass up’.


I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.


I changed my password to β€œincorrect”. So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say β€œYour password is incorrect”.


A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.


It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.


Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Wifi went down during family dinner tonight. One kid started talking and I didn’t know who he was.


I would like to thank everybody that stuck by my side for those five long minutes my house didn’t have internet.


A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.


Are you a computer whiz? it seems you know how to turn my software to hardwar

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2017
🚨︎ report
My dad said this last night.

So a little backstory, my parents take the dog for a walk every night. My mom is in college (lol napoleon dynamite) and she takes a marine biology class.

So they were on one of those walks last night, and they were talking about ants. My mom's question was whether or not ants sleep. My dad replies saying, "Why are you asking me? You're the one in a biology class." To which she replied, "I'm in a marine biology class, I don't think there are any marine ants."

Without skipping a beat, my dad came up with the most incredible response...

"Why can't there be marine ants? We already have army ants."

πŸ‘︎ 202
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PrematureSquirt
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2014
🚨︎ report
Were you vaccinated with a phonograph needle?

Because it's been 15 minutes and you haven't stopped talking!

(This is a joke my dad said to me last night. He's 85 and in failing health so to hear him crack this joke really made me laugh & smile. Then this morning he called me saying he couldn't sleep last night because he worried the joke offended me. I told him hell no...it was hilarious! I love my dad!)

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KlimRous
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2019
🚨︎ report
A zookeeper is having trouble sleeping...

because of a certain case, which made it so that all the zoo animals had to stay in his bedroom. One of them keeps on waking him up, but he’s not sure which one. He goes to see an expert on similar situations like this. They go over which one is the most likely. The expert says:

β€œIt’s not the fox, since those are quiet. It’s also most likely not the monkeys, because these types sleep well.”

They have a conversation like this, but the zookeeper keeps on wanting to talk about his elephant, which he loved and thought would never want to wake him up. The expert notices and plays along for a while, avoiding the subject until all other animals are no longer a suspect. The expert finally gets tired and asks the zookeeper:

β€œAre we going to talk about the elephant in the room?”

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
🚨︎ report
My Favorite Wall

Person 1: "Would you prefer to sleep? Don't make yourself miserable on my account; I can always talk to my favorite wall (the one across from my bed)."

Person 2: "5-10 more minutes and I'll probably leave you, Im sure your wall would like some quality time with you too"

Person 1: "Yeah, he's been a bit neglected recently. I should maintain our relationship so he doesn't leave; I'd be crushed if he did."

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OfTheWhat
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Puns for Kids

The funniest and shortest puns for kids, you always remember while teaching children puns, try to choose the short ones because they are easy for them to remember and register.

Puns for Kids

Why are teddy bears never hungry? They are always stuffed!


What do you get when you cross a snake and a pie? A pie-thon!


Where do polar bears vote? The North Poll.


What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the court room? Odor in the court!


Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie.


Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools.


The streets in the capital of Afghanistan are paved with Kabulstones.


How does a lion greet the other animals in the field? Pleased to eat you.


What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn? An egg roll!


No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.


Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove he wasn’t chicken!


What musical is about a train conductor? β€œMy Fare, Lady”.


A man drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


What animals are on legal documents? Seals!


Why did the lion spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny!


Why did the bumble bee leave the house? It heard the school was having a spelling bee.


Being struck by lightning is really a shocking experience!


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans!


Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!


Dockyard: A physician’s garden.


What did the angry mother say to the boiling pot of spaghetti? Simmer down!


The lights were too bright at the Chinese restaurant so the manager decided to dim sum.


β€œWhat’s purple and 5000 miles long?” β€œOoh! I know! The Grape Wall of China!”


Every calendar’s days are numbered.


This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. β€œFour bucks,” says the bartender. β€œPut it on my bill.”


I used to be twins. My mother has a picture of me when I was two.


What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch!


When does a well-dressed lion look like a weed? When he’s a dandelion (dandy lion).


Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a-salted.


A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2017
🚨︎ report
Cow Puns

From animal puns, we bring for you this funniest bundle of cow puns

How does a cow get to the mooooon? It flies through udder space!


What happens when you talk to a cow? It goes in one ear and out the udder!


What do you call cattle with a sense of humor? Laughing stock.


What is a cows favorite colour? Maroooooooon.


Why did the blonde buy a brown cow? To get chocolate milk.


What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer


What do you get when you cross an elephant with a dairy cow? Peanut butter.


What do u call a really strong cow? Beefy.


What do you get when you walk under a cow? A pat on the head.


How does lady gaga like her steak? Raw raw raw raw raw.


Why did the cow cross the road? Cause it didnt want Lady Gaga to make a meat dress out of him.


What are a cows favorite subjects in school? Moosic, psycowolgy, cowculus


What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? Milk and Quackers!


What do you call it when a cow jumps over a barbed wire fence? Udder-Catastrophe


Where do you find the most cows? Moo-York


What do cows get when they are sick? Hay Fever


Why did the moron give the sleepy cow a hammer? He wanted her to hit the hay!


Why do cows think cooks are mean? They whip cream!


Why doesn’t Sweden export it’s cattle? It wants to keep it’s Stockholm!


What is the definition of β€œmoon”? The past tense of β€œmoo”!


Why was he woman arrested on a cattle ranch for wearing a silk dress? She was charged with rustling!


Why was the calf afraid? He was a cow-herd!


Why wouldn’t anyone play with the little longhorn? He was too much of a bully!


What magazine makes cows stampede to the newsstand? Cows-mopolitan!


What’s the best way to make a bull sweat ? Put him in a tight jumper !


What South American dance do cows like to do? The Rump-a


What does a cow make when the sun comes out? A shadow


What do you get when a cow goes to the Beach with tanning oil? Pre-tanned leather.


What sound do you hear when you drop a bomb on a cow? Cowboom!


What did the calf say to the silo? β€œIs my fodder in there?”


What would you hear at a cow concert? Moo-sic!


Why did the cow jump over the moon? To get to the Milky Way!


What’s a cow’s favorite moosi

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2017
🚨︎ report
Light-hearted dad joke for a difficult time

My grandmother is in her last days and sleeps most of the day.

My uncle: I'm going to go in and talk to her for little while, do you think that'll bother her?

My dad: I think she'll lose sleep over it!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Got a chuckle out of my exhausted girlfriend.

So our new born had us up all night. While he was sleeping we laid him on the bed between us, while we were talking I put my hand over his entire torso and said. "Boy is he a handful" she's laughed and told me to shut up.

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/StinkiyPetey5
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2014
🚨︎ report
Dream job

My friends and I were sitting and eating lunch in school while talking about an assignment we got.

Friend 1: What would be your dream job?

Me: I would like to be a chef.

Friend 2: A real dream job would be to test sleep beds.

Rest of group slowly starts groaning when we realise

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SSGAsterix
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2014
🚨︎ report
Took me a minute to catch this one

So tonight at the dinner table my mom and I were talking about a sleep sound app that you can download on your phone, tablet ect. Anyway I was mentioning some of the sounds they have and I said for example A dishwasher running... My Dad chimes in and starts shouting "NO NO PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME WASH ANYMORE DISHES I QUIT" while pretending to run.

A dishwasher... running...

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zombie_unicornz
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2014
🚨︎ report
Dadjoked a chick. I'm pretty proud of myself and wanted to share.

Talking about the semester ending. Her: "Yeah I can't wait to sleep in every day." Me: "Sleep in what every day?"

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/grant112
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2013
🚨︎ report
Dad joked this morning

Yesterday my car died and we were talking about how to handle it. My dad says he'll sleep on it. This morning I ask, "So what did you end up sleeping on?" "Bed."

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/catcherblock
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2014
🚨︎ report
Psych teacher just got the class

We were talking about sleep disorders when he dadjoked everyone.

"People who take Viagra have been known to suffer from insomnia, due to the fact that they're up all night."

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Stoltz3
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2014
🚨︎ report
Sleeping on a plane

My freshman daughter complained to me yesterday that she can't sleep on a plane. I told her she sleeps on a plane every night.

"Huh?"

"You're talking airplane. I'm talking geometry."

She's doesn't like me any more.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/farrenkm
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2015
🚨︎ report
Literal Dad Joke

Wife and I were talking about how well our baby has been sleeping and she says "I think I wanna night ween her". Surprised by what I thought she said, I say - "I'll give you night wiener!"

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hungryforpower
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2018
🚨︎ report
I thought it was funny, even if she didn't get it

My kids wanted to camp in the back yard. My wife set the tent up while I was at work and expected me to sleep outside with them. I had to work the next morning. My wife was going to camp with them instead.

For reference, I call my daughter my princess and me and my wife have a queen size bed.

Daughter:(trying to talk me into camping with them)If you don't sleep outside you won't get to snuggle with your princess! Me: it's ok, I'll have a queen all to myself. Wife:groan

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MoveLikeMacgyver
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2015
🚨︎ report
My dad told me 2 jokes today for the price of 1. >.>

Why did the skeleton kill himself?

Because he was alone and had no-body.

Bonus joke:

Two friends are talking to each other.

"What are we doing with our lives?"

"I don't know pal, I always wanted to be a doctor."

"Oh yeah? Why don't you go try it?"

"Because...I have no payshants."

(yeah...I deliberately misspelled that word because these oral play on word type jokes are hard to put down in text)

EDIT: Jesus, he's on a roll today....

Why did the Iguana sleep alone?

Because he had ereptile-dysfunction.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/garbonzo607
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2014
🚨︎ report
Girlfriend got dad-joked (by her dad, who else)

They're talking about sleeping arrangements for an upcoming trip that we're all taking, and he brings up the idea of us sleeping in a tent.

Girlfriend: I don't really care, I just like his company.

Girlfriend's dad: He owns a business? I knew I liked this kid.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/freeofthought
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2014
🚨︎ report
Heard this at work today...

People just chatting shit and one lad comes out with "If you had to choose how you died, how would you end it"?

Next guy to talk "I want to go out like my old man, in his sleep"

"Not screaming in terror like those 10 other people on his bus."

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MisterSlippyFists
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2015
🚨︎ report
Got my mom just now

My mom and I were talking about how she was inspired by the show Tiny House Nation. (For those who aren't familiar, it is a show about downsizing, and living in a more eco friendly house). She was describing her ideal layout, how she would live with her sisters and how there would be sleeping quarters for their children (me being one of them) to visit.

I naturally chimed in with "That's alright, I just need a sleeping nickel". She chuckled, then groaned. I chuckled, and posted it here!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/stonersebass
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2016
🚨︎ report
I need Halloween/Fantasy puns please!

I feel like I don’t have enough for mermaids, unicorns other creatures etc. Here are the ones I already have...

Basic witch

Spell the tea

Demons are a ghouls best friend

Little black magic dress

The ghoul next door

Squad ghouls

Witch and famous

Resting witch face

Be careful what you witch for

Witch me luck

Witchful thinking

Make love not warlock

Be afraid, be fairy afraid

A good shaman/talisman is hard to find

Do you really wand to hurt me

Black cat got your tongue

But of curse

Safe hex

Group hex

Big girls don’t scry

It’s my party and I’ll scry if I want to

Trickbait

Fright club

You used to call me on my shell phone

New shellpone, who dis?

Hey, I'm a mermaid and this is crazy, but here's my conch shell, so call me maybe

Yeah the buoys

Don’t krill my vibe

This is boo sheet

Give em pumkin to talk about

Howl you doin’

Don’t be a jerk-o-lantern

Witch, please

Witch better have my candy

Boo Felicia

Romeo and Ghouliet

Cereal killer

Bun in the coven

Summer coven’

Boo-ty sleep

How do you boo?

Creep calm and carry on

What ghost around, comes around

No rest for the wicca’d

I’ll have what banshee’s having

Zombodie that I used to know

Sugar dead-y

Wicca’d stepmother

Smells like teen spirits

The only hexception

Neck-romancer

Abracadaver

That’s what’s banshee said

Dead Flanders

Matt Demon

Icy dead people

Purranormal activity

Straight outta coffin

Congrats to the bride and broom

Let’s get sheet faced

Let’s talk about hex, baby

Hex on the beach

Netflix and kill

Silk Satan sheets

I’m literally dying

Ghost Malone

Broom hair, don’t care

Happy Hallowine

Look what you made me brew

Deja boo

Practice safe hex

Boo berry muffins

There will be hell toupee

Boo lagoon

Coffin up blood

Salty witch

Over the moonicorn

All bayou self

Bad neck-romance

Boy necks door

Allergic to fairy

You’re so vein

Bats and bobs

All you can eat Buffy

Owl put a spell on you

Faboolous

Zombae

Oh my goth!

Ghoulboss

Bone appetit

Love you to the tomb and back

Dead & breakfast

SΓ©ayoncΓ©

I Ouija love

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tlouiseey
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2019
🚨︎ report
My deaf wife kept talking in her sleep last night.

Damn near poked my eyes out!

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BusyPooping
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2021
🚨︎ report
My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night.

Damn near poked my eye out.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KingJiggaMan
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2019
🚨︎ report
My deaf wife was talking in her sleep last night.

Damn near poked my eye out!

πŸ‘︎ 302
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BusyPooping
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2021
🚨︎ report
My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night.

Damn near poked my eye out.

πŸ‘︎ 201
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/youthfulcomrade
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
🚨︎ report
My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep the other night.

She almost poked my eye out.

πŸ‘︎ 78
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/daveorruk
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2019
🚨︎ report
My mute wife keeps talking in her sleep.

Damn near poked my eye out last night!

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BusyPooping
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2020
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.