No, son. I can't risk the monster following you in here.
Tomorrow we begin a 31 day March!
No hobo
It's just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.
It's nighttime.
We just finishing applying the mortar to the tub surround and adding the tiles. While we were cleaning up, she was complaining about all the mortar dust getting in her feet. I asked her how it got there and she replied that itβs all over the floor. βYou walked in it?β, I said and she nodded. I replied with, βone does not simply walk into mortar.β Iβm sleeping on the couch tonight.
Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.
3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.
5/4 of people admit theyβre bad at fractions.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.
A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. βIβd like some wings and a pint of beer, please,β it says. βSorry, but I canβt serve you,β the bartender replies. βYouβre out of your head.β
A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'
A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.
A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. βWe donβt serve your kind here,β the bartender says. βWhy not?β one yogurt asks. βWeβre cultured.β
A friend of mine didnβt pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.
A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. Heβs an extremely aggressive janitor.
A guy walks into a bar, and thereβs a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, βWhat are you staring at? Havenβt you ever seen a horse tending bar before?β The guy says, βItβs not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.β
A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, βWhatβs with the paper towel?β The pirate says, βArrr! Iβve got a Bounty on me head!β
A turtle is crossing the road when heβs mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, βI donβt know. It all happened so fast.β
Armed robbersβsome say theyβre a drain on society, but youβve got to give it to them.
Barbersβ¦you have to take your hat off to them.
Can February March? No, but April May!
Cooking out this weekend? Donβt forget the pickle. Itβs kind of a big dill.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!
Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.
Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. Thereβs Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewisβ¦ Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?
Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!
Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape
... keep reading on reddit β‘
It just goes from Bad to Worse.
The Codfather
OP: Iβm a fan of the whole little leaf catalog! Love the deep cuts on Live in Romaine; they get right to the heart of it
Wife: Lettuce catalog? What even is this?
OP: And the emotion behind the vocals on βLettuce Beβ are just wilting
OP: Love the guitar solo on βlicense to Kaleβ goes off like a Wild Rocket
OP: And when Kravitz joined them in β97 for βArugula go my wayβ!!! That was just spicy
Other dad: Now youβre just having too much fun
Wife: you are literally going to get hidden with one more
OP: I really am
Wife: Donβt make me leave this chat.
OP: But who would want this fun to endive?
Wife: Last warning, Seriously
(Quick, I need more! I may be sleeping on the couch tonight, but at least Iβll be able to admire our FrisΓ©e in the living room)
Sitting on the couch watching The Bachelor with my gf (hate the show but I spend most of the time reddit-ing). She starts talking about how the guy makes out with so many different girls and goes "He even has sex with one of them when they go camping." I responded with "Wow that's fucking in-tents." So I might be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Tomorrow we begin a 31 day March!
A whim away, a whim away.
A whim away, a whim away, a whim away
~A whim away A whim away A whim away
Is always just a whim away.
A whim away, A whim away, A whim away, oh no...
A whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away
a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away
...a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away...
...is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away...
A whim away, a whim away, a whim away...
It's always just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away....
It's just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away
...is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.
Is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away
is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away...
a whim away, a whim away, a whim way, a whim away
I was only a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away
Is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away
A whim away. A whim away...
...a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away!
a whim away, a whim away, a whim way, a whim away
A whim away, a whim away a whim away a whim away a whim away
Whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away....
I'm just a wimb-a-way from singing it.
A whim away, a whim away, a whim away!
My wife: my ear is ringing for some reason
Me: you should probably answer it
Me: Urgh, my foot has fallen asleep, I hate when that happens.
Dad: Thatβs annoying; now itβs not going to be able to get to sleep tonight!
Ring your door bell before you go to sleep tonight. This will clear the dogs off your bed long enough for you to get in and get comfortable.
the urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is only a whim away, a whim away...
Me: ok guys time to start getting ready for bed. Get in your PJ's and brush teeth, there is no sleeping in clothes tonight.
Daughter: but pyjamas are clothes dad!
So proud of her....
My wife: Why? Me: Ha, Gotye there.
Needless to say, I'm sleeping on the couch tonight.
