My date was supposed meet me at the gym but they didn't show up.

That's when I knew we weren't going to work out.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bryanBr
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
🚨︎ report
I told my date to meet me at the gym, but she didn’t show up.

I guess this means we can’t work out.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
🚨︎ report
Want people to show up? Bring food.
πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MetropolisCourier
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
🚨︎ report
A crow invited his buddies over to hang out but they didn’t show up.

He was charged with attempted murder.

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brainsonastick
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
🚨︎ report
The only people to show up to my friend’s funeral were some of his one night stands and some friends from church.

Thots and prayers

πŸ‘︎ 662
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πŸ‘€︎ u/letsgorbg
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
The deaf girl didn’t show up to her court case yesterday

She lost her hearing.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EyeSayAye
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
🚨︎ report
There's a new show on BBC where heroin junkies can determine via experts, how much money they've shot up over the years.

It's called,Cash in the Addict.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rossco1874
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
🚨︎ report
The police show up on a crime scene

They walk in and see a man standing over a body with a broken neck. So they take the man into questioning and ask him why he did it, the man said β€œIt was a snap decision”

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bear6677
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
🚨︎ report
My Dad(64) always shows up to every event 10 minutes after it's started. We bought him a watch, told him the start time was earlier than it was, we've tried everything, but nothing works...

We just have to accept that he's a Late Boomer.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/QuestionableQuery
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the stripper show up at the Board of Elections?

She heard they were looking for poll workers.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do the police show up early to peaceful protest?

They like to beat the crowds.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bigbackclock69
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
🚨︎ report
My co-worker Nicholas is rarely late for work meetings, but it often shows up within 2 minutes of the meeting start time

I guess he likes to show up in the nick of time.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
🚨︎ report
My kids were watching a show about identical twins re-united after being separated at birth, and in disbelief that they were wearing matching outfits when they met up.

I said, well, they do have the same genes.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zion2199
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Although at times the cops were able to catch up to that orange car on the Dukes of Hazard tv show...

...GeneralLee they weren’t fast enough

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eagle4523
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I wasn't invited to perform on the annual mushroom stand-up comedy show

I guess they must have realized I'm not a fungi.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Abaght
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2020
🚨︎ report
The cake shows up to the talent show and takes center stage. When the judge asks what is his talent. He replies...

"Icing"

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IronHusker88
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Why Is Everyone Happy When The Mushroom Shows Up At The Party?

Because He's A Real Fungi.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/baronvb1123
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
🚨︎ report
What does a baker call bread that shows up unexpectedly?

An interloafer.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/maerek88
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2020
🚨︎ report
In the early days of Tesla, they had difficulties getting the CEO to show up on time to meetings, so they trained a puppy to find him and bark until he arrived...

...all they had to say was "get Elon little doggie".

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
🚨︎ report
A priest is sitting at a bar when a rabbi shows up. The rabbi says,

"well I walked right into that one, didn't I?"

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Doctor_Oceanblue
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2020
🚨︎ report
A local man shows up to his local Starbucks for his daily cup of coffee.

β€œGrande macchiato with oat milk, please.”

The cashier started to process his order, until the man asked β€œWhy are you wearing a surgical mask?”

β€œI’m not”, said the barista, β€œit’s a coughy filter”.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ“…︎ May 08 2020
🚨︎ report
A comedian would do a set, each show, where he sprinted to either side of the stage with his mouth tied up.

It was a running gag.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Peteman22
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2020
🚨︎ report
"German talent show contestants puts string of sausages up her bum" .. this performance was the wurst
πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cowenpa
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a nordic person who never shows up on time?

A frosted flake

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/omegaswepon
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Why didn’t the cannibal show up late for dinner?

He was afraid he’d get the cold shoulder.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Star-Commander-5
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I was in the pub having a drink when a girl came up to me and said she can show me a good time. So I followed her out the back where she took off her top...

...and she ran 100m in 10 seconds

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cormac-Dockry
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Listen, I know you think you're just so great for doing show jumping on a drugged up stallion but... I

I think you should get off your high horse.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MaenHoffiCoffi
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2019
🚨︎ report
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline....

He said it got pushed back

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LogOffPleez
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
🚨︎ report
The people who actually show up to the Area 51 raid are really gonna go out with a bang.
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kadedubson30
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2019
🚨︎ report
My mom told me her lawyer always shows up to court wearing the same thing

A lawsuit

πŸ‘︎ 62
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kittycaviar
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2019
🚨︎ report
I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and I didn’t show up.

I hope she gets the message that we’re not working out.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr_IT
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Why were the vowels sad when they said John Cena would show up

It's not like U could see him anyway

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stayouttamyswamp-
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when a bunch of crows accidentally show up to the same place at the same time?

A manslaughter

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2019
🚨︎ report
I asked my daughter why her electrician boyfriend didn’t show up for their date.

No shock: He was grounded

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nyarlathotep4King
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2018
🚨︎ report
A southern gentleman shows up for his vasectomy wearing a tuxedo

The doctor asks "why are you dressed like that?"

"If I'm going to be impotent, I want to look impotent."

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/you_buy_this_shit
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Every day, my professor starts her class by reading to us the important news of the day. Today she didn’t show up.

So a subreddit.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Copper better be careful, if Zinc shows up they could both be charged with battery
πŸ‘︎ 119
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πŸ‘€︎ u/moses10960
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2018
🚨︎ report
Bear Grylls could really live up to his name if he started a cooking show.
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zeplinehord
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2019
🚨︎ report
I wanted to buy my wife and I Tickets to Bob Saget’s stand up show but it was sold out.

Looks like it is going to be a Full House

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nickfoot9
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2019
🚨︎ report
why did the spoon show up dressed as a knife ?

Invitation said to look sharp.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chexmp
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2019
🚨︎ report
A recent study shows that the number of people who enjoy horror films has gone up by more than 30%.

That’s a frightening statistic.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Wife and I are watching an antiques show, when a weathervane shows up on the screen....

The wife and I both to proceed how we like the look of it, and the wife mentions how she likes the lack of a rooster on top.

To which I reply "Of course dear, no one likes a cock swinging around in the breeze".

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spyrulfyre
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2019
🚨︎ report
I asked my date to meet me at the gym today. She didn’t show up.

That's when I knew we weren't gonna work out.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/red_snake0329
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2021
🚨︎ report
Why do the police show up early to the riots?

To beat the crowd

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr_Gus3114
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you give a cannibal that shows up late to a dinner party?

The cold shoulder.

πŸ‘︎ 98
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πŸ‘€︎ u/conditackler
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you give a cannibal that shows up late to a dinner party?

The cold shoulder.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/One_Day_Dead
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2019
🚨︎ report

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