I tried making a machine that shoots bullets out of your fingers, but it shot out my spine instead.

Well, that back fired.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
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A whale is masturbating. His sperm shoots out and thanks him.

He replies " You're whale cum!"

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/poogart
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2020
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If I could shoot rockets out of my feet,

I would call them missile toes.

Have a Merry Christmas and happy holidays!

πŸ‘︎ 173
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tigreye007
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2019
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What do you call a prostitute that shoots radio waves out of her nipples?

A Wi-Fi thotspot

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LemonRapist
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2019
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What did the dog say after his Dad was involved in a shoot-out?

You shot my Paw!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fuckyou62
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2020
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You’re traveling the Oregon Trail and you meet a man named Terry. You say β€œTerry? That’s a girls name!” He pulls out his gun and shoots you.

You have died from dissin’ Terry

πŸ‘︎ 184
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sincons
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2019
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Why does Emperor Palpatine shoot electricity out of his hands?

Because he's in charge.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/piper4026
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2016
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Why does corn curve when you shoot it out of a cannon?

Because of the Corn-iolis Effect

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kirk880
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2017
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Two original dad jokes for you that involve our dog Habibi

Our new puppy is named Habibi but we all call her Bibi for short. Here are two real dad jokes I've told about her in the past few weeks:

  • What do you call it when Bibi eats one of the Star Wars toys?

Bibi ate

  • What do you call it when Bibi shoots out tiny poop pellets instead of her normal poops?

Bibi gun

Thank you, thank you. bows

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jjjmills
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
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I accused my roommate of stealing my stuff, but he told me that he had gone out to a shooting range.

Turns out his story was full of holes.

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2019
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I took my new gun to the range to try it out, but somehow it won’t work.

Now I have to read the trouble shooting section in the manual.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2019
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A Panda Walks into a Bar

A panda walks into a bar one day. He casually walks to the bar and sits on a bar stool.

The bartender thinks this is a bit odd, a panda walking into a bar isn’t something that normally happens to him.

He approaches the panda regardless and asks, β€œWhat can I get you?”

The panda grabs a menu off the bar, opens it and points to a cheeseburger.

The bartender is very impressed by this and so he decides to go ahead and make the cheeseburger for the panda.

The panda gets his cheeseburger, devours it, savoring every last bit. He then wipes its mouth with a napkin, impressing the bartender even more.

But then suddenly the panda pulls out a gun and shoots everyone in the bar, except for the bartender.

The bartender stands there in total shock, soaked in blood, and can only ask the panda, β€œWhy?”

The panda pulls a dictionary from his fur coat and turns to the bartender. He flips the book to the P section, places it on the bar, and points to his picture. Then he turns and walks out the door without looking back.

The bartender leans down and reads the entry next to Panda. It says…

β€œPanda: A wild animal that eats, shoots and leaves.”

πŸ‘︎ 99
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Donorob
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2020
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How do you know if a sniper likes you?

He misses you

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vidakris
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2017
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A panda walks into a bar.

He gobbles some beer nuts, then pulls out a pistol, fires it in the air, and heads for the door.

β€œHey!” shouts the bartender, but the panda yells back, β€œI’m a panda! Google me!”

β€œA tree-climbing mammal with distinct black-and-white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sup_mike
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
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So my wife...

Was trying to figure out how to use her new iPhone to shoot photos at night using night mode. She gave me the phone and said, here figure this out. I took the phone and pushed one button, and voila, night mode. She looks at me at this point and says, how did you know that would work? My reply...

I don’t know, I was just taking a shot in the dark.

Mic drop.

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/velopike
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
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A hearse is driving up a very steep street

A hearse is driving up a very steep street and once it gets near the top, the back door opens up and the coffin comes shooting out of the hearse and rolls down the street.

People are diving out of the way, cars are swerving, it’s chaos! By the time it reaches the bottom of the hill it has picked up a lot of speed and crashes into a wall surrounded by people.

The door pops open, the body sits up and says β€œDo you have anything to stop this coughin?”

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/countryroads8484
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
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So this panda bear walks into a bar.

He goes up to the bartender and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, then takes out a gun, shoots the piano player, and goes to walk out.

The bartender says what the heck are you doing?

I'm a panda. It's what I do. Look it up.

So the bartender gets out his dictionary. You know, for settling bets. You didn't have a problem with the piano player, just go with it.

So, sure enough, there it is in the dictionary.

Panda bear, noun. Not a true bear, eats shoots and leaves.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lfantine
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2020
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A pun walks into a bar, ten people die on the spot.

Pun in, ten dead

Edit: The police quickly arrived at the scene, surrounding the bar. The pun was trapped in the bar but it decided to hold on and have a shoot out with the police instead of surrendering. Sadly, the pun was shot. He was pun out dead at the scene.

Edit: Nobody attended the puns funeral, they all at ten ded.

-Mic drop-

Edit: Wasn’t that a killer pun?

Edit: Unfortunately I told about 10 puns before this one. Did any of them land? No. No pun in ten did.

(Credit To killsforsporks and TLo137 for the last 2 edits)

πŸ‘︎ 492
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fanthom12
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2019
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My Dad works for a welding supplier, so heres his welding dad joke

A guy was cutting with an acetylene torch when suddenly there is a break in the line. The acetelyne starts shooting up his arm and a stray spark ignites it. His arm bursts into flame. He starts running around the shop waving his arm around while it's on fire until someone hits him with the fire extinguisher.

After the fire is out and the EMT's arrive, the police are there taking statements from the witnesses. When the officer finishes this, he pulls out his handcuffs, goes over to the burned guy on the ground, pushes the EMT out of the way, and arrests the burned guy.

When he brings the guy to the station, the chief asks him why he arrested this guy when he clearly needs medical attention. The officer responded by saying "He was waving a firearm in public"

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Better_Devil
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2020
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Lawyer, chemist and a statistician goes hunting

Lawyer, chemist and a statistician are out in a forest hunting for deer. After one hour of patiently waiting lawyer finally spots one. The lawyer shoots at a deer and misses half a meter to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses half a meter to the right. Both are furious and dissapointed as they see the deer escape.

Chemist asks statistician - "why you didn't shoot ?"

Statistician replyes - "I didn't need to, we already shot him !".

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CheeserLP
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2019
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Two generation dad joke

I got a new phone for Christmas today and while playing around with it I misplaced my old phone and couldn't find it anywhere. I asked my dad to call me so I could find it by sound. All of a sudden he starts yelling my name and then shoots me a shit eating grin and says, "what? You told me to call you." But before he even had a chance to laugh at his own joke my grandpa (his dad) yelled across the house, "he wanted someone to call his phone, not him!" Then proceeded to yell, "Phone!!! Phone!! Where are you!?" Then both of them busted out laughing while I sat there still with no phone :(

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bzsteele
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2013
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An Australian is walking over to a friend to say hi.

All of a sudden, his friend pulls out a gun and shoots him. As the Australian is bleeding out on the ground, he rasps, β€œgood aim, mate.”

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Undercover-Cactus
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2019
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My girlfriend was having rough morning getting ready for class... I don't think I helped

So my girlfriend and I are both in college and I'm at her dorm waiting for her to get ready for class. She takes off her glasses and starts looking through her drawer when she says "Aw why did I do this to myself? I ran out of contacts"

I go "Babe, if it's more friends that you need, we can go out tonight and meet new people"

After the usual eye roll she goes "No I wanna see"

To which I reply, "Why would you want a C? I'm shooting for at least a B or an A in all of my classes"

That was probably the heaviest sigh I've ever heard from her

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GuexDota
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2016
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A police officer walks into a tattoo parlor

A police officer walks into a tattoo parlor, hoping to get something cool drawn onto his shoulder. He walks up to the artist and shows him a picture of what he wants. In large text on a ribbon it says, "Protect and Serve." Below it, is a picture of a a badge, a pair of handcuffs, and a pistol. The tattoo artist is very good at his job, and says he can get this done in one session, so the officer sits down and the artist gets started. A few hours later, the artist is just finishing up, inking the last details of his service weapon. Once the last line is inked on the trigger, the cop gets up from his chair and looks in the mirror to see his new tattoo. His face twists into a look of shock and terror, pulls out his gun and opens fire onto the tattoo artist, killing him in the process. He gets on his radio, calling for backup, and took a defensive position until a few more cops and the police chief showed to the parlor minutes later. The chief, while examining the scene asks the officer, "What the hell? Why did you shoot this guy?" The cop says, "What did you expect me to do? The guy drew a gun on me!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2019
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A panda walks into a restaurant.

He seats himself at a table. The sight is so strange that the owner comes over personally and asks, "Can I help you?" The panda replies, "Do you have anything with bamboo?" The owner answers, "We have a few Chinese dishes that have bamboo." The panda says, "I'll just have the bamboo." So the owner heads to the kitchen and soon returns with a plate of bamboo. The panda eats every last morsel, then pulls out a pistol, fires it into the ceiling, and walks out. The owner is startled and completely confused, so he follows the panda all the way back to the zoo. When he finds the zoo keeper, he walks up and asks, "Do you have any idea what your panda just did? He came into my restaurant, ate a bunch of bamboo, pulled out a pistol, fired it into the ceiling, and walked out." The zoo keeper replied, "Well, of course, he's a panda; that's what they do." Then, when he saw the owner was still confused, added, "Haven't you ever read about pandas?" More confused than ever, the owner walks home. He gets out his old set of encyclopedias, dusts off the letter "P, " and turns to the entry on pandas: "The panda is a large mammal, native to China; it eats bamboo shoots and leaves."

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Feddny
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2018
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A guy signs up for the army and goes to get his equipment after he’s been processed.

When he gets to the place where he’s supposed to pick up his rifle the man tells him thatΒ he just ran out. β€œIf you need to shoot just say β€˜BANGITY BANG BANGITY BANG!'” he says. Bummed out and little confused, the guy moves on to the next areaΒ where he’s supposed to pick up the bayonet. But the next man is out too. β€œIf you need to stab someone justΒ go, β€˜STICKITY STICK STICKITY STICK!'” he says. Dejected and wondering what the heck he signed up for, the guy jumps into the next truck on its wayΒ to the front where there’s a battle raging on.

Side by side with the rest of the soldiers in his unit, the guy advances on the enemy position. As soon as he sees the enemy, he shouts, β€œBANGITY BANG BANGITY BANG!!” Amazingly, the enemy soldierΒ drops to the ground. Encouraged by his success he charges the next two enemy soldiers and goes, β€œSTICKITY STICK STICKITY STICK!” They both immediately collapse in front of him. This is incredible, he thinks, I’ve become unstoppable.

So when he sees his next foeΒ way off in the distance, he shouts,Β β€œBANGITY BANG BANGITY BANG!” at him. He waits for him to fall, but nothing happens. The guy charges his unfazedΒ adversaryΒ nextΒ and goes β€œSTICKITY STICK STICKITY STICK!” Again he thinks the man will fall and again nothingΒ happens. β€œWhy wont you drop?” the guy says. The enemy soldier knocks him down andΒ responds, β€œTANKITY TANK TANKITY TANK!”

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lavidius
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2019
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A Panda walks into a restaurant...

sits down and orders bamboo. Once he finishes his meal he stands up, pulls two guns from his furry pockets and shoots up at the ceiling not harming anyone. He then drops the guns and walks out. Confused, his waiter runs after him and yells, "Hey bear! What was that all about??!!". The panda says "Look me up." Confused, the waiter looks up "panda" and reads, "A bear that eats bamboo, shoots, and leaves."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/maxbrickem
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2018
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Old joke, my daughter loved it.

A trio of explorers were hiking through the Congo and found a small village that was very isolated and not on any map. The villagers turned out to speak English very well, and informed the adventurers very politely that theirs was a village of cannibals and they were to be cooked and eaten, and their hides tanned and turned into canoes for the villagers, but they would allow them to take their own life however they saw fit.

The first man asks for a sharp knife, slices his wrists open, and mutters "Lay me down and bleed a while, and ne'er up again."

The second man asks for his revolver, says "For God and Country!" and shoots himself in the head.

The last man asks for a fork, and stabs himself repeatedly screaming "Fuck your canoe!"

πŸ‘︎ 238
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jimvoluntaryist
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2013
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A New Year’s folk tale

Bee was making a list for her New Year’s Eve party. She asked her friend Grasshopper for help.

β€œWho should I invite?” β€œHow about those ants that’ve been your next door neighbors for years? You invite them every year.” β€œI guess so… I find them a bit old-fashioned though.” β€œI think they’re quaint. Also you should invite the new young ant family down the street.” β€œYeah, they seem so nice.”

Bee sent out most of her invites but in her rush forgot her next door neighbors. New Year’s Eve came and the party started at Bee’s house. Grasshopper came early to help Bee out as always, and noticed the unsent invites on the counter. Oh well, too late. The doorbell rang and Grasshopper went to open the door. It was the ants from next door.

And so it came to be that Grasshopper said to himself on New Year’s Eve:

β€œShoot, the older quaint ants Bee forgot.”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OneFootTitan
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2018
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One of my dad's funnier ones..

A panda goes into a restaurant and orders some bamboo for dinner. After he is done he asks the waiter for the bill.

As the waiter approaches he pulls out a semi-automatic and starts opening fire.

The scared and confused waiter asks him why is he doing all this.

The Panda just hands him a dictionary with a bookmark pointing to panda.

Panda: Eats shoots and leaves

πŸ‘︎ 208
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Secrethat
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2013
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Took a girl named Amy on a date to Dave & Buster's...

(Dave and Buster's is an arcade)

She absolutely beat me at any shooting game we played, as well as basketball. Afterwards I told her, "I figured out why you beat me at basketball and those shooting games. I have terrible aim, but you're a little more Amy."

πŸ‘︎ 116
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mossybeard
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2016
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Engineer puns

Shoot out all your engineer/engineering puns, fellas!

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/punsnproses
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2012
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If I had known that this subreddit existed, I would've shared the tale of Brown Paper Bart with you long ago.

A man is riding his horse through the desert, and, well, he starts to get thirsty. He sees a small town off in the distance, so he sets off in that direction to get some water for his horse and some whiskey for hisself.

Well, as he gets into that little town he starts to notice something peculiar. Not a soul is out. Sun's setting, but still plenty of light. Water in the horse troughs tells him it ain't a ghost town, but folks ain't comin' out for some reason.

Now, as soon as he turns onto the town's main street, he sees a soberin' sight; the sheriff, on a ladder, hammering the last nail into a brand new gallows. He sidles his horse on up to the sheriff and says, "Pardon me sheriff. I don't mean to pry, but pray tell, who're them gallows fer?"

The sheriff looks around, surprised to see someone out. He steps down, takes off his hat and scratches the back of his head thoughtfully, before replying, "Well, I reckon you must be a stranger in these parts. I reckon then that you ain't never heard of Brown Paper Bart. Anyway, we're lynchin' him come sunrise."

"Brown Paper Bart? I reckon not, sheriff. That's a mighty peculiar name, pray tell, whaddaya call him Brown Paper Bart fer?"

"Wayill, I reckon we call him Brown Paper Bart on account 'a the fact that everything he wears is made a' brown paper. His hat's made a' brown paper, his boots is made a' brown paper. His chaps is made a' brown paper, his neckerchief's made a brown paper. Heck dang shoot, even his lunch bag is made a' brown paper!"

The man looks at the sheriff a moment, perplexed, before replying, "Well, sheriff, I reckon that's a mighty peculiar thing for a man to do, but that don't explain these brand new gallows. Pray tell, what're you lynchin' Brown Paper Bart fer?"

[Insert a dad-length pause here.]

"...Rustlin'."

πŸ‘︎ 81
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πŸ‘€︎ u/malenkylizards
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2013
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I wanted a camera for Christmas...

I told my parents I wanted a new camera for Christmas and this is what my dad said.

Dad- "I don't know about this camera idea, you'll shoot your eye out kid."

πŸ‘︎ 138
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JClouse48
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2014
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Is Michael Giacchino the greatest Star Trek Dad Joker in the world?

He must have it in his Genes.

But seriously check out his Star Trek track listings. The guy loves a good pun.

Star Trek

  1. Star Trek

  2. Nailin' The Kelvin

  3. Labor Of Love

  4. Hella Bar Talk

  5. Enterprising Young Men

  6. Nero Sighted

  7. Nice To Meld You

  8. Run And Shoot Offense

  9. Does It Still McFly?

  10. Nero Death Experience

  11. Nero Fiddles, Narada Burns

  12. Back From Black

  13. That New Car Smell

  14. To Boldly Go

  15. End Credits

Star Trek Into Darkness

  1. Logos / Pranking The Natives

  2. Spock Drops, Kirk Jumps

  3. Sub Prime Directive

  4. London Calling

  5. Meld-Merized

  6. The Kronos Wartet

  7. Brigadoom

  8. Ship To Ship

  9. Earthbound And Down

  10. Warp Core Values

  11. Buying The Space Farm

  12. The San Fran Hustle

  13. Kirk Enterprises

  14. Star Trek Main Theme

Star Trek Beyond

  1. Logo and Prosper

  2. Thank Your Lucky Star Date

  3. Night on the Yorktown

  4. The Dance of the Nebula

  5. A Swarm Reception

  6. Hitting the Saucer a Little Hard

  7. Jaylah Damage

  8. In Artifacts as in Life

  9. Franklin, My Dear

  10. A Lesson in Vulcan Mineralogy

  11. MotorCycles of Relief

  12. Mocking Jaylah

  13. Crash Decisions

  14. Krall-y Krall-y Oxen Free

  15. Shutdown Happens

  16. Cater-Krall in Zero G

  17. Par-tay for the Course

  18. Star Trek Main Theme

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thegeneral400
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2018
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The Dictator

So here's the setup: I recently started working for a taxi cab company. It's surprisingly lucrative, and a shitload better than McDonalds.

So I'm working, and I'm parked in front of a bar, hoping that a fare is gonna knock on my window, when about twenty feet or so in front of me, I see a very good friend of mine. I shout, and we spend the next few minutes shooting the breeze. A fare knocks on my window, and I driver her to where she needs to go.

After, I'm driving back to that bar, and I get a call from my friend, asking if I had another fare lined up. I didn't so he told me to come back, he's got a group for me. They get in the car, and these guys start bugging the shit out of me. Which I can handle. What I can't handle is when they start dealing each other cocaine in my back seat. At that point, I'm just livid. I tell them to give me my money and get the fuck out of my car.

Later, I chat my friend up on Facebook. I tell him that I'm super-grateful that he got me a fare, but to please not ever put those particular assholes in my car again. And since our relationship is built on surreal humor and snark, I start expanding the list. Those assholes. Colombian drug lords. Justin Beiber. Kim Jong-Un. Please, no Korean dictators.

"But what about a penis-shaped potato?"

I'll admit, that one threw me for a loop. But I tell him that potatoes are fine, regardless of shape, size, color, or type.

At that point, I could almost hear him laughing as he typed "Excellent. Instead of a dictator, I'll send you with a dick tater."

I was so pissed off I had walked straight into that one.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoldierOfTruth
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2015
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The Gun Show

I went to a gun show last weekend, and they were interviewing the NRA chairman on some new gun laws. They wanted to get people excited, so they shot t-shirts out into the audience with a t-shirt gun. They wanted to shoot money instead, but they were told they couldn’t use the money gun; it was a Cash .22.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Patisfaction
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2017
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For Those of You Who Remember High School Math

If you play with complex conjugates,

you'll shoot your i out.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dolphin11742
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2013
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Got hit with this gem tonight in Key West

So I'm on vacation with my SO. Wasn't much into drinking tonight so he went out to shoot some pool and have a few drinks.

Comes home a few hours later, ask him how his night was.

"It was good, played two games against myself. No one wanted to play"

"Oh yeah, how'd that go?"

"Great! I won both games."

Did I mention that I'm pregnant? With twins?

Yep, this would be my boyfriend's first dad joke. As a dad. Too cute <3

Edit: autocorrect is my enemy.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/letsgosmokess
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2015
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How do you know if a sniper likes you?

He misses you

πŸ‘︎ 304
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kingaudino
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2019
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