But I'm not a fan...
But she was able to Bridget so easily
That woman was shampoozled!
His name used to be Fred but my mom beat the F out of him.
"Yes, that seems like common scents."
I guess she’s ghosting me.
And then I saw her face
She told him "I don't want a lot for Christmas".
right up until the moment she became a vigil-auntie.
I answered: "It is, but only margarinely more."
Note: this really happened.
Rough.
But it's growing on me.
- I know some iteration of this joke is posted all the time on here but it's actually true for me and made me chuckle this morning
It's not the first time she's been desieve-ing me.
“I think it’s raining,” he said to his wife.
“No, that felt more like snow to me,” she replied.
“No, I’m sure it was just rain,” he said.
Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing.
“Let’s not fight about it!” the man said. “Let’s ask our guide, Rudolph, whether it’s officially raining or snowing.”
As their tour guide approached, the man said, “Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?”
“It’s raining, of course,” he replied officiously.
But the woman insisted, “I know that it felt like snow!”
The man quietly replied, “Rudolph, the Red, knows rain, dear!"
Well, I just won’t stand for this accusation.
I think he’s Baroque Ken.
Newly expecting father here, will be welcoming our first baby next year
My wife sent me links to a few different strollers she’s interested in, I told her just to pick whichever one she likes most and order it
She says “Well I wanted to go to the store and try them out first”
And without even thinking I replied “I don’t think they’re going to let you ride in the strollers”
I missed all the signs
"6 please. I could never eat 12."
....Heinzsight is 20/20
Martha was burning with curiosity
She said it was just a bunch of stuffy people.
She likes it because there’s no strings attached.
She's really been wearing me down.
She called it with mine and could faintly hear it but took her a minute to find. I asked where it was and she said it was under her duffel bag. I said “more like muffle bag.”
Longest silence and longest continuous eye contact ever recorded in our relationship.
“Currently”
She seamstressed.
She visited the famous Prince of the East: Prince Merling.
As soon as she arrived, Prince Merling dropped to one knee and kissed her hand.
"Franklina! No one is as beautiful as you!"
The woman looked down at him and said, "Prince Merling, everyone calls me Frankly. Please call me that."
"Yes, my dear. Whatever you want. I wish to marry you! What would you like, anything in the world I will give it to you."
She paused, completely taken aback by the caring nature of the prince.
"Well the one thing I'd like is a massive area of water. I want it to be built by man. I want it to keep all this water together so it can be drunk by millions of people."
The Prince's face turned from excitement to disappointment.
“What’s wrong? Don’t you think this is a good idea?” she asked.
He stood slowly to his feet. Finally, with tears in his eyes he told her softly:
"Frankly, my dear, I don't give a dam."
I said "well, she just dropped it, so I'm gonna guess it's floor dollars."
My daughter actually gave me a fist bump for that one, which she now denies doing.
I told her: No, it's growing on me
But the sidewalk sure cracked up
“I think you mean Toe-laf”.
I told her you need to listen to The Rolling Stones because you can’t always get what you want.
I think she's a keeper.
Jeez, I make a perfectly good vampire joke and that's the fangs I get.
All she could say was, “why?”
To celebrate, we invited all the family and friends we could to my parents' house and then made the big announcement. Everyone was ecstatic and my father in particular was driven to tears. At a certain point during the night he pulled me aside and led me into his study, which I had never really been inside until this point. He opened a safe and produced cigars a bottle of whiskey and a large, beautifully bound book.
"I could never have asked for a better son," my father said, lighting the cigars and pouring the whiskey. "I hope you think I was a good enough father to deserve you."
“Of course, Dad," I said, "You were all I could've asked for and I wish my son admires me even half as much as I admire you."
“Now I've shared with you nearly everything I know," he said, "But not this one thing. This is the Big Book of Dad Jokes. There are many like it but this one is special. My father gave it to me when your mother and I first found out she was pregnant with you, and I studied it and studied it, learning all the dad jokes I could and mastering book's secrets. I hope it serves you as well as it served me in being a father... No... I know it will serve you well. I love you, my son."
“Dad... I don't know what to say... I'm honoured..."
“Hi Honoured, I'm Dad."
“There's no regret If I had to do the same again I would, my friend, For a Nandos.”
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced. "Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."
She is a victim of Rachel profiling.
It drives her up the fucking wall
A chilly dog
So there's a farmer relaxing on his porch one evening, watching the road in front of his house. A little bunny rabbit hops out of the woods onto the road, just sniffing around.
Well all of a sudden a bright red convertible roars up. There's no time for the rabbit to doge, and the convertible squashes it into a roadkill pancake!
The convertible screeches to a halt down the road a bit, and out hops a blonde. She dances wildly around the bunny's corpse saying things like "oh my gosh" and "I think I killed it" and "I hope this doesn't go on my insurance", then she runs back to her car and grabs a spray can of something and starts going to town with it on the rabbit. I mean this pancake bunnyrabbit corpse is simply soaked in whatever she's spraying it with. She empties the entire can, throws it on the side of the road and runs back to her car.
After she peels out, there's a pause, and then the rabbit comes back to life! It reinflates, hops up and looks around, dazed, and then it waves at the farmer!! It hops down the road a little, turns back, and waves again! This continues until it's out of sight.
Well the farmer is understandably flabbergasted, so he runs over to where there had just been a rabbit pancake to look at what was in the can.
He picks it up, and reads it. It says "Hare restorer and permanent wave."
I'm training for this ahead of time.
Edit #1: Thank you reddit. I think you ensured I will be getting divorced. Don't let up, it's full steam ahead.
Edit #2: My wife hates train puns. I sent her screen shots. She's on to my loco-motives.
Edit #3: I'm speechless. Largely because it's like 6am and I want to stay quiet to not wake up my wife, she's out coal'd, snoring like a freight train. I feel like you all really railed it with these jokes. I hope that she doesn't chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga choose choose to divorce me. I couldn't wait until the train ride. I told my wife some of the jokes. I working on a YouTube compilation of them from last night. I feel like she conducted herself quite well.
Edit #4: [These jokes were off the rails. Here is the YouTube link of my wife's reaction so far.] (https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ)
Edit #5: I'm about to start training.
