I've been hosting a quiz...

...and we have players from all over the world.

Last night, the team from Madrid cleaned up, they got 100%. Everyone was completely shocked.

Nobody expected the Spanish in our Quiz Session.

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πŸ“…︎ May 07 2020
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When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.

We call it our Con Den session.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Allgen
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2020
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I’m seeing a therapist for my kleptomania.

I’m taking away something valuable from each session.

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CheeseheadDave
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2020
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If Icecube got into a fight with strangers what will the session be called?

Ice breaking session

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PanPitza
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2019
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A police officer walks into a tattoo parlor

A police officer walks into a tattoo parlor, hoping to get something cool drawn onto his shoulder. He walks up to the artist and shows him a picture of what he wants. In large text on a ribbon it says, "Protect and Serve." Below it, is a picture of a a badge, a pair of handcuffs, and a pistol. The tattoo artist is very good at his job, and says he can get this done in one session, so the officer sits down and the artist gets started. A few hours later, the artist is just finishing up, inking the last details of his service weapon. Once the last line is inked on the trigger, the cop gets up from his chair and looks in the mirror to see his new tattoo. His face twists into a look of shock and terror, pulls out his gun and opens fire onto the tattoo artist, killing him in the process. He gets on his radio, calling for backup, and took a defensive position until a few more cops and the police chief showed to the parlor minutes later. The chief, while examining the scene asks the officer, "What the hell? Why did you shoot this guy?" The cop says, "What did you expect me to do? The guy drew a gun on me!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2019
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My boyfriend got me good.

Scene: Bf was getting ready for a skate session and discovered a tiny pocket in the back on the waistband of his shorts intended for keys.

Me: Don't put your keys there, you might fall and get stabbed in the kidneys.

Bf: It's cool, I still have two adult knees.

Me: Oh my god.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fionananana
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2013
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I got the tickets to a talk show, organised by a group of robbers, at a heavy discount

It was a ConSession.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dadNigga
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2019
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A mother and her son attend a yoga class.

After 30 minutes of the session the mother says, β€œI’m going to go. My back is really sore.”

The son replies, β€œNamaste.”

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HowToGod
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2018
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A Dungeons & Dragons Related Dad Joke...

I'm currently running my players through a D&D adventure titled "Curse of Strahd".

Last session, my players found a journal revealing details about the main villain, Count Strahd Von Zarovich. When they acquired it, I passed the adventure book over--opened up to an illustration depicting the journal's pages--and one of the players proceeded to read. After struggling for a bit, he said, "I'm having a tough time reading this cause it's so cursive."

Yes," I responded. "It's the cursive Strahd."

I had that one chambered and ready for weeks, just waiting for the right moment.

What my players don't know is that I'm also going to include a few other bits of flavor for my them to find as they progress through the game:

  • A fancy handbag with the initials "SVZ" hammered into the leather... the "purse of Strahd"
  • A grave in which the Von Zarovich family nanny is buried... the "nurse of Strahd"
  • A carriage very obviously built to accommodate Strahd's coffin... the "hearse of Strahd"
  • A book full of poetry written during Strahd's younger days, before he was consumed by darkness... the "verse of Strahd"
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πŸ‘€︎ u/transplantasian
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2016
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[REQUEST] Help me name my TV show.

I'm in the process of getting a show on the local public access channel started. It's going to be a weekly recording studio session that showcases local bands. Most of the paperwork is done, I just need a snappy title. The best I can come up with is "The Here Canal," but I think /r/puns can do better!

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wkuechen
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2013
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My DnD party mate will make a fine dad one day

So I'm in this DnD party. There are six of us including the DM. Chris is the DM, and the other major player here is Shawn: what you need to know about him is that his character has three arms, plus a bionic one.

Chris: after Shawn has been attacked by a flying enemy and thrown off a pier So you're now in the water. What are you going to do?

Shawn: Does this affect my bionic arm?

Chris: No, you waterproofed it last session, remember?

Shawn: Oh, right. That's handy.

All: groan

πŸ‘︎ 99
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πŸ‘€︎ u/teuast
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2014
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One of the upper managers said "I do a lot of work in spreadsheets"

I responded "Would you say you excel at it?"

The collective groan of everyone else during the training session made it all worth it

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dewhashish
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2014
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I'm going to crush and preserve some strawberries with the Red Hot Chili Peppers later on today...

We're having a jam session.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BeardFM
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2016
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Got dad joked.

DM'ING a D & D session. Player 1: Talking about one of the books There's no appendix in this book? Player 2: No, the appendix was removed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/villescrubs
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2017
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Do you hold dead people?

My brother swallowed wrong, causing him to go into a cough session.

Brother: cough cough

Dad: Do you hold dead people?

My brother and I give him a confused look

Dad: Because your coffin

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2016
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A cautionary tale for the holidays from my uncle Ron

With the holidays upon us, I would like to share a personal experience with you about drinking and driving. The following experience was a first for me, and I hope you won't mind my "preaching" to you about it.

As you may know, a few of us have been known to come close to brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session".

Well, two days ago Christina and I were out for an evening with friends. We had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. I was feeling jolly, but I still had the sense to know that I was probably over the limit.

That's when I did something that I've never done before in my entire life - I took a cab home. Well, Christina doesn't drive so this seemed the logical option.

Sure enough on the way home there was a police sobriety checkpoint, but since we were in a cab they waved us through and we arrived home safely without incident.

This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before. I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage, I don't know what to do with it. Any advice?

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!!

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fortbuild
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2013
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Properties!

My dad is a trainer. In one of his training session, during introduction, a guy introduced himself and said, "I am in properties"(referring to his business). Dad replied,"Wonderful! I am in properties as well." "How", the guy asked. Dad said, "What do you call a 1 BHK apartment? A property. Right?" "I live in a 4 BHK." The guy stood up and left the room.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SitaRum
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2016
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My dad literally just made a dad joke.

He was talking about my best planking times (because he likes to keep me athletic) while looking through a record of my planking times, and believed that I could have worked for a longer duration on one session.

I said, " Yeah, I just got bored."

He retorted, "You didn't get board, you got plank."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/falafelthe3
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2015
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Professor dad jokes entire conference

We're at a research conference this week, and my professor was the session chair. He started out with "we all know that H2O is water, but - and I want you to really think about this - what is H2O4?" He then shows a diagram of the molecule for us all to ponder. After a minute he says, "so, what is H2O4? For drinking, bathing, washing up..." Cue a room full of groans and chuckles.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Phizzwizard
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2014
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Thought I was immune to dad jokes for a while there, until my dad dropped this one this Easter.

Each member in our family split up the amount of eggs so that we'd get 6 to dye each, two dozen. At the end of the dying session, my sister looks over at my dad's 6 eggs and we see he's got one white egg left. My sister wants an extra egg if he's not going to use it and asks if she can dye the egg. He looks at her like she's lost her mind and said he dyed all of his eggs, there isn't one left. This banter goes on for about 5 or 6 minutes with all of us insisting he has a leftover egg to dye. Finally, he looks down and says "oh do you mean this one?" Pointing to the white egg. We all let out an exasperated "YES!" He turns to is all, with the big old dad smirk on his face and says, oh no that one's done, I put that one in the white dye. groans all around.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ujelly_fish
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2014
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My wife is at a conference for work and took some time to respond to a text...

Her: "Sorry, I was at an evening session." Me: "Ah, so now can you even?"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotActuallyMyName
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2015
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Post breakup dad jokes can hurt... But damn they can be funny..

Significant other recently dumped me to heal some personal life issues alone. Call the family and explain the situation, tell them that bf was sadly a recovering drug addict.

Go home to enjoy a mom daughter weekend. Bad dad joke ensues.

Dad calls: What are you and your mom up to today? Me: We just finished a manicure pedicure session. Dad: I thought you just got rid of one of those? Me: ...what?.. Dad: A man-to-cure. Me: .....Face palm. Okay dad... That was pretty good.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/schatraw10
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2015
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Rugby dad

At my daughter's university yesterday for a summer preview day. In a parent 's session on student activities, we were talking about the rugby clubs when one of the dads remarks, "Is it true that the coach of the women's rugby team is named Eleanor. You know, Eleanor Rugby."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/anyeyeball
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2015
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My history teacher cracked this one

We were doing early morning review sessions for AP euro. I was running late and instead of cooking breakfast, I just grabbed a package of ramen noodles to eat in review.

While in review, I was happily munching on my 'breakfast' when my teacher walked up to me. The following conversation ensued.

Teacher: What are you eating?

Me: Just some ramen.

Teacher: Raw?

Me: Yeah, I like it raw.

Teacher: You don't cook it?

Me: Sometimes when I have the time.

Teacher: Well, you know, if you cooked it, it wouldn't be RAWmen.

groan

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gazzy7890
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2014
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So dad took a knife sharpening class...

When he got home I asked him what he thought of the session. He says "the material was incredibly dull, and there was no point in the end."

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/barthm1
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2015
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Dadjoked my brother's roommate

While visiting my brother at college, he roommate came and started talking with us. He proceeded to pick up one of his dumbbells and start doing some curls. He then tells me, 'I like to fuck around with this thing from time to time." My response, 'Well I hope you clean it after each session." My brother could barely hold back his laughter while the roommate starred at me then shook his head.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LucysLubeJob
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2014
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Tutu

I work in IT for a school district. I was responding to a work order for a teacher at a Jr. High and he had a class in session so I stood quietly in the back until he had a free moment.

Teacher was explaining the objective for the day: "2-1 (two one is blah blah blah), and 2-2 (two two is blah blah blah)

Student: heh you said tutu

Teacher: tutu, yeah I like the ballet. (He makes a curtsy and it was funny because he is a larger guy). I was so hungry once I ate the tutu and it hurt my ballet (as he pats his tummy).

It took a second and the class burst out in laughter.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thai_mish
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2014
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