Hey guys, I was wondering if I could use jars like this for fermenting sauerkraut? http://i.imgur.com/S8pGQB0.jpg

They have a pretty good seal, I'm having trouble finding any information on using this kind of jar though (because I don't really know what they're called. Candy jar? Cookie jar? I can't find much).

I'm very forgetful (adhd) so I am worried about forgetting to let the gas out of any jar that is all sealed up, this jar seems good coz it has a fairly tight seal but I think the lid would just pop off if too much gas built up.

What think you, grand fermenters of Reddit?

Alright listen up libTURDS cuz this is big. I was at the Kroger in Dearborn when I saw a muslim walking out of the store with two bags of Lays potato chips- one pimento cheese flavored and the other a low sodium variant of the barbecue sauce flavor- a box of candy bars, some ingredients for homemade sauerkraut, some ice cold co cola, a sex goat, and three white christian babies for sacrificing. As he scratched his long unwashed graying beard while eyeing the goat’s tender asshole, I recalled my friend Doug “The Slug” Derggis had told me muslims worship the sun, which they call “aloha”. They will not let you draw their god nor gaze upon him because that is “harambe”. As a red blooded, steak chewin, Pabst-fueled American, I knew it was my right- nay, my obligation- to send this muslim back to where he came from.

“Hey you!” I called and pointed at the heathen. As he turned to look at me, I stared into his beady little devil worshiping eyes and then looked straight up into the sun. He stopped, and watched me for a minute. Surely his mouth was agape as I stared unblinkingly into the face of his false god.

“Durka durka booga ooga” he eventually was able to spit out, which my years of counterterrorism training have lead me to understand means “sir, don’t do that you’ll go blind.”

But I will not be blinded by some false god. Tears welled up in my eyes and my periphery faded to black, but I was not deterred. I stared valiantly into that fiery construct of the muslim Zionist shadow governments.

“Go back to where you came from. Tell them what you saw. Tell them America will not be deterred. We’re coming for you. We’re coming for aloha. And we will kill him.”

Now I could see the sun was becoming visibly darker. My staring mocked their god; made him weak. I could barely keep my eyes open, but I persevered until everything was black. I knew the muslim was still there. I could hear his goat bleating as it’s asshole was ripped open by a muslim penis.

“Go!” I commanded, and he took off.

I had killed his god, but in doing so I had plunged the world into total darkness. Sometimes sacrifices must be made for the greater good of America. You’re welcome.

I'm still looking for a winner for Q!

Do you know your ABCs? I’m giving out 26 platinums to 26 users - each with a username starting with a different letter of the alphabet.

To enter, comment below with the first letter of your username and the most delicious meal you can describe starting with that letter.

For example:

D - dark chocolate cake dripping with creamy ganache and topped with raspberries.

Winners

A: Apple pie with caramelized garnished via lemonade ice cream and fresh cherry. Prepared by u/Asim-Tahir

B: Bananas Foster prepared freshly at an elegant restaurant tableside. The bananas are sliced just right (about 1 cm in thickness) and caramelized to a beautiful golden color with brown sugar and flambéed with Grand Marnier Cordon Rouge. The delectable banana is placed over slightly softened house made Madagascar vanilla bean ice cream. Prepared by u/BiochemBeer.

C: Crispy skinned chicken, cooked with lovely, spicy chorizo sausage, accompanied by creamy potatoes dauphinoise and a big, crunchy salad on the side. Prepared by u/ClemSpender.

D: Dumplings with duck ramen, sesame chicken, rice, spring rolls, and wonton soup. Prepared by u/D23pinfreak.

E: Eggs Benedict, fresh and perfectly poached eggs dripping down the side of a warm toasted English muffin, buttered, with smoked salmon and hollandaise sauce. Prepared by u/eatandsleeper.

F: Filet mignon pan seared in olive oil with garlic and Rosemary with a side of potatoes and Brussel sprouts. Prepared by u/fhkfxbkbdijc.

G: Gingerbread house with decorative green, red, and white icing topped with delicious goodies including gummy candies, chocolate, and candy canes! Prepared by u/go_girl_08.

H: Honeycombs, filled with natural honey on a bed of soft chocolate sponge cake, with little chunks of chocolate-dipped walnuts, and topped with some warm, very good smelling banana-split. Prepared by u/Hypebeast118.

I: Ice cream with a vanilla swirl base covered in brownie bits, snicker bits, peanut bits, and extra warm chocolate drizzle cupped inside of a freshly made chocolate waffle cone. Prepared by u/ivvix.

J: Jalapeño Swiss burger - a big juicy patty with jalapeño slices and melted Swiss cheese, topped with lettuce for more crunch, chopped onions, and ketchup to ease the spice, plus a glass of Mexican coke with freshly squeezed lemon juice on the side. Prepared by u/jacker494.

K: Kung Pao Chicken with pork fried rice, an egg roll and some

The funeral director was asking us what we think Mum should wear in her casket.

Mum always loved to wear sarongs (fabric wraps that go around the torso and drape downward a bit like a long skirt would), so my uncle suggested that she wear a sarong in there.

The funeral director looked a bit confused, as did some of our family members, to which my uncle added:

"What's sarong with that?"

I started laughing like an idiot. He was proud of it too. The funeral director was rather shocked. We assured her, and our more proper relatives, that Mum would've absolutely loved the joke (which is very true).

His delivery was perfect. I'll never forget the risk he took. We sometimes recall the moment as a way help cushion the blows of the grieving process.

--Edit-- I appreciate the condolences. I'm doing well and the worst is behind me and my family. But thanks :)

--Edit-- Massive thanks for all the awards and kind words. And the puns! Love 'em.

I would have a daughter

But Bill kept the Windows

True story; it even happened last night. My 5-year-old son walks up behind me and out of the blue says, "hey."

I turn to him and say, "yeah, kiddo? What's up?"

He responds, "it's dead grass."

I'm really confused and trying to figure out what's wrong and what he wants from me. "What? There's dead grass? What's wrong with that?"

.

.

.

He says, totally straight-faced, "hay is dead grass," and runs off.

I am Ebenezer Bleezer,
I run BLEEZER'S ICE CREAM STORE,
there are flavors in my freezer
you have never seen before,
twenty-eight divine creations
too delicious to resist,
why not do yourself a favor,
try the flavors on my list:

COCOA MOCHA MACARONI
TAPIOCA SMOKED BALONEY
CHECKERBERRY CHEDDAR CHEW
CHICKEN CHERRY HONEYDEW
TUTTI-FRUTTI STEWED TOMATO
TUNA TACO BAKED POTATO
LOBSTER LITCHI LIMA BEAN
MOZZARELLA MANGOSTEEN
ALMOND HAM MERINGUE SALAMI
YAM ANCHOVY PRUNE PASTRAMI
SASSAFRAS SOUVLAKI HASH
SUKIYAKI SUCCOTASH
BUTTER BRICKLE PEPPER PICKLE
POMEGRANATE PUMPERNICKEL
PEACH PIMENTO PIZZA PLUM
PEANUT PUMPKIN BUBBLEGUM
BROCCOLI BANANA BLUSTER
CHOCOLATE CHOP SUEY CLUSTER
AVOCADO BRUSSELS SPROUT
PERIWINKLE SAUERKRAUT
COTTON CANDY CARROT CUSTARD
CAULIFLOWER COLA MUSTARD
ONION DUMPLING DOUBLE DIP
TURNIP TRUFFLE TRIPLE FLIP
GARLIC GUMBO GRAVY GUAVA
LENTIL LEMON LIVER LAVA
ORANGE OLIVE BAGEL BEET
WATERMELON WAFFLE WHEAT

I am Ebenezer Bleezer,
I run BLEEZER'S ICE CREAM STORE,
taste a flavor from my freezer,
you will surely ask for more.

And then you will all be sorry.

No it doesn't.

Now it’s syncing.

He replied, "Well, stop going to those places then!"

I will find you. You have my Word.

She said how do you know he was headed to work?

“thank you for your cervix.”

Made me smile

...sails are going through the roof.

Mods said I'm a cereal reposter...

But now I stand corrected.

Wait. Sorry, wrong sub.

Wookie mistake.

Theoretical Fizz-ics

A taxi

I said, “That makes two of us.”

so I had to ground him.

He's doing better currently.

And conducting himself properly.

Me: Can we change the subject?

My wife: Okay. More chores around the house need to be done by you.

Who buys gummy worms hoping they’d taste as close to real worms as possible?

He's currently assembling his cabinet.

Because you can’t ‘C’ in the dark