Because anywhere you go, it takes 4 or 5 hours
No dough and lots of cheese.
Currently sat in hospital with a concushion.
But a lot less Gore-y
Because I want to poutine my mouth.
It's a place where everyone knows your name.
No need to remind her every half hour.
Lionel: Hello, is it Mi you are looking for?
He's such a smoothie talker.
#BUYBUYBUY
Re-tarred.
[removed]
Only wanted to chase me the more paper I got.
They've got a lot of Chile on the side
oh wait it hasn't been made yet.
To which I ask him "are you being literal or cymbalic."
It was extremely messy and involved a lot of paperwork.
Because its a little chili.
So my daughter used to be a Dora the explorer fanatic. Loved everything Dora.. So we bought her a kickball with Dora on it.
Thats important to the joke, trust me.
So, we were out in the garage, kicking the ball back and forth, and my daughter saw one of our dogs doing something cute, as dogs are wont to do.
"Daddy! Look! That's adorable!"
I grabbed the ball and said "no, sweetie, thats cute, THIS is a Dora ball!"
Eyeroll from her, and the wife choked on her drink. :)
Tequila Mockingbird
My dad told me this a few months ago. And he loves to remind me of it every week. It is his dadiest dad joke. It makes him so happy and that makes me happy. Hope it made some of you smile!
I responded, "Sorry ma'am, I only wear boxers."
after a long sigh "Very well sir.. have a good day."
I always tell them I'm well aware.
My wife and daughter are working on improving the meringue cookie recipe they are using.
I asked if the batter was better and my wife said yes.
So I asked if it had enough sugar or if it was a bitter better batter.
The look on her face was priceless!
I reminded her that she knew my sense of humor before she married me and went through with it anyway.
“You don’t want to get summer teeth,” he said.
Me: “What are summer teeth?”
Him: “It’s when some are teeth, some are not!”
She smiled, blushed a little and asked, "Why? Because I have so many layers to my personality!?"
"No."
"Oh, OK, something stupid like, you'll cry when you slice me up?!"
"Nope."
"OK! OK! You'd prefer it if I was battered?!"
"Nah."
"You either love me or hate me? I'm good in small doses? I can be a bit overpowering?!"
"No, no and no!"
Exasperated, she shrieked, "Oh, all right then, why?!"
"You smell like an onion!"
...that we're married and live together, so I'd have to see them every day.
Just to remind me why there's no money in there.
..."The backyard is full of them, we don't need any more!"
I replied, "c-h-e-c-k".
Without the cheesiness it'd be empty inside.
Now my high school kid wants me to remind him of Newton's 3rd law of emotion
"Like a bra, not a braai"
-
Based on true events. I had to stop myself from blurting that out.
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Thanks to u/rumbustiousben for reminding me that not everyone knows what a braai is - it's a barbecue in Afrikaans and commonly used as part of English by South Africans
When I was a wee lad, about 5 or 6 , my dad and I went to the beach on a vacation. I, having never seen the ocean, learned many new things, like how tides work, and how there's seemingly billions of white flying rats that the world calls Seagulls.
Fast forward a few weeks to us being back home in Kansas City, MO where no beaches or seagulls are to be found. My dad and I were running errands and found ourselves at the local Target, where in the parking lot I spotted dozens of white birds that looked eerily similar to the Seagulls I had learned about weeks before.
"Dad, what're those?" I inquired
"Oh, son those are called Parkinglotgulls. Yeah they're close cousins of the seagull!"
And that's how I came to call those white birds that flock around parking lots worldwide "Parkinglotgulls" even to this day.
I replied "it must be the rain dear".
http://imgur.com/a/sS59b
Me: Thanks for reminding me.
She told me he reminded her of the Wigs.
Dad: what is the lunchmeat that tastes like hot dogs?
Me: bologna?
Dad: this isn't bologna, son, but a serious question.
