My 7 year old, gazing in wide eyed wonder asked, "Is the Aurora Borealis heavy?"
I said, "No, it's pretty light. "
π︎ 519
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︎ Apr 17 2021
I told my 7 year old daughter, "Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field."
Puzzled she asked, "What's that got to do with anything?
I chuckled, "Well that means....its pasture bedtime. "
π︎ 407
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︎ Apr 18 2021
Once again I've entered the annual tightest hat competition in our town, this year I'm just hoping..
..that I can pull it off.
π︎ 391
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︎ Apr 01 2021
I'm an atheist 11 months out of the year, but in December...
π︎ 10k
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︎ Dec 21 2020
My 6 year old told me this one today. Why do dogs carry bones in their mouths?
Because they don't have pockets.
π︎ 10k
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︎ Mar 14 2021
My boss said to me, βYou are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?β
I said, βIβm not sure. Itβs so hard to keep track.β
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︎ Feb 20 2021
Disclaimer: this is my 5 year old son's joke. He is a dad in the making. "Everest is the biggest mountain. Mount Fuji is the prettiest. Which mountain is the stinkiest?"
π︎ 14
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︎ Apr 22 2021
My 8 year old daughter is a dad in the making
Daughter: Knock knock
Me: Whoβs there?
Daughter: Europe
Me: Europe who?
Daughter: No Iβm not!
Proud papa right now
π︎ 50
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︎ Mar 25 2021
What is the fastest growing city in the world?
Capital of Ireland
It's Dublin everyday
π︎ 7k
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︎ May 16 2021
There will be point in the future when Canada will take over the world.
And then you will all be sorry.
π︎ 9k
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︎ May 01 2021
I hadnβt used my main in around a year but had a reason to burro back in my post history... I had forgotten about this, and I donβt mean to brag but this is the single greatest post Iβve ever made on reddit.
π︎ 25
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︎ Feb 05 2021
Guys, today was my first day in the navy and I felt so lost!
π︎ 10k
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︎ May 05 2021
He gave the toy horses a home in his ___
π︎ 3k
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︎ May 07 2021
A reporter interviewed a 103-year old woman: βAnd what is the best thing about being 103?β the reporter asked.
The woman simply replied, βNo peer pressure.β
π︎ 6k
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︎ Feb 12 2021
I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring my reflection, when I posed this question to my wife of 30 years, βWill you still love me when Iβm old, fat, and balding?β She smiled and answered...
π︎ 22
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︎ Mar 27 2021
True story, just happened, proud of myself: Dog starts barking furiously out of nowhere. Come to the door to see she's startled a pair of guys from a roofing company who've come to fix a hole where squirrels are getting in.
"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."
Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.
π︎ 16k
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︎ Apr 14 2021
Whatβs the difference between in-laws & out-laws?
π︎ 7k
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︎ Apr 28 2021
I tried to explain to my four-year-old son that itβs perfectly normal to accidentally poop in your pants, but heβs not buying it. In fact...
Heβs still making fun of me...
π︎ 85
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︎ Apr 03 2021
My 8 year old just told me this one.. What does the minister say when you marry a computer?
I now pronounce you man and wifi.
π︎ 48
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︎ Apr 25 2021
I looked into taking a trip to Norway in the next ten years...
π︎ 7
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︎ Mar 19 2021
The cast of βFriendsβ got stuck at sea in a boat, but thankfully nothing happened.
π︎ 8k
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︎ Apr 13 2021
In my early years I gave my friend an owl
Back then I used to give a hoot.
π︎ 13
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︎ May 07 2021
From my 7 year old - why was the egg covered in ink?
Because it was being ink-cubated
He came up with this one on his own after hearing another one on this sub.
π︎ 22
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︎ Feb 07 2021
My 9 year old told me this: What happens if you party to hard on May the Fourth?
>! Revenge of the Fifth!<
π︎ 8
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︎ May 08 2021
What flavour is the toothpaste in jail?
π︎ 582
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︎ May 09 2021
My son is starting school next year but is scared because he thinks the other children will pick on him because of his name.
I reassured him, "Don't be silly! Why would anyone pick on you, Someoneyourownsize!?"
π︎ 10
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︎ May 16 2021
I'm at the dentist for the third filling this year....
π︎ 10
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︎ Apr 30 2021
What is the nicest day of the year?
π︎ 4
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︎ Apr 23 2021
Because of the covid-19 lockdowns, every morning for the past year, I announce proudly to my family that Iβm going for a jogβ¦ and then I donβt.
Itβs my longest running joke of the year.
π︎ 7
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︎ May 13 2021
I've just won an award for being the most secretive person of the year.
I can't tell you how proud that makes me.
π︎ 50
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︎ Apr 06 2021
My 16 year old son was in the kitchen baking up a storm when my wife came downstairs. "What are you doing?" she asked him. "I'm going to have a bake sale to buy a car," he answered. "Where on earth did you get that idea? We're in a pandemic! No one is going to buy baked goods!" He said...
"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."
π︎ 17k
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︎ May 06 2020
My boss always laughed at my jokes at work but since the pandemic she never laughs at them in Zoom chats. I asked her why doesn't she laugh at them anymore.
She replied, "Because your jokes aren't remotely funny."
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︎ May 09 2021
Last year i went to paris and tried to climb the tallest building
π︎ 24
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︎ May 04 2021
Santa's helpers are having a competition to see who can wrap the most amount of presents this year.
They are having a boxing match.
π︎ 5
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︎ May 03 2021
My wife works with birds at the zoo. The other day I asked her about the lifespan of a falcon. She said they usually live for about 15 to 20 years.
"I guess that means all the Millennial Falcons are gone."
π︎ 27
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︎ May 04 2021
What's the highest rank in the popcorn army?
π︎ 10k
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︎ Mar 17 2021
The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, "What's happening now?"
"The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!"
"So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear.
"Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"
π︎ 380
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︎ May 14 2021
The fly fishing tournament will not have spectators this year.
But it will be LIVE STREAMED.
π︎ 23
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︎ Apr 08 2021
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for fresh prints
π︎ 314
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︎ Apr 29 2021
They should count all the people in this country that make $40k a year or less
π︎ 5
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︎ Feb 13 2021
From my 70 year old dad: I hung up a map of the US in the kitchen and gave my wife a dart. I told her we would go on a two week vacation wherever she stuck the dart.
Looks like weβll be spending two weeks behind the fridge.
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︎ Dec 13 2020
Lunar new year in Vietnam is celebrated with lion dances, dragon dances, fireworks, family gatherings and meals, ancestor worship, and giving red envelopes to children and the elderly.
Thank you for coming to my TαΊΏt talk.
π︎ 9
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︎ Feb 06 2021
Reflecting on Prince Philip death, I was chatting with the Mrs and I said, I know Iβm getting a little older, but I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.
She got up, unplugged my laptop and threw out my beerβ¦.
EDIT: Thanks for the kind awards... My first ever! β€οΈ
π︎ 4k
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︎ Apr 09 2021
What do you call a polar bear in the jungle?
π︎ 7k
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︎ Mar 04 2021
Once, when working in a store, a man dressed as a a wizard approached the counter...
He said "Do I get any money off for having this big stick?"
I said "No sir, we don't offer staff discount".
π︎ 671
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︎ May 07 2021
I told my daughter, βGo to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.β Puzzled, she asked, βWhatβs that got to do with anything?β I chuckled, "Well, that means..."
"Itβs pasture bedtime!β
π︎ 14k
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︎ Mar 26 2021
My boss said to me "You're the worst train driver ever! How many have you derailed this year?!"
I said "I don't know... it's hard to keep track"
π︎ 498
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︎ Mar 06 2021
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