A list of puns related to "Reach Out for Me"
I am not a dad. I am a daughter. For longer than I can remember, I have called my dad at "too early" times in the morning, woke him up, and told him a joke. This was a daily occurrence. Hence how I found this sub.
My dad died on Monday. You guys helped me wake him up with laughter so many times and I got to hear him laugh every day. Thank you r/dadjokes.
Edit: spelling
Wow I really did not expect so many people to see this post or to take the time to comment and reach out to me. Thank you all so much for your thoughts and kind words. It really means a lot. This is a great community and I'm so glad to have found it. As a mom to two beautiful little jokesters, I will absolutely continue pestering them with daily jokes and keep the tradition and the laughter alive.
For those asking, his favorite jokes were the really long ones that took forever to tell and had bad/ the best punchlines. The one that immediately sticks out was posted here either Sunday or Monday and was the last one I got to tell him. I will see if I can find it and figure out how to link. It was about a farmer who really loved tractors.
Thank you to the kind redditors who found it for me.
https://www.reddit.com/r/dadjokes/comments/slwg7y/bit_of_a_story_to_this_one_but_well_worth_the_read/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
He walked into my room and says, "Hey dad, can you take a picture of me?"
I thought it was a weird request, but said, "Sure."
As I'm reaching for my phone, he pulls out a framed picture of himself from behind his back he had taken off one of our shelves, hands it to me, and says, "Ok, thanks!" and walks out without even cracking a smile.
I stared at that picture for a few seconds in proud silence.
*edit/update* Wow... I woke up this morning and noticed a ton of notifications. This made my 10 year old very happy so thank you. And thank you for the awards as well. Totally unexpected and unnecessary but very appreciated.
“Daddy, where do I come from?”
His poor father started sweating, knowing that one day his son would want to know all about ‘it’. He looked around for his wife to take on the explanation, but she was out at the shops. It was no good, his father thought. ‘It’s time he knew’ and took the young lad to one side and explained how mummy and daddy met and then married and wanted to produce a baby and, well, you know the rest. After much awkwardness and embarrassment, after nearly an hour, the dad finally reached the point in the story where his son was born in hospital. The young boy’s face just stared back, mouth open and speechless. “So, tell me son, why do you ask?”
The boy, still in shock, said. “Billy Clark in our class, said he was from Chicago”
... and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theater followed by drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.
After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
'No,' she replies. 'You just happened to catch my eye.'
Reading the nameplate on her desk the frog begins, “Good morning Miss Whack, my name is Kermit and I need a loan.”
“Okay Kermit, I’ll need some more information, named after your father, the famous muppet, I assume?”
“No, but I get that a lot. It’s Jagger, my dad is the rock star Mick Jagger”
“Oh I apologize Mr. Jagger, didn’t realize Mick had any frog children. The last thing we’ll need is some sort of collateral to guarantee the loan. “
Kermit Jagger reaches into his pocket, pulls out a small plastic elephant and puts it on the desk between them saying “I think this will suffice.”
Looking down in confusion at the trinket she says “this is rather unusual Mr Jagger, I’ll need to consult with my manager.” Shouting into the next office she says, “Bob can you come in here for a second?”
“What’s up Patty?” The manager asks.
“Kermit here just gave me this plastic elephant as collateral for a loan. Have you ever seen anything like this before?”
“Of course” Bob responds. “It’s a knick nack, Patty Wack, give the frog a loan! His old man’s a Rolling Stone!”
DISCLAIMER: not my joke, but I forgot where I heard it from. If any of you know, comment and I'd appreciate it
So a frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller. Her name is Mrs. Wack. He says "Hi, I'd like a loan"
She says "I dont know, you're a frog"
"Well, I want a loan"
"Okay, then. What's your name?"
"Kermit."
"As in "Kermit the Frog" Kermit?"
"No, my parents named me Kermit after Kermit. My name's Kermit Jagger. My father's Mick Jagger and my mother's a frog. Anyways, I want a loan for a lily pad"
"Well, do you have any collateral?"
"Well, I have this..." He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small pink elephant.
"I dont know if I can accept this. Let me go in back and check with my boss"
Mrs. Wack goes into the back office where her boss is sitting.
"This frog came in, he says his names Kermit Jagger. He says he wants a loan and he gave me this as collateral" she holds up the pink elephant and gives it to her boss who inspects it for a moment
The boss turns to her and speaks. "Knick-Knack! Patty Wack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone!"
A cat goes down to his local bar and sits at the counter. The bar tender walks over and asks the cat what will it be? The cat replies " Me thirsty. Me take a beer". Puzzled at the cats response the bartender says OK and fetches him a drink. The bartender comes back with the order and places the drink on the table.
The cat grabs the drinks and says, " Me thank you ". At this point the bartender realizes the cat speaks in 3rd person and thought nothing of it.
He tells the cat that the drink will be 5 dollars. The cat acknowledges the bartender and stands up to reach for his wallet out of his pocket. As he reaches down into his pocket a stranger walking by accidentally steps on the cats foot which caused the cat to shriek in pain.
"ME OW! ME OW! ME OW!"
"Hey, barkeep!" he says, struggling to keep control of his quarry. "Any room for me and my friends?"
The bartender smiles and sets down some plastic cups. The man plops his friends inside, but the cups are too small.
"Um...barkeep?" the man says, pulling them out again. The bartender reaches for some larger mugs, but as he places them next to the cups, it becomes obvious that even these will be too small for the pigs.
Seeing the man struggle to continue holding them, the bartender runs to the kitchen for help.
A cook emerges, holding several large measuring cups. "Sorry, I just used these to make a batch of cheese dip, but they're all yours!"
The man carefully plops each pig into its respective gooey yellow cup.
Arms exhausted, breathing heavily, he drops into a stool at the end of the bar, between his tiny friends and a beautiful girl.
He glances her way, gasping coyly. "Hey...I'm...Tom."
She smiles, having watched the whole ordeal. "Hi Tom, I'm Liz. And if you don't mind me asking..." she laughs, looking over his shoulder, "what was that all about?"
He glances back at the bar. "Yeah...sorry," he pants. "I wanted...to impress you, but...it turned out to be...a pretty cheesy...pig-cup line."
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch," he said, "how much will you charge me?"
The blonde, after looking about, responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should; she was standing on it. Do you think she's dumb?"
"No", replied the wife. "I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all those 'dumb blonde' jokes."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
When he got there, a woman extended her hand.
"Good afternoon, sir," she said. "My name is Patricia Wack. How may I help you today?"
Kermit replied, "Hi-ho, Patricia! I'm Kermit the Frog, and I would like to borrow some money."
They walked over to her desk and sat down.
"Certainly, Mr. Frog--"
"Oh, just call me Kermit."
"Okay... Kermit. How much money would you like to borrow?"
"Ten thousand dollars."
Mildly surprised, Ms. Wack looked intently at Kermit.
"Do you have any references?"
"Well, I suppose I could use my father, Keith Richards."
Ms. Wack froze for a second, then...
"THE Keith Richards?"
"Oh, yes. In fact, he told me he's friends with your manager, which is why I came in here."
"Okay... Do you have any collateral?"
"Excuse me?"
"Collateral. Something of value, like a car, or a boat..."
"Oh, yes! I do have something. I have this."
Kermit reached into his briefcase and placed a small figurine on the desk. Patricia looked curiously at the object, then at our amphibious friend.
"What's this?"
"It's a Hummel."
"A what?"
"A Hummel. They're supposed to be quite valuable. Well, at least this one is to me."
She picked up the Hummel and stood up.
"If you don't mind, I would like to show this to the manager."
"Oh, no! I don't mind at all!"
So, Patricia took the Hummel to the manager's office, knocked on the door, and walked inside.
"Patricia! What can I do for you?"
"Mr. Wilson, there's this... frog named Kermit at my desk, and he wants to borrow $10,000, but he has only this for collateral."
Mr. Wilson looked at the Hummel, then out to her desk.
"I don't see anything out of order here."
"But, Mr. Wilson--"
"Look, it's a knick-knack, Patty Wack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
After many years of wandering, he finally arrived in a small village in the middle of nowhere. The people there believed in the same religion as he did, but they had no church; they had to go to the nearest one which was in a small town 25 km's from there. The priest took the initiative, asked the Church for support, and with the help of the local men they built their own temple. From there on, he was celebrating the Sunday masses, joining together men and women in Holy Matrimony, and saying prayers at the funerals.
Many years passed by like that.
At the end of an ordinary mass, in early spring, on a chilly Sunday morning he was just guiding the people out of the church, was about to close the gates when an unknown man stepped into the churchyard.
With his dirty and torn clothes, he stood before the priest and said:
Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was a good man, and even though he thought the request was a bit strange, he went back to the rectory, took out a lemon, cut it in half, took it back to the man and gave it to him, who looked back to the priest with gratitude. However, the priest was curious. He asked:
Son, why do you need this half of a lemon? - with a fright on his face, and before the priest could have said a thing, he rushed out of the churchyard gate and took off.
A week later, around the same time, when the priest was leaving the church, he found himself in front of the same man in the churchyard. The man said:
Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was surprised by the appearance of the man and his strange request. Of course he was good, went back to the rectory, and brought the half lemon. Placed it in the stranger’s hand and immediately he asked:
Here it is, my dear son, but please tell me why do you need this half a lemon? - the man was obviously frightened and immediately ran away but the priest was not sluggish either and ran after him. He wasn’t in a very good condition, he has never run so much and so fast before so he was out of breath by the end of the village, almost fainted. He thought the strange man might appear again next week, and it would be nice if he could keep up with him, so he spent his week working on his cardio. It turned out to be a good idea, because as he thought, the stranger entered the churchyard on Sunday. The priest didn’t even wait for the request, he was good, and brought the half lemon. He received these words from the man:
Thank you
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 1 and a half years old and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken among other injuries.
Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??'
Back a few decades, I was working in a program with a local college in the Middle East.
The name of the program for ExPats has the clever acronym of "IDEA" (hey, I said it was clever); which stands for "Inter-Departmental Educational Adjunct". It's interdepartmental because my particular specialty not only covers field geology but also paleontology and a bit of archeology thrown in for good measure. Everyone hopes to have a good IDEA...
ahem...
Well, we saddle up and head for the Dune Sea out in the west of the country, where the Precambrian, Cambrian, Silurian, Cretaceous, Pliocene, Pleistocene, and Holocene crop out and access is relatively easy and non-injurious.
Well, we caravan out, some 30 Land Cruisers, Nissan patrol, and the odd Mitsubishi Galloper strong. We all get our maps, compasses and split up into 5 or 6 special interest groups ("SIG's"); where each IDEA has his own GPS and LIDAR laser ranging apparatus. Reason being, that there are very few benchmarks out in the desert, and even those are constantly at the mercy of the shifting and ever-blowing sands.
Since we're split into groups and at any one time, ranging up to and including some 50 km2, when a real find is located, a device called the "DIME" (Digital-Interface Monitor Encoder) is attached and programmed into the GPS for location later; it is a digital sort of low-frequency transponder, developed from technology used by offshore drillers and jacket setters where benchmarks are even more transitory.
The way it works is rather simple. When something is to be marked for later retrieval, a series of wooden posts are pounded in a triangular manner around the find and the DIME is set, programmed with the GPS and attached to one or more of the posts.
That's the theory, at least.
Everything works well, especially all the hardened electronics and computer gizmos, but attaching the DIME to the stakes is the real problem. It can't be nailed, screwed or fastened with any sort of metal contrivance as that farkles the magnetic field and causes all sorts of goofy spurious signals. Zip ties don't last long in the heat and duct tape is right out. Many sites have been lost to the shifting sands this way.
Velcro doesn't work too well, as the sand fills the hooks of the receiving piece of velcro and soon renders it useless. String or fishing line work, but that's temporary (they melt). Glue or mastic are out as these are supposed to be temporary. Even plastic sleeves don't work due to the heat out
... keep reading on reddit ➡A man came home from work late again, tired and irritated, to find his 5 year old son waiting for him at the door.
“Daddy, may I ask you a question ?”
“Yeah, sure, what is it ?” replied the man.
“Daddy, how much money do you make an hour?”
“That’s none of your business! What makes you ask such a thing?” the man said angrily.
“I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?” pleaded the little boy.
“If you must know, I make $20.00 an hour.”
“Oh,” the little boy replied, head bowed.
Looking up, he said, “Daddy, may I borrow $9.00 please?”
The father was furious. “If the only reason you wanted to know how much money I make is just so you can borrow some to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed. Think about why you’re being so selfish. I work long, hard hours every day and don’t have time for such childish games.”
The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.
The man sat down and started to get even madder about the little boy’s questioning. How dare he ask such questions only to get some money.
After an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think he may have been a little hard on his son. May be there was something he really needed to buy with that $9.00 and he really didn’t ask for money very often.
The man went to the door of the little boy’s room and opened the door. “Are you asleep son?” he asked.
“No daddy, I’m awake,” replied the boy.
“I’ve been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier,” said the man. “It’s been long day and I took my aggravation out on you. Here’s that $9.00 you asked for.”
The little boy sat straight up, beaming.
“Oh, thank you daddy!” he yelled.
Then, reaching under his pillow, he pulled out some more crumpled up bills. The man, seeing that the boy already had money, started to get angry again.
The little boy slowly counted out his money, then looked up at the man.
“Why did you want more money if you already had some?” the father grumbled.
“Because I didn’t have enough, but now I do,” the little boy replied.
“Daddy, I have $20.00 now. Can I buy an hour of your time?”
The father looked upon his son with a smile as he walked towards the door and said "Overtime is double pay."
… u/ebkbk for this post: Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian. made on 24.11. with 38.9k upvotes
[also already made by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes]
Let's move on to the top 3 of each month:
January:
Is this sub still active? by u/I_Fart_Liquids on 01.01. with 36.4k upvotes
Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine by u/daugarten on 20.01. with 30.8k upvotes
An open letter to the mods of r/dadjokes: by u/Alfie_13 on 27.01. with 18.9k upvotes
February:
Was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm. by u/jakeisbill on 05.02. for 20.3k upvotes
My daughter asked me what I'm posting on Reddit... by u/madazzahatter on 25.02. for 18.3k upvotes
When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding. by u/ownworldman on 23.02. for 17.7k upvotes
March:
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought... by u/madazzahatter on 21.03. for 22.2k upvotes
Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes.
[When I reach home, my 1.5 y.o. son rushes out to the gate to sit in my lap while I park the car. Then he just grabs the steering and starts shaking it with brrrmmm brrrmmm sound. His cute antics always make me forget that he's suffering from a rare disease.](https://www.reddit.com/r/da
While this news undoubtedly sucks, I'm trying to take it in stride and em-brace it nonetheless! The recovery will give me the opportunitknee to improve my skills as a sideline player and some extra downtime to expand my abilities in programming and graphic design. I plan to continue at-tendon practices and other events as normal though! So many teammates, past and present, have already been incredibly supportive and reached out to help me; its certainly been a joint effort, and I can't thank you all enough for that. In hindsight, I wouldn't change akneething about attending USA U24 tryouts as tenacity, perserverance, and sacrifice are often the names of the game in pursuit of distant dreams. Ultimately, I guess some things are just liga-meant to be!
Funniest horse puns and jokes
A white horse walks into a pub and asks for a whisky. The landlord says: “Hey, we’ve got a whisky named after you.” The horse replies: “What, George?”
A horse trudges slowly into a pub and orders a drink. “Evenin’” says the barman, “why the long face?”
A horse walks into a smart cocktail bar. The doorman says: “Wait you can’t come in here without a tie.”The horse goes out to his car, looks in the boot and gets a set of jump leads, which he ties around his neck.He goes back in and says to the barman: “This alright?” The barman says: “Hmm, ok… but don’t be starting anything.”
A poorly-looking horse limps into a bar with a bandage round his head. He orders a glass of champagne, a vintage brandy and two pints of Guinness. He downs the lot and says to the barman: “I shouldn’t really be drinking this with what I’ve got?” “Why, what have you got?” “About £2 and a carrot.”
Which side of a horse has more hair? The outside What’s a horse’s favourite TV show? Neighbours
A racehorse owner takes his horse to the vet. “Will I be able to race this horse again?,” he asks The vet replies: “Of course you will, and you’ll probably win!”
Did you hear about the depressed horse? He told a tale of whoa!
A dead horse walks into a bar and orders a whisky.
“I’m sorry, sir,” says the barman. “We don’t serve spirits..
A talking horse walks into a bar and approaches the manager. “Excuse me, good sir,” the horse says, “are you hiring?” The manager looks the horse up and down and says, “Sorry, pal. Why don’t you try the circus?” The horse nickers. “Why would the circus need a bartender?”
Did you hear about the man who was hospitalized with six plastic horses inside him? The doctor described his condition as stable.
What did the horse say when it fell? “I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!”
Q. What does it mean if you find a horseshoe? A. Some poor horse is walking around in his socks.
A man rode his horse to town on Friday. The next day he rode back on Friday. How is this possible? The horse’s name was Friday.
Why did the pony have to gargle? Because it was a little horse!
What did the horse say when it fell? I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!
What did the teacher say when the horse walked into the class? Why the long face?
What do you call a horse that lives next door? A neigh-bo
... keep reading on reddit ➡This was a conversation i had with a friend
friend: Dad jokes aren't good tho
Under any circumstances
me: Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
friend: Commit oxygen not reach lungs
me: What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.
friend: Please
Stop...
I beg of you
me: it's funny cause there's no oxygen in space
friend: I know the point of the joke
me: i was talkin about "Commit oxygen not reach lungs"
friend: Oh my god...
me: one more for good measure
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"my work here is done
friend: Dad jokes are gay
me: i tried to find a gay dad joke
i wasn't very happy with the results
friend: Ha
me: wasn't very happy
friend: Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME!?
me: this has been the best
friend: cri
When I was a kid my grandpa was sitting at out kitchen table while I was trying to reach for marshmallows for Christmas desserts.
The bag of marshmallows ended up falling and hitting me in my face leading to my grandpa saying:
"Watch out for those marshmallows, they travel in packs!"
So there is this land called cheerio land and in cheerio land there are 7 classes of cheerio, 0-5 and the frosted cheerios. Now there is this level 0 cheerio. Hes homeless, living out on the street, probaly an alchoholic. But he falls in love with a frosted cheerio princess. So one day he sneaks into the royal gala and goes up to the princess and asks her "will you marry me?" Now she says "I like your style, youre a good looking guy, a bit scruffy but I like you. Tell you what I will marry you if you can become a frosted cheerio" So our guy goes back with a determination and gets a job and starts to pay off his debts. Now by having a job and his debts paid he becomes a level 1 cheerio. So he works, and he works, and he works, and he WORKS and he finally becomes a level 2 cheerio. Now he goes back to the princess and askes her again, "will you marry me?" she says "no honey you really do have to become a frosted cheerio first." So he goes back and he works and works, hes a fryboy at McGrubers or something, I dont care. So he works and he works and he gets promoted at the restraunt and is making more money. And he works and he works and he works and by having that income raise he finally becomes a level 3 cheerio. He feels sucessful for the first time in his life but he is starting to fall back on his old ways. One day he goes to the casino and he loses and he loses and he loses and he gambled all his money away and he gets fired to boot because gambling is against company policy. So he is back down to a level 1 cheerio. He gets a job on a production line at a nearby factory and determines himself not to fall back ever again. So he works and he works and he works and he works and he WORKS, level 2, level 3, and he is doing great again. He is promoted to Floor manager of the factory and he is doing great and becomes a level 4 cheerio. But then one day a rival company sabotages their operation by putting poison in their toothpaste or whatever the hell they were making. They have to pay out damages and PR and the like and they declare bankruptcy. He is knocked back down to level 2 for the lack in income. But he is hired almost straight away by a branch of a huge conglomerate because they recognized how hard of a worker he is. So he works, level 3, works, level 4, and he works and works and WORKS. So he is promoted t
... keep reading on reddit ➡And he's not letting anyone go home at reasonable hours or take leave until the big project's . He's been working early mornings and late nights . It's been going on for weeks. they're all tired and homesick. I haven't had a meal with him at home all month which really sucks because he was a great laugh at dinner time. Even when I do see him he's too overworked to even think straight.
Anyway, yesterday Phil, one of his workmates had a brilliant plan.
He turned to my Dad and said to him; "I've had enough of this crap, I'm going home and calling in sick for the next couple of days!"
My dad is amazed. "Phil!" he says, "You can't do that - you'll get sacked!"
"Don't worry, mate," says Phil, "I've got it all worked out." tapping his nose. Out of the blue he reaches up and grabs the ceiling fan (It was off) and hangs upside down from it. My dad has no idea what's going on and tries to ask him, but Phil doesn't answer.
Eventually the boss walks in and asks "Phil - what the Hell are you doing?"
"I'm a lightbulb." replies Phil.
The boss is surprised and realises the guy needs to go home and sends him off for a couple of days. All of a sudden my Dad gets up too and walks away.
"What do you think you're doing?" says the boss.
"You don't expect me to work in the Dark do you?" replies my Dad.
I set my items on the counter, and the cashier starts ringing them up one after another while I wait patiently. I notice the guy in line behind me a few people still acting a little weird, antsy is how I would describe it.
Anyways, the cashier snaps me out of my thoughts by telling me my total and as I go to reach for my wallet, I see the guy dashing out the door.... as in transfixed on his fleeing image, my hand reaches my pocket and I realize he's stolen my wallet!
I make a mad dash for him, chasing him down in the middle of the parking lot. He reaches his vehicle at the other end and as he hops in, I catch up to him and I'm able to grab his leg. I start pulling his leg and pulling his leg harder and harder trying to get him out.
I keep pulling his leg very similarly to how I've been pulling your leg for the last minute.
There are three classes of cheerios, the lower class (plain ol' cheerios), the middle class cheerios (frosted), and the elite class (honey nut). One soggy morning in Seattle, a plain cheerio awoke in his single room apartment. He looked out at the still sleepy city, blanketed in a mist of rain. He quickly got dressed and put his shoes on, this would be the day. He stood propped against the bus stop, smoking a cigarette. "God I have got to stop this habit." He thought to himself. Glancing back and forth at the bustle of cheerios, he saw her. She looked about 25, devastatingly gorgeous, and he could smell the honey from where he stood. "Excuse me ma'am," his voice quivered, "I - I think you might be the most beautiful cheerio I have ever seen." She smiled and her otherwise golden brown face grew red. " This is a long shot, but will you marry me?' She was obviously caught off guard by this, but her red lips formed the word, "Yes." They raced through the morning mist of the city, and arrived at her fathers house. The cheerio bent down in front of her father. "Sir, I would like to ask for your blessing in marrying your daughter" "No! You are a regular cheerio and my daughter needs a high quality honey nut" he snapped. "But sir." "No means no damnit!" "Sir this is very unrea-" "You come back a honey nut and you'll have my blessing, my daughter is not about to marry a low life like you." The cheerio sprinted home, tears streaming down his face. He fumbled against the lock and sprawled out on his bed. When he awoke it was early, his sheets had a dark silhouette from his wet jacket. He sat up and lit a cigarette. "Damn." he sighed to himself. Walking in front of his mirror, he noticed something different. His body was frosted! He had become a frosted cheerio! He darted out the door without shoes, reaching the honey nut household in no time at all. He banged on the door, and the beauty's father answered. "Sir I am a changed cheerio! I'm frosted!" he exclaimed. Her father had a stern look on his face. "You think you are any better? The dirt on my boots are worth more than you." he hissed. The old honey nut slammed the door on the young frosted. He heard the deadbolt click. The newly frosted cheerio didn't take the same way home. He stood on the edge of a bridge, feeling the cool autumn wind on his sugar coated skin. Was he really going to go through with this? Was it worth it? No he was a frosted cheerio now. He couldn't get the girl, but he was a changed cheerio. He
... keep reading on reddit ➡He brought me an apple he cut up and put on a plate. I said thanks and reached for it... and he instead put it on this weird ledge that sticks out next to my door.
"Hey, have a snack....
...it's on the house."
So I happen to be grocery shopping along with my dad in a Target store. Not much to pick up but two of the items we needed were thyme and milk. They happen to be within a few feet of each other in the same cooled location. We both see the thyme first, but I am the one who happens to grab it. I reach for the first one in a long line of cases of thyme and something must have happened where it was too tightly loaded in the spring rack so that when I grabbed the one, the spring shot and about five more flung out, some landing on the floor, some breaking open on the shelves. I see the mess made and, admittedly selfishly, said "Not my problem" and walked over the get the milk (2% organic for context). I grab the milk and walk back over to see my dad picking up the mess. I walk closer. I look at him, he looks at me and he ignites the funny bomb that was rummaging through his brain for the last 20 second waiting for me to arrive:
"Well, now you know how thyme flies."
Hello fathers and fellow lovers of dadjokes! I am in need of your collective wit. You see, my friends did not get the hint that it was a bad idea to do this last time, and yet have foolishly asked me to house sit for them again. I've decided to prank them again (because I'm a wonderful friend), and this time I am turning their house into a house of puns. I need puns I can practically make. Here are a couple examples:
"While you guys were out I think your milk went bad..." draw on milk carton a bandanna, scruff, and a gun tucked into its logo
Move any of their jars in front of their bedroom door.
A map starting from their router.
Things like that. They have a pool, two labs, but otherwise have a pretty standard living arrangement. However, I don't want to mess with their computers as their occupations have some sensitive materials on them.
I struggled with what sub to reach out too with this post, so thank you all who reddit. You're fantastic folk, the lot of you!
MAN LAWS
The International Rules of Manhood
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss' car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.
4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.
12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding
... keep reading on reddit ➡I'm reaching out on behalf of an old golf buddy of mine who needs some help! His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help him get an erection. When he came back, he handed her some diet pills. Anyway, he's looking for a place to live. Let me know if you anyone can help.
We've been burning a lot of junk wood and had a huge pile of ashes. (Works better when you imagine it spoken out loud)
Me: What am I supposed to do with all these ashes?
Dad: Use them to catch a bear!
Me: what?
Dad: Well, you dig a big hole and put all the ashes in the bottom. Then you line the hole with peas. When the bear reaches for the peas, you kick him in the ash hole!
I told him his dad jokes are getting better.
... and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theater followed by drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.
After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
'No,' she replies. 'You just happened to catch my eye.'
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