what do you call a reptile with a stock portfolio? an invested-gator
or when he shows up immediately? an insta-gator
and if he's well-dressed? and in-vest-gator
Count Dracula is a terrible project manager...
... He always avoid the stakeholders.
My boss walked into my office this morning and handed me a brochure on anger management.
A good project manager makes updates.
A bad project manager makes up dates.
After a bad diy project, a load of books fell on my head.
I have only my shelf to blame.
Why did Sharon ask to speak to the manager?
My dad was born with a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
I have an uncle, once removed.
An English ship on the way to Germany suddenly starts making water and is about to capsize.. After some trying they finally manage to reach the coastguard "We're sinking, we're sinking!!"
.. A confused but also quite curious voice responds.. "What are you sinking about?"
Why did the bank manager close the door?
Ole and Lena were driving home from town when Ole hit a momma skunk and managed to miss her 3 babies.
Lena could not leave them on the side of the road so they scooped the babies up and put them in the car. As they drove the baby skunks managed to make their way from the floor up Lena's dress and settled on her lap. Lena looked at Ole and said "the skunks are under my dress". Ole said "Zat's OK dear zey are settled down". Lena said "Vhat about the smell?". Ole said, "Oh, don't worry dear they will get used to it!"
My new job at the nuclear reactor requires me to take anger management classes.
They're to prevent meltdowns.
Vampires make great project managers
They always try to keep stake holders happy
After all this home schooling, my kid finally lost control
This popped in my head a few days ago. Why did the baker freak out after his latest project?
Because what he made was stolen!
Day being the MANager
Someone called asking if an Amanda works here. Sorry no Amanda works here.
But a man does work here.
Why did Karen press CTRL + ALT +DEL?
She wanted the task manager
"I’ve managed not to move for an entire week"
"What do you want, atrophy?"
Why do managers never go bowling with their employees?
Because they are afraid of them striking
A book never written: "Properly Managing Body Odor"
My boss asked me if I could manage the tills.
So I told them to serve the queue and walked off.
I went to a job interview today and the interviewer asked me "what is your greatest weakness?". I said "I am too honest"
He said "I don't think that's a weakness"
"Well I don't give a f* what you think"
In light of his record with these mega-projects, Elon Musk's proposed new Miami-tunnel gives new meaning to the term
"car-pool tunnel syndrome."
My manager thought the smoothie I shared with them was a little too thick...
... They thought it was more of a "roughie"
I arrived early to the restaurant. The manager said do you mind waiting a bit? I said no.
Good, he said. Take these drinks to table nine.
The project management office tried to open a pharmacy but went out of business due to poor sales of mouthwash.
Couldn't believe I got funding for my new bedding and rope project.
Wife: "I accidentally fell asleep while grading my student's projects."
Me: "I guess everyone's getting Z's"
I managed to do 60 push-ups this morning
Working on a home construction project and felt like relaxing with drink. Of course it's unsafe to mix alcohol with power tools.
Which is why I mixed my drink with a spoon instead.
Lancelot: Men, this is a project where we all need to work together.
Arthur: Unite?
Lancelot: Yes I am.
Why can you never trust a hedgefund managers fashion advice?
They claim to love shorts but are always seen in pants.
Look at this good managing!
I am ashamed to admit the following occurred during project management training today:
We had begun a section on 'change management', and to prove his point, the facilitator challenged us to try to name one thing that does not involve change.
I proudly shouted out "A CREDIT CARD!"
He looks at me and asks, "A... credit card?"
I reply, "Yes. There is no change when paying with a credit card..."
I managed to catch all the Pokemon listed under M in the Pokédex
When I was digging through the wardrobe on the weekend, I managed to find a present for the kids that I wrapped in a box last year and forgot to give them. Bargain
Can't wait to see their faces when they realize they have a puppy.
What do you call a fuzzy ceramics project?
My manager gave me a disappointed look when he saw my doodle.
I need help coming up with “bear” puns for a school project
Trying to think these up has been unbearable
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So, I have an uncle, once removed.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at work.
So, I have an uncle, once removed.
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