Why do skeletons make good pastors?

They’re impervious to the pleasures of the flesh!

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Hephsters
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2021
🚨︎ report
David Hasselhoff walked into a bar and ordered a drink.

β€œIt’s a pleasure to serve you, Mr. Hasselhoff”, said the bartender.

β€œJust call me Hoff”, he replied.

β€œSure”, said the bartender, β€œno hassle”.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MGreenMN
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
🚨︎ report
After getting married, the woman filed for divorce the very next morning...........

Judge: "I don't understand, what happened?"

Woman: "I work in a pharmacy. I met him when he first came there last week and asked to purchase an X-X-X-X-L condom. That's when I thought, for a happy pleasureful life, I should get him to marry me before any other girls find out and lap him up."

Judge: "ok.... then? "

Woman: "I held my excitement all day thru the wedding, waiting for the night..... so at night when I my curiosity couldn't wait any longer........I found out something."

Judge: "what?"

Woman: "the Bastard has speech disorder.... he STAMMERS!!"

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ball5deeper
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2020
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend thanked me for the videos I sent her from my masturbation session.

The pleasure was all mine.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FrogOnALeash
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Joke I came up with today

So this surgeon always posts pictures of the masks he wears during his surgery on Instagram. He does this every single time he has a surgery, and his nurses can never understand why. Eventually, he garners a massive following on Instagram. So, he goes into his supervisor's room, and he says, "Hello, it's a pleasure to see you". The supervisor says, "To what do I owe the pleasure?" The surgeon says, "Well, my Instagram business is really taking off. I think it would be better for me to quit being a surgeon and focus on Instagram full time". The supervisor thinks he's a little crazy but decides to let him do what he wants. The former surgeon now goes and buys as many masks as he can to sustain his Instagram account. Eventually, he becomes so wealthy that he is able to buy all these lavish things and not have to worry about economic failure. However, one day, he decides to begin posting pictures of medical needles on his Instagram account instead of masks at about the same time that he gets a horrible sickness that is almost always fatal. Because he posts pictures of masks now, his account begins failing, and even though he tries to save it, he's unable. He no longer has any money to treat the illness and is on his deathbed. His entire family is surrounding him, and his father leans in to hug him. As this happens, the ex-surgeon says in a weak voice, "Dad, where did I go wrong?" The dad, with tears in his eyes, seeing what his son has been reduced to and sadly knowing his dear son's death is imminent says, "You post syringe, you lose subscriber"

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TwoPolesGaming
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2020
🚨︎ report
On Father's Day, I thanked my dad for his contribution to my birth.

He said it was his pleasure.

πŸ‘︎ 60
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I feel a bit bad for making blanket statements.....

They're my quilty pleasure

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Lokimonoxide
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2020
🚨︎ report
An interesting title.

Like many Brits I like a hot drink in the morning. The first one is really special. Dyed gold, and in a golden cup.

It's my gilt tea pleasure.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/fufuxache
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Choking Puns, STAT!

A female friend of mine has a sexual fantasy of being choked during sex (which she exposed during a drunken... "moment"), I am a bad person and find great pleasure in exploiting this via subtle public humiliation! SO, what choking puns have we got to offer?! I'd think of my own but I go to say them and I just choke...

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jeow91
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2017
🚨︎ report
I just met a handsome monk...

I just met a handsome monk. He has spent his life abstaining from carnal pleasure. I found him ascetic-ically pleasing.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DavetheTurnip
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2018
🚨︎ report
Tom Hanks walked into a wind tunnel.

The wind tunnel says to him "It's a pleasure to meet you Mr Hanks, I'm a huge fan."

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Fhoxyd22
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2017
🚨︎ report
So, someone posted something on /r/movies about Val Kilmer being rushed to hospital recently with a throat tumor.....

.....and I posted "Is it Valignant?".....which was then followed by the most downvotes I've ever had the pleasure of experiencing. Lesson learned: keep my puns to this subreddit only!

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ultra-saurus
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2015
🚨︎ report
Pleasurable Father's Day

Sitting at the table for Father's Day, my 16 year old daughter decided to be grand in her wishing me a happy father's day.

"Dad, thank you for siring me."

"You're welcome, but, the pleasure was all mine."

My mother in law glared. Everyone else laughed.

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AK_Pastor
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2015
🚨︎ report
Don't try and dadjoke your angry dad.

Over the years my dad has done the very old, very lame "Hi _____, I'm Dad."
Today he got stuck in a ditch after sliding on some ice. Once home he looks angry so I said "Hey, you look pretty angry." He says "I'm pissed off." FINALLY. My moment has come, I will have the great pleasure of doing it, I open my mouth and these little words come out. "Hi I'm piss-" WHACK
He knew what was coming and wouldn't allow it.
TLDR; Don't dadjoke your dad when he's angry.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Faable1
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2013
🚨︎ report
Took my dad out for father's day dinner

Dad: "Well, thanks for dinner"
Me: "No prob. Thanks for fathering me."
Dad: "Oh, don't worry, the pleasure was all mine."

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MKorostoff
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2014
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.