514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Thereโ€™s a new type of broom out, itโ€™s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels canโ€™t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโ€™s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldnโ€™t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Josvys
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
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I said "kansas" like "kansaw" like you know, how "arkansas" is pronounced, and once my bf told me the truth, i spent my life seeing who would correct me and it wasnt suprising.

I was told a long time ago your true friends will be honest with you, especially if it's not something that will hurt your feelings really bad.

So this life long joke of "kansaw" was only ever corrected by boyfriends, best friends, and family. Others were people thinking i meant "warsaw" in which i frantically said oh no no no!

I made a point to be say this one main line like "omg can a tornado in kansaw just suck me out of this"

"Maybe i should move to Kansaw where its just wind and tornadoe shelters"

I tried to make it come up organically as possible though.

But the other times where people said nothing, some of these people good friends, now have a joke behind my back but i had it behind their backs first....

Life is fun

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ashhtreeee
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 17 2019
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My sister recently found out sheโ€™s lactose intolerant

She is also allergic to musselsโ€”but oddly enough no other shellfish. I told her itโ€™s a good thing her boyfriend isnโ€™t a body builder, since sheโ€™s allergic to mussels and milk.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Nepiton
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 09 2018
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Went to Disneyland yesterday for my birthday

As my boyfriend and I were leaving the park there was a friendly gentleman stamping hands for re admittance. In Disney if it's a special occasion you can ask for a button (so mine said it was my birthday and my name). As we walk through he says Happy Birthday and sings me the birthday song which was nice!

He then asks if I've ever heard Happy Birthday sung backwards, to which I reply no. He then says to give him a few seconds, takes a few deep breaths, turns his back to us and starts to sing Happy Birthday all over again.

goddamit disney

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/EmyRoar
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 01 2015
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My friend's "classic" way of setting me up with random people...

He asks them to feel my jacket/shirt/whatever I'm wearing. He then asks if they recognise the fabric. When they respond with "no," he'll tell them:

"That's boyfriend material."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/poiuytrewqazxcvbnml
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 06 2014
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How I let my daughter do the dad-joking for me...and I crack up every single time:

My 13 year old daughter's new boyfriend is named Brennan.

I keep calling him Brendon.

Every time, she replies "Dad, there is no D! It's BRENNAN. NO D! Got it?!?"

And I am just thinking to myself "Good, Good...let's keep it that way."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 85
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Drumlin
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 14 2014
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Boyfriend at the checkout line

While our groceries are being scanned, the clerk asks, "Have you checked your eggs?"

I responded, "No; I haven't."

The clerk opens the egg carton and my boyfriend says, "Yep! Those are eggs alright!"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TheAsianGirl
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 30 2014
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My dad seems to think the best time to pick on my boyfriends is at the dinner table...

Here are two of my dad's funniest (most memorable) moments while out to eat...

About five years ago, my ex-boyfriend and I went out for Valentine's Day with my parents. My mom and I were having a conversation about my brother's ex-fiancee when...

Ex: "Oh, so you guys don't like her?"

Dad: "No, but that's alright, we don't really like [K's] boyfriend all that much either."

Needless to say, it wasn't as funny at the time...

Then about a few months ago, with my current boyfriend, we went out to eat with some family friends. At the time, my boyfriend was employed at an A/C company doing Chinese drywall and was talking with two of the men employed in other construction trades.

Family Friend: "Don't get involved in concrete. Or Construction. Better yet, stay out of anything that begins with a C."

Dad (from the other side of the table): "You better stay out of anything that starts with a K, too."

It's even more ironic considering I happen to have one of those names that's commonly spelled with a C, but my parents decided to spell with a K. But as mortified as my boyfriend was, I have to give it to my dad, that one was pretty damn funny.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/22seaturtles
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 01 2013
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My mom dad-joked my dad...

My boyfriend told me this belonged here...

Last week my dad fell on our icy driveway, giving himself a concussion, a bruised face and a broken cheekbone. After spending most of the night in the ER and many prescriptions later, this exchange occurred between my parents and the doctor.

Dr.: Do you want something for that face? For the pain?

Mom: No thanks, if it hurts I just won't look at him.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/saradee413
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 03 2014
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Christina Aguilera and her boyfriend were in college...

Christina Aguilera and her boyfriend were in college. Now, Christina likes men with lots of testosterone, and her boyfriend was no exception, but the downside was, he was already losing his hair. "I would do something about it," he'd say, "but I don't know how much it would cost." One weekend they went to a student fair, and one of the campus groups was holding a couples' spelling contest. They were offering all kinds of gag items as prizes; condoms, jock straps, training bras, that sort of thing. The top prize for the winning guy was a hairpiece, valued at $100. So Christina helpfully suggested to her boyfriend, "If you won a bee with me, baby, there's a priced toupรฉe!"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/romulusnr
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 18 2014
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Got my friend and her boyfriend while deciding what to order for dinner

My friend Sarah and I were tossing up between Indian and Thai. We called her boyfriend Sam to see if he would like takeaway. He can't have shellfish so Thai is a no.

Sarah: "we're trying to decide if we should get Thai or Indian. Do you want take out because if you do, we will get curry but if not, we will get Thai for us."

Me: "you're the tie-breaker."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 32
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/stefaniey
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 04 2014
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Got hit with this gem tonight in Key West

So I'm on vacation with my SO. Wasn't much into drinking tonight so he went out to shoot some pool and have a few drinks.

Comes home a few hours later, ask him how his night was.

"It was good, played two games against myself. No one wanted to play"

"Oh yeah, how'd that go?"

"Great! I won both games."

Did I mention that I'm pregnant? With twins?

Yep, this would be my boyfriend's first dad joke. As a dad. Too cute <3

Edit: autocorrect is my enemy.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/letsgosmokess
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 11 2015
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Brightening my BF's recovery from surgery with Dad Jokes

Background: My boyfriend is stuck on crutches after having hip surgery and likes to sit in the recliner with his legs propped up. Since he can't move his hips, I have to lower the footrest for him to get out of the chair.

Him: Can you put my feet down so I can go relax in the bed for a while?

Me: Feet, you're stupid and useless and no one likes you!

Him giving me silence with a side of contempt while I cackle.

Laughter is the best medicine...

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/HuskeyG
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 25 2014
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At least his girlfriend thought it was funny

I'm a lead host at a restaurant when this couple walked.

Me: Hi! Welcome to restaurant. Boyfriend: Hey do you guys have any tables here? Me: No sorry you have to eat on the ground.

He instantly realized what had just happened while his girlfriend was laughing super hard.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/jjllss
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 21 2016
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My friends and I were sitting outside a patio at a local bar...

One of them was talking about some drama with her boyfriend and she says, "I just hate being in the dark". Without missing a beat, I point at a lamp and say "Well maybe you should sit under that lamp. Maybe it will shed some light on your situation."

I no longer have any friends.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TROLOLUCASLOL
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 07 2015
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Dad-joked my boyfriend about our new pet today

We recently adopted a rabbit and the shelter had named him Justin. We wanted to rename him and it's since been a running joke since Justin is, in our opinion, not a very rabbit-like name. He was also really skittish and we've been working in socializing with him. So today (day 6) my boyfriend asks me:

"So would you say he is adjusted yet?"

To which I replied, "No, he's a-justin" (adjusting)

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/kubricks_cube
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 24 2014
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100 dollars

My boyfriend's dad makes this joke all the time:

Hey, I'll give you a hundred dollars if you do (simple task)

After task is completed

No, no, no, I said 100 doll-hairs HAHAHAHAHA

๐Ÿ‘︎ 15
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/amroki96
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 13 2013
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Shopping at the home improvement store

Just found this subreddit and, being a dad, I figured I needed to share some material...

I'm checking out at the home improvement store, my wife standing next to me as the bubble-headed cashier rings me up. She gets to a bag of six inch galvanized spikes that I was buying for an outdoor project. Trying to look up the price in her book, our ditzy cashier holds one up and says, "Is this nine inches?" I smile and turn to my wife saying, "Her boyfriend must love her. He's got her convinced that that's nice inches..."

At that point my wife slapped me saying, "You're disgusting!" and our little airhead just stood there and had no idea why.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 47
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/rubikscanopener
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 14 2013
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Got an exasperated sigh from my boyfriend at dinner

Boyfriend serves dinner, a delicious salad. Him: Ok, let us eat! Me: No, this is arugula. He gave me the side eye and shook his head.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/mangolover
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 29 2015
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Pulled a fast one on my little brother

Alright so I was at the bar last night and they had TMNT themed pizzas, which was cool. I texted one of my little brothers about it and he said "woah, no way, show me that's badass."

I took a picture of the menu but couldn't quite get the whole thing in one snap so I said "k here you go, couldn't get the whole menu but you get the picture."

My boyfriend rolled his eyes and I was laughing hysterically.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/the_winter_storm
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 22 2015
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I was in the kitchen with my boyfriend and two of his friends

My boyfriend was just finishing up cooking for his friends as one of them was plating the food. He (friend A) asked his girlfriend (friend B) to find him a fork.

Friend A: "did you find a fork?"

Friend B: "no, but I do have a spork!"

Friend A: "I don't need that, I hate using sporks!"

Me: "aw, don't be such a spoiled spork!"

I at least got a groan from one of them

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/thegoatryder
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 25 2014
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My Dad's Gay Coworker

While myself and my family were watching The Walking Dead, my Dad asked us this question:

Dad: Speaking of dead people, did I ever tell you about my Gary coworker's boyfriend's last wish?

Me: No, what is it?

Dad: He said that he wants to be cremated and have his ashes sprinkled over his boyfriend's chili.

Me: ...wat?

Dad: Yeah, he wanted one last rip through his asshole towards the end!

Yeah, I laughed. And I'm not ashamed.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/wtfdizzy
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 17 2014
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So how about this heat?

Got dad-joked by my boyfriend today.

Me: It's so hot today, the temperature's in the mid 90's.

BF: No, it's 2014.

Me: REALLY?

In Celsius the high is 34 for today.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Bluefoot_Fox
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 17 2014
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I dad joked my son and boyfriend

A little background: My son is about 18 months old, and I read to him every night before bed. He chooses his book, and 99 times out of 100, he chooses "Dear Zoo."

For those who haven't read it, it's about a child who continually writes to the zoo in search for a pet. They send him and elephant which was too big, so he sent it back. Then they send him a giraffe who was too tall, so he sent him back etc. until he gets a dog, which is of course, perfect.

Since our son is talking more and more, my boyfriend was trying to coax our son to say the name of the book:

Boyfriend: what do you want to read tonight? Does it start with dear?....

Me: No, it starts with an Elephant.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/scnavi
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 28 2014
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Wrong tooth paste

I was over at my MIL's with my wife and my MIL's boyfriend. We got on the subject of how my wife hates cold, chunky food. The rest of the conversation went like this

Mbf: "They make a toothpaste for that. It's called sensodyne.

Wife: " I have tried it, but it didn't work."

Me: "No. It's sensodyne, not Trident."

I also think I stopped my wife from punching the Mbf, because he hates him and he always thinks he has the answer to thinks. So... dadjoked stopped my wife from assaulting someone.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/nolehusker
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 05 2014
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Dad joke courtesy of my roommate and her boyfriend

My roommate was coughing and her boyfriend asked if she was sick. She said no, she was just coughy. Boyfriend said he thought she was more of a tea person.

I'm so proud because I'm usually the one with the Dad jokes around here!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/thburningiraffe
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 14 2014
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