How did Captain Hook fight Peter Pan & the lost boys?

Single-handedly.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
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Pete & Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell out & who was left?

Repeat.

Ok. Pete & Repete were in a boat. Pete fell out & who was left?

Repeat….?

Ok. Pete & Repete were in a boat. Pete fell out & who was left?…

My grandpa’s favorite joke. (Peter 5)

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πŸ“…︎ May 14 2021
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What do you call a bear that jumps, but never lands?

A Peter Panda.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sovietsrule
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2021
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"Hello. This is my friend Warren Buffett."

And my name is Peter Lunch.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/readingmiller
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2021
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What's shaking Spiderman's alter-ego?

Peter Parkinson

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Childhoodcocaine
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2021
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The pennie joke

No offense is intended with this joke. It was a joke that a Catholic priest once said, and I found it quite funny.

A $100 bill went to heaven and was heading towards the gate when St. Peter stopped him. The bill said "What's the matter?". And St. Pete said, "You can't go in". And the bill replied, "Why not? I've done nothing wrong. I was given to charity for the poor and I've been with the richest people on Earth". Right then, a $20 bill was passing by, and St. Peter stopped him as well. "What does this mean? I've been good with everyone and I've been given to the poor more times than the $100 bill". But St. Pete had none of it. Right then, a $1 bill was passing by and it too was stopped. "I've been given to the poor more times than any of these combined! This is outrageous!". And right then, an old, dirty and rusty pennie was passing through the gates, jumping with joy. He stopped for a moment and smiled at St. Pete. And St. Pete smiled back, as the pennie leaped into heaven. All the other bills were confused and enraged. And when they asked St. Pete why that filthy little coin was let in, and not them, St. Peter responded: "He was the only one to go to mass".

I hope you have a nice day!

P.S: No offense is intended with this joke. It was a joke that a Catholic priest once said, and I found it quite funny.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Joshy2004194II
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2021
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I got tickets for the next Super Bowl plus hotel and airfare, but it turns out my wedding is on the same day!

If you'd like to go instead, it's at St. Peter's Church on Main Street at 6:00 pm. Her name is Melanie and she'll be wearing all white.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gingi0
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2021
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How does Spiderman get around town?

Peter Parkour

(credit so-ironic-ifunny)

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ramiel01
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2021
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Jesus told Peter, "Come forth and ye shall have eternal life"

But Peter came fifth and won a toaster

πŸ‘︎ 95
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ImmaMess13
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
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I worked with this guy Rob once...

...who was trying to hide he was bald. He damaged his hairpiece, not sure how, and was having a new one shipped to the office.

He was already kind of embarrassed and told us all, if you see a package for Peters (his last name) just put it on my desk. So I happen to be the one who sees it and as I'm bringing it to him my other coworker Paul asks what I have in my hands.

"Oh this?" I say, "this is Rob Peters' toupee, Paul."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JSNhova
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
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If Spiderman's secret identity is Peter Parker, what's his dog's secret identity?

Peter Barker

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mr_love_monkey
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
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My friend Peter keeps saying the same things over again.

So I nicknamed him Re-Peter.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DENelson83
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
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Remember Spider Pig from the Simpsons movie? I figured out his secret identity!

Peter Porker

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πŸ‘€︎ u/weird_al_yankee
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
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A man named Dave. Long joke!

A man named Dave comes home very drunk late at night...

So this guy has been drinking with his buddies all night and he's as drunk as a skunk, gets home, falls up the stairs, undresses and goes to bed next to his wife. He falls asleep and next thing he knows, bang, he dies and finds himself waiting at the pearly gates.

The guy refuses to believe this is happening, he says to St. Peter: "This can't be possible, I'm a healthy man! This is not the way I die. You have to let me return down there!"
The guy can see St. Peter looks like he's feeling sorry for him, but he tells him that unfortunately, there's no policy for allowing people back on Earth. The guy insists: "But come on, there's got to be something you can do! I'll put up with anything, really, as long as you let me go back down."
So St. Peters tells him: "Well really, there's just this one possibility: you can go back, but only as a hen. That's the only thing we can allow." The guy guesses that this really is his only chance, so he agrees reluctantly.
So he's back on Earth in this beautiful chicken coop, the sun is shining, there's green grass everywhere, this is hen paradise. The other hens greet him with delight and he tells them his story, everything goes nicely. But then he feels kind of unwell, there's something wrong with his stomach. He asks this old hen: "Tell me, I've got this weird feeling in my belly, I'm not too well. What is happening to me?"

The old hen: "Well dearie, we hens lay eggs, you know. I bet you've never laid a nice egg before... You need to push it out now, and you'll feel much better after!"
So the guy pushes and pushes, and wham, out pops his first egg. The old hen congratulates him and he feels much better. But not 5 minutes later, his pain comes back. He returns to the old hen for advice.

"Well dearie, it's quite special but it happens that you need to lay TWO eggs, so go back there and keep pushing!"
So he goes back to his nest and pushes, and nothing comes, and he pushes harder, and wham, out comes his second egg! He feels much better, but not 2 minutes later, you guessed it, he's back in terrible pain and goes to see the old hen.

"What's this bullshit here, and don't tell me I've got a third egg to lay!" The old hen can't make head or tail of it and just tells him that when in doubt, he should be pushing. So the guy goes back to work and then, wham, his wife wakes him up with this smashing slap in the face and yells: "*Dave! Dave wake up you’re

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kmaff90
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
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Reddit Obligations:

I don't have any original material at the moment, but the obligations are still there. So I present the following:

How do you get a baby satellite to sleep? You rocket!

Why was Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.

It takes guts to be an organ donor.

Eggs don't tell jokes because they always crack up.

What's a tree's favorite drink? Root beer!

What do you call a cow with 2 legs? Lean beef

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef

What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter, he still won't come

Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bross-Hog
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
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A Dad joke from my roommate.

Jesus was with Peter at a gathering (or something), and pointed to a bucket filled to the brim with water.

β€œDo you see that bucket over there, Peter?” Jesus asked.

β€œYes, what about it?” Peter replied.

β€œI can turn it into wine.”

β€œNo way!” Peter said, astonished.

Jesus smiled, β€œYahweh.”

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ObscureWhistle
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
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This week on Dancing With the Tsars

Ivan was Terrible, Peter & Catherine were Great, and Boris was Godunov.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DadJoker1988
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
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Peter Pan Puns

I came up with two today, be warned they are punishing.

Why are the Lost Boys so poor? It's because they can Never Land a job.

How did Peter Pan get so fat? He keeps eating out at Wendy's.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Justsomaguy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2020
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who is a Disney character and loves puns?

Peter Pun

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Unarmeds
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2020
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What do you call Spider-Man when his hands shake all the time?

Peter Parkinson

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/uniformbreak320
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2020
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I saw a man pushing around a cart of saltpeter, he immediately stopped when he saw someone doing something nefarious.

Or you could say the peter parker, spied a man.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Accendil
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
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My favorite summertime allergy song is Blowin' in the Wind...

by Peter Pollen Mary.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
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What do you call your friendly neighborhood valet?

Peter Parker.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nottherealdusk
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2020
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What do you call a jumpy Spider-Man?

Peter Parkour

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/saltyquill
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2020
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Tyrion Lannister

I was speaking to my son about Peter Dinklage and his dwarfism. My son then says, β€œdad, do you think people with his condition have shorter lifespans?”

I couldn’t be more proud.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/YankeesFan80
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2020
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As an amateur stargazer, my favourite type has to be the white dwarf.

Peter Dinklage is my all time number 1.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2020
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At the pearly gates, Saint Peter asks new arrivals what they did for a living...

The first person says β€œI was a doctor, I saved lives.” St. Peter lets him in.

The second person says β€œI was a teacher, I educated and inspired hundreds of children”. St Peter lets him in.

The third says β€œI was a musician, I brought joy and beautiful music to many people.”

St. Peter says β€œok, but you’ll have to go around back and come in through the kitchen.”

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/02K30C1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2020
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Pun pet names.

Pets I want to have....

An otter name Harry Otter. A snake named Severus Snake. A tortoise named Voldetort. A chicken named Kylo Hen. A dog named Barkamedes. A deer named David Hasselhoof. A turkey named Green Gobbleen. A cat named Captain Ameowrica. A stork named Tony Stork. A pig named Peter Porker. A crocodile named Croctor Strange. A duck named Ducktor Doom. A squid named Abraham Inkin. A goose named Ryan Gooseling. A heron named Charlize Heron. A goat named Selena Goatmez An alpaca named Alpacachino. A carp name Leonardo Di’Carprio. A tuna named Tuna Turner. A horse named Neighlor Swift. A toad named Demi Lavatoad. A Rhino named Ryan Rhinolds. A swan named Swan Jovi. A Falcon named Jimmy Falcon. A ferret named Ferret Faucet. A rabbit named Hoptimus Prime. A cow named Moolissa McCarthy. A crow named Seth Crowgan. A fox named Charlie Fox. A cat named Katy Purry. A wolf named Howly Berry. A hamster named Scarlet Johamster. A parrot named Squakin Phoenix. A duck named DuckleBerry Finn. A canary named Jim Canary. A swarm of bees, all named BeeyoncΓ©. A sheep named Meryl Sheep. An elk named Elkton John. A bear named Teddy Mercury. A ram named Gordon RAMsey. A shark named Fin Diesel. A jellyfish named Jelly Clarkson. An Iguana named Eddie Lizard. A hyena named Hyena Bonham Carter. A penguin named Robird Downey Jr.

a ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Clixer712
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2019
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Why did they name him Spiderman?

Because they couldn't name him Peter Parkour.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/redman_xitij8
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2019
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If Spiderman suddenly runs out of web when he's chasing bad guys, what is he called?

Peter Parkour

πŸ‘︎ 391
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πŸ‘€︎ u/UserNumber63
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2018
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In heaven, there were two huge signs. The first read, "Men Who Did What Their Wives Told Them to Do." The line of men under this sign stretched as far as the eye could see. The second sign stated, "Men Who Did What They Wanted to Do." Only one man stood under that sign...

Intrigued, St. Peter said to the lone man, β€œNo one has ever stood under this sign. Tell me about yourself."

The man shrugged and said, β€œMy wife told me to stand here.”

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2019
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Im stuff

Peter Parker: Sorry i was late, i was doing stuff. MJ: Im stuff Peter Parker: omg MJ NOOO! Tony Stark: laughing Pete, your girlfriend is awesomesauce Dad: hi stuff, im dad

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ducc777
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2019
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The pearly gates

St. Peter was guarding the Pearly Gates, waiting for new souls coming to heaven. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"

"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"

"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven."

"Sounds easy enough. OK."

So Jesus manned the gates for St. Peter. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to sit down and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What did you do for a living?"

The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."

Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked.

"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."

Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?"

"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."

Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"

The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2019
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Why is Spiderman so good at climbing walls?

Because he is Peter Parkour

πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hurmando
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2018
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Puns to make you all laugh!

Hey everyone! First day on Reddit and would love to make a good start. Here are a few puns to cheer up your day :

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

My friend's bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast

When Peter Pan punches, they Neverland.

What's the worst thing about throwing a party in space? You have to Planet.

To write with a broken pencil ,is pointless.

A frog robbed a bank. It was the first time it Kermited a crime.

I used to have a fear of hurdles ,but I got over it.

There you go everyone! Hope you all enjoyed it and if at all cheered your day up! Feel free to leave some feedback :)

Cheers

  • KingAaronCOC
πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KingAaronCOC
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2014
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My 4 year old got me last night

Must have heard it at March break camp as he kept repeating it all night.

Him: Daddy, why is Peter Pan always flying?

Me: I don't know, why?

Him: Because he never lands

I actually groaned and then smiled and laughed hard cuz I was so proud 😊

πŸ‘︎ 110
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AllanCD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2017
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What's the name of Spider-Hams secret identity?

Peter Benjiman Porker.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/McSkillet2323
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2018
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[Wholesum] Euler Meets St. Peter at the Pearly Gates

St. Peter: Your number's up Euler, and Isaac Newton says you have to count all the spheres in the universe before you can enter heaven. What say ye?

Euler: Sigma balls, Dick.


Sigma is used to notate summation.

Summation is the process of adding things together.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Target359
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2018
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My dad texts me jokes about once a week. Here are about 30 of my favorites.
  • What's the difference between mononucleosis and herpes? You get mono from snatching kisses.

  • If you were to lose your left arm, you'd be all right.

  • Why can't you hear a pteradactyl going to the bathroom? Because the P is silent.

  • Communists only write in lower-case letters because they hate capitalism.

  • I got a new job at the police sketching pictures of suspects. I'm a con artist.

  • Cat Woman's real name is Catherine Woman.

  • I have a new cat joke. ...Just kitt'en.

  • How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for Fresh Prints. *

  • Did you hear about the two men who stole a calendar? They got six months each.

  • I just saw an Apple store get robbed. Does that make me an iWitness?

  • Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.

  • I'm moving to Seoul. I was told it would be a good Korea move.

  • Did you hear about the professor who was killed in a car accident? He was grading papers on a curve.

  • Why isn't an iPhone charger called Apple Juice?

  • Ever try to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.

  • When Peter Pan throws punches, they Never Land.

  • I was struggling to understand how lightning works, but then it struck me.

  • Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time, too.

  • Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the moon, and then follow up with, "Ah, I guess you had to be there."

  • I'm going to make a TV series about a plane hijacking. We just shot the pilot.

  • Would you call a drunk working at an upholstery a recovering alcoholic?

  • Yesterday I got covered in ketchup from my head tomatoes.

  • Even though I've gone bald, I still keep the same comb I've had for 20 years. I just can't part with it.

  • Picture of my sister after getting her nose pierced "She nose something!"

  • I went to the dentist and showed him my cavity. He told me to pull up my pants and get the hell out.

  • Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It was okay - he woke up.

  • So what if I can't spell armageddon. It's not the end of the world.

  • When you get an infection, urine trouble.

  • "Hey waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!" "Yes, sir; it's fresh ground."

  • How did the butcher introduce his wife? "Meat Patty."

  • Elton John is a great piano player, but he sucks on the organ.

  • Elton John wrote a tribute to Amy Winehouse: Candle Under the Spoon *

  • What's the difference between Amy Winehouse and Captain Morgan? Captain Morgan comes alive when you add coke. *

*My absolut

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 267
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WhenIm6TFour
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2014
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What do you call Spider-Man working as a valet?

Peter Parker.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iamjustlurkingrn
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2019
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And Jesus said "Come forth and receive eternal life."

But Peter came in fifth and won a toaster.

πŸ‘︎ 87
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kennedystyle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2019
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What do you call a Spider-Man climbing a wall?

Peter parkour

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SensitiveLeading2
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2019
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What would you call Spider-Man if he was a valet?

Peter Parker.

πŸ‘︎ 698
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πŸ‘€︎ u/USAneedsAJohnson
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2017
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Jesus said, come forth and I'll give you eternal life

Peter came fifth and he won a toaster.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wayne80s
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2018
🚨︎ report

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