Why couldn't horse parliament pass any laws?

They would always vote neigh....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Billy_Dee
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2019
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To pass a law, the Queen must fart. Only then will it have

royal ass scent.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/throwaweight123
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2012
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The mayor in my city just passed law that male best friends have to have lunch together at least once a week

Well it’s not a law it’s a mandate

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πŸ‘€︎ u/justin_true_10
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
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They're passing a law that bans all pastry chefs from voting

Apparently bakers can't be choosers.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/weggo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2019
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They passed a law making it illegal to lie to children:

The only exception is the Santa Claus

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πŸ‘€︎ u/7_Pillars
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2018
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Three law students walked into the BAR. One passed.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheLostPariah
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2017
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Alcoholic law students have trouble passing the bar.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/masta666
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2014
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What do lawyers wear to work everyday?

Their lawsuit.

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2019
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What does a law student and a recovering alcoholic have in common?

They both have to pass the bar.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jmahler0514
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2019
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Where do you learn to make ice cream?

Sundae school

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πŸ‘€︎ u/partytothemax
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2016
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If you're injured, call the law offices of...

Passing a billboard for the law offices of Powell, Powell, and Powell, I said to my wife, "Those are the attorneys I would call."

"Why?"

"They're obviously the most Powell-ful firm in town."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hossalicious
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2016
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The Joke that caused my dad to be "randomly selected for a drug test" at work.

To give a little background: My dad was a truck driver at the time, and he never saw something on the side of the road or that had a "free" sign on it that he could drive by without at least taking a look. My brother in law was a sheriff's deputy. He told this joke to my neighbor, I will try to do it justice.

My dad, his dispatcher(DIS), and lady neighbor(LN) are outside talking and it goes something like this:

Dad: Ugh, What a f--king week. I can not believe it.

LN: What happened?

Dad: I was in Georgia and I saw this cooler in the far corner of the rest area, just as you're about to leave. I looked around and I didn't see anyone... So I figured someone had forgotten it on their picnic... It was a nice ass cooler too. Igloo brand with the heavy duty wheels. It was beautiful.

LN: Let me guess, you took it and the food that was in it?

Dad: Oh god I wish, It was a nice cooler. So, I go over and I'm still looking around in case the owners are still there. So I get to the cooler and I'm thinking "jackpot." The outside looks amazing. So, I go to open it up to see if whatever is inside is salvageable or if i needed to throw it out. I open it up and I jumped back and screamed.

LN: What was in it?

Dad: FEET. HUMAN FEET. I'm thinking what the hell did I just stu...

LN: NU-UH, ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!?!

Dad: YES I'M SERIOUS.. So by this time, I'm seriously freaking out and I have no clue what to do. I nearly passed the f--k out. I had no idea what I should do.

LN: (with her hands over her mouth in horror) OMG, WHAT DID YOU DO?

Dad: Well, you know my son-in-law is a police officer in Florida..

LN: mmhmm

Dad: Well, I didn't know what to do so I called him.

LN: What did he tell you to do?!

Dad: Call a tow truck.

LN: ....what?

Dad: Get it, toe truck?!

LN: YOU'RE SUCH AN ASS. OMG I HATE YOU.

DIS: Oh, look at that, M*****, I just got word from the office that you're up for this month's random drug test.

Edit: Formatting errors, sorry guys!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/heythereanny
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2015
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The spice of life.

My mother-in-law was visiting and my wife was showing off her new spice rack. I picked up the thyme and handed it to her. I immediately asked for it back. But then I gave it to her again. And asked for it back.

She looked at me very puzzled and asked "What are we doing?

I replied" Just passing Thyme."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CurtP31477
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2019
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There once was a man.....

There once was a man who had a job driving a passenger train between two large towns. It could be a very dull job to some, but as the old saying goes, one man's trash is another's gold; he wanted to be a railroad man since he was a boy.

He was a wiz behind the controls of the train, and commanded the 15 car vehicle effortlessly as if he had been born to do the job. He prided himself on the fact that he could bend the rules and speed through curves and grades that made other motormen shiver and back off.

One day however, he wasn't so lucky and came round a bend too fast and derailed his train. He backed off the throttle and braked as much as he could, managing to only have one fatality out of 500 passengers on his train.

Months later there was a trial and he was found guilty of manslaughter in the highest degree, a capital offence in that land, and sentenced to die by electric chair. Punishment came swift, unlike most places, and 3 days after sentencing the former railroader was asked for his last meal.

"I'll have a banana," "Just a single banana?" said the perplexed guard. "The warden will grant you a feast and all you want is that?"

"Just a single banana." he said.

After he downed the fruit, he was strapped into the electric chair an hour later.... The warden hit the switch, lights flickered, and the crackle of electricity could be heard for over a minute...

...but our train jockey instead rose from the chair looking more like he got a stiff massage, rather than be put to death! Well in that nation, the law of the land states that if a man somehow survives being put to death, they must be set free...

...And so it came to pass that our engineer was let go...

And for whatever reason, he got his job back!

So he was back railroading again doing the job that he loved. You'd think he'd have been more cautious with this second chance he'd been given, but you'd also be wrong. Speedy Gonzales with a train license decided to gun his locomotive to hard and send it off the tracks again!

Of course, this time he was tried for the same crime, but at a different time (his was a fair commonwealth and double indemnity was simply unheard of!) So fair was their nation, that the jury came up with the same judgement and punishment. So three days later, when asked for his last meal, the engineer simply said "I'll have 2 bananas..."

Not less than 60 minutes after consuming the last morsel was he strapped into the chair and the switch thrown... And....

NOTHING.

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/onmugen
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2016
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So, my family had a BBQ the other day.

We're all sitting around the table as we scoop and tong all the things we want to eat. My brother-in-law is grabbing some pasta salad when my dad lays down this gem.

Dad: Hey Tim, can you pass-da-salad?

Tim: Yeah, sure. Oh god...

My dad and I proceed to laugh for about 5 minutes as the rest of the family sit their shaking their heads.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GreyVale
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2013
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Wife asked for a little Sprite.

My wife was face timing her parents with the toddler and asked me for a "little sprite to drink".

Not wanting to pass up the opportunity, I filled a demitasse cup and proceeded to hand it to her. Walking away with my subtle triumph I hear my mother in law say "I don't think that's what she asked for," and my father in law telling her it probably was a little sprite.

The rest of my wife's conversation had more mouthed "vacuums" (I presume) then normal.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Patrae
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2015
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Boarding pass

This happened tonight at dinner.

Wife: "mom and grandma just printed out their boarding passes"

I interrupt

Me: "what's wrong with cursive?"

Brother in law laughed. Wife a gave me a death look...felt so proud

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BigBillyGoatGriff
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2016
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She should have seen it coming

Mother in law had a copy of Charles Dickens great expectations on the coffee table and i saw an opportunity i couldn't pass up.

I got my wife's attention and heaved a sigh.

Wife: "what's wrong? "

Me: pointing to the book "it was such a letdown"

Wife: "how so? "

Me: "well, when i first picked it up i had great expectations..."

Wife : groan/laugh "i should have seen that coming"

This wasn't the first dad joke I'd made today but one in a long line of them. i had also said this a few minutes previous to her best friend who caught the joke before i finished and did nothing but loudly sigh and groan. This is what first caught my wife's attention.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dokpsy
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2015
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A couple of dad jokes from the father-in-law (mild language)

Dunlap Disease:

Everytime we pass a fairly overweight person, he says:

Him: "Poor guy, he's got Dunlap's Disease. His belly done lapped over his pants."

Dicky-Do Disease:

Him: "Poor guy, he's got the Dicky-do Disease. His stomach pokes farther out than his dicky do."

My father-in-law, ladies and gents.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Top_Drawer
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2014
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The Minister for Prison's new law

My Father messaged me, out of the blue, showing me what Dads do best: "The minister for prisons has persuaded the government to pass a law to require all sentences to be shorten" Wow.

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2014
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My father-in-law always told this one...

Father-in-law: See that place over there? (Points to a cemetery)

Wife: Sure.

Father-in-law: People are just dying to get in there.

You'll be happy to know she carries on the proud tradition and says it to our kids ever time we pass a cemetery...every, damm, time.

Edit:Formatting

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πŸ‘€︎ u/imdickie
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2014
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My two year old snagged my father in law with this one

My father in law passed by the kitchen and said, "Remind me to bring the cooler."

My two year old followed him out of the room and grabbed him yelling, "Daddy Ken! Remember your cooler! "

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tanman1975
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2014
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