If you commit 90 sins, you will only get caught half the time.
If you sin 90 times, you'll only get caught 50% of times,
Did you hear about the guy who only dated women named Esther, sometimes more than one at a time?
He identified as poly-Esther
There is a religious veterinarian who has a strict rule that only one vet can work on large animals at a time
Because it is a sin to co-vet an oxen or donkey.
What do you call a scandal concerning a rich engineer where the list of accusations only gets longer and longer over time?
With the global warming raising the sea level, it is only a question of time for England to become Engsea.
I own a fake town which is actually a horror theme park and I only let a few people in at a time to keep demand and prices high.
It's called artificial scare-city
The only time people should fret over nothing
I just asked my 14 yr old after he was talking the whole time while I was showing how to do something. ‘Do you know why god gave us two eyes and only one mouth?’
‘Because we don’t need depth perception with our mouths ‘ was his technically correct answer
A drug addicted midget is the only thing that will always be both lower and higher than me at the same time.
Setting my heights real low on this one guys. Lol
An alternative... was that A'Tuin was crawling from the Birthplace to the Time of Mating. When they arrived they would briefly and passionately mate, for the first and only time, and from that fiery union new turtles would be born to carry a new pattern of worlds.
This was known as the Big Bang hypothesis.
Joke by Terry Pratchett, ‘The Colour of Magic’, Prologue.
The only reason i want to become a father is to make dad jokes all the time. Some people think I am kidding
On Saturday, my son confronted me about why I spend time with him on only 1 day of the week, but I spend time with his sister every other day. I told him that I would take him to the movies tomorrow, and he asked if it was 'just because he asked'.
I told him, 'no, because it's Son Day'.
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
Started to learn to tell time on a analog clock last week. So far I can only tell when it’s 6:30
But I got that one hands down.
If I had a Delorean, I would probably only drive it from time to time.
I want to drink my coffee, smoke my cigarette, browse reddit on my phone all at the same time but I only have 2 hands. I wish I had another set of hands for this.
I think that would be pretty handy.
Only part of my leg fell asleep but it's been asleep a long time
Brought it in for an oil change, says he only drives it from time to time.
My dad says the only difference between a good meal and a good time..
is where you put the cucumber..
There is a mysterious body of water where every wave is the same height, only one type of fish is ever caught there, and the tides come in and out at the same time every day.
It’s called the Redundant-Sea.
The only time I got anything for Valentine's Day was in 3rd grade where my teacher gave me a Slim Jim.
I spent Valentine's Day eating my meat.
Why does the hypochondriac only buy 10 eggs at a time?
Because there's tumor in a dozen
So there are three female wizards assigned to protect three Rolex time pieces. My only question?
Which witch would watch which watch?
The only time incorrectly isn't spelled incorrectly is when it's spelled incorrectly.
Credit my uncle, who is an uncle joking but not making uncle jokes. A dad-joker but not my dad.
There are so many beautiful castles in Wales, but I only had time to visit one.
Every time I visit my friend, he insists that we only listen to electronic dance music.
He wouldn’t techno for an answer.
Today I only had time for a mini-workout
The only good time to yell “I have diarrhea” is when
you are playing Scrabble.
It's worth a shitload of points.
Me: Can I leave work early? Boss: Only if you make up the time.
Me: Ok, 45 past 60.
Boss: You’re fired.
Just saw the star of Crazy Ex-Girlfriend preform in London for the first and (maybe) only time.
It was a 'once in Bloom moon' experience.
If Einstein hadn't come up with the Theory of Relativity, someone else would have. It was only a matter of time.
My wife can only breastfeed our baby for short periods of time.
Her doctor says it’s because of her short term mammary.
The only time I get called "Sir" is when I'm in trouble.
Like, "Sir, you're gonna have to get out. The ball pit is for kids only Sir."...
I only buy one pear at a time
They should be sold in pairs
What do you call a time period when Lamborghini starts to produce electric cars only?
Every time I’m in Poland I only get one drink
I will only give someone a kleenex if I've known them for a long time.
I guess you could say I have trust-tissues.
I spend lots of time on the toilet. it's the only place I get shit done.
Each Avenger on average can only have about 10 minutes of screen time.
My boss only allows bathroom breaks at designated times, and it is my turn to go now.
I think I'll try to be handy but only some of the time
so I can finally call myself Handsome.
"The way Hulu works, only one person can watch at one time." - me
My dad responds with "So if there are two of us in the same room, Hulu will not work."
My father needed surgery, and the only time the doctor could do it was on an evening flight
I knew this was a fly by night operation
I once went to a zoo and only saw one animal the whole time.
Mathematically, if you commit 90 sins, you only get caught half the time.
The only time anyone should fret over nothing...
...is playing air guitar.
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