Three men were onboard a ship playing dice on deck when the oldest man angrily jumped off the front of the boat. The younger man said..

You keeled my father. Prepare two die.

*I sent this to my brother and he replies: Was his name Inyougo?

^(What a freaking professional)

πŸ‘︎ 61
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/calvinweight
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
🚨︎ report
My dog pooped on the deck yesterday and now it's all hard.

Turd rock from the sun.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/soveraign
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Anyone I ever dated was impressed when I told them I liked to relax on my poop deck.

They were always disappointed when I showed them it was just a regular deck with dog poop on it.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I woke up on an island, just me and a deck of cards.

So far, I’m not a big fan of solitairy confinement

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/daddyflextape
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I was sitting on the deck with my son. My neighbor walked by and asked β€œAre you babysitting?”

I said β€œNo, I’m dad sitting.”

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/xand_castle
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife is teaching my little ones (3/1) about bugs so they wrote β€œAnt” in honey on a piece of paper to attract them and set it out on the deck. She was sad When we went out to check later that day, only one was there.

You should have pluralized it and more would have shown up!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/vtfb79
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2020
🚨︎ report
A young-looking sea captain comes on deck to greet his crew for the first time and one man blurted out by accident, "He's a baby!"

The captain responded, "No shit, I used to be a seaman."

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/blekais
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2019
🚨︎ report
A card game was going on until one man was caught stealing from the deck

Furious, they would have hit him with a club if they had one

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Cpsn95
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2019
🚨︎ report
I was stuck on a boat with no food in the middle of the ocean with just a deck of cards.

Luckily I could go fish.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/F1NANCE
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2019
🚨︎ report
I was on an amazing cruise, eating dinner on the deck looking out over the water when I dropped my silverware off the edge and into the ocean.

It was un-fork-getable.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/this_is_grand
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2018
🚨︎ report
We were finishing up dinner on the deck tonight

and I told my boys to get ready, there was a 100% chance of son showers.

They both looked up the clear sky and told me I was wrong. Naive boys...

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/The1hangingchad
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call an Irishman that's passed out on your deck?

Paddy O'Furniture

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Russ_T_Razor
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2016
🚨︎ report
While working on a deck

My dad and I were cutting lattices for under our deck, and he was about to saw one: "FuronPox123, come here and hold the lattice! But be sure to put extra tomato!"

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FuronPox123
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2015
🚨︎ report
Ribs were finally done, my friends dad goes outside on the deck to yell to us, "Ribs are done! Everybody come."

"But not on me"

He wasn't a very good role model.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/worldDev
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2013
🚨︎ report
Why couldn't the sailor play cards?

The captain was standing on the deck!

πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BlankXCIV
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2020
🚨︎ report
What Did The Bavarian Say To His Crew When The Ship Had A Leak?

All Hans On Deck!

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Podomus
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do Scuba Divers fall backwards off a boat.....

... cause if they fell forwards they end up on the deck.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ZimbaZumba
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Why didn't the animals play cards on the Ark?

Because Noah sat on the deck.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/big_macaroons
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Build up at least 3/10

3 men were on a boat, having dinner. In between the starter and main dishes they went smoking on the deck. Once arrived on the deck, the one with the cigarettes figured he had 4 cigarettes but no lighter. He threw one cigarette overboard so that the boat became a cigarette lighter

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SpicyForefingers
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2020
🚨︎ report
The captain wanted all sailors of German descent to come out onto the top ship platform and line up...

It was all Hans on deck!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
🚨︎ report
An explosion on an aircraft carrier severed most of the crew’s arms at the wrist.

The clean-up that followed was all hands on deck.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/radioclash86
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2020
🚨︎ report
The Pirate (Long)

A pirate walks into bar and sits down. The bartender notices that he has a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over one eye. The pirate orders a beer, and while he's pouring it the bartender asks "So what's the story with the leg?" "Well it were many a year ago," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard, and a shark swum up and bit me leg clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a peg leg that very night." "That's terrible," says the bartender. "What about the hand?" "Well it were the very next day," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard again, and a whale came up and bit me hand clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a hook that very night." "Wow," says the bartender. "So what about the eye?" "Well it were the very next day," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship, and I were lookin out fer rogue waves, and a seagull flew over and shit right in me eye!" "Oh man," says the bartender. "And that blinded you?" "Well no," says the pirate. "But it were me first day with the hook."

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/flyingfrig
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Captain Pun

There was a captain that was roused from his cabin by a commotion on his ship.

He ran out and yelled β€œWhats going on?!"

His first mate replied β€œWe Have Octopuses on the poop deck, captain!”

The Captain looked around as a few squid scurried around the deck and said β€œInform the passengers that our arrival to shore will be delayed due to... tentacle difficulties."

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MalosBlade
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2019
🚨︎ report
My Dad's worst (and coincidentally most-often-told) joke. I miss him.

When I was in the Navy, I was on the deck of a destroyer one day, and I saw a the periscope of an enemy submarine surface nearby. So, quick as a flash, I whipped off my hat and dropped it over the periscope. As the periscope was covered, the submarine didn't realise it had reached the surface, so it kept rising... and when it got to 10,000 feet, we shot it down with the anti-aircraft guns.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/EmilytheDodo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2015
🚨︎ report
Two men are working on a shipping boat headed to Ireland...

They are both quality control managers and are instructed to check on the product before leaving.

They go below deck and open on of the boxes, and inside are hundreds of potatoes. One of them picks one up and notices that it’s a very odd shape for a potato. He picks up another and is also perplexed by its peculiarity.

He picks up a third and realizes that they are all shaped like penises. He says to his friend β€œI don’t think we can work on this ship with all these penis potatoes.”

So they go up to the captains quarters to quit. When they arrive they say β€œCaptain, we cant work on this ship. We would like to get off.”

He looks them in the eye and says, β€œI’m sorry gentlemen. This isn’t a democracy. It’s a dictatorship.”

β€”

Originally read on r/jokes , but reworded for brevity.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RefrigeratorRock
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Pirates found a trove of treasure and brought four chests aboard...

They put them in the hold and, as it was fair weather, didn't strap them down.

However, as they sailed on, they hit a storm, the ship knocked back and forth.

The captain went down to check on the treasure to find it sliding around the deck.

As a crewman asked how bad it was, the captain replied...

"Booty! Booty! Booty! Booty! Rocking everywhere!"

[This is probably my worst joke yet]

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wolfyfancylads
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2019
🚨︎ report
My Dad's Favorite Joke

Okay so the animals have been on the ark for thirty days and thirty nights and frankly they are getting bored. So to provide entertainment B-Deck challenges C-Deck to a game of football. They get it all set up and begin play. B-Deck makes some early gains but C-Deck is unstoppable. They have Rhinoceros and once he gets going you cant stop him. Soon the first half is over and the score is 24-7. The second half begins and while in the huddle Rhinoceros looks over at B-Decks defensive line and sees Centipede on their defensive line. "Give me the ball," he says, "There aren't going to be any centipedes in the new world because I'm crushing this one right here and right now" The Center snaps the ball and the quarterback hands it off to Rhinoceros who begins charging down Centipede. Centipede rears up grabs Rhinoceros by the legs and SLAMS him to the deck. Ball pops loose, centipede grabs the ball. He's rushing down the field weaving in and out and TOUCHDOWN!!! The crowd goes wild! C-Deck's captain, Lion rushes over and says, "Centipede that was amazing! Where were you in the first half?" "Well I was lacing my shoes."

πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bobby_849
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2018
🚨︎ report
Why could the pirate not play cards?

Because he was sitting on the deck

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/roxann_007
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Why don't you play cards with a pirate?

They're always standing on the deck.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FarmerGreen13
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Dad joked during clinicals today

Patient: Why couldn't they play cards on the Ark?

Me: Why?

Patient: Because Noah was standing on the deck.

He chuckled so satisfyingly. 84-years-old, one day post-op from a total knee replacement, proof that nothing can stop the dad jokes.

πŸ‘︎ 695
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2014
🚨︎ report
How come none of the animals on the ark could play cards?

Because Noah was standing on the deck

Credit to my dad who said this 2 seconds ago

πŸ‘︎ 47
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dtjordan68
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2018
🚨︎ report
I told my daughter I had a confession to make...

She followed me out to the deck, and I confessed to her that I have been smoking grass.

Then I opened the lid on my smoker....

πŸ‘︎ 69
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Drumlin
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2016
🚨︎ report
Our Hero

Our hero is rough, he's tough, he's made of mighty stuff, and he's been through many hardships.

Our hero lives in Marree, South Australia. He hears about a job opportunity in Darwin, so goes to his car to drive the 3,100 ks to Darwin. One problem, his car won't start.

This is no problem for our hero, because he's rough, he's tough, he's made of mighty stuff, and he's been through many hardships.

He walks to Darwin.

When he gets there, the bosses love him, and offer him the job on the spot.

"One problem," they say "The job is in Cape Town, and all air traffic has been halted because of the cyclones"

No problem for our hero. He's rough, he's tough, he's made of mighty stuff, and he's been through many hardships.

Our hero gets on the boat to travel the 11,000 ks to Cape Town.

Not far into the journey, the boat hits a storm and capsizes. No problems for our hero, he's rough, he's tough, he's made of mighty stuff, and he's been through many hardships.

He starts swimming.

In the open ocean, a container ship spots him, and offers to help.

"One problem," the captain says over the loud speaker, "There's no rope".

No problem for our hero, he's rough, he's tough, he's made of mighty stuff, and he's been through many hardships.

He scales the side of the ship bare-handed.

A few days later, they're attacked by pirates. One problem, he's unarmed and outnumbered

No problem for our hero as he is rough, he is tough, he's made of mighty stuff, and he's been through many hardships.

Our hero valiantly defends himself, gets some weapons, and is defending the bridge from all attackers.

He fights off the captain of the pirates, and deals him a mortal blow. One problem, the captain in his death throws, pushes our hero off the bridge, and he plummets towards the deck.

No problem for our hero as he's rough, he's tough, he's made of mighty stuff, and he's been through many hardships.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PoglaTheGrate
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2018
🚨︎ report
My family is going on a cruise.

The first thing my dad said when we stepped on deck was "it smells like ship in here"

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ablack82
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2016
🚨︎ report
Green ladybug

Yesterday I was helping my old man install the railing on his new deck. He stopped and said hey look at this weird green lady bug. I told him it must not be ripe yet.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MDBrews
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2017
🚨︎ report
So I'm telling my son to do his chores...

This happened about 5 minutes ago; Dad: Son, go out and scoop the poop. See that crap over there? Yeah, the dog pooped on the deck, so get it all.

Son: (with a smirk on his face) So it's the poop deck? Hahahaha!!

We all laughed!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TangoWhiskey80
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2017
🚨︎ report
So there are these twins in my calculus class...

So in my calculus class last year in math, there were these two Chinese twins. Ving, and Ling. Ving was always super cool with me. In exchange for answers (he was super smart) I would hang out with him and be his friend and stuff. After I cheated off of him and studied with him though, I did get to be his friend and we got very close.

His sister, Ling, was always uptight about school and she made sure to study, she got stressed about a B, etc. One day I was hanging out with Ving, and we started talking about names. He went off on this huge rant about how he hated his, and how he wanted to change it to something more Asian-American, like Lee. I told him that the Courthouse downtown had a form that you could fill to legally change it. He told me: "I always give you answers. If you could just drive me down to the courthouse this one time, I will never forget you. I just hate this god-forsaken Chinese name and I want to get rid of it forever."

He seemed pretty adamant about it, so I decided the best decision would be to take him. We walked out to my car, and right as I put the keys in the ignition Ling came running and tapped on the car door like a madman. I rolled it down and she started freaking out about how Ving's name had been passed down through generations and generations, but Ving didn't care. He just wanted to go down to the Courthouse and get it over with.

Ling figured that coming with would be the best idea, so if anything else came up that she would be needed for, she would be there for Ving. Honestly, I felt stuck in the middle of a family feud, so I just took her along. When we got to the Courthouse, Ving confidently walked up to the front desk and asked the receptionist if he could change his name. She gave him a little packet of paper and told him to sit down. Ling and I waited patiently while Ving filled out his info. I was watching him fill it out and I noticed he really did want to change his name to Lee.

Before he finished, though, he started tearing up. He told me he couldn't change his name. He asked the lady at the front that he couldn't do it, and she told him he would need twenty dollars to cancel the request. Ling was so relieved and happy that he changed his mind, she dug through her purse, found the money, and started to hand it to the receptionist.

It was at this moment that the most stereotypical Asian man burst through the doors. He was wearing a Hawaiian shirt, a visor, American flag shorts, flip flops, everything. This

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/unknown_name
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2015
🚨︎ report
The tale of Ivan Ivanavich (Long)

There once was a man from the Ukraine named Ivan Ivanavich. Now Ivan and his family were dirt poor, in fact they were so poor, that they had to sell the cockroaches and rats they found in their hovel to make some spare change to to feed their many family members. One day, Ivan decided it was time to travel to the United States to try and have a better life and miraculously he managed to get aboard a ship to the States. Now his journey on this ship was miserable, he was down in the bowels of the ship, which was flooded with rats and feces, but he hunkered down and gave it his all to survive this terrible journey. finally, one day he hears commotion above, they had arrived at last. Ivan walks up to the topside of the old ship and sees the New York Harbor. He stands there amazed seeing such a beautiful sight. Ivan starts his life in New York but he doesn't have a significantly better life than the one he left behind. Nobody is interested in hiring immigrants but eventually he lands himself a gig of selling old newspapers. He would go through garbage cans to find old papers and would sell them to people in the poorer part of town. He makes slightly more spare change, but not really enough to live a better life. In his spare time, which he had plenty, he decides to start free diving in the bay. He goes there each day, and started to get really good at it. One day, an owner of a Circus spots him diving and is amazed at how good he is. He decides to offer Ivan a job at his circus doing performance diving. Ivan eagerly accepts and begins his career as a circus member performing amazing high jumps into really small containers of water. After a few months of doing this he suggests to the owner one amazing jump to wow everyone and put his circus on top of the entertainment world. The owner contemplates this and eventually agrees. He rents a ship much like the one Ivan arrived in and placed the smallest container yet. The radio and tv crews, journalist all arrive to spectate the event of a lifetime. The hour arrives and Ivan begins his climb up a massive lighthouse on the edge of the cliff, and the ship is positioned into place beneath him. Ivan is very nervous but decides it's go time, and jumps from the massive lighthouse. As Ivan falls, he takes perfect form heading straight towards his target. As he dives a sudden wave pushes the ship ever slightly throwing off the careful alignment. Ivan hits the deck and goes straight through the top of the ship. The spectato

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Entophreak
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2017
🚨︎ report
I can't believe my wife got me with this today

Wife was going to go to church today and I had planned on skipping. A few minutes before she was to go, I noticed she was sweeping leaves off the back deck. I opened he door and said, "Honey, I thought you were leaving?"

"I am leafing!"

Edit:stupid autocorrect.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/belinck
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2016
🚨︎ report
Why couldn’t the sailors play cards?

The captain was standing on the deck.

πŸ‘︎ 226
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CoolRedman1
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Why didn't the animals play cards on the Ark?

Because Noah sat on the deck.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/big_macaroons
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Why didn't they play cards on the Ark?

Because Noah was standing on the deck.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mistah-S
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2019
🚨︎ report
The animals on the Ark wanted to play cards but they couldn't.

Noah was standing on the deck.

πŸ‘︎ 103
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/big_macaroons
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2018
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.