Wonderpants.
A Dust Bunny
She was watching him happily playing at the waters edge, wearing his new sailor suit, when out on the horizon appeared a gigantic wave. Before she could react it crashed over the boy and washed him out to sea. The grandmother dropped to her knees and prayed, begging god to return the child. Iβll never ask for anything ever again she pleaded. Miraculously, on the horizon, another wave appeared. It deposited her grandson, unharmed exactly where he was. The old woman looked once more toward heaven and said... He had a hat.
The woman simply replied, βNo peer pressure.β
She said, "Go away, get your own."
At least I assume she was poor. She only had five dollars in her wallet.
"Sure, I'll plan one for you next year," he said.
Her special day finally came around, and a surprise party was held. After half a minute, everyone said goodbye and began to leave.
"Is that it...?" she asked her husband, widely confused.
He proudly tells her, "Honey, that was your thirty-second birthday!"
The woman says βThe doctor said I have acute anginaβ to which the husband replies βI know you do but what does that have to do with a heart exam?β
Because she couldn't mend straight.
There still were strings attached.
She moved to Beverly Heels.
I had an elderly patient today who was visibly upset, almost to the point of tears. I asked her if she was worried about having her blood drawn and she said that the blood draw didnβt bother her, but that she was upset because she had hit a cat with her car on the way to her appointment this morning. She said that she didnβt know who the cat belonged to and that she had it wrapped up in a blanket in her car. I asked her how badly the cat was hurt and she said βI think heβs going to be alright. I just clipped the hind end of him, but his tail is just barely hanging on. After I leave here, Iβm taking him straight to Wal-Mart.β
I told her that she might be better off taking the cat to a veterinary clinic instead of Wal-Mart and she said, βbut itβs just his tail, and Wal-Mart is the largest retailer in North America!β
Because she couldn't see that well!
Everyone thinks I'm have a Midwife crisis.
She tells her doctor, βDoc, youβve got to help me because I canβt stop farting. Luckily it doesnβt smell or make noise, but something must be wrong with me because farts constantly. As I was waiting In the waiting room I was letting them go right and left! Why Iβve farted five or six times just sitting here talking with you.β
The doctor says, βTake these pillsβ one in the morning and one in the evening and come back in one week.β
After the week goes by she returns to his office but she is madder than a hornet! When the doctor comes into the examination room she immediately yells, βI donβt know what you gave me, but now my farts smell awful! Itβs terrible!! Itβs like something crawled up me and died! What did you do?!?β
The doctor replied, βWell now that we have your nasal passages unclogged letβs see what we can do about your hearingβ¦β
She said it was an uplifting experience
Sadly, she just focuses on acronyms though
So I pushed her over.
The doc nods his head, gives her some pills and tells her to come back in a week.
A week later, the old woman comes back and is very upset. "I'm still very gassy, but now my farts are really loud and smell like a porta-potty at a chili festival!"
The doc says "Well now that we've cleared up your hearing and sense of smell, we can do something about your gas!"
Iβm gonna be witch.
I pushed her and she fell over.
But I must respect the elder Lee.
I said, "relax honey! You're just having a mid-wife crisis."
Depends.
MOM: Go ο¬nd yourself a hot 23 year old girl and I'll make sure you'll once again have nothing.
A belly button
Because she couldnβt see that well
Because she couldnβt see that well.
I work in a medical lab. I had an elderly patient today who was visibly upset, almost to the point of tears. I asked her if she was worried about having her blood drawn and she said that the blood draw didnβt bother her, but that she was upset because she had hit a cat with her car on the way to her appointment this morning. She said that she didnβt know who the cat belonged to and that she had it wrapped up in a blanket in her car. I asked her how badly the cat was hurt and she said βI think heβs going to be alright. I just clipped the hind end of him, but his tail is just barely hanging on. After I leave here, Iβm taking him straight to Wal-Mart.β
I told her that she might be better off taking the cat to a veterinary clinic instead of Wal-Mart and she said, βbut itβs just his tail, and Wal-Mart is the largest retailer in North America!β
She couldn't see that well.
