After I got a new leather messenger bag, my Dad asked "Do you know what the number 1 use of cow hide is?"

"Holding cows together"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Battle_Claiborne
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2016
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A boy climbed up onto his Dad's shoulders and started reciting numbers "1... 2... 3..." His father said "Hey! What are you doing? Get off of there..."

His son replied "Dad - don't let me down. I'm counting on you."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/flumanchu
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2018
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number 1 dad joke

kid : Im hungry

dad: hi hungry im dad

kid:dad im serious im hungry

dad: and im serious too hungry my names dad

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SkyBABEunite
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2017
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A man's son entered a raffle to win the deed to an entire shopping plaza.

The son's ticket number wasn't the one picked to win. Despondently, the son told the results to his dad. In an effort to console him, his dad replied..."Well, sorry son, but you can't win the mall."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kellzone
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
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My dad would walk me to the bathroom when I was scared to pee at night...

That’s a number one dad

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
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[Meta] The real purpose of dad jokes

Back in the before times, when sit-down restaurants existed, I used to order boneless cheese sticks and would just throw the word "boneless" in front of any appetizer with 100% corniness. The purpose of this isn't to make a good joke. It's not a good joke. The purpose is to make my dining companions catch some cringe splash damage and want to crawl into a hole and die out of embarrassment for my being horribly corny.

But there is a real, deeper purpose that I've discovered entirely by accident. People, especially young people, are so self-conscious and worried about saying or doing something embarrassing that it taints a lot of social gatherings. They go to a restaurant and are afraid to speak up even when their order is blatantly wrong. They'll tip well even when the food took an hour to arrive and the server has disappeared into the corn stalks behind a baseball field. It takes 2 hours of hanging out together before some friends finally stop nitpicking themselves, uncomfortable in their own bodies and brains, feeling perpetually judged, and begin to relax. These are the kinds of people who go to sleep every night replaying cringey moments from high school. Their last thought of the day is when the Burger King girl said, "Enjoy your meal!" and they said, "Thanks, you too."

It takes 2 hours and/or a lot of booze before they're comfortable enough to take conversational risks and truly reveal themselves. But if I come right out of the gate with a really dumb joke, then we can cut to the chase. There's less danger because someone in the group already shot themselves in the foot, right off the bat. They pulled a pin on the cringe grenade and then jumped on it.

You cringe at my dumb joke and then we're over the hump. Someone has already done something pretty stupid, so go ahead and order the hubcap of nachos and a massive chocolate shake because nobody is going to judge you poorly while they're all judging me.

In terms of price negotiations (haggling), there is a psychological concept called "anchoring". You throw out the first number and all subsequent numbers are compared to that number. This is the same idea. We've already set the humor standard pretty low at "boneless cheese sticks", so you can say the dumbest shit you want and, as long as it's not worse than my cheesy joke, it won't matter.

This is why, when you were a teenager and your dad took you and some friends out, your dad made corny jokes. He knew they were corny jokes. You and your friends un

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Permatato
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
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People keep saying today is Pi day

But to me, March 14th will always be cake day.

E: wow this blew up, number #2 all time on dad jokes! Thanks for all the metal, can't wait to make it rain on other redditors.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/anonymousamish
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2019
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My proudest dad joke

This actually happened a couple years ago, but I've decided to finally come out if lurking to share it here.

I was on a trip with some friends and we had stopped for lunch. We weren't very busy so my buddy and I shared a plate of wings and a couple pitchers of beer. When it came to pay, the bill was $20.01 (I don't remember how much it actually was, but it was an odd number) and we just split the bill down the middle. When we got our checks, his had the extra penny. We joked about him paying so much more, and so I said I would add an extra penny to my tip, plus one more penny to one up him.

Afterwards when we were walking out my buddy turned to me and said "do you think she'll she even notice?" I said "I like to think that she will notice and maybe chuckle at it. Besides pennies can add up and make a difference, but that's just my 2 cents"

I am not a dad yet. But I definitely feel the fatherly humor running through my veins.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kjc2022
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
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Pulled this one on a wrong number today.

Wrong number lady: "I'm looking for a, uh, Victor?"

Me: "Nice, wha'd I win?"

WNL: (audible confusion and realization)

I know it's bad but I felt like my dad today.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CebidaeForeplay
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2020
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I asked my mom, β€œHow many boyfriends did you have before you met Dad?” She said, β€œFour”.

I said, β€œSo Dad is mom beau number 5?”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2019
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My daughter received $46 cash in a birthday card

She commented, "that's an odd amount." I told her for being a math honors student, I would think she'd recognize that 46 is an even number.

She rated my comment a 6 out of 10 on the Dad joke scale.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoMaicanMeCrazy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2016
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124 dad jokes that will make you laugh and cringe

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

β€œEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, β€˜The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.'”

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

β€œI’ll call you later!”- β€œPlease don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

β€œMy dad literally told me this one last week: β€˜Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’”

β€œWhenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, β€˜No, just leave it in the carton!’”

I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: β€œWow, that’s coincidental.”

I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.

β€œMe: β€˜Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: β€˜Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”

β€œI heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

β€œHow can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it

β€œWhat’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: β€œDon’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: β€œNo, it’s a math problem.”

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/weeb123xD
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
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Most puns make me feel numb...

Mathematics jokes make me feel number.

I'm becoming a dad in a couple of months so I thought I better start learning from the best!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hakluke
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2019
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**Dad:** Hey M, did you hear about that kidnapping? (my little sisters name is Emma, everyone calls her M for short)

My Little Sister: No! What happened?!

Dad: Dont worry, he woke up.

My Little Sister: ROLLS EYES

Me: Hahahahahaha! Nice.

My Little Sister: Omg! Is this funny?

Dad: No, THIS IS PATRICK! (We all really love SpongeBob SquarePants)

I GET UP TO GIVE MY DAD A HIGH FIVE AND HIS PHONE RINGS AS SOON AS I GET UP. IT'S MY MOM CALLING HIM FROM THE KITCHEN

Mom: Hi, I was wondering if I had the right number. Is this funny?

Dad: No! THIS IS PATRICK!

My Little Sister: Really?! You too Mom?!

Mom: No, I'm 49 sweetie.

My Little Sister: Nevermind! I'm watching, "Black Mirror," in my room by myself.

Dad: Sweetie, African American, don't just call them Black. That's not nice.

My Little Sister: ............. I hate you all.

  • I know this isn't necessarily a,"Dad Joke." It's more of a conversation my Dad and Little Sister had. But it was seriously one of the funniest moments I've ever seen.

  • I really love my family. Lol

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2018
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I'm amazed Reddit

There are now over a million subs for this silly, corny, beautiful feed of dad jokes.

Link to PROOF: http://imgur.com/ksprvA1

A million subs is a big number.

If we put a million subs end to end, we'd be able to reach a very small part of the way around the Earth... Double that if they were foot long subs, and we'd make it all the way around and more if they were the kind of subs that go under water.

That's why I'm amazed.

Well done everyone on being amazing dads with amazing dad jokes. No matter what kind of dad you are - inside or outside expected dad norms - keep the world laughing and shaking their head.

(I'll keep this stickied for a short period of communal celebration and then go back to the shadows as normal. Keep doing you, dads.)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tali3sin
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2018
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He must've done this 20+ times

I'll be sitting in the passenger seat. Perhaps on my phone. My dad will point out to the street and say 'Hey'. Naturally this gets my attention. I usually respond with 'What?' He wont answer. I'll look over and he'll be pointing at a Truck transporting a large number of bales of hay. I look at him. Smuggest look of satisfaction on his face.

Edit: I can't spell. I'm like a clam Edit 2:http://i.imgur.com/mTme2Jo.jpg

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr_doodlebop
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2014
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I heard from someone that dad jokes are the shittiest kinds of jokes.

Out of my top five favorite kinds, I'd rate dad jokes a solid number two.

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2019
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I knew you'd say that (xpost from r/TalesFromRetail)

Posted this on r/Talesfromretail and it was suggested I post here.

I used to work in store where we would ask customers if they had an account number at the check out. The number would be put in manually before putting the shopping through and the customer would get back one penny on every pound they spent.

One day a family who I hadn't seen before came in and while the mum and kids wandered off to start shopping. The dad came over to the side of my till while I was serving customers, announced his account number and then ran off to join his family without saying anything else. OK, that was weird, I went on serving.

About 10 minutes later the family are queued for my till. When it comes to the point where I should ask for their number the dad grins at me and I realise what's going on. Fortunately, I have a bizarrely good memory for numbers and, without skipping a beat, I reel off the one he gave me when he came in the store. The kids both gasp and their eyes go wide. They look at their dad in awe.

As I'm putting through the shopping, I hear the dad say:

>See? I told you they were psychic.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/huskydaisy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2018
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A German kid is learning to count to ten,

"One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight..." said the kid, pausing after eight.

"Can you say the next number?" The dad asked.

"Nein," The kid replied, not remembering the next number.

"Good job," The dad replied, confusing the kid.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xevetv
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2019
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"Did you blow bubbles as a kid?"

"Well, of course I did."

"Well, he's back in town and wants your number."

My dad told this joke to me for the first time when I was like 10.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PCsNBaseball
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2016
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Carly Rae Jepsen: Hey, I just met you

And this is crazy. But here's my number, So call me maybe

Dad: Hello Maybe, I'm Dad

(Sorry Not Sorry)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pushan_Gore
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2019
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My wife isn't happy I'm practicing my dad jokes early

My wife and I are expecting within the next two weeks. We were at my parent's house when they asked when the baby naming would be.

Wife: It will either be on Monday or we'll name it Thursday.

Me: But I don't like the name Thursday...

From the number of groans I got, I think I'm gonna be a good dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mattityahu
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2014
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Sister: (exasperated) why does Juan keep calling me?

Dad: (immediately)because Juan is the loneliest number.

True Story.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jararaca3
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2018
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My voicemail Says "leave your name and number..."

Every time my dad calls, he leaves a voicemail saying "Dad, Number 1."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HighlightTime
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2015
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From my 8 year old son!

Him: Dad, what do you call numbers that can't sit still? Me: I don't know, what? Him: Roman numerals!! (I'm so proud!!)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Doctr1989
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2018
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Son: "Give me two reasons not to drink from the toilet, Dad"

Dad: "Number 1, and number 2"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sambopulous
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2018
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The award for the best dadjokes 2018 goes to...

… u/ebkbk for this post: Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian. made on 24.11. with 38.9k upvotes

[also already made by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes]

Let's move on to the top 3 of each month:

January:

  1. Is this sub still active? by u/I_Fart_Liquids on 01.01. with 36.4k upvotes

  2. Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine by u/daugarten on 20.01. with 30.8k upvotes

  3. An open letter to the mods of r/dadjokes: by u/Alfie_13 on 27.01. with 18.9k upvotes

February:

  1. Was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm. by u/jakeisbill on 05.02. for 20.3k upvotes

  2. My daughter asked me what I'm posting on Reddit... by u/madazzahatter on 25.02. for 18.3k upvotes

  3. When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding. by u/ownworldman on 23.02. for 17.7k upvotes

March:

  1. I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought... by u/madazzahatter on 21.03. for 22.2k upvotes

  2. Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes.

  3. [When I reach home, my 1.5 y.o. son rushes out to the gate to sit in my lap while I park the car. Then he just grabs the steering and starts shaking it with brrrmmm brrrmmm sound. His cute antics always make me forget that he's suffering from a rare disease.](https://www.reddit.com/r/da

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Skormes
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
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Jazzin'.

Dad: Billy?

Billy: What is it, dad!

Dad: The jazz club just called and I'm now officially a member!

Billy: How did they call you? You dropped your phone in the river yesterday.

Dad: That wasn't a problem, they had my other number.

Billy: And that number goes to...

Dad: My saxo-phone.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pdonkey
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2018
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I tried to tear a phone book in half but I couldn't.

There really is strength in numbers.

(This was actually a mom joke directed at the dad trying unsuccessfully to tear a small phone book)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spinnerhead
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2018
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I'm worried about the calendar.

Its days are numbered.

Edit: As u/Des8bit points out, Cortana makes this joke if you ask her to tell you a joke. I got it from my brother, who is a lover of dad-jokes and attempts to make them at any possible opportunity.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RyanTheCynic
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2016
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A son runs to his dad.

Son: Dad! Check out this new tattoo I got at the math-themed parlor! Dad: Oh boy... they really done a number on you, haven't they?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ExpertCrastinator
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2018
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Hiking with my dad today

We come across a small shack with restrooms and my dad drops this gem: β€œWell it isn’t the prettiest thing I’ve seen all day, but it’s a solid number 2”

I can only aspire to be as good as him one day

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Olympians12
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2018
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Puns for Kids

The funniest and shortest puns for kids, you always remember while teaching children puns, try to choose the short ones because they are easy for them to remember and register.

Puns for Kids

Why are teddy bears never hungry? They are always stuffed!


What do you get when you cross a snake and a pie? A pie-thon!


Where do polar bears vote? The North Poll.


What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the court room? Odor in the court!


Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie.


Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools.


The streets in the capital of Afghanistan are paved with Kabulstones.


How does a lion greet the other animals in the field? Pleased to eat you.


What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn? An egg roll!


No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.


Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove he wasn’t chicken!


What musical is about a train conductor? β€œMy Fare, Lady”.


A man drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


What animals are on legal documents? Seals!


Why did the lion spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny!


Why did the bumble bee leave the house? It heard the school was having a spelling bee.


Being struck by lightning is really a shocking experience!


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans!


Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!


Dockyard: A physician’s garden.


What did the angry mother say to the boiling pot of spaghetti? Simmer down!


The lights were too bright at the Chinese restaurant so the manager decided to dim sum.


β€œWhat’s purple and 5000 miles long?” β€œOoh! I know! The Grape Wall of China!”


Every calendar’s days are numbered.


This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. β€œFour bucks,” says the bartender. β€œPut it on my bill.”


I used to be twins. My mother has a picture of me when I was two.


What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch!


When does a well-dressed lion look like a weed? When he’s a dandelion (dandy lion).


Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a-salted.


A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2017
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My voicemail prompts the caller to leave his or her name and number. My dad’s response on his most recent message:

My name is, Dad and my number is one. Always number one!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Him
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2018
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I'm studying abroad in New Zealand...

I've been here for a couple months now. My family is in Boston, so I'm 19 hours ahead.

My dad asks for the winning lottery numbers at least once a week.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TBD3
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2015
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I can't find U!

My 3 year old is starting to want to play with the computer. This morning he was trying to type out words we were sounding out and spelling.

He wanted to spell out "octopus," and when we got to the "U," he had trouble locating it. Queue the cry of "I can't find U!" To which I replied "I'm right here!" "No Dad, I can't find U." "I'm right here!"

This went on for several minutes and a significant number of sighs and eye rolls from my patient wife.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Voroshilav
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2015
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My dad got everyone at the airport today

So we're flying SouthWest airlines, which means that everyone has a boarding group A to D and a boarding number 1 to 60 to determine when everyone gets to board. As soon as they call boarding group A, my dad walks right up to the ticket checker with a big smile on his face and says, "Excuse me, but I believe I'm supposed to board before everyone else. She is confused for a moment and then he proudly holds up his ticket which has "B4" on it. Everyone kind of chuckled and I quickly buried my face in my hands.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EvTheSmev
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2014
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One of my dad's go-to classics when I was growing up

About 8/10 when my dad was checking out at the grocery store or best buy or somthing with a rewards card he would do the same dad joke (which I now find hilarious). If the cashier was a woman, this would go down:

>Cashier: Your total is $x.xx. Do you have a rewards card with us?

>Dad: uhh...I don't think so...

>Cashier: Well what's your phone number?

>Dad: Sorry I don't just give my number out I'm married.

idk if this counts but it was one of my dad's go-to's and the amount of times he did it combined w/ the eye roll punchline made it one to me.

Teenage me cringed, probably gonna do it myself at some point now. I accept my dad joke fate.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sloppysloppyjoe
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2017
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Daughter: Can I get grandma's phone number?

Dad: What?! How can you not know grandma's phone number?

Daughter: I don't know, I don't call her enough I guess. Can you give it to me?

Dad: Okay, let me look it up...

-Just heard behind me

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kuebic
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2017
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Nature program dad joked.

My dad, step mum and I were watching a nature program. The topic turned to a lake that contained the largest number of wild mussels in the country. Cue conversation:

Dad: "I went to a party there once."

-Skeptical silence-

Dad: "Yeah, I pulled a mussel".

I groaned, step mum rolled her eyes, refusing to acknowledge the joke while dad is cracking up at himself. It took him a good minute to compose himself.

(For those unfamiliar with the slang, in England "to pull" someone means scoring/picking someone up at a bar/club/party or whatever)

EDIT cant spell.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/foxdrop
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2015
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My dad laid this one out on me today

My dad has a slight arabic accent. We approached an orange light and he said:

Dad: Another orange light

Me: It's because you're bad luck

Dad: No, I'm with numbers

Me: What?

Dad: I'm a lock with numbers, not a padlock

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chroncile
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2016
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Discussing a possible lion that was seen in Wisconsin...

My dad said it was hard to confirm it was a lion because the reports were from a number of "random spottings."

My mom said it "Sounds more like a leopard."

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WasabiofIP
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2015
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She's only 4!!

We've been teaching our 4 year old angel/terrorist daughter to use the phone so that in an emergency she'll be able to call me/SO/emergency services. I noticed when i got home yesterday that I had a missed call on my mobile phone from the land-line number, so I asked her: "Did you call me earlier?" Quick as a flash she replys: "No, I called you Dad!" My work here is done.

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SystemCanNotFail
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2016
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My dad's number 1 dad joke...

"Dad, I'm hungry."

"Hi hungry, I'm dad. Nice to meet you."

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Smaktat
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2013
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"Hey I just met you and this is crazy but here's my number so call me maybe"

"Hi maybe, but I'm not 'I just met you and this is crazy so here's my number', I'm dad"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dagusiu
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2019
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Helping dad find a new smartphone

Dad: "Will there be any German names and numbers on it?

Me: " What? It's Chinese... "

Dad: "I want it to be Hans Free"

πŸ‘︎ 93
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Acerius
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2015
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"Hey I just met you, and this is crazy...

...but here's my number, so call me maybe"

"Hi Maybe! I'm dad"

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jashleyuk
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2017
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