Noah's wife Puns

Joan of Arc

After the Flood, God instructed all the animals to go forth and multiply. But some snakes didn't obey.

So Noah build a low platform of unfinished wood and put the snakes on it, and they began to multiply.

Noah's wife asked him what was the deal with the wooden platform.

Noah said "Oh, the snakes were adders, they needed a log table to multiply."

Me: (holding Noah) I have Noah dear!

Wife: Oh my God where is he! We have to find him!

It's not well known that among the species of plants taken aboard Noah's Ark was a very odd berry. This berry had a special property where if you ate too few at once they would be sour, but if you ate too many at once they would be bitter. Even stranger was that the right number of berries to eat at once for perfect sweetness was different for each person.

Shem would never take enough berries and would complain every time "Ugh! These berries are so sour! Why did we bring these plants?" Noah would reply "I've told you over and over, you need to eat a couple more in a mouthful to make them sweet."

Ham would always take too many berries and would complain every time "Ick! These berries are so bitter! I'd like to toss the plants overboard." Noah would reply "I've told you over and over, you need to eat fewer in a mouthful to make them sweet."

Japeth would grab a random amount and whenever they were bitter or sour he'd complain "Why do these berries never taste the same? We should let the animals eat the plants so we don't have to eat the silly berries." Noah would reply "I've told you over and over, you should remember how many berries taste the best."

After a couple of weeks of this, Noah announced "I'm taking charge of portioning the berries. I've made notes of how many of them taste the best for me, my wife, all of you my sons, and your wives. At meals I'll give each of you the correct amount, and NO MORE COMPLAINTS!"

Another week passed and Japeth wanted some berries to take the edge off his hunger, but rather than wander all over the whole ark looking for his father he asked Emzara "Where's dad? I'd like some berries before lunch."

Emzara pointed to the storeroom and said "I thought you were tired of the berries? But there's Noah, counting for taste."

Me: After I finish this up, how do you feel about a Noah situation but only pigs and it's really scary?

Wife: What?

Me: Ark-Ham Horror?

Wife: Get out of here

I have a five year old boy and a three year old boy.
They always tell me, "I'm hungry."

I respond with, "I'm Daddy nice to meet you hungry."

The five year old laughs and responds with, "Could you please make me something to eat." He gets it. But the three year old will continue to tell me, "I'm hungry."

Of course I will continue to respond that I'm Daddy. The other night the five year old coached my youngest. "Baby Noah. Say please. Daddy won't get us sumthin to eat."

Noah pauses and says, "Please Daddy. I'm hungry" Before I can respond the five year old, slaps his forehead and sighs, "No baby Noah you're not hungry." Noah looks confused and says, "I'm not?"

I couldn't stop laughing.

I woke up and took a drink of water (this tends to make my mustache a lil wet). I roll over and wake my wife with a passionate g'morning kiss to which she exclaims "Jesus! You got water all over me." My reply was simple "You can call me Jesus, I appear to be able to turn water into whine."

Edit* OMG! This is top post on r/dadjokes! I'm glad I can get a chuckle with you guys. I also fixed words.

My wife and I have a 1 month old baby named Noah.

I texted my father a pic of what I was eating for dinner.

My father (the baby's grandfather)'s comments are in Red.

http://i.imgur.com/i8ZVlWT.png