I quickly replied "We'd lend you a hand." My girlfriend and I burst out laughing!
Pun in, ten dead
Edit: The police quickly arrived at the scene, surrounding the bar. The pun was trapped in the bar but it decided to hold on and have a shoot out with the police instead of surrendering. Sadly, the pun was shot. He was pun out dead at the scene.
Edit: Nobody attended the puns funeral, they all at ten ded.
-Mic drop-
Edit: Wasnโt that a killer pun?
Edit: Unfortunately I told about 10 puns before this one. Did any of them land? No. No pun in ten did.
(Credit To killsforsporks and TLo137 for the last 2 edits)
these are all real. Some are made by me, some are not (ones with an "*" are mine.).
/r/NoPuns is a sub where posting puns will get you a ban.
/r/NoNoPuns is a sub for people banned from /r/NoPuns.
/r/NoNoNoPuns is a sub for people who weren't. *
/r/NoNoNoNoPuns is a sub where puns are mandatory.
/r/NoNoNoNoNoPuns is a sub where requiring puns is banned. *
A good pun is like a good cake: it has many layers. Subreddits are the same.
Some of his puns get so bad, he keeps a piece of paper in his wallet that says "puns" on it. When someone says his puns are terrible, he takes it out and rips it in half saying "no, THESE puns are tear-able."
He will make a great dad.
Jenna Bush Hager interviews her dad (Bush 43) for an NBC special on the opening of his art exhibition at the Bush Presidential Library. About a minute in, he slips in a pretty good dad joke:
Jenna: Do these people know that you are painting them?
Bush: Sort of. There's no telling how these people are going to react. I think I told Tony [Blair] I was painting him and he sort of brushed it off.
Jenna: No 'art pun' intended.
Bush: That was definitely an art pun.
http://www.today.com/video/today/54864022#54864022
Edit: Grammar.
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
I said no I didnโt know he could.
The woman simply replied, โNo peer pressure.โ
He said, โSorry. There is no Time.โ
โBecause she has no taste.โ
Me: I don't wanna alarm anyone, but I think someone in this room might be an owl.
Sisters kids: Who? WHO?
Me: gasp OH NO IT'S WORSE THAN I THOUGHT!
cue 2 hours of 4 small kids running around the house like nutcases screaming who at each other
Sister: You don't get to tell my kids dad jokes anymore. You're not even a dad Me: I'm a faux pas
Oh, no, wait, she's back. She just went for groceries.
Oh no, my (P + L)(A + N) has been FOILed!
The mortician asked the deceasedโs wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out the man looks good in the black suit heโs already wearing. The widow however said she thought her husband always looked his best in blue, and she would really like him in a blue suit. She then hands the mortician a blank cheque and says โI donโt care how much it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.โ The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. Remarkably, the suit fit him perfectly. She says to the mortician, โwhatever this costs Iโm very satisfied, you did an excellent job and Iโm incredibly grateful. How much did you spend?โ To her astonishment the mortician presents her with her blank cheque, and he says โthereโs no charge.โ Shocked she replies โno really, I feel like i must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit.โ โHonestly maโamโ, the mortician says, โit costs nothing, you see a diseased gentleman about your husbands size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday. He was wearing an attractive blue suit. So I asked his wife if she minded if her husband went to the grave wearing black. She had said it made no difference so long as he looked nice. So from that point on it was really just a matter of switching the heads.โ
"No, I always dress like this", I replied.
The other astronaut replies โIn space no one can, here use creamโ
I said, โNo, only for the next couple of hours.โ
If good;
The good news is there is no bad news.
If bad;
The bad news is there is no good news.
But no pun in ten did.
Noble gases have no reaction.
No body laughed at that time, but eventually everyone got it.
Boss: Hard drive?
Me: No, the commute was fine. Itโs my laptop.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
The no-bell prize
He found his way to the men's department where a young lady offered to help him. "Quiero calcetines," said the man.
"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl. "No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man.
"Well, these shirts are on sale this week," declared the salesgirl. "No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines," repeated the man.
"I still don't know what you're trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack," offered the salesgirl. "No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero calcetines," insisted the man.
"These sweaters are top quality," the salesgirl probed. "No, no quiero sueter. Quiero calcetines," said the man.
"Our undershirts are over here," fumbled the salesgirl, beginning to lose patience. "No, no quiero camisetas. Quiero calcetines," the man repeated.
As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair. Holding them up he proclaimed, "ยกEso sรญ que es!"
"Why didn't you just spell it in the first place?!" yelled the salesgirl.
"No way!"
"YAHWEH!"
"No, I was hoping you'd just give them to us, for free."
Me: it's means being happy
Son: so are you gay dad?
Me: no son, I have an wife
I have no eye-deer.
Nurse: โNo change yetโ
Frazzled, the bartender cries, "What's with the long no's!?"
No pun in ten did.
No rush.
There's no plaque.
Dad: Give me your best knock knock joke. Or jokes. Do it when you can no rush.
Me: Does it have to be a knock knock joke or can it be any joke?
Dad: Knock Knock.
Me: Whoโs there?
The streets have no name and I still haven't found what I'm looking for!
Dad : "No sun"
Me: "No it doesn't".
Guy 1: I heard that the main character kept stabbing people on the set filming Legally Blonde. I can't remember her full name. It was Reese..... something. She just kept attacking people one by one but I don't know who it was.
Guy 2: Witherspoon
Guy 1: No...... with her knife. Who would be that stupid to use a spoon to hurt over.
No son I got them all cut!
No, but April may.
Eyewitness reported, he left no tern unstoned.
He won the no-bell prize!
He donโt come around here no more
There was no answer, it just kept ringing.
But no pun in ten did.
No eye Deer
