The skipper of a 40 ton trawler which ran aground in Hull during the early hours of Sunday was reported to be 6 times over the legal limit for sailing. Authorities said they had no idea what to do with a drunken sailor early in the morning.
We live in Colorado and took my son outside today to play hide and seek for the first time. I pointed at the Rockies, looked him dead in the eye and said, "Under no circumstances can we allow them to play!" Confused, he ask why, so I explained, "Well, you see...
No matter how many times she tried, Sherlock Holmes' wife could never convince him to grow fond of her pet duck.
He was a master of the duck shun.
No time for proofreading,
"No Time To Die" movie is delayed. Thread goes full-pun mode
I got my wife a copy of the Pixar movie Up when it came out a long time ago, but she dropped it while opening it. She dropped it so many times over the years that the box is very damaged and the disc is no longer playable. Her other movies are perfectly fine, but not this one.
She did not hold Up well.
Hey y'all! Long Time No See!
This is no time for jokes, Jinping.
First time doing this please no bully
The guy I asked for directions from wasted no time helping me.
He was straight to the point.
Any time you ask a Spaniard a question you can be sure to get a straight yes or no answer.
Nobody expects the Spanish indecision.
There’s no time like today to do the things you love. For me, that thing is fishing.
The first time I threw a boomerang, I had no idea what I was doing.
What do you get if time no longer exists in the universe?
Every time I visit a temple, I have no idea what to do. So I stand around and do nothing.
I have no time for people without a watch.
What do you call people who complete their tasks in time and have no trouble with deadlines?
The eyes of a seal pup are pure black because they don't go to school. Instead they spend their time clubbing, so...no pupils. (x post /r/ShittyAnimalFacts)
I say this to my kids all the time- "You're like a bald porcupine... YOU HAVE NO POINT!"
I told my sister "one time, a teacher of mine gave me a list of 10 puns so that I could make sense of them." She asked " well, did any of them make sense?" I told her "No pun in ten did." My sister laughed and said "I get it, did you intend that?" I said "Nope, unintended."
No time to make an interesting title, we are already late!
This one time I asked a bear to the school dance. She mauled me and said no.
I guess no time is too serious for a good dad joke
My brother and I are in the waiting room at the ER while my dad is back in the ER room texting us about what's going on. I wasn't sure if the ER was the same as the ICU. MY. My dad couldn't hold back.
http://imgur.com/sKewAWG
Our little girl was born today! I wasted no time.
We got to the hospital.
Nurse: are you having pain?
Wife: yes, a lot.
Nurse: contracting?
Me: oh my god, it's contagious?!
When I was little, my dad would ask me and all my friends this one. It took me a long time to realize it made no sense, but he still (15+ years later) insists that it's completely logical.
Q: What's the difference between a duck?
A: One of the legs is both the same.
Every time my dad sees a no shoulder driving sign...
My dad will lean forwards with his shoulders on to the steering wheel, and just start laughing like a madman!
I'm no Dad, but I use the same line every time I get something without having to pay for it.
For the low price of FREE.99!
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