My realtor asked me how I felt about the defects in the finish trim in my new home.

I said I'll be coping.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chilldabpanda
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2021
🚨︎ report
The new funeral home in town will not let me view my loved ones before their burial, sadly.

Unbereavable...

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/breakone9r
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
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In recent news, a giant had a troubling discovery when he returned home from work.

After discovering he'd been given a parking ticket, the giant exclaimed in disappointment as he approached his house. This startled a burglar inside, causing him to flee from the property but not before trapping his stubby digit in the door, causing him to leave blood at the scene. Thankfully, the giant's powerful nasal abilities allowed him to aid police as he was able to detected the exact nationality and gender of the robber in question. When interviewed, the giant simplified the story for us by saying,

"Fee, Fie, Foe, Thumb, I smell the blood of an English Man."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wolfyfancylads
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
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My dad came home with a new haircut and I said he didn't look like himself...

He responded: "Why are you telling me?"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ozzenfeffer
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
🚨︎ report
The local Blacksmith got a new dog. When he got him home he made a bolt for the door.

His other dog sat in the corner. It's a boxer.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DarthVarn
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
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When I came home from my first day at my new job my wife asked me what my new schedule was like. I said it looks like Rihanna...

...because all I can see is work, work, work, work, work...

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Orkjon
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend and I bought a new mattress. When we got home and set it up, we were unsure about whether or not it would be comfortable enough.

She said, β€œLet’s sleep on it.”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DeniedScout
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...

...and chimney installations are through the roof!

πŸ‘︎ 84
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrdm242
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Just got my pet hermit crab a new home

He named it Michelle

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BinaryPeach
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2019
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I showed my new wife our new home, a basketball playing arena...

She said she'd rather settle out of court.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2019
🚨︎ report
My dad tells this joke to every new girlfriend I bring home.

How do you sell a deaf man a chicken?

Leans in close, takes a deep breath and screams at the top of his lungs:

WANNA BUY A CHICKEN?!?!?

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cvtopher12
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2013
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A boy was sitting at home playing video games when suddenly his dad bursts in through the front door and says, β€œSon, look, check out my new AirPods!”

The boy looks at his father’s ears but sees nothing. β€œDad, there’s nothing there.”

β€œYeah I know, they’re literal!”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Majikin__
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2019
🚨︎ report
TIL: Amazon has come out with a new service where they will deliver custom fitted shirts to your home within 48 hours.

It’s called Tailor Swift.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2019
🚨︎ report
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow and she’s wanted to get a new cat (recently lost our old one), so my son and I got a cat from the animal shelter, put her gently into a large gift bag and brought her home. Before I could shut my driver door my son ran inside and ruined the surprise...

Can’t believe he let the cat out of the bag.

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/5d2248650
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2019
🚨︎ report
My teenage son came home upset that his crush is attracted to the new foreign exchange student at school

So I went to the drug store and bought him the best Axe Scent money can buy!

πŸ‘︎ 180
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KingBuck_413
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2018
🚨︎ report
MRW family in Oklahoma City ask if my new job will be closer to home. imgur.com/gallery/kUruTHZ
πŸ‘︎ 131
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lilrmoe
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2015
🚨︎ report
I've started a new business finding new homes for pet snails

It's a shell company.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rc538
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2019
🚨︎ report
A new roof is always the cheapest home home repair.

It's on the house!

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Darkphibre
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2018
🚨︎ report
Rosemary is brought home to new fridge.

She observes the other herbs with much interest and notes one herb stands out as the clear leader of the pack. She asks her only friend so far Marjoram who that is. Marjoram says: β€œIn here, he’s kind of a big Dill.”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/citizenvane
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2019
🚨︎ report
On the 31st of December whilst leaving home to go to a New Years Party, your dad says ...

See you next year

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/alberj
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2018
🚨︎ report
I really love my new combo home office / bathroom .

It's a great place to do business!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TavernHam
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2019
🚨︎ report
It's been a few weeks since my dad ordered new doors from Home Depot,

...so today he called Jeff in the "Door Department" (his words, not mine) to find out what's up. Turns out, the doors were shipped and have been waiting at the local store for a week.

My dad, fighting back tears and a fit of laughter, says to the employee on the other end of the phone: "No worries, I'm sure you guys are busy this time of year; you probably were just in a bit of a jamb".

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheSudStud
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2019
🚨︎ report
There's a cool new funeral home in my town.

Everybody's dying to get in there.

My dad actually produced this one yesterday. Happy Sunday.

πŸ‘︎ 140
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Goldeen_Need_Log
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2016
🚨︎ report
I can’t bring my new girlfriend home to my parents because she has had her feet amputated.

They are lack-toes intolerant

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PtotheL
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2018
🚨︎ report
Sacha Baron Cohen has released a new film about a man that gets hay fever whenever he goes home.

Allergies In Da House

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2018
🚨︎ report
When your friends are out there celebrating New Year's and you stay at home just being yourself
πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SalvioN21
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2016
🚨︎ report
I picked up that new console my kids've been begging for on my way home from work today.

I put it down before leaving the store, though. Wouldn't want to get into the habit of shoplifting.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2018
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I got a new job at the needle factory and I'm frequently late getting home

I get stuck at work a lot.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2017
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I've just returned home, disappointed with my new haircut

Dad: "It'll grow on you"

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/csbndg
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2017
🚨︎ report
My son and I were stocking up for the Christmas party at our new rural home...

And on the way back, my son and I tortillaed through three bags of family size Doritos.

We would have pointed fingers at one another, but they were already in our mouths. Sucky situation, I know.

I turned the car around and said, "Son, now our mission is snackfued."

Salty from our spell of bad luck, we licked our lips and hightailed it back to Walgreens. I sent a MSG to my wife to tell her about the crunch we were in.

Many of our guests had already arrived when we finally returned, holding up our carb-earned trophies.

It was then that my son's friend complimented our modest country estate: "Cool Ranch!"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BuenaPisteada
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2017
🚨︎ report
So my daughter brought home a pizza for dinner last night. I asked her "was this from that new place, Myreka?"

She responded "No, it's called Eureka".

I replied "That's what I said, Myreka..."

She slapped my arm a couple of times, but it was worth it...

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EngineerBill
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2016
🚨︎ report
I went to the home improvement store to compare prices on new carpet, wood, and tile.

The prices floored me.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chaunceychaunce
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2017
🚨︎ report
My Dad came home from shopping and said he had bought a new exciting board game for the family to play at Christmas!

http://imgur.com/a/GPyVq

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RandomStud3nt
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2013
🚨︎ report
I was helping my dad (contractor) put in windows on a new home.

He asked me to keep the window upright on the ground so he could measure it. He slid the window open, crawled through it and said, "You don't understand the 'pane' I'm going through."

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mistermax12
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2015
🚨︎ report
When i came home from party last year new years eve..

The next morning, Dad "Wow havent seen you since last year. Thought you were a gonner!"

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2013
🚨︎ report
Got home from my new job at the morgue. Wife asked how my first day was.

It was dead.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FatMetalJesus
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2019
🚨︎ report
So they are building a beautiful new funeral home in my home town...

Apparently people are just dying to get in.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BruinRuin
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2015
🚨︎ report

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