After a bad diy project, a load of books fell on my head.
I have only my shelf to blame.
A friend gave me a load of cooking ingredients but no recipe.
A friend gave me a load of cooking ingredients but no recipe.
I thought "I don't know what to make of this"
What does every Star Trek fan ask for from a mobile network?
My little brother just came up with this: Why was the fully loaded hot dog cold?
Because it was a chili dog.
I got a load of stuff from the supermarket today,
The cashier asked if I wanna box for it. I had to tell him wrestling was more my sport.
I got fired from my job at the bank today. An old lady asked me to check her balance...
Didja know that in Turkey they have a social networking dedicated to red hats?
A farmer attempted to tow a load of manure down the interstate at 5 pm. Of course, it caused a crash and traffic jam...
I can't believe he tried to pull this shit!
I've lost loads of weight, just by wearing bread around my head...
Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasant’s head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Duke’s son and knocked him off the battle field.
Yeah, apparently it was the first ever serf face to heir missile.
My two sons 5&8 are playing Minecraft this morning on survival. They are working hard together to build their mansion. I crossed the room in front of the TV to grab my phone as they are balanced high on a wall constructing a roof. My son screams out, “Dad get out of the way!”
I said, “You’re the ones blocking!”
What cellphone network did Quagmire have?
What's Thanos' favourite social network?
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
What do you call a woman balancing a pint of beer on her head playing pool?
A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins
I thought "That's a turtle disaster".
What do you call an Arabic country that has loads of sheep and experiences very wet weather?
Why is your nose in the middle of your face?
What is a pregnant women's favourite part of a hike?
The water break...
Said this during a hike so it was all the more sweeter to hear the only two dad's chuckle.
Did you hear about the party held for devices used to weigh tractor trailers' loads?
It was a large scale celebration.
**Genie: I will grant you 2 wishes** **Me: I want to be rich.** **Genie: Okay granted, second wish?** **Rich: I'd like loads of money.**
I don't believe in bros before hoes or hoes before bros. There needs to a balance.
A homie-hoe-stasis if you will.
My friend has peg on his short sleeve shirt for balancing small white balls on when he wants to whack them with a club...
He always wears his tee-shirt when golfing.
I went to the bank and asked the teller to check my balance.
She shoved me pretty hard but I didn't fall down.
What's a psychic's favorite TV network?
I found a load of batteries washed up on the beach.
I was collecting C Cells on the sea shore.
Forgiveness is the most important part of a well balanced breakfast.
I did it! Dad said to save my money til my balance looks like a phone number.....
If you had a choice of eating your lunch outside or watching the Nickelodeon network, what would you do?
A man was caught stealing from a supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires;
He was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
Did you hear that rumor about butter?
Well, I’m not going to spread it
A man came home from the pet shop with loads of geese.
He only went for a gander
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
A lorry load of wigs has been stolen
Police are combing the area
Graveyards have loads of security...
People are dying to get in!
What do you call a woman that plays pool while balancing a pint on her head?
Beertrix Potter
(The 'Burnadebt' joke from last night reminded me that my dad told me both those jokes about 25 years ago! Definitely using them if I ever end up being a dad.)
A two-star officer was so vain about how good he looked in the updated uniform...
...he ordered all flare guns to be loaded with an action figure in his likeness. That's right:
the Very model of a modern major general.
When the White Death loaded his rifle...
The Russians were Finnished
I recently got fired from a bank teller position when asked to check a client’s balance.
I lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance
Today at the bank some old lady asked if I could help check her balance.
An old lady asked me if I could help her check her balance at the bank.
An old lady walked into the bank and asked me if I could help her check her balance.
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