They're to die for.
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Nov 26 2022
Cars would have less need for seat belts
If people would just buy car seats that fit appropriately.
π︎ 223
π
︎ Dec 12 2022
Why was the math book sad
Because it had too many problems
π︎ 8
π
︎ Dec 09 2022
A priest, a pastor, and a rabbit walked into a clinic to donate blood. The doctor says to the rabbit: "What's your blood type?"
"I'm probably a Type O", the rabbit replied with great sadness.
π︎ 5k
π
︎ Oct 09 2022
I asked old Maud how she lost her husband. She told me her sad story..
"Well, he needed a blood transfusion, but his blood type was not on record, so the doctors asked me if I knew what it was, as they urgently needed to know, in order to save my Norman's life.
Tragically, I've never known his blood type, so I only had time to sit and say goodbye.
I'll never forget how supportive my Norman was.
Even as he was fading away, he kept on whispering to me, "Be positive, be positive!"
That was my Norman! Always thinking of others."
EDIT: thanks for my first award whoever you were!
π︎ 60
π
︎ Dec 08 2022
Why is six afraid of seven?
Because seven is a registered six offender.
π︎ 211
π
︎ Nov 05 2022
One time a battery theif was caught
The police told him he's getting charged for robbery
π︎ 13
π
︎ Dec 07 2022
People think that binary is too difficult, but it's really not.
π︎ 52
π
︎ Nov 27 2022
I donβt make mathematical puns unless Iβm desperate.
But Iβll make one if I half two.
π︎ 792
π
︎ Oct 12 2022
An old lady at the ATM asked if I could check her balance
π︎ 131
π
︎ Nov 20 2022
Crows.
My grandpappy told me when he was a boy it got so hot that the corn in the fields popped. The crows thought it was snow, and they all froze to death!
π︎ 6
π
︎ Nov 20 2022
What do you call an orphans family photo?
π︎ 10
π
︎ Dec 06 2022
What is a bumble bees blood type on a good day?
π︎ 42
π
︎ Nov 15 2022
Are people born with a photographic memory?
π︎ 5k
π
︎ Aug 03 2022
What did the atom say to the joke from the new electron?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Sep 04 2022
Mr Wong and Mrs Wong has a baby and called it 'Left'
because 2 Wongs don't make a right.
π︎ 70
π
︎ Oct 14 2022
I wrote down the names of all the people I hate on a piece of paper, but my roommate used it to roll up a joint.
Now heβs high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.
π︎ 60
π
︎ Nov 08 2022
A teacher asks her class what their favourite letter is. A boy at the back puts up his hand and says "G". The teacher says,
π︎ 242
π
︎ Sep 23 2022
No one in Antarctica had Covid 19
It's because they're ice-o-lated
π︎ 38
π
︎ Oct 31 2022
What type of blood do you give a pessimistic person?
π︎ 18
π
︎ Oct 16 2022
I'm an electrician, and I tried to get my son into it, but he threw a fit and said he hates electricity.
Naturally I was shocked; he got pretty charged, so I grounded him until he could conduct himself properly. Sometimes it hertz to see your kid not want to follow in your footsteps. But I think he's coming around. Not putting up as much resistance these days.
π︎ 19
π
︎ Oct 25 2022
Whoever stole my Microsoft office access
I'll find you. You have my word.
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Jul 14 2022
Three vampires walk into a bar, the barkeep asks them "Whadyl' have tonight, guys?"
The first one says "I'll have an A positive."
Second one says "That sounds good, I'll have one too!"
Barkeep asks the third one "How about you?"
Third vampire says "Naw, that A positive is too heavy. I'll have an O negative."
The barkeep says "Coming right up - two bloods and a blood light!"
π︎ 282
π
︎ Aug 25 2022
My son kept chewing on electrical chords, so I grounded him.
He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
π︎ 19
π
︎ Sep 25 2022
I'm so glad I was able to convince my daughter not to date this guy named Kelvin.
π︎ 875
π
︎ Jun 26 2022
Just got fired from The Sharper Image
π︎ 499
π
︎ Jul 02 2022
I met a bottle of wine that had a very sad outlook on life.
Theyβll never get anywhere with that βpour meβ attitude.
π︎ 89
π
︎ Aug 16 2022
A man sits by a sidewalk with a box of broken batteries. Someone walks up to him and asks "How much?"
The man on the sidewalk replies "Nothing, they're free of charge"
π︎ 14
π
︎ Jul 26 2022
Statistics show that Russian roulette is actually a popular game
1 in 6 people find it mind blowing.
π︎ 5k
π
︎ Apr 01 2022
Don't use double negatives....
π︎ 4
π
︎ Aug 13 2022
I'm campaigning for someone named Mr. Tricity.
I'm just hanging signs for him that simply say, "Elect Tricity."
π︎ 6
π
︎ Sep 17 2022
PG&E shut off my electricity this morning.
I was powerless to stop them.
π︎ 63
π
︎ Jul 30 2022
Did you know having a certain blood type makes you more optimistic?
π︎ 92
π
︎ Jul 20 2022
Why did the photograph go to prison
π︎ 29
π
︎ Aug 13 2022
Before the invention of mathematical zero
People didn't know nothing
π︎ 11
π
︎ Jun 02 2022
Ran into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot
Her: Hey, what's up?
Me: Oh, just going into the [nervously glancing at store sign] -4
π︎ 324
π
︎ May 20 2022
Its hard to trust atoms
π︎ 18
π
︎ Jun 18 2022
Why is the 0 sad?
π︎ 23
π
︎ Jul 24 2022
Most people don't understand what it's like being homeless.
Mostly because they live sheltered lives.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Aug 31 2022
I have some used batteries if anyone needs them...
π︎ 158
π
︎ May 31 2022
I totally understand how batteries feel...
...because I'm rarely included in things either.
π︎ 802
π
︎ Apr 11 2022
I saw two large bumps on my car battery so I had them tested.
One came back positive. I hope it's not terminal.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jul 21 2022
I need to make a decision: Do I become a hairdresser or a dungeon master?
π︎ 43
π
︎ May 11 2022
My father died
We were not able to remember his blood type. While dying, he insisted we βbe positiveβ although it is quite hard for us to be without him.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jul 07 2022
Iβm not a very grounded person. My wife bought me a Tens unit..
π︎ 2
π
︎ Aug 12 2022
Son's first birthday party!
Today is my son's first birthday party!!!! His first birthday party! He's turning six.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jul 11 2022
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