They're to die for.
πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ZajazMiner
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2022
🚨︎ report
Cars would have less need for seat belts

If people would just buy car seats that fit appropriately.

πŸ‘︎ 223
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πŸ‘€︎ u/moose2mouse
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2022
🚨︎ report
Why was the math book sad

Because it had too many problems

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheMeeme
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2022
🚨︎ report
A priest, a pastor, and a rabbit walked into a clinic to donate blood. The doctor says to the rabbit: "What's your blood type?"

"I'm probably a Type O", the rabbit replied with great sadness.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2022
🚨︎ report
I asked old Maud how she lost her husband. She told me her sad story..

"Well, he needed a blood transfusion, but his blood type was not on record, so the doctors asked me if I knew what it was, as they urgently needed to know, in order to save my Norman's life.

Tragically, I've never known his blood type, so I only had time to sit and say goodbye. I'll never forget how supportive my Norman was. Even as he was fading away, he kept on whispering to me, "Be positive, be positive!"

That was my Norman! Always thinking of others."

EDIT: thanks for my first award whoever you were!

πŸ‘︎ 60
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rob_d_t
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2022
🚨︎ report
Why is six afraid of seven?

Because seven is a registered six offender.

πŸ‘︎ 211
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πŸ‘€︎ u/earthisadonuthole
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2022
🚨︎ report
One time a battery theif was caught

The police told him he's getting charged for robbery

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Egg-celent
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2022
🚨︎ report
People think that binary is too difficult, but it's really not.

It's as easy as 1 10 11.

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AI_Experiment_72
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2022
🚨︎ report
I don’t make mathematical puns unless I’m desperate.

But I’ll make one if I half two.

πŸ‘︎ 792
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2022
🚨︎ report
An old lady at the ATM asked if I could check her balance

So I pushed her over.

πŸ‘︎ 131
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ok_Presence36
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2022
🚨︎ report
Crows.

My grandpappy told me when he was a boy it got so hot that the corn in the fields popped. The crows thought it was snow, and they all froze to death!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RimshotThudpucker
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2022
🚨︎ report
What do you call an orphans family photo?

A selfie

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gengaroo28
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2022
🚨︎ report
What is a bumble bees blood type on a good day?

B Positive

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TRAKRACER
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2022
🚨︎ report
Are people born with a photographic memory?

Or do they develop it??

πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Darren_heat
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2022
🚨︎ report
What did the atom say to the joke from the new electron?

"Ion get it."

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wqferr
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2022
🚨︎ report
Mr Wong and Mrs Wong has a baby and called it 'Left'

because 2 Wongs don't make a right.

πŸ‘︎ 70
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dadjokeschannel
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2022
🚨︎ report
I wrote down the names of all the people I hate on a piece of paper, but my roommate used it to roll up a joint.

Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.

πŸ‘︎ 60
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πŸ‘€︎ u/throwawayreddit73
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2022
🚨︎ report
A teacher asks her class what their favourite letter is. A boy at the back puts up his hand and says "G". The teacher says,

"Why is that Angus?"

πŸ‘︎ 242
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RickySan65
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2022
🚨︎ report
No one in Antarctica had Covid 19

It's because they're ice-o-lated

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ComfortableNo2879
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2022
🚨︎ report
What type of blood do you give a pessimistic person?

B Positive.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kevindavis338
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2022
🚨︎ report
I'm an electrician, and I tried to get my son into it, but he threw a fit and said he hates electricity.

Naturally I was shocked; he got pretty charged, so I grounded him until he could conduct himself properly. Sometimes it hertz to see your kid not want to follow in your footsteps. But I think he's coming around. Not putting up as much resistance these days.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/UsErnaam3
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2022
🚨︎ report
Whoever stole my Microsoft office access

I'll find you. You have my word.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Hybrid_Skills
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2022
🚨︎ report
Three vampires walk into a bar, the barkeep asks them "Whadyl' have tonight, guys?"

The first one says "I'll have an A positive."

Second one says "That sounds good, I'll have one too!"

Barkeep asks the third one "How about you?"

Third vampire says "Naw, that A positive is too heavy. I'll have an O negative."

The barkeep says "Coming right up - two bloods and a blood light!"

πŸ‘︎ 282
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ksiyoto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2022
🚨︎ report
My son kept chewing on electrical chords, so I grounded him.

He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ProfPacific
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2022
🚨︎ report
I'm so glad I was able to convince my daughter not to date this guy named Kelvin.

He's an absolute zero.

πŸ‘︎ 875
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ebbuilds313
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2022
🚨︎ report
Just got fired from The Sharper Image

They said I lack focus

πŸ‘︎ 499
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πŸ‘€︎ u/don2779
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2022
🚨︎ report
I met a bottle of wine that had a very sad outlook on life.

They’ll never get anywhere with that β€œpour me” attitude.

πŸ‘︎ 89
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BryansBigHole
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2022
🚨︎ report
A man sits by a sidewalk with a box of broken batteries. Someone walks up to him and asks "How much?"

The man on the sidewalk replies "Nothing, they're free of charge"

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotAGodzillaFan
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2022
🚨︎ report
Statistics show that Russian roulette is actually a popular game

1 in 6 people find it mind blowing.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/deadheadway
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2022
🚨︎ report
Don't use double negatives....

They are a big No. No.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2022
🚨︎ report
I'm campaigning for someone named Mr. Tricity.

I'm just hanging signs for him that simply say, "Elect Tricity."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Upvoter_NeverDie
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2022
🚨︎ report
PG&E shut off my electricity this morning.

I was powerless to stop them.

πŸ‘︎ 63
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2022
🚨︎ report
Did you know having a certain blood type makes you more optimistic?

It’s β€œB positive”.

πŸ‘︎ 92
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2022
🚨︎ report
Why did the photograph go to prison

It was framed

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OwenJthomas89
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2022
🚨︎ report
Before the invention of mathematical zero

People didn't know nothing

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CoffeeAddict-1
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2022
🚨︎ report
Ran into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot

Her: Hey, what's up? Me: Oh, just going into the [nervously glancing at store sign] -4

πŸ‘︎ 324
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JapCarRealGood
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2022
🚨︎ report
Its hard to trust atoms

They make up everything!

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Lemuno500
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2022
🚨︎ report
Why is the 0 sad?

He has noone

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheBigBoas
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2022
🚨︎ report
Most people don't understand what it's like being homeless.

Mostly because they live sheltered lives.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Drexelhand
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2022
🚨︎ report
I have some used batteries if anyone needs them...

...free of charge

πŸ‘︎ 158
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hoosierdude73
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2022
🚨︎ report
I totally understand how batteries feel...

...because I'm rarely included in things either.

πŸ‘︎ 802
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jvlpdillon
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2022
🚨︎ report
I saw two large bumps on my car battery so I had them tested.

One came back positive. I hope it's not terminal.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/k_woz1978
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2022
🚨︎ report
I need to make a decision: Do I become a hairdresser or a dungeon master?

It's do or die.

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/greedydita
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2022
🚨︎ report
My father died

We were not able to remember his blood type. While dying, he insisted we β€œbe positive” although it is quite hard for us to be without him.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2022
🚨︎ report
I’m not a very grounded person. My wife bought me a Tens unit..

It was shocking!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mpenderg
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2022
🚨︎ report
Son's first birthday party!

Today is my son's first birthday party!!!! His first birthday party! He's turning six.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jdimezillas
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2022
🚨︎ report

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