This year, my friend decided to play his string instrument with a neck and a deep round back enclosing a hollow cavity, with a sound hole in the body at the voting booths...

He was arrested for ear poll-lute-tion.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
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Did you know that newborns have weak necks and need to have their heads supported?

Just a heads up.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Iswitt
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
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A bloke came up to me and said im going to attack you with the neck of my guitar.

I said to him is that a Fret!

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tiger7971
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
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I cricked my neck a few weeks ago and it’s changed my life forever.

I haven’t looked back since

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tackit286
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
🚨︎ report
My doctor bit my neck and tried to give me a hickey.

1 star review for Dr. Acula

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VeryLastBison
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
🚨︎ report
My daughter turned 18 today, so I bought her a locket and put her picture in it. As I gently placed it around her neck, chocking back the tears, I said, "Well, sweetheart, I guess you really are..."

...independent!"

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2018
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A sore neck was the inspiration for my wife and I to make up this joke together...

A man was telling his friend that his neck was sore. His friend asked him, β€œwhat happened”? The man said that varmints had been tearing up his yard and that he had been spending hours digging through the dirt trying to repair the damage. His friend says, β€œgo for massage and that should take care of the problem”.

A couple of days pass and the two meet up again. The friend asked the man, β€œhow did it go?” The man says, β€œwell, I have to tell you, they are hard to catch, but once you get ahold of them and get started, those gophers sure seem to like their massage”.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jdinmd
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2020
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My dad just told me, β€œWhen I was your age and saw a girl, I first looked at her hair, then her eyes, then her neck...”

Damn dial up connections!

πŸ‘︎ 130
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2018
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And the award for the best neck ware goes to....

Huh, would you look at that, it was a tie.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2019
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My daughter turned 18 today, so I bought her a locket and put her picture in it. As I gently placed it around her neck, chocking back the tears, I said, "Well, sweetheart, I guess you really are..." reddit.com/r/dadjokes/com…
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/alextound
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2018
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Told my family I was telling jokes in my sleep and woke up with a sore neck.

That's what I get for sleeping funny on it.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/reydeguitarra
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2018
🚨︎ report
I went in for a routine checkup, and they took way too much in the blood draw. I was dizzy, and it was a real pain in the neck...

I'm just not sure about this Dr. Acula.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mr_zensphere
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2018
🚨︎ report
A man walks into a bar with his pet giraffe, the barman asks what he can get them and the man orders a pint for himself and 20 shots for the giraffe, the giraffe necks all 20 shots and falls on the ground, the man goes to leave the bar and the barman says "HEY, you can't leave that lyin there!"

The man says "that's not a lion, that's a giraffe"

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChazyLamy
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2018
🚨︎ report
Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun and one brought some cough drops

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
A boy knocks his father down the stairs in a freak accident.

The father breaks his neck and dies, leaving his son to mourn for days. However, one night, the boy wakes up to see an apparition of his father before him. All at once, he breaks down crying, and screams out, "I'm sorry!"

His father responds, "Hi Sorry, I'm dead!"

πŸ‘︎ 330
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aquarian9
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
🚨︎ report
The police show up on a crime scene

They walk in and see a man standing over a body with a broken neck. So they take the man into questioning and ask him why he did it, the man said β€œIt was a snap decision”

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bear6677
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I made a clone of Patrick Stewart but something went terribly wrong.

The clone slammed me into a wall and lifted me by the neck. What could I do? I’d been hoisted by my own Picard.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tigger3370
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
🚨︎ report
If I turned into a horse

My head and neck hair would be my mane concern

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bobaex
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2020
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A man is walking into an expensive restaurant when...

A man is walking into an expensive restaurant when he is stopped by the Maitre'D, who tells him that he can't be admitted without a necktie. The man, late for his appointment, runs back out to his car and searches high and low. Finally, out of desperation, he grabs a set of jumper cables, ties them into a rough knot around his neck and runs back into the restaurant. The Maitre'D stares at him for a few seconds and finally says, "Alright, I'll let you in..." and then leans in and says in a low growl, "but you'd better not try to start anything."

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sherzeg
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2020
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Did you hear about the race between two ties?

It was neck and neck

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iceberger3
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2020
🚨︎ report
How does an ant put on a tie?

With a considerable deal of practice and skill and the correct combination of knots in the tie so it can properly be secured on the neck. It's an ant-tie joke.

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2019
🚨︎ report
One-line vampire jokes for Halloween

What would you get if you crossed a vampire and a teacher?

Lots of blood tests!

Why did Dracula’s mother give him cough medicine?

Because he was having a coffin fit.

Why did the vampire’s lunch give him heartburn?

It was a stake sandwich.

Dracula decided he needed a dog, which breed did he choose?

A bloodhound.

What is a vampire’s favorite holiday?

Fangsgiving.

What did the vampire say to the Invisible Man?

β€˜Long time, no see!’

Why is Dracula so unpopular?

Because he’s a pain in the neck!

http://bestcleanfunnyjokes.com/one-line-vampire-jokes-for-halloween/

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfraymond
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
🚨︎ report
So this might have been posted before but...

A boy was in love with a girl. Madly in love. He told his older brother, who suggested he ask her to the upcoming prom. So, that night, he went to her house with some flowers and chocolates and asked the girl to the prom.

She was overjoyed. She took the flowers and hugged him around the neck. When he went home, his brother told him he had to get ready. Prom was in only a week!

The next day, he traveled to a suit store. He picked out the perfect one. It would go perfectly with his date’s dress. He picked his up and went to check out. Unfortunately, it seems a lot of people were buying suits, as the line nearly went out of the store. He groaned, but anything for his love. After two long hours, he finally got his suit.

A couple days later, his brother suggested that he rent a limo. He and his brother went to rent one that evening. When they arrived, they discovered that there were nearly 50 people waiting to rent a vehicle. They waited for nearly three hours, but they were finally able to rent a limo for the big day.

The afternoon before the dance, he went to buy some flowers for his date. Unfortunately, the store seemed to be having a sale, and the checkout lines extended into the parking lot. He stomped his foot. β€œWhy is it that every time I go to buy something, everyone else wants to buy it too?!” He begrudgingly waited for nearly four hour before walking out with a bouquet of roses.

That night, he rode in the limo to his date’s house. She got in, and they talked the entire trip. He presented her with the flowers, which she adored. Her dress was stunning, and went perfectly with his suit.

They arrived at the school and got out, arms linked. They walked inside, said hi to a couple of friends, and began dancing and enjoying the night.

About halfway through the dance, the boy was parched. He told his girl that he was going to get a drink. He walked over to the snack table and discovered that there was no punch line.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ohihatethesepants
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2018
🚨︎ report
Why did the vampire attend the Kentucky Derby?

He heard the race was going to be neck and neck.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lemystery
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2019
🚨︎ report
There was once a priest who went to see the world after taking his oath....

After many years of wandering, he finally arrived in a small village in the middle of nowhere. The people there believed in the same religion as he did, but they had no church; they had to go to the nearest one which was in a small town 25 km's from there. The priest took the initiative, asked the Church for support, and with the help of the local men they built their own temple. From there on, he was celebrating the Sunday masses, joining together men and women in Holy Matrimony, and saying prayers at the funerals.

Many years passed by like that.

At the end of an ordinary mass, in early spring, on a chilly Sunday morning he was just guiding the people out of the church, was about to close the gates when an unknown man stepped into the churchyard.

With his dirty and torn clothes, he stood before the priest and said:

  • Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was a good man, and even though he thought the request was a bit strange, he went back to the rectory, took out a lemon, cut it in half, took it back to the man and gave it to him, who looked back to the priest with gratitude. However, the priest was curious. He asked:

  • Son, why do you need this half of a lemon? - with a fright on his face, and before the priest could have said a thing, he rushed out of the churchyard gate and took off.

A week later, around the same time, when the priest was leaving the church, he found himself in front of the same man in the churchyard. The man said:

  • Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was surprised by the appearance of the man and his strange request. Of course he was good, went back to the rectory, and brought the half lemon. Placed it in the stranger’s hand and immediately he asked:

  • Here it is, my dear son, but please tell me why do you need this half a lemon? - the man was obviously frightened and immediately ran away but the priest was not sluggish either and ran after him. He wasn’t in a very good condition, he has never run so much and so fast before so he was out of breath by the end of the village, almost fainted. He thought the strange man might appear again next week, and it would be nice if he could keep up with him, so he spent his week working on his cardio. It turned out to be a good idea, because as he thought, the stranger entered the churchyard on Sunday. The priest didn’t even wait for the request, he was good, and brought the half lemon. He received these words from the man:

  • Thank you

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 66
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Doty152
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2018
🚨︎ report
Did you hear the one about the cannibal mermaid?

She would behead other unsuspecting merfolk and toss their gills and necks into hot water, which she would gleefully drink. Luckily, justice was swift, and the courts quickly found her gill-tea.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the race between the giraffe and the ostrich?

It was neck and neck the whole way.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/December_Soul
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2019
🚨︎ report
I met conjoined twins and I'm not sure which one I like more.

They're neck and neck.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2018
🚨︎ report
My friend and I are in a beard growing contest.

Right now it is neck and neck.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2018
🚨︎ report
Hopalong Happychopper walks into the saloon and the bartender says, "Howdy stranger, ain't seen you in these parts, so you must be here to watch the hanging!" Hopalong looks the bartender menacingly in the eyes and replies, "Nope, but seeing we're talking, who are you hanging?"

The bartender responds, "Well, ain't you heard cowboy, we gonna string up Brown Paper Rattler mighty high, even the angels are gonna hear his neck break!"

Hopalong asks, "Why they call him Brown Paper Rattler?"

The bartender chuckles, "Why, old Rattler wears a brown paper Stetson, a brown paper waistcoat and even right down to brown paper socks."

Puzzled, Hopalong then asks, "So why you hanging him?"

...and the bartender replies, "For rustling."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Are you Hungary [OC]

Are Ukraine your neck to Czech on the Turkey that they put down the Holland Finished with Chilli because there is Norway it will have Germans on it if you Russia to get there to Welsh and eat it because you're Hungary. Or will you let it die in Spain and leave Denmark on your name. If you do will you leave it on the Iraq and leave because Iran away to save my Korea.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedDragon98
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2017
🚨︎ report
How did the guitarist die?

He crashed his pickup into a bridge and broke his neck.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/0LORD-VADER0
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2018
🚨︎ report
My dad got me good

Context: Lately our ceiling has been leaking so we've put a bucket on the floor to keep all the water in one place

So I was coming down the stairs while using my phone and without looking where I was going, absentmindedly tripped over the bucket, letting the water stored go everywhere. My dad comes rushing in to see what all the noise was about because I had just made quite the ruckus. After telling him what happened, he slowly put two fingers on my neck as to check my pulse. I ask what he's doing and he replies "I'm just making sure my son is okay, he just kicked the bucket," He was very proud of himself for it and got a chuckle out of me.

πŸ‘︎ 276
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gideonthecat
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2015
🚨︎ report
So this guy says to me...

"I'm gonna hit you with the neck of my guitar."

And I said, "Is that a fret?"

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr__McGraw
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2016
🚨︎ report
No entry

Man walks up to a club, security stops him saying β€œsorry mate, can’t come in without a tie on”. Man pleads but gets the same answer.

He goes to his car across the road and looks in the trunk, he can only find a set of jump cables so puts them round his neck.

He approaches the club again, the bouncer says β€œalright, you can come in....but don’t you start anything”

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TackySour
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2018
🚨︎ report
Unexpected dad joke at work

It's been really cold in my neck of the world lately. Today a coworker came into the office and said, "I'm freezing."

My other coworker replies, "You're just going through a phase."

I'm not entirely sure it's a dad joke (it wasn't "Hi freezing, I'm [name]"), and maybe it's only hilarious to us because we're chemists, but I thought this subreddit might enjoy this.

πŸ‘︎ 119
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Panaphobe
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2013
🚨︎ report
Horse Puns

Funniest horse puns and jokes

A white horse walks into a pub and asks for a whisky. The landlord says: β€œHey, we’ve got a whisky named after you.” The horse replies: β€œWhat, George?”


A horse trudges slowly into a pub and orders a drink. β€œEvenin’” says the barman, β€œwhy the long face?”


A horse walks into a smart cocktail bar. The doorman says: β€œWait you can’t come in here without a tie.”The horse goes out to his car, looks in the boot and gets a set of jump leads, which he ties around his neck.He goes back in and says to the barman: β€œThis alright?” The barman says: β€œHmm, ok… but don’t be starting anything.”


A poorly-looking horse limps into a bar with a bandage round his head. He orders a glass of champagne, a vintage brandy and two pints of Guinness. He downs the lot and says to the barman: β€œI shouldn’t really be drinking this with what I’ve got?” β€œWhy, what have you got?” β€œAbout Β£2 and a carrot.”


Which side of a horse has more hair? The outside What’s a horse’s favourite TV show? Neighbours


A racehorse owner takes his horse to the vet. β€œWill I be able to race this horse again?,” he asks The vet replies: β€œOf course you will, and you’ll probably win!”


Did you hear about the depressed horse? He told a tale of whoa!


A dead horse walks into a bar and orders a whisky.

β€œI’m sorry, sir,” says the barman. β€œWe don’t serve spirits..


A talking horse walks into a bar and approaches the manager. β€œExcuse me, good sir,” the horse says, β€œare you hiring?” The manager looks the horse up and down and says, β€œSorry, pal. Why don’t you try the circus?” The horse nickers. β€œWhy would the circus need a bartender?”


Did you hear about the man who was hospitalized with six plastic horses inside him? The doctor described his condition as stable.


What did the horse say when it fell? β€œI’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!”


Q. What does it mean if you find a horseshoe? A. Some poor horse is walking around in his socks.


A man rode his horse to town on Friday. The next day he rode back on Friday. How is this possible? The horse’s name was Friday.


Why did the pony have to gargle? Because it was a little horse!


What did the horse say when it fell? I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!


What did the teacher say when the horse walked into the class? Why the long face?


What do you call a horse that lives next door? A neigh-bo

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2017
🚨︎ report
My cousin looks like he has no chin

We were making fun of my cousin because it looks like he doesn't have a chin, it blends with his neck. His dad has the same thing.

I told him "I guess you have your dad's Chinetics" and my cousin asked me to see myself out the door.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/spicyitallian
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2017
🚨︎ report
Dad joked by my 7yr old son

In typical dad fashion, I took my hand that was holding my cold beverage and put it on the back of his neck. My son looks up and goes

"Gee Dad, you're finally cool."

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GimpyJesus
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2014
🚨︎ report
Surgery

So my dad owns a computer repair company, and he needed surgery for a cyst in his neck today.

He sent me a picture of his head wrapped in bandages when he was on his way home saying "Added in some memory today". To which I responded: "Did they have to RAM it in?".

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2017
🚨︎ report

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