if someone drinks the same tea every day with no interest in trying any new blends

they don't steep around

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/santagrandpa
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2021
🚨︎ report
I went to the grocery store and the sign said no food or drinks inside.

So I went back home

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rubNTugInc
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
🚨︎ report
No-drink can stop us now
πŸ‘︎ 42
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/whyizitwet
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Here are two reasons why no one should drink toilet water.

Number 1.

Number 2.

πŸ‘︎ 70
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2019
🚨︎ report
I was walking away from McDonald's with my drink sipping from my straw and I heard the lady tell the guy behind me that there were no straws left

This was the last straw

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Alpha_Dynamite
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2019
🚨︎ report
When someone drinks alcohol, people call the alcoholic, when someone drinks Fanta, no one calls them fantastic.

This isn't my joke, I just thought it deserves to be on r/puns

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/vVeemo
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2019
🚨︎ report
No matter how much pop I drink I’m still so thirsty...

I must be soda hydrated.

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rogan2929
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2019
🚨︎ report
When you're thirsty but no drinks are around...

Wat-er you gonna do?

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/razzlesnazzlepasz
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2016
🚨︎ report
Have you been drinking? I smell beer on your breath.

No, I’ve been eating frog legs. What you smell is the hops!

πŸ‘︎ 94
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LTenaciouSD
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2021
🚨︎ report
So I asked Satan if he had any milk I could drink...

He told me "No whey in Hell!"

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CalmingVisionary
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2021
🚨︎ report
An anteater walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Can I get you a drink?"

"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"

"How about something to eat?"

"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"

"What about some peanuts?"

"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"

Frazzled, the bartender cries, "What's with the long no's!?"

The anteater replies, "I was born with it!"

πŸ‘︎ 175
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2021
🚨︎ report
A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a drink

The bartender says for you no charge

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Passthesyrupbro
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2021
🚨︎ report
David Hasselhoff walked into a bar and ordered a drink.

β€œIt’s a pleasure to serve you, Mr. Hasselhoff”, said the bartender.

β€œJust call me Hoff”, he replied.

β€œSure”, said the bartender, β€œno hassle”.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MGreenMN
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I've been reading so many horrible things about drinking and smoking recently, that I've made a firm new year's resolution..

..NO MORE READING !!

πŸ‘︎ 226
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
🚨︎ report
Santa and the elves are drinking around the fire and one of the elves says:

β€œSanta: you’ve been around since the 4th century, seen alphabets and languages rise and fall. Do you have a favorite letter?”

Claus thinks about it, scratches his thick white beard and says: β€œA B C D E F G H I J K M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z”

β€œWell Santa, I just asked for one. What does that mean?”

β€œAnd I gave you one! My favorite letter of the alphabet is the most Christmasy one out there! No-L!”

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
🚨︎ report
A mother gave birth to a boy with a defect, he only had a head.

There was no body, arms or legs to him but he was functioning normal and his parents loved him. On his 21st birthday his dad took him to a bar, bought him a beer and gave it to him to drink. Suddenly his torso grew out of his head. Around him amazed the bar started chanting β€œDrink, Drink!” His dad got a second beer and gave it to him, this time he grew arms and hands. The stunned crowd all chanted again β€œDrink, Drink” He got his third beer and drank it himself with his new hands, suddenly legs and feet grew. The crowd applauded and cheered. The son couldn’t believe it and started to run. He ran around in circles and then out of the bar. Unfortunately he ran into the road, got hit by a truck and was killed instantly. The barman looked at his dad, sighed and said β€œHe should have quit while he was a head”

πŸ‘︎ 161
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr-E-Droflah
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2021
🚨︎ report
I arrived early to the restaurant. The manager said do you mind waiting a bit? I said no.

Good, he said. Take these drinks to table nine.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BillyBob_TX
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
🚨︎ report
A man walks into a bar

A man walked into a bar with his dog and ordered a few drinks. At the end of the night, when he got the tab, he was astounded at the $50 check. He calls the bar tender over hoping to strike a deal. β€œBartender, I only have 20 bucks I can’t pay for this drink. Let’s make a deal, if my dog can talk then you’ll let me have my drinks for free.” The bartender states, β€œthere is no way that damn dog can talk! Pay me the money!” The man in response states, β€œNo no sir, watch. Spots, what kind of situation are you in when you didn’t study for a test?” The dog, β€œRuff!” The man carries on the bit, β€œSee bar tender my dog can talk! You’re in a rough situation when you don’t study!” The bartender, β€œNow boy don’t play with me now, just pay your tab, that dog can’t talk!” β€œWell here, I’ll prove it to you. Spots, what texture is sandpaper?” β€œRuff!” The bartender reaches hand over the counter, almost touching the man, β€œI won’t ask again sir.” β€œI have one more, just watch. Spots, who is the best baseball player?” β€œRuff!” The bartender, done being fooled with, throws the man in his dog out of the bar, taking all his money. He looks at his dog sadly, β€œsorry spots, I guess he doesn’t believe you can talk...” The dog looks up, confused, β€œmaybe I should’ve said DiMaggio.”

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DorkeyTree
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2021
🚨︎ report
Last month my doctor told me, "Bob, this is seriously urgent. You really have to start drinking less vodka."

I've been out to at least 40 different bars since then, but no one seems to carry that brand. Anyone know where to find it?

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BuhoBuhoGris
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I tried to convince one of my co workers to buy the first round of drinks after our shift...

He said no, but it was worth a shot.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KingmanEXE
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
🚨︎ report
A neutron goes up to the bar and orders a drink.

When asking the bartender how much it costs they reply β€œFor you? No charge.”

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/atoterrano
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Had too many drinks at the pub last night, so the lads suggested I leave the car there and take the bus home.

Turns out I was in no fit state to drive it home either.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2020
🚨︎ report
If the label on the orange juice says β€œno pulp”, and while drinking you find pulp, does that make the label Pulp Fiction?
πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/esjay86
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef

What do you call a cow with two legs?

Lean beef

What do you call a cow that has been knighted?

Sir Loin

What do you call a cow with a twitch?

Beef Jerky

What do you call a cow that dies in a helicopter crash?

Kobe Beef

πŸ‘︎ 131
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/_Composer
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Last time I was on a flight, the stewardess approached me and asked, β€œSir, would you care for a drink?”

I asked her, β€œwhat are my options?”

She said, β€œyes or no.”

πŸ‘︎ 69
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheMikeD1
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Just some puns

1: I had a crazy dream last night! I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. Turns out it was just a Fanta sea. 2: Can February March? No, but April May. 3: I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me. 4: Never trust an atom, they make up everything! 5: Β I made a pun about the wind but it blows. 6: I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off! 7: What did the sushi say to the bee? Wasabee! 8: Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink! 9: I asked a Frenchman if he played video games. He said Wii

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ricardo_my_man
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2021
🚨︎ report
My five-year-old came up with this one: "What does Daddy drink when he has a bad cough?"

"Coffee. Get it? Cough-ee."

πŸ‘︎ 606
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Blinkle
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2017
🚨︎ report
When I drink alcohol, everyone says I’m alcoholic

But when I drink Fanta, no one says I’m fantastic...

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/math-pro
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do Russian astronauts only drink black coffee?

Because in space, no one here use cream

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Nightman_82
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Wife: β€œTommy said you’re giving up drinking for a month?”

Me: No, I said... β€œI’m giving up! Drinking for a month!”

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/fdharp0803
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2020
🚨︎ report
I asked the bartender for the WiFi password but he told me to buy a drink first. So I ordered a Moscow Mule and asked him again. He handed me a card with the password. It said:

"Buy a drink first" ... no spaces, all lowercase.

πŸ‘︎ 56
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2019
🚨︎ report
A proud new dad sits to have a drink with his father.

"Well son, now that you've got a kid of your own, I think it's time to give you this"

"Dad, you don't mean-"

"Yes son, I do" Dad pulls out a copy of 1001 dad jokes.

"Dad .. I'm honoured ..", he says, tears sparkling in his eyes.

"Hi honored", replies his father. "I'm dad".

πŸ‘︎ 52
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MajorTom1998
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2017
🚨︎ report
To my drinking friends

I just read an article on the dangers of drinking....

Scared the crap out of me!

So that's it!

After today, no more reading.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Last St. Patrick's Day I went out drinking, had a bit too much so I took a bus home.

That may be no big deal to you, but I'd never driven a bus before.

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shantron5000
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2020
🚨︎ report
An old man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously, they were thinking, "That poor old couple...all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple.

The old man said, they were just fine, they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.

She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.

This time the old woman said, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked, "What is it you are waiting for?"

She answered, "THE TEETH!"

πŸ‘︎ 103
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Can a werewolf drink Coors light?

No, because it's the silver bullet.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SingleDadtoOne
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2019
🚨︎ report
I went to the grocery store and the sign said "No food or drinks inside"

So I went home.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/serrttrans
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2019
🚨︎ report
An anteater walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Can I get you a drink?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!" "How about something to eat?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!" "What about some peanuts?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"

Frazzled, the bartender cries, "What's with the long no's!?"

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
A neutron walks into a bar and asks, "How much for a drink?"

The bartender replies, "For you, no charge".

πŸ‘︎ 91
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SolgaleoGamePlays
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2020
🚨︎ report
An anteater walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Can I get you a drink?"

"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"

"How about something to eat?"

"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"

"What about some peanuts?"

"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"

Frazzled, the bartender cries, "What's with the long no's!?"

The anteater replies, "I was born with it!"

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
🚨︎ report
a neutron goes into a bar and asks "how much for a drink?"

the barman replies "for you, no charge".

πŸ‘︎ 40
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Blazypika2
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2020
🚨︎ report
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. He asks, "How much?"

The bartender replies, "For you, no charge!"

πŸ‘︎ 41
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GuardianoftheVoid
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2020
🚨︎ report
A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a drink, bartender looks at him and says

"for you, no charge."

πŸ‘︎ 87
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dudeinthepnw
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2019
🚨︎ report
So a dead battery walks into a bar and orders a drink. He asks the bartender how much.

For you? No charge.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GotMyOrangeCrush
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2020
🚨︎ report

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