My Wish Puns

Me: “I don’t know, I wasn’t listening”

...but then my life would be meetingless.

It's just water under the fridge.

That’s a lot of pressure.

Rather worried, Noah said “But my Lord, have the people not been good this time? Must there be another flood?”

“No, there will not be a flood, the people have been good.” Said the Lord.

“Then why another ark?” Asked Noah.

“I wish for this ark to only house fish.” The Lord replied.

A slightly confused Noah responded “Okay... I shall do as you wish my Lord.”

“But not just any fish; only carp.” The Lord said unto him.

Noah, now more bemused, replied “Uh- okay my Lord.”

“One more thing.” The Lord said unto him “it needs to have multiple levels.”

“Are you sure my Lord? What is the purpose of this? What on earth is it all for?” Noah pressed.

And God said: “I want you to build a multi-story carp-ark.”

Passed from my father unto me, to pass onto my son when he becomes a father.

He wishes he was a millionaire, too.

My friend said "Whoa, your dad was a billionaire?"

I said "no, he also wished he was..."

But all I have is a printer

She’s dead and berried.

That way my humerus with my family forever.

I think that would be pretty handy.

It’s my induction day.

I replied with "So...you want me to c'monsoon?"

She hasn't replied yet.

Guess she stormed out.

My wish would have far reaching consequences.

Everyone at the beach started freaking out though, because we didn’t cremate him.

Friend: "What did she say?"
Me: "I don't know I wasn't listening"

I can't raise them on my own.

It’s biodegrading.

Ugg!

I said, "But you're a Domestic Woman!"

But there’s only one Friday.

"You're no better yourself!" he snapped.

I said, "Exactly. That's why I don't encourage it."

R.I.P dad, Rest In Pizza.

He blew it.

A happy new ear.

Me: Like Green Lantern?

Son: Sure, I could create Green Lantern.

Name's Joseph King.
Whenever somebody asks me, "Are you joking?"
I tell 'em, "Yeah."

You know, upholstergeist

It was to stay alive.

Mom: "please call your dog"

Dad: "who's 'Your Dog'? pause and what's his phone number?"

That’s a lot of pressure.

That’s a lot of pressure.

That’s a lot of pressure.