My Wishes Puns

It was his vinyl request.

Suit yourself

AMA!

2. Also, I don’t want to be cremated.

Me: “I don’t know, I wasn’t listening”

...but then my life would be meetingless.

It's just water under the fridge.

That’s a lot of pressure.

Rather worried, Noah said “But my Lord, have the people not been good this time? Must there be another flood?”

“No, there will not be a flood, the people have been good.” Said the Lord.

“Then why another ark?” Asked Noah.

“I wish for this ark to only house fish.” The Lord replied.

A slightly confused Noah responded “Okay... I shall do as you wish my Lord.”

“But not just any fish; only carp.” The Lord said unto him.

Noah, now more bemused, replied “Uh- okay my Lord.”

“One more thing.” The Lord said unto him “it needs to have multiple levels.”

“Are you sure my Lord? What is the purpose of this? What on earth is it all for?” Noah pressed.

And God said: “I want you to build a multi-story carp-ark.”

Passed from my father unto me, to pass onto my son when he becomes a father.

He wishes he was a millionaire, too.

I thought “well that’s unfortunate”

My friend said "Whoa, your dad was a billionaire?"

I said "no, he also wished he was..."

But all I have is a printer

I know he meant well

She’s dead and berried.

That way my humerus with my family forever.

I think that would be pretty handy.

His response: “Thanks son. I couldn’t have done it without you!”

Happy Father’s Day!!

It’s my induction day.

I replied with "So...you want me to c'monsoon?"

She hasn't replied yet.

Guess she stormed out.

I just wanted to thank everyone here. My mom has been in the hospital with the virus and being able to send her jokes from here has made her laugh (we both really like puns!) so I just wanted to thank y’all for the fun jokes you post. I know it doesn’t seem like much but it has been very nice to be able to share them with her!

Edit: thank you so much for the awards and well wishes! I 100% did not expect this to blow up like it did and I’m so glad for y’all’s support!!

My wish would have far reaching consequences.

http://imgur.com/a/1qKYz

Everyone at the beach started freaking out though, because we didn’t cremate him.

Friend: "What did she say?"
Me: "I don't know I wasn't listening"

I can't raise them on my own.

My wife immediately screamed at me "WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT TO HER!?"

I replied, "You were sad how big she was getting, so I was trying to belittle her."

It’s biodegrading.

Ugg!

I guess you could say that i have a Lotta well wishers

I said, "But you're a Domestic Woman!"

But there’s only one Friday.

It's my first slum-brrrr party so wish us luck!

"You're no better yourself!" he snapped.

I said, "Exactly. That's why I don't encourage it."

That’s a lot of pressure.

That’s a lot of pressure.

That’s a lot of pressure.

I said "Thanks! I couldn't have done it without you!"