A little boy ran up to me " please help, my Dad is in a fight " I followed and we came across two men fighting. I said, " Ok, which one is your Dad ? " ..

.. " I dunno, that's what they're fighting about "

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
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"Dad, I need help with my grammar homework. Can you name two pronouns?"

"Who, me?"

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mickerallen100
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2021
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My two sons 5&8 are playing Minecraft this morning on survival. They are working hard together to build their mansion. I crossed the room in front of the TV to grab my phone as they are balanced high on a wall constructing a roof. My son screams out, β€œDad get out of the way!”

I said, β€œYou’re the ones blocking!”

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Colbosky
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2020
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My dad always says he only gets drunk on two beers...

...the 18th and 19th.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SplashbackDeuce
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2021
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From my 70 year old dad: I hung up a map of the US in the kitchen and gave my wife a dart. I told her we would go on a two week vacation wherever she stuck the dart.

Looks like we’ll be spending two weeks behind the fridge.

πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pippingigi
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
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My dad always use to say β€˜Two heads are better than one.'

A wonderful father.

Terrible surgeon.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
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I started pulling the "Hi hungry, I'm dad" routine with my two-year-old. A couple days in, I asked her if she was hungry.

She just laughs and says, "Silly Daddy, I'm not hungry, I'm Nona." I didn't expect to be a grandfather so soon...

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheMasonX
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2019
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So my Dad bought two new fish today

He named them One and Two.

He said: - ”If one dies, I’ll always have two left”.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chipsdipp
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2020
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My dad just told me this one: Two WiFi engineer friends of mine just got married.

The wedding was ok, but the reception was fantastic!

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StefanE30325i
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
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A couple of weeks ago my dad was taking us on a camping trip preceeded by a two hour drive, so a minute before we were going to leave the house he sat me and my brother down and told us:

Speak now or forever hold your pee

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2020
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Once my dad ripped two juuls at once and said...

"I have my juul citizenship"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yoinkKing
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
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I am a unique hybrid of two exceptional athletes. My mom was all-American sprinter and my dad qualified for the Olympic marathon.

So naturally, I have been genetically gifted with the ability to run relatively slowly over very short distances.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2020
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So at 2:01PM, my dad walked into my room and said "It's two o'clock! Do you know what that means?"

I replied "No, What does it mean?"

He said..

"It means it's two o'clock!"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Green_Leader_Edd
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2020
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I just broke two of my dad's old Queen records

Now I want to break three.

πŸ‘︎ 97
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quint_Cordewener
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2019
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Got dad joked by my two year old.

Walked into the kitchen with my hammer to hang something up, "What's that, Daddy?" "It's a hammer, buddy." "What are you going to ham?"

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Flapjack22
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2015
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My two-year old's first dad joke!

Him: "Mommy, I want cookie!"

Mommy: "Can you say please?"

Him: "Yes."

#prouddadtears

Edit Sorry for the messed up hyphen in the title.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rainCloudsz
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2014
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I mixed up two letters in my Dad joke.

And now my whole post is urined.

πŸ‘︎ 147
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2018
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That time I beat my dad at his own game. In the middle of a heated lecture about not joining my friends' shenanigans, dad said, "Two wrongs don't make a right."

"Two Wrights do make an airplane."

"I'm proud of you. You're still grounded though."

πŸ‘︎ 94
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JustJosh724
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2018
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My dad saw my two cousins (both dressed as Elsa) get sticks caught in their dresses

My aunt: β€œoops look like they’re tangled up” My dad: β€œthey’re Frozen not Tangled”

πŸ‘︎ 163
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zomburger257
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2017
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Everyday for lunch I like to eat two pears, and my dad knows this.

One day I saw him dropping two pears into a bunch of brown paper bags.

β€œWhat are you doing?” I asked him.

β€œPreparing.”

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Majikin__
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2019
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My dad used to tell me that snakes are mean because they have two ends and no feet.

The ends justify the mean.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2019
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Son: Dad, I broke my arm in two places.

Dad: You should stay away from those places.

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kappi17
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2018
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When I told my dad that my crossword puzzle obsession was making me depressed, he told me not to get two down.
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Se7enineteen
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2019
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My dad says that in Texas, there are only two kinds of mosquitoes

The kind that's small enough to fly through the screen door.

And the kind that's big enough to open it.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CH1CK3NW1N95
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2018
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My dad uses these two jokes every time he drives past a cemetery.

"Wow! People must be dying to get in there."

Or

DAD: "What did one dead person say to another?"

ME: "What?"

DAD: "....................................."

ME: "Seriously, what did he say?"

DAD: "......................................"

ME: "OHHHHHHHH, I get it."

πŸ‘︎ 136
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JonathanCutrona
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2013
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My dad's response when I told him two friends of mine named Rachel were getting married.

He said "I'm not in favor of that" I asked "I thought you supported same sex marriage" He said:

"I do, I'm against inter-Rachel marriages"

πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/marycartlizer
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2015
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My dad dropped this on me about two years ago. Just found this sub...my dad belongs here
πŸ‘︎ 74
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πŸ‘€︎ u/trickiivickii
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2013
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My dad's doctor didn't show to two of his appointments. He asked for another podiatrist...

He said he didn't want to get off on the wrong foot with him.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/etfigysto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2018
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Two owls were sitting in opposite trees and hooting at each other while we were walking on a research trip. My professor earned dad joke gold.

I suggested the male owl was trying to mate with the female. My friend said no, they were probably married and it was a domestic dispute. Our professor said, "maybe someone forgot to pay their owlimony."

πŸ‘︎ 74
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2015
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My Dad made TWO dadjokes while looking for my phone.

So I was looking for my phone a few days ago (I had plans with a friend) and I asked my Dad to call it, since the ringtone would go off and reveal where it was. Me: "Hey Dad, can you call my phone? I can't find it." Dad: "Sure Minihawking" "Minihawking's phone! Minihawking's phone!" "There, I called it, but it didn't respond!" "I'm serious Dad, I have to leave in a bit" "Hi there 'serious Dad I have to leave in a bit', I'm Dad!" At first I was a bit upset that he wasn't helping (I was in a hurry), but it was rather funny now that I think of it.

πŸ‘︎ 87
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Minihawking
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2013
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Told my dad I saw two flies screwing on the wall

He turned to me and said "You mean insex?"

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Happymacz
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2015
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I sewed my dad's hand up after a glass related incident. After an hour or two and a couple drinks, I hear him yelling downstairs, "I FOUND AN IPAD IN THE MEDICINE CABINET!" m.imgur.com/QUpaMIC
πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jwidmann
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2013
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My dad and mom had this exchange today while watching a NASCAR event. I might have two dads.

Dad: "The Cottonelle driver's career must be in the toilet."

Cottonelle driver gets in wreck several minutes later.

Mom almost instantly: "They had better wipe up that mess."

These two were clearly made for each other.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fagballs3
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2017
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My Dad's Top Two Jokes

Joke #1: Me: Where is mom? Dad: Oh, she's under the bed. (Or whatever piece of furniture he thinks of first. Not once in my life have I asked him where my mom is and he's given me a straight answer. She's always under some piece of furniture.)

Joke #2: Dad: Ok, tell me how's it going... I start to talk about how I'm doing...
Dad: No, tell me how's it going. Me: .... Oh, how's it going. Dad: I'm doing great, but tell me how you are doing. (When I was little, this could go on for a while.)

My sisters and I are in our thirties and he still does whenever we call.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/knows_a_hebrew
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2014
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I was at a lunch with the family and we were eating with plastic cutlery. Two of the prongs of my fork broke, my dad turns to me and says...

"Looks like your fork is now a twok"

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cyber-Monkey
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2013
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My dad always said, "There are two ways you know you're getting old. First, you start to forget things."

I can never remember the second one.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/charina91
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2015
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My dad's two go to jokes
  1. how do you stop an dog from barking in the back seat? you move it to the front seat

  2. what did the peanut say to the elephant? nothing, peanuts can't talk

i've heard him tell them dozens of times, it's really bad

edit: words

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WhyUSoMadFor
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2014
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My dad just git me with these two

What did the termite say when he walked into a saloon?

"where is the bar tender? "

What did the three legged dog say when he went into the bar?

" I'm looking for the man who shot my paw. "

Edit: hit not git in the title. Too fat of fingers for my phone...

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GnarlyMonkey
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2015
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Dad (Mom) Joked my Two Year Old Daughter

My two year old was at the kitchen table coloring when I saw her put a crayon in a cup and pretend to drink from it. I then asked her "how was your crayon berry juice?" She just gave me a "Whatever Mom" look and kept coloring. At least my husband laughed at it!

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/snowmakesmelonely
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2015
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My grandfather, with two generations of dad jokes under his belt, lets this loose at dinner...

Grandpa: "So a Chinese fella is getting his eyes checked at the eye doctor since he can't see as well anymore. The doctor takes a good look at his eyes and tells him that he has a cataract.

He responds, 'I don't drive a Cadirrac! I drive a Rincoln Continental!'"

Oh, grandpa.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/InsipidCelebrity
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2013
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So we got two rats for my little sister and my dad wanted to name them.

He called the first one 'rata-one-ee' and the other 'Ratatouille'

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Smeagol260
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2014
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Two of my dad's favorites

Friend leaving the house: Thanks for having me over. My dad: Thanks for being had.

Me or anyone: Wow, it's really nice out. (referring to the weather) My dad: Thanks, I think I'll leave it out. (referring to his penis)

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Phallicious
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2013
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Every Thanksgiving my dad reminds us that he only likes two kinds of pie...

"Hot and cold."

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gunslinger1999
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2013
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My friends and I usually try to make as many terrible dad jokes as humanly possible. Today I came up with two...

Firstly, the other day in my Swedish language class I was conversing flirtatiously with a chick whom I sit near. She had said how she wants to be a lawyer, and the word for lawyer is "advokat" in Swedish. So I said "ah so you want to be en advokat? Cool, but why not a normal cat?"

And then earlier today I said to an American friend of mine: "If Oregon had more of an Italian herbalist population, wouldn't it become Oregano?"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KatsumotoKurier
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2015
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My two year old niece dad joked me today

Her mom is going to Reno this weekend and taking her 2 year old this happened

2 year old "I'm going to Reno!"

Me: "Whhaattt are you gonna drink and gamble?"

2 year old: "No I told you I'm going to RENO"

Made me laugh

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Not_Brandon_
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2014
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dad joked my new roomate of two days

Me- "hey Jared, what you burning in the kitchen?"

Jared- "oh just some blackened potatoes."

Me- "I guess you could call them hashblacks."

Jared- "...you fucking suck."

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PFetz
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2014
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Dad Joked my two year old...

My father was playing with my two year old son (his grandson) in the yard and was talking to him about birds when they spotted a hummingbird. They were a little ways away from us and didnt even realize that I could hear them talking. My father says... "do you know hummingbirds hum?" to my two year old. Of course my two year, who is just learning to talk, didn't really have a reply. My father then says "CAUSE THEY DONT KNOW THE WORDS". Then he laughed and laughed while my two year old stared at him. Groans could be heard from across the yard.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bobbyflorentine
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2014
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Two of my Dads favourite jokes to annoy my younger brothers

When getting ready to leave the house:

"Dad can you put my shoes on?"

"They won't fit me"

And upon picking them up from school:

"How was Doris today"

"Dad, there is no one at school called Doris"

"Oh was she sick today?"

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bakelywood
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2013
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My dad's two favorites...

Anyone: "What are ya up to?"
Dad: "Ohh, bout 5'10. You?"

If he sees anyone trip or stumble --
Dad: "Watch out, there's a little pocket of gravity there..."

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/p0rt
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2013
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