.. " I dunno, that's what they're fighting about "
"Who, me?"
I said, “You’re the ones blocking!”
...the 18th and 19th.
Looks like we’ll be spending two weeks behind the fridge.
A wonderful father.
Terrible surgeon.
She just laughs and says, "Silly Daddy, I'm not hungry, I'm Nona." I didn't expect to be a grandfather so soon...
He named them One and Two.
He said: - ”If one dies, I’ll always have two left”.
The wedding was ok, but the reception was fantastic!
Speak now or forever hold your pee
"I have my juul citizenship"
So naturally, I have been genetically gifted with the ability to run relatively slowly over very short distances.
I replied "No, What does it mean?"
He said..
"It means it's two o'clock!"
Now I want to break three.
Walked into the kitchen with my hammer to hang something up, "What's that, Daddy?" "It's a hammer, buddy." "What are you going to ham?"
Him: "Mommy, I want cookie!"
Mommy: "Can you say please?"
Him: "Yes."
#prouddadtears
Edit Sorry for the messed up hyphen in the title.
And now my whole post is urined.
"Two Wrights do make an airplane."
"I'm proud of you. You're still grounded though."
My aunt: “oops look like they’re tangled up” My dad: “they’re Frozen not Tangled”
One day I saw him dropping two pears into a bunch of brown paper bags.
“What are you doing?” I asked him.
“Preparing.”
The ends justify the mean.
Dad: You should stay away from those places.
The kind that's small enough to fly through the screen door.
And the kind that's big enough to open it.
"Wow! People must be dying to get in there."
Or
DAD: "What did one dead person say to another?"
ME: "What?"
DAD: "....................................."
ME: "Seriously, what did he say?"
DAD: "......................................"
ME: "OHHHHHHHH, I get it."
He said "I'm not in favor of that" I asked "I thought you supported same sex marriage" He said:
"I do, I'm against inter-Rachel marriages"
He said he didn't want to get off on the wrong foot with him.
I suggested the male owl was trying to mate with the female. My friend said no, they were probably married and it was a domestic dispute. Our professor said, "maybe someone forgot to pay their owlimony."
So I was looking for my phone a few days ago (I had plans with a friend) and I asked my Dad to call it, since the ringtone would go off and reveal where it was. Me: "Hey Dad, can you call my phone? I can't find it." Dad: "Sure Minihawking" "Minihawking's phone! Minihawking's phone!" "There, I called it, but it didn't respond!" "I'm serious Dad, I have to leave in a bit" "Hi there 'serious Dad I have to leave in a bit', I'm Dad!" At first I was a bit upset that he wasn't helping (I was in a hurry), but it was rather funny now that I think of it.
He turned to me and said "You mean insex?"
Dad: "The Cottonelle driver's career must be in the toilet."
Cottonelle driver gets in wreck several minutes later.
Mom almost instantly: "They had better wipe up that mess."
These two were clearly made for each other.
Joke #1: Me: Where is mom? Dad: Oh, she's under the bed. (Or whatever piece of furniture he thinks of first. Not once in my life have I asked him where my mom is and he's given me a straight answer. She's always under some piece of furniture.)
Joke #2:
Dad: Ok, tell me how's it going...
I start to talk about how I'm doing...
Dad: No, tell me how's it going.
Me: .... Oh, how's it going.
Dad: I'm doing great, but tell me how you are doing.
(When I was little, this could go on for a while.)
My sisters and I are in our thirties and he still does whenever we call.
"Looks like your fork is now a twok"
I can never remember the second one.
-
how do you stop an dog from barking in the back seat? you move it to the front seat
-
what did the peanut say to the elephant? nothing, peanuts can't talk
i've heard him tell them dozens of times, it's really bad
edit: words
What did the termite say when he walked into a saloon?
"where is the bar tender? "
What did the three legged dog say when he went into the bar?
" I'm looking for the man who shot my paw. "
Edit: hit not git in the title. Too fat of fingers for my phone...
My two year old was at the kitchen table coloring when I saw her put a crayon in a cup and pretend to drink from it. I then asked her "how was your crayon berry juice?" She just gave me a "Whatever Mom" look and kept coloring. At least my husband laughed at it!
Grandpa: "So a Chinese fella is getting his eyes checked at the eye doctor since he can't see as well anymore. The doctor takes a good look at his eyes and tells him that he has a cataract.
He responds, 'I don't drive a Cadirrac! I drive a Rincoln Continental!'"
Oh, grandpa.
He called the first one 'rata-one-ee' and the other 'Ratatouille'
Friend leaving the house: Thanks for having me over. My dad: Thanks for being had.
Me or anyone: Wow, it's really nice out. (referring to the weather) My dad: Thanks, I think I'll leave it out. (referring to his penis)
"Hot and cold."
Firstly, the other day in my Swedish language class I was conversing flirtatiously with a chick whom I sit near. She had said how she wants to be a lawyer, and the word for lawyer is "advokat" in Swedish. So I said "ah so you want to be en advokat? Cool, but why not a normal cat?"
And then earlier today I said to an American friend of mine: "If Oregon had more of an Italian herbalist population, wouldn't it become Oregano?"
Her mom is going to Reno this weekend and taking her 2 year old this happened
2 year old "I'm going to Reno!"
Me: "Whhaattt are you gonna drink and gamble?"
2 year old: "No I told you I'm going to RENO"
Made me laugh
Me- "hey Jared, what you burning in the kitchen?"
Jared- "oh just some blackened potatoes."
Me- "I guess you could call them hashblacks."
Jared- "...you fucking suck."
My father was playing with my two year old son (his grandson) in the yard and was talking to him about birds when they spotted a hummingbird. They were a little ways away from us and didnt even realize that I could hear them talking. My father says... "do you know hummingbirds hum?" to my two year old. Of course my two year, who is just learning to talk, didn't really have a reply. My father then says "CAUSE THEY DONT KNOW THE WORDS". Then he laughed and laughed while my two year old stared at him. Groans could be heard from across the yard.
When getting ready to leave the house:
"Dad can you put my shoes on?"
"They won't fit me"
And upon picking them up from school:
"How was Doris today"
"Dad, there is no one at school called Doris"
"Oh was she sick today?"
