Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.
3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.
5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.
A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”
A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'
A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.
A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”
A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.
A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.
A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”
A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.
Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.
Can February March? No, but April May!
Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!
Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.
Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?
Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!
Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape
... keep reading on reddit ➡The eldest brother picks it up, rubs it, and a genie pops out. "Alas, you have freed me!" he said. "For my freedom i shall grant each of you a wish." The first brother knew exactly what he wanted. "I wish i was home!" In a flash, he disappeared. The genie then looked to the middle brother. "I wish i was home too!" In another flash of light, he was gone. The youngest brother sat and began to cry, now being all alone on the island. He bawled his little eyes out before crying out "I wish my brothers were back."
Thanks u/Nightmuse11 for their joke reminding me of this one.
Three sisters stranded on a deserted island find a magic lamp. Inside it is a genie who agrees to grant each sister one wish.
“I want to go home,” says the oldest sister. The genie grants her wish.
“I want to go home, too,” says the youngest sister. And the genie sends her back home.
“I’m lonely,” says the middle child. “I sure wish my sisters were back here."
Okay so where I stay it is unbelievably hot at the moment. We're already on the third heatwave of this summer so far. I came home one afternoon from work to find my roommate sitting at the island counter of the kitchen working on his laptop. He had all the windows and doors wide open and said it was way too hot to work in his room. So later, while I was visiting my parents for dinner, the discussion of the weather came up and I recounted the story with my roomate. My dad got that twinkle in his eyes and said: “Well, I guess if you can’t stand the heat, get into the kitchen.”
I'this wasn't even funny, just painful. My coworker lives in Long Island but he works in Queens where I live. One day, I drove him home and he said that the traffic lights change from yellow to red so much quicker than in Long Island. After driving in both places, I realized he was right. Fastforward to today. I'm in the car with my uncle and we're going past a traffic light in Brooklyn. I tell him, "I never realized how long the lights are in Long Island." Him, "I guess that's why they call it Long Island." painful groaning
