Mount Provender Puns

Do your worst!

Carson Sheffield, the “long rifle” for the expedition sighted down the barrel of his Sharps .50. As the best shooter among his peers, he had purchased the rifle and cartridges with the highest grain capacity and length, the .50/90. Old Charlie at the trading post had assured him, “It’s got some reach. Some kick too, but it’ll take down even the biggest bull if you load the cat’idges right. An’ aim good of course.” Old Charlie had been right and had done well in his trades with the hunting crew led by Jim Prewitt over most of the past decade. The current hunt included a truncated crew and supplies. The count of freely roaming bison had been so reduced that making a livelihood from hunting the gargantuan bovines was coming to a close after a crescendo of slaughter.

He had the sight picture, even as he inhaled. He let out a half breath, all the while pressing the “slack” from the trigger… CRACK! The rifle roared in his ear, damaged by years of following his profession, so that it registered as a dull “Thump!”. There was a ragged line of answering rounds from his companions, followed by the sounds of swift and practiced reloading. Carson no longer bothered to check on his targets until after he’d made his second shot. He’d learned that long ago, when the herds were thick in numbers, and it took the individual members a moment to register that they were in danger and to determine from what direction. The herds were thin on the ground these days and he had to get in as many shots as possible before they stampeded away from the horror of speeding lead. He dropped a cow on the far side of the group and reloaded his rifle. He saw mostly dust, no more clear targets. He wouldn’t waste the ammunition that was expensive and time consuming to create and maintain.

He kept sighting, always hopeful, ever the marksman, when eventually, through the curtain of dust and bits of dried grass, he spied a massive form on the far side of the herd. It stood on a slight hummock of dirt, the only rise the eye could easily detect for miles. There were plenty of them. The plains looked flat, but for those who’d lived and worked on them for as long as he had, the slight “rolls” in the landscape were quite apparent. He watched the big bull for some time. It stood still and observed as the rest of the beasts scattered and fled from the death sticks. Then it turned its head toward him. Carson wasn’t sure whether the light played a trick or dust had coated the thick, wooly hide, but it

Isaiah 30 (KJV)

Isaiah 30:1 Woe to the rebellious children, saith the LORD, that take counsel, but not of me; and that cover with a covering, but not of my spirit, that they may add sin to sin: 2 That walk to go down into Egypt, and have not asked at my mouth; to strengthen themselves in the strength of Pharaoh, and to trust in the shadow of Egypt! 3 Therefore shall the strength of Pharaoh be your shame, and the trust in the shadow of Egypt your confusion. 4 For his princes were at Zoan, and his ambassadors came to Hanes. 5 They were all ashamed of a people that could not profit them, nor be an help nor profit, but a shame, and also a reproach. 6 The burden of the beasts of the south: into the land of trouble and anguish, from whence come the young and old lion, the viper and fiery flying serpent, they will carry their riches upon the shoulders of young asses, and their treasures upon the bunches of camels, to a people that shall not profit them. 7 For the Egyptians shall help in vain, and to no purpose: therefore have I cried concerning this, Their strength is to sit still.

Isaiah 30:8 Now go, write it before them in a table, and note it in a book, that it may be for the time to come for ever and ever: 9 That this is a rebellious people, lying children, children that will not hear the law of the LORD: 10 Which say to the seers, See not; and to the prophets, Prophesy not unto us right things, speak unto us smooth things, prophesy deceits: 11 Get you out of the way, turn aside out of the path, cause the Holy One of Israel to cease from before us. 12 Wherefore thus saith the Holy One of Israel, Because ye despise this word, and trust in oppression and perverseness, and stay thereon: 13 Therefore this iniquity shall be to you as a breach ready to fall, swelling out in a high wall, whose breaking cometh suddenly at an instant. 14 And he shall break it as the breaking of the potters’ vessel that is broken in pieces; he shall not spare: so that there shall not be found in the bursting of it a sherd to take fire from the hearth, or to take water withal out of the pit. 15 For thus saith the Lord GOD, the Holy One of Israel; In returning and rest shall ye be saved; in quietness and in confidence shall be your strength: and ye would not. 16 But ye said, No; for we will flee upon horses; therefore shall ye flee: and, We will ride upon the swift; therefore shall they that pursue yo

For context I'm a Refuse Driver (Garbage man) & today I was on food waste. After I'd tipped I was checking the wagon for any defects when I spotted a lone pea balanced on the lifts.

I said "hey look, an escaPEA"

No one near me but it didn't half make me laugh for a good hour or so!

Edit: I can't believe how much this has blown up. Thank you everyone I've had a blast reading through the replies 😂

Pilot on me!!

They’re on standbi

Dad jokes are supposed to be jokes you can tell a kid and they will understand it and find it funny.

This sub is mostly just NSFW puns now.

If it needs a NSFW tag it's not a dad joke. There should just be a NSFW puns subreddit for that.

Edit* I'm not replying any longer and turning off notifications but to all those that say "no one cares", there sure are a lot of you arguing about it. Maybe I'm wrong but you people don't need to be rude about it. If you really don't care, don't comment.

What did 0 say to 8 ?

" Nice Belt "

So What did 3 say to 8 ?

" Hey, you two stop making out "

I won't be doing that today!

You take away their little brooms

This morning, my 4 year old daughter.

Daughter: I'm hungry

Me: nerves building, smile widening

Me: Hi hungry, I'm dad.

She had no idea what was going on but I finally did it.

Thank you all for listening.

There hasn't been a post all year!

It’s pronounced “Noel.”

After all his first name is No-vac

What, then, is Chinese rap?

Edit:

Notable mentions from the comments:

• Spanish/Swedish/Swiss/Serbian hits

• French/Finnish art

• Country/Canadian rap

• Chinese/Country/Canadian rock

• Turkish/Tunisian/Taiwanese rap

There hasn't been a single post this year!

(Happy 2022 from New Zealand)

Bob

So that I could frequently say, "I am going to walk 5 miles now."

Edit: My most popular post on Reddit! 😀 Thank you for the awards.

Just to clarify, 12345678

Me grabbing a soda from my (what I thought was) half full 12pk...

Notices there's only 2;

Me: "Awe man... This is a damn bird box!" Her: "What the hell does that mean?!" Me: (Pulls both cans out & shows them to her) "It's only got Toucans."

I'm not ashamed to admit the look on her face was glorious.

I was just sitting there doing nothing.

“BOOM”?!

"That's what they're fighting about."

free

Because his Visa didn’t work.

Because the audience only responds in a low ha

A happy Uncle.....

"Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder!"

Ice-olation.

She's only eleven and says she came up with that by herself. I'm so proud 😭😭😭

"No, it doesn't."

Carson Sheffield, the “long rifle” for the expedition sighted down the barrel of his Sharps .50. As the best shooter among his peers, he had purchased the rifle and cartridges with the highest grain capacity and length, the .50/90. Old Charlie at the trading post had assured him, “It’s got some reach. Some kick too, but it’ll take down even the biggest bull if you load the cat’idges right. An’ aim good of course.” Old Charlie had been right and had done well in his trades with the hunting crew led by Jim Prewitt over most of the past decade. The current hunt included a truncated crew and supplies. The count of freely roaming bison had been so reduced that making a livelihood from hunting the gargantuan bovines was coming to a close after a crescendo of slaughter.

He had the sight picture, even as he inhaled. He let out a half breath, all the while pressing the “slack” from the trigger… CRACK! The rifle roared in his ear, damaged by years of following his profession, so that it registered as a dull “Thump!”. There was a ragged line of answering rounds from his companions, followed by the sounds of swift and practiced reloading. Carson no longer bothered to check on his targets until after he’d made his second shot. He’d learned that long ago, when the herds were thick in numbers, and it took the individual members a moment to register that they were in danger and to determine from what direction. The herds were thin on the ground these days and he had to get in as many shots as possible before they stampeded away from the horror of speeding lead. He dropped a cow on the far side of the group and reloaded his rifle. He saw mostly dust, no more clear targets. He wouldn’t waste the ammunition that was expensive and time consuming to create and maintain.

He kept sighting, always hopeful, ever the marksman, when eventually, through the curtain of dust and bits of dried grass, he spied a massive form on the far side of the herd. It stood on a slight hummock of dirt, the only rise the eye could easily detect for miles. There were plenty of them. The plains looked flat, but for those who’d lived and worked on them for as long as he had, the slight “rolls” in the landscape were quite apparent. He watched the big bull for some time. It stood still and observed as the rest of the beasts scattered and fled from the death sticks. Then it turned its head toward him. Carson wasn’t sure whether the light played a trick or dust had coated the thick, wooly hide, but it

I’d never seen him be 4.