I punched my monitor...

No my hand Hz.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2021
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Shopping for a Baby monitor
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/viky_boy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
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My monitor is on it's last legs
πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/UsablePizza
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2021
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Went in for a psychiatric evaluation and the shrink asked me to strip from the waist down!?

He said: Well, I can clearly see your nuts

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/7PrawnStar7
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2020
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(Warning: Morbid dad joke) True Story -- My family were planning my mum's funeral. We always try to keep things light and try to stay positive, just as Mum would have it...

The funeral director was asking us what we think Mum should wear in her casket.

Mum always loved to wear sarongs (fabric wraps that go around the torso and drape downward a bit like a long skirt would), so my uncle suggested that she wear a sarong in there.

The funeral director looked a bit confused, as did some of our family members, to which my uncle added:

"What's sarong with that?"

I started laughing like an idiot. He was proud of it too. The funeral director was rather shocked. We assured her, and our more proper relatives, that Mum would've absolutely loved the joke (which is very true).

His delivery was perfect. I'll never forget the risk he took. We sometimes recall the moment as a way help cushion the blows of the grieving process.

--Edit-- I appreciate the condolences. I'm doing well and the worst is behind me and my family. But thanks :)

--Edit-- Massive thanks for all the awards and kind words. And the puns! Love 'em.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zipflop
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2021
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Bill and Melinda Gates got divorced. Melinda got the house...

But Bill kept the Windows

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ScubaPride
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2021
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Guys, today was my first day in the navy and I felt so lost!

Wait. Sorry, wrong sub.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nikolai_G
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2021
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And on that note
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcastic_gooner
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2021
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*claps in monitor*
πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/doyouhavetono
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
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Why is Dark spelled with a β€˜K’ and not a β€˜C’?

Because you can’t β€˜C’ in the dark

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/streety22
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2021
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There were 30 cows and 28 chicken. How many didn't?
πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rozen007
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2021
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What has two butts and kills people?

An assassin

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/buttered_t0asties
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2021
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I bought a record at the charity shop the other day, "Sounds That Wasps Make". I took it home and it sounded nothing like Wasps.

That's when I realised I was playing the Bee side.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/redwolve378
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2021
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Pride and joy
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thehawkplays
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2021
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My wife called me at work and said β€œit’s time, the baby is coming”

I said that’s impossible, Labor Day is in September!

(New dad of a 3 week old, trying to step into my new role)

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Stairsmaster
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2021
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What’s the difference between a cat and a comma?

A cat has claws at the end of its paws, and a comma’s a pause at the end of a clause.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ“…︎ May 06 2021
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my grandfather said this today on the dinner table and i was the only one that found it hilarious for no reason at all

G : what type of apples grow on trees ?

my dumbass : idk red and green ?

G : all of them do

wheezes

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/malikbefine
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2021
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Man walks into a shop and picks up a can of bug spray

The man asks "is this good for wasps?"

The cashier says "no sir, it kills them"

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DemonDoorknob
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2021
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Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).

In essence, Jesus is never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.

πŸ‘︎ 949
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BillyBob_TX
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2021
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What is green and fuzzy and if it falls out a tree it'll kill you?

A pool table.

πŸ‘︎ 775
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πŸ“…︎ May 05 2021
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My wife beamed at me and said, β€œI had no idea our son would go that far!” Tearing up, I stammered, β€œI know!"

"The trebuchet is amazing! Go get our daughter!"

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2021
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There's so many bad puns on this sub' it's making me just feel numb, and don't talk about the math ones..

..they make me feel even number.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2021
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My dad wanted to post something on Reddit and I told him there’s specific subs he would want to post on and certain ways to post

And he responded β€œoh so there’s reddiquette to it then”

(Also he’s on Reddit now so if he sees this then hi dad)

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BoutTreeeFiddy
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2021
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An actual conversation between my wife and my son yesterday.

My wife has been teaching my son to fold his own laundry but he complains about it everytime. My wife, trying to convince my son, said to him "If you pick up this habit, your future wife will love you very much."

My son replied "I don't want my future wife to love me very much. I want my future wife to help me fold my laundry."

I busted out laughing. But the end result is that now I have to fold my own laundry going forward.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/infinit9
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2021
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My wife found out I cheated when she found all of the letters I'd been hiding

She swore she will never play Scrabble with me again

πŸ‘︎ 176
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Such-Fig-3879
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2021
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Bill Gates meets Arnold Schwarzenneger at a party and asks him if he's upgraded to Windows 10 yet? Big Arnie replies.......

"Ah still love Vista Baby....."

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ipoointhepool
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2021
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What’s the difference between Taxes and Texas?

Taxes can keep your electrical grid operational.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2021
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My grandfather just walked into the room with a guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.

I said, β€œWho is this guy?”

My grandfather: That’s my hip replacement.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2021
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In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.

However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.

πŸ‘︎ 336
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jigsatics
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2021
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I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"

She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2021
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What is worse than raining cats and dogs?

Hailing Taxis

πŸ‘︎ 882
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dadrantbiz
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2021
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I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, β€œYou’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”

I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton...

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2021
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I went to a deli and said, I'd like to buy a bagel with cream cheese

The kid behind the counter said, sorry we only take cash or credit cards

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tomtomvissers
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2021
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I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.

I’ll let you know.

πŸ‘︎ 595
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πŸ‘€︎ u/5x13
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2021
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Wife says I won’t get 5 upvotes for this, but... Did you hear the one about the dog and the tree?

They had a long conversation about bark.

Edit: Y'all are nuts! We're somewhere north of 10k upvotes now, so I'll direct any remaining attention to Boot Camp for New Dads.

πŸ‘︎ 25k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/amalgamxtc
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
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The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, "What's happening now?"

"The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!"

"So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear.

"Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"

πŸ‘︎ 297
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πŸ‘€︎ u/808gecko808
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2021
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Reflecting on Prince Philip death, I was chatting with the Mrs and I said, I know I’m getting a little older, but I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.

She got up, unplugged my laptop and threw out my beer….

EDIT: Thanks for the kind awards... My first ever! ❀️

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2021
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I bought my 10 year old son an acoustic guitar yesterday and he has mastered 3 chords already.

So now the full Oasis songbook is covered he's moved on to a new one.

πŸ‘︎ 117
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2021
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If Chewie is short for Chewbacca, and Ben is short for Obi Wan, what is Luke short for?

A Storm Trooper!

πŸ‘︎ 498
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MissKit87
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2021
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From my 5-year-old son: "Hey"

True story; it even happened last night. My 5-year-old son walks up behind me and out of the blue says, "hey."

I turn to him and say, "yeah, kiddo? What's up?"

He responds, "it's dead grass."

I'm really confused and trying to figure out what's wrong and what he wants from me. "What? There's dead grass? What's wrong with that?"

.

.

.

He says, totally straight-faced, "hay is dead grass," and runs off.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ“…︎ May 10 2021
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A duck wants into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist: β€œI’d like some chapstick”

The pharmacist says β€œbut you’re a duck, how are you going to pay for that?”

The duck says β€œit’s fine, just put it on my bill”

πŸ‘︎ 285
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mindful_dodger
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2021
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I finally got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts.

I won't lie, it was a rocky road.

πŸ‘︎ 314
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jgfum
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2021
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There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator

Yeah, and only a fraction of you will find this funny.

πŸ‘︎ 668
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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2021
🚨︎ report
It’s kind of sad that Christianity, Judaism, and Islam have been fighting each other for centuries.

Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef.

πŸ‘︎ 498
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2021
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Why did I stop and take a shot of vodka when I was running late to work?

That's what I do when I'm Russian

πŸ‘︎ 338
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rysefin
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2021
🚨︎ report
There will be point in the future when Canada will take over the world.

And then you will all be sorry.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2021
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I got a new job monitoring someone’s twitter and Instagram messages

It’s per DM

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ApplewoodWarrior
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2019
🚨︎ report
I don’t know why, but there’s something exciting about evaluating women’s armpits...

Its just really axilla rating.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CubanZirconium
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
🚨︎ report
An American, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German where all attending a Zoom meeting. The Supervisor asked β€œcan you see me ok?”

To which they answered β€œyes” β€œoui” β€œsi” β€œja”.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2021
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I punched my monitor...

Now my hand Hz.

πŸ‘︎ 664
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
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