Shopping for a Baby monitor
My monitor is on it's last legs
Went in for a psychiatric evaluation and the shrink asked me to strip from the waist down!?
He said: Well, I can clearly see your nuts
(Warning: Morbid dad joke) True Story -- My family were planning my mum's funeral. We always try to keep things light and try to stay positive, just as Mum would have it...
The funeral director was asking us what we think Mum should wear in her casket.
Mum always loved to wear sarongs (fabric wraps that go around the torso and drape downward a bit like a long skirt would), so my uncle suggested that she wear a sarong in there.
The funeral director looked a bit confused, as did some of our family members, to which my uncle added:
"What's sarong with that?"
I started laughing like an idiot. He was proud of it too. The funeral director was rather shocked. We assured her, and our more proper relatives, that Mum would've absolutely loved the joke (which is very true).
His delivery was perfect. I'll never forget the risk he took. We sometimes recall the moment as a way help cushion the blows of the grieving process.
--Edit--
I appreciate the condolences. I'm doing well and the worst is behind me and my family. But thanks :)
--Edit--
Massive thanks for all the awards and kind words. And the puns! Love 'em.
Bill and Melinda Gates got divorced. Melinda got the house...
But Bill kept the Windows
Guys, today was my first day in the navy and I felt so lost!
Why is Dark spelled with a ‘K’ and not a ‘C’?
Because you can’t ‘C’ in the dark
There were 30 cows and 28 chicken. How many didn't?
What has two butts and kills people?
I bought a record at the charity shop the other day, "Sounds That Wasps Make". I took it home and it sounded nothing like Wasps.
That's when I realised I was playing the Bee side.
My wife called me at work and said “it’s time, the baby is coming”
I said that’s impossible, Labor Day is in September!
(New dad of a 3 week old, trying to step into my new role)
What’s the difference between a cat and a comma?
A cat has claws at the end of its paws, and a comma’s a pause at the end of a clause.
my grandfather said this today on the dinner table and i was the only one that found it hilarious for no reason at all
G : what type of apples grow on trees ?
my dumbass : idk red and green ?
G : all of them do
wheezes
Man walks into a shop and picks up a can of bug spray
The man asks "is this good for wasps?"
The cashier says "no sir, it kills them"
Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).
In essence, Jesus is never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.
What is green and fuzzy and if it falls out a tree it'll kill you?
My wife beamed at me and said, “I had no idea our son would go that far!” Tearing up, I stammered, “I know!"
"The trebuchet is amazing! Go get our daughter!"
There's so many bad puns on this sub' it's making me just feel numb, and don't talk about the math ones..
..they make me feel even number.
My dad wanted to post something on Reddit and I told him there’s specific subs he would want to post on and certain ways to post
And he responded “oh so there’s reddiquette to it then”
(Also he’s on Reddit now so if he sees this then hi dad)
An actual conversation between my wife and my son yesterday.
My wife has been teaching my son to fold his own laundry but he complains about it everytime. My wife, trying to convince my son, said to him "If you pick up this habit, your future wife will love you very much."
My son replied "I don't want my future wife to love me very much. I want my future wife to help me fold my laundry."
I busted out laughing. But the end result is that now I have to fold my own laundry going forward.
My wife found out I cheated when she found all of the letters I'd been hiding
She swore she will never play Scrabble with me again
Bill Gates meets Arnold Schwarzenneger at a party and asks him if he's upgraded to Windows 10 yet? Big Arnie replies.......
"Ah still love Vista Baby....."
What’s the difference between Taxes and Texas?
Taxes can keep your electrical grid operational.
My grandfather just walked into the room with a guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.
I said, “Who is this guy?”
My grandfather: That’s my hip replacement.
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
What is worse than raining cats and dogs?
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”
I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton...
I went to a deli and said, I'd like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
The kid behind the counter said, sorry we only take cash or credit cards
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Wife says I won’t get 5 upvotes for this, but... Did you hear the one about the dog and the tree?
They had a long conversation about bark.
Edit: Y'all are nuts! We're somewhere north of 10k upvotes now, so I'll direct any remaining attention to Boot Camp for New Dads.
The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, "What's happening now?"
"The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!"
"So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear.
"Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"
Reflecting on Prince Philip death, I was chatting with the Mrs and I said, I know I’m getting a little older, but I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.
She got up, unplugged my laptop and threw out my beer….
EDIT: Thanks for the kind awards... My first ever! ❤️
I bought my 10 year old son an acoustic guitar yesterday and he has mastered 3 chords already.
So now the full Oasis songbook is covered he's moved on to a new one.
If Chewie is short for Chewbacca, and Ben is short for Obi Wan, what is Luke short for?
From my 5-year-old son: "Hey"
True story; it even happened last night. My 5-year-old son walks up behind me and out of the blue says, "hey."
I turn to him and say, "yeah, kiddo? What's up?"
He responds, "it's dead grass."
I'm really confused and trying to figure out what's wrong and what he wants from me. "What? There's dead grass? What's wrong with that?"
.
.
.
He says, totally straight-faced, "hay is dead grass," and runs off.
A duck wants into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist: “I’d like some chapstick”
The pharmacist says “but you’re a duck, how are you going to pay for that?”
The duck says “it’s fine, just put it on my bill”
I finally got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts.
I won't lie, it was a rocky road.
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator
Yeah, and only a fraction of you will find this funny.
It’s kind of sad that Christianity, Judaism, and Islam have been fighting each other for centuries.
Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef.
Why did I stop and take a shot of vodka when I was running late to work?
That's what I do when I'm Russian
There will be point in the future when Canada will take over the world.
And then you will all be sorry.
I got a new job monitoring someone’s twitter and Instagram messages
I don’t know why, but there’s something exciting about evaluating women’s armpits...
Its just really axilla rating.
An American, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German where all attending a Zoom meeting. The Supervisor asked “can you see me ok?”
To which they answered “yes” “oui” “si” “ja”.
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