If a member of the US Navy, rank 0-9 performs an act of great valor
Would you say they acted "Admiralably"?
What do you call a former member of ISIS?
Why shouldn’t horses get elected to Congress?
What piece of chicken does the band members of ZZ Top prefer?
The members of The Flamingoes (the band) are blind except at Christmas-time
They only have eyes for Yule
If the Beatles were French, why would they only have 3 members as opposed to 4?
Instead of John, Paul, George, and Ringo, they would be Jean-Paul, George, and Ringo
Laryngitis outbreak spread to every member of San Francisco’s professional football team!
Now they’re the 40-mimers!
My buddy used to be an officer in the Navy until, while on duty 200 feet below the surface and in disputed waters, he participated in a ceremony to become a member of the clergy. He was promptly court-martialled.
It turns out the Navy has a strict policy against in-sub ordination.
Did you hear about the rap band made up members of the north and South Korean armies?
To all the members of this subreddit, an open letter:
Why did the cheese leave Congress?
He couldn’t stand the parmesan politics.
I used to be a member of some German subs
Then i left because i had thalassophobia
What's the opposite of a croissant?
Why is 6 afraid of 7 (this punchline is actually different)?
My granddaughter just hit me with this one: what is the biggest kind of ant ?
A gi-ant!
I am so proud right now!
Who is Mr. Freeze's least favourite family member?
I’m sick of all NSEW jokes on here
I think it’s time to move in a new direction.
TIL that the Ancient Romans had four types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III instantly killed the victim upon contact.
Poison IV, though, just made the victim extremely itchy.
I was once a trusted member of a totally secret cooking society. But they kicked me out..
..for spilling the beans.
How do you measure the magnitude of the pun in a dad joke?
With a sighsmograph
Edit: Wow, you guys, Thank-you the the awards and upvotes. If only my family appreciated this joke as much as you do!
I accidentally swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles…
My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster
Let’s see what your made of Mike!
What is the capital of Poland?
Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump…
But that’s comparing apples to oranges.
I wore a kilt to my first therapy appointment today. Within seconds of sitting down to talk, the therapist told me I was mentally ill
His exact words were "I can clearly see your nuts"
2 guys walk into a bar with their wives and ask for 2 pints of Stella and 2 "girly" drinks
Bartender: 'So that's 4 pints of Stella?'
Lord of the Rings (Background sets not included)
Mick Jagger killed two members of a rival band...
Killed two Byrds with one Stone
I opened my pay envelope today and found it was full of parsley.
Someone garnished my wages.
What rock group has only four members and none of them sing?
What do you say to a woman who has given birth to members of the military?
Thank you for your cervix.
IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years, but they're having a really hard time...
...putting their case together.
Did you guys hear about the man who was posing as a member of the band at a Saint Patrick’s Festival?
They caught him because he was playing sham-rock
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”
I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton.
Hey- it’s come to our attention that some of you who are posting here aren’t actually dads. It's inappropriate to make a "dad joke" if you are not a dad.
Today I was reaching for a board game from our shelf. The one on top of the pile quickly slid down and hit me in the face. It was that game where you go around in a car and add family members, choose a career, have kids, etc.
A painful reminder that LIFE comes at you fast.
What is the opposite of telekinesis?
A couple of guys robbed an art gallery, but then their van wouldn't start...
Because they didn't have the Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.
I got arrested by the Department of Animal Welfare for trying to acquire several crows to raise as pets.
They charged me with attempted murder.
We should have been able to predict the fall of the Soviet Union a lot sooner.
There were a lot of red flags.
I only believe in 12.5% of the Bible.
Because I am an eighth-theist.
What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper?
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