I tried to quell a disagreement between me and my girlfriend in the shopping mall. But by the time we got to the second level we were shouting at each other.
In retrospect we shouldn’t have been on that escalator.
My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk.”
We were driving yesterday, and suddenly my wife turned to me and said, “Hey, you missed a right”.
I said, “Thanks babe. You MRS. right.”
the other night, my dad taught me his famous stew recipe. it went great, the only issue we had was with the herbs i wanted to use. he told me “you’re wrong about the parsley...
but that’s okay because you’re right on thyme”
My wife said to me: ''Why don't you treat me like you did when we were first dating?''
So I took her out to dinner, to a movie,
then I dropped her off at her parents'
place.
As we sat down for lunch, I proudly announced to my daughter, "Little known fact, the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France!" Unimpressed, she ignored me and kept eating. Not being one to give up, I continued...
"Nope, they were cooked in Greece!"
My daughter asked me to buy post it notes because we were out...
I told her to write it on a sticky note so I'd remember
A couple of weeks ago my dad was taking us on a camping trip preceeded by a two hour drive, so a minute before we were going to leave the house he sat me and my brother down and told us:
Speak now or forever hold your pee
My dad says to me,"Hey,let's go fishing! We'll take the canoe."
I told him,"It's actually pronounced"gnu."The "g" is silent!
Whenever we go to a buffet, I always ask my wife to get my food for me.
I just can't help myself.
Don’t speak to me when we’re inside the sauna.
My yacht passenger was rude to me when he gruffly asked "how will we embark upon our trip?"
So I told him to shove off.
I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
Me: how about we both decide to go to the carnival?
My girlfriend and I were traveling thru Kentucky where we stayed at a lodge. She told me a humorous story out to the left of the wall of the building...
The Monkees are touring Switzerland and my wife threatened to leave me unless we flew out there to see them. I thought she was joking.......
Then I saw her face, Now we're in Geneva.
This just happened: I explained to my 11 year-old niece that wheat pennies are/were a thing. She didn’t believe me, so she looked it up on grandma’s phone. To our surprise, we learned that there are some people selling wheat pennies online for *thousands* to *TENS* *of* *thousands* of dollars.
To which I said, “That doesn’t make cents.”
My wife told me to flip off the thermostat before we left the house. I don’t think she appreciated how I followed her instructions.
A vegetarian girl walked up to me and claimed we met before ...
I'm sure I never met herbivore
We were watching a documentary on African wildlife, and my son asked me, “Is it difficult to spot cheetahs?”
Me: No, I think they come that way.
So proud of my daughter! We’re watching the dog desperately trying to get the cat to play with her. Me: “Dog can’t hang because she’s a dump truck and and the cat is a Ferrari. Daughter:
Don’t you mean a “Fur-rari”?
We've got pun dog...and now pun cat. You've cat to be kitten me right meow!
I was always bothered with the spelling of 'Wii' in Nintendo Wii. It felt like they were trying too hard to be cool and hip by spelling 'We' with two ii's. I don't know why but it just makes me cringe when corporations try to be edgy and relatable.
As for the console, it was aiight.
My wife asked me to make a recipe that called for thyme but we were out. I told her...
Ain't nobody go thyme for that
My teenage daughter came home from school and she was blazing mad. “We had sex education today, dad and you lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!” I put down my newspaper, looked at her and said…
“Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.”
A couple of days ago a man from Korea came to r/uruguay looking for help to make the worlds biggest sandwich. Last night (8:00PM for me - 8:00AM for him) we made it posible!
My wife accused me of trying to win every argument we had...
So I told her why that was wrong.
My wife called and told me we have an ant infestation. She and asked me to bring home something good for the ants on my way home.
She looked really angry when I came home with sugar cubes.
Me and my dad used to go out and trap together. I would put the bait in, and he would set them. Everytime i did, we got something.
I guess you could call me a master-baiter.
We were eating dinner tonight, when my daughter said to me, “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another one?”
I said, “Why would I want two empty glasses?”
A pod of porpoises moved into the harbor near my town. So, me and my friends decided to go camping on the beach to check it out. We brought beer for us and some raw fish to feed the pod. Everybody had a great time. You could say it was a party
for all in tents and porpoises.
One of the hosts of the View invited me to her home and we sat in her den. She then offered a pillow...
After dad came back from his hunting trip we were eager to know what kind of meat was on our plates, so we asked him for a clue. Well, he said, "It's what mummy calls me sometimes."
That's when my little sister screamed to me, "Don't eat it, it's an asshole."
My wife likes to call me "your majesty" when we make love
Because I'm faux king awesome
All we need to make heat is create a little friction, I'll give you the fric- you give me the -tion
Frick, that's what I like to hear
My daughters asked me when we were going to the upper level of the mall.
I told them we had choices. We could esca-now, or escalator.
Me: I think we are supposed to get rain from the south this week...
Wife: I thought I heard from the west.
My father: I'm pretty sure it comes from the sky.
I went into my favorite bar and asked for a Bud.The bartender, we'll call her Penny, say's you have to tell me who makes it first.Kinda stumped I said Anheiser Busch.She said "just fine,and hows your dick."
"Vote for me, and we won't have BEEF. I hope to MEAT all of your expectations, but if we don't accomplish everything, don't have a COW."
Me, to the biker gang leader: I thought we were supposed to ride our bikes together at the same speed!
Biker gang leader: Yes, but for the love of God, Stop calling it “synchronizing our cycles”.
I told my dad I joke I came across on Reddit-. Doctor: We're going to have to remove your colon. Me Why? He responded with:
As long. as it doesn't. give. you irregular. periods.
We went to a wedding and my drunk wife asked me what I thought of her dancing.
I said, “You are just staggering.”
My wife and I love to go on dates, but we always do what she wants. Today she asked me, ‘If you had to pick any date, what would it be?’
I asked me dad if we could go to the Middle East.
My wife turned to me and said, all life is like hope. It's precious, a gift. It flourishes in the desert, in the snow, even in the Marianas Trench, 10,000 meters below the waves. Life and hope exist where we least expect it, yet it is so fragile it can be destroyed in a moment.
Driving with my son and we pass a farm. I point out the flock of cows. He turns to me and says "Dad it's a herd of cows"
Heard of cows, of course I heard of cows. I just pointed out a flock of them.
My dad came up to me and said, “your mom and I have been married for so long, we are on our 4th bottle of bitters”
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you...”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
When I suggested to my wife we used a strap on, she was right behind me.
My religious mother asked me if the movie we were going to see had either (A) sex or (B) violence in it
I went to the Red Cross to donate blood. They threw me out and yelled "we don't want your type here!"
We decided to keep it a secret that we were naming our daughter Grace, so no one but my wife me heard me say, "Hail Cheri, full of Grace"
A vegan girl came up to me and spoke as if we knew each other.
I had never met herbivore.
My girlfriend said to me that we need to be more spontaneous.
Me, talking to my dad: Are we just getting lightbulbs?
My dad: Yeah, we only have heavy bulbs.
My wife kept trying to convince me we go on a vacation to Thailand
In the end I said Phuket.
When the kidnapper said he'd never let me get Stockholm syndrome, I knew we were going to be best friends.
Me, talking to my dad about babysitting my daughter: Great! We’ll drop her at about 10:30 on Saturday.
Dad: Don’t drop her! That might hurt.
My girlfriend complained to me that it's such a rare occurrence when we have steaks
I'll try to make it a medium rare occurrence next time.
Last night, my wife looks at me with a sudden realization and says, "We have to DO IT tomorrow!!"
My first thought was, "why is that not the goal for every day?"
When I asked OK but why, her response was, "We can't let the last day of the year end without a bang!"
My girlfriend’s parents are very religious and the first time I was at their house, her dad told me we weren’t allowed to sleep together...
It was a bit of a shame...he was very attractive.
My dad handed me and my love interest a bottle of vodka and said we needed to liquor up, I replied....
"Liquor? I'm just trying to date her!"
Yesterday, as I brought in the dogs from a potty break in our Minnesota backyard before we went to the grocery store, my wife asked me to reminder her to pick up some frozen peas. I told her..
..."The backyard is full of them, we don't need any more!"
My son asked me if we were related to any Egyptian Pharaohs.
I told him, unfortunately son we do not even have so much as a toot in common.
Our aunt made a religiously-themed painting. After looking at it, my brother told me we're going to hell.
"We have seen the Aunty Christ."
Me: "We need to find a place for our daughter's birthday toys." Wife: "What about our wardrobe?"
Me: "No, that can stay where it is."
This girl came up to me today and said I knew her from a vegetarian conference we attended...
I swear I never met herbivore.
As we waited for a bus in the frosty weather, my daughter mentioned to me that she makes a lot of mistakes when texting in the cold...
I nodded knowingly. “It’s the early signs of typothermia.”
We are selling my house. I told my wife that the buyers want to pump and inspect our septic tank. My wife looks at me and says,
"I guess they don't want us to leave any of our crap."
My dad, to me, as we're driving past a cemetery, "You know why all those people are buried in that cemetery on the east side of the road?"
Me: "No. Why?"
Dad: "Because they're dead."
My boss said to me "tomorrow we weigh the horses"
Me: Would they like curds too?
Boss: No, Sadie.... Weigh as in measure
Me: No way
I was surprised when he smiled and rolled his eyes instead of firing me.
A barperson just said to me 'we had a salsa night tonight, so we've closed off the back of the bar'
So I said 'makes sense. It must smell of tomatoes.'
She didn't laugh.
When I was a kid (in the 80s) we were really into mixtapes. My dad said he wanted to make one for me.
He vigorously shook a blank cassette tape and handed it to me.
I was at a lunch with the family and we were eating with plastic cutlery. Two of the prongs of my fork broke, my dad turns to me and says...
"Looks like your fork is now a twok"
Even when we'd go to church, he'd make me laugh
My dad conversing with my mother...
Dad: I hate wearing these stupid socks with all the holes in them.
Mom: Then why would you pick those socks?
Dad: I have to wear my "holy" socks to church.
My dad used to tell me this one whenever we used to go for a car ride
Dad: Did you hear how the guy who sang the song, "On The Road Again", died?
Me: No dad
Dad: He was hit by a car
Wife: "... that reminds me that I have to sew your pants when we get back"
Me: "Just let me know when you do so I can go ahead and reap them."
My deaf girlfriend just told me “I think we need to talk.”
I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk.”
My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk.”
My deaf wife just told me that “we need to talk.”
That was not a good sign.
My deaf wife just told me that “we need to talk.”
That was not a good sign.
My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk.”
My teenage daughter came home from school and she was blazing mad. “We had sex education today dad and you lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!” I put down my newspaper, looked at her and said…
“Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.”
I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
My deaf girlfriend just told me “We need to talk.”
We were eating dinner tonight, when my daughter said to me, “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another one?”
I said, “Why would I want two empty glasses?”
As we waited for a bus in the frosty weather, the woman next to me mentioned that she makes a lot of mistakes when texting in the cold...
I nodded knowingly. “It’s the early signs of typothermia.”
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