B Corporation Puns

He wanted to appear in Corporeal form!

“Wow!” I said. “Was it some big corporation?”

“No.” He replied, “I mowed the lawn in the cemetery.”

He was climbing up the corporate ladder.

He was running a Shell corporation.

When I've never seen a single lieutenant or corporal contractor

One of my coworkers is a transsexual. He (formerly she) was telling me about some of his struggles.

"I had to go up to the corporate level in order to be able to use the restroom. Some people here were uncomfortable with me using either the mens or women's room when they found out."

"So, what you're telling me is. You had to fight for your right to potty?"

At first he facepalmed and sighed, admittedly I was a little worried I might have offended him... But he did get a chuckle out of it.

He was climbing the corporate ladder.

A large corporation, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know he meant business.

He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO told him to wait right there. He walked back to his office and came back a couple of minutes later and handed the guy $1600 in cash. "Here's 4 weeks pay. Now GET Out and don't come back here!"

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Dominoes."

"I think that I prefer the name 'corporal', instead."

They set up shell corporations.

Context: There is an upcoming 250 piece puzzle-making competition at work where teams compete to be the fastest puzzle-solvers. It is a corporate activity. I'm writing the invitation to be distributed and I want to get people participating. Help!

In this society, companies and businesses are not legally allowed to give themselves a name. Instead, companies are ID's alphanumerically. The first businesses were Corporation A, Company B, Business C, ... Organization Z, Company A1, etc.

The world's current largest corporation is Company B. They're particularly known for their robotics manufacturing. One day, Company B had just finished the design for two new robots. One that would automatically play blues songs on a record player at the press of a button. (What we know today as a jukebox) The other was a companion robot for lonely people, modeled after a beagle.

Unfortunately, when the final version of these robots were being manufactured for a worldwide release, there was an error in the automated assembly line. This error caused the two robots to be built simultaneously, creating a single robot.

The resulting product came to be known as the Boogie Woogie Beagle Bot of Company B.

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

• Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
• It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
• What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
• Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
• Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
• Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
• If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
• Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
• Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
• American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
• The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
• Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
• Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
• Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
• Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
• Rittal me this, Batman!
• Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
• Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
• If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
• When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
• You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
• Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
• Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
• Don't think Seton is

The other night, my wife and I went to this corporate outing at Medieval Times with work. For those who don't know, it's a pretend jousting tournament with a bunch of food and no silverware unless you ask for it. The Knights also ride around on horseback and try to keep everyone involved and have a good time.

So one of the things they do, is give a 'favor' to to people in the audience. Typically, pretty ladies and little girls. My wife got such a favor (carnation). Gave her some mock jealousy, and our evening continued.

So on and our way home, I asked:

"So, how was your night? "

" It was pretty good. "

" Good. How about your evening? "

She's still glaring at me, three days later.

A customer at the major retail corporation I work at picked up our ad while I was cashing him out. Tried to pull one on me...

"they call it a doorbuster sale and there's not a single door in this ad! "

"That's because we busted them all, sir"

Completely straight faced. He walked away laughing his ass off. On an unrelated note I think my girlfriend may be pregnant.

I was talking to my girlfriend about the sorority structure with President and all the various vice presidents.

She mentioned that another sorority uses a corporate structure..

Gf: "Rather than president they have a CEO and instead of a vice president of finance they have a CFO."

Me: "So do they have a Chief Operating Officer?"

Gf: "Yeah, I think so."

Me: "Oh, that's coo."

Snickered a bit and she just gave me that "you're kidding look."

Corporate announcement: "...after the reception there will be cake and champagne toast."

Boss: I've hear of Soda Bread, but how did they make Champagne Toast?

> > Balls > > > > INTERESTING OBSERVATION > > 1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL. > > > > > > > > > > 2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING. > > > > > > > > > > 3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL. > > > > > > > > 4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL. > > > > > > > > > > 5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS. > > And... > > > > > > > > 6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is > > GOLF. > > > > THE AMAZING CONCLUSION: > > > > The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls > > become. > > There must be a boat load of people in Ottawa and Queen's Park > > playing marbles. > > You know you WILL PASS THIS ONE ON!

He says, "No thanks, I'd like a big company with 1000 employees, unlimited expense account and a corporate jet."